View Full Version : In which Lyllyan thinks she was dissed

05-15-2001, 08:05 AM
OR..more family shit.

Sunday, as you know, was Mothers Day. After recieving homage from my own children and husband, I generally took it easy for the rest of the day, taking my daughter to work and getting a phone call from my stepson were the most strenuous things I did. At 6:00 I called my mom, who lives about 1 hour away. My 3 siblings and their families were there. I didn't know we were all supposed to go to mom's today. No one told me, "Hey, we are all meeting at mom's". We usually don't. So, after telling me who was there, mom says she will have to call me later. Later was Monday afternoon. And she proceeded to tell me just how wonderful it was that the 3 came, and little Thomas is just so cute, and Larry brought his 2 great dane puppies and his new extra expensive lawn mower, they all looked at the pictures from the 'rents recent trip to Hawaii etc, etc, etc.
Well, that bothered me. Not in a ranting crying way, but in a slightly disquieting way. And the more I thought about it, the more disquieted I became. I remembered other gatherings, where the 3 would say things to each other like "I'll call you next week", "Why don't you come down and we will go shopping", "Last week when I was at your house for dinner..." I try to include myself in these family conversations, but the room usually falls quiet when I enter. For the past couple of years, I began thinking of myself in terms of an only child. I have tried and tried to connect with these people I grew up with, but always fall short. I think, "it must be something about ME!" "It has to be something wrong with ME!" When I told my daughter that I had called G'ma and everyone was there, she just looked at me sadly and said "I'm sorry, Mom". So, maybe it isn't just me. It's so hard to tell. My SO says that they have always treated me differently, but I try not to give to much credence to that notion, as he has no use for any of them.

So, Dopers, do I say fuck 'em all and continue thinking I am an only child, blow it off as just one of those things, or...what? And before you say I should try to talk more to the siblings, I have been trying that for years. And I get polite smiles and blank stares. For the record, I am 2nd of 4. 2 boys, 2 girls. And be gentle.

05-15-2001, 08:15 AM
Family holidays. who needs 'em eh?

No matter what, Family will always be there.

How about inviting your siblings over one at a time? that way they cant exclude you.

05-15-2001, 08:25 AM
I don't know your family setup, Lyllyan, but could this

My SO says that they have always treated me differently, but I try not to give to much credence to that notion, as he has no use for any of them.

be a contributing factor? I know from a friend's family that sometimes they'll leave her family unit out because they perceive it as easier than having to deal with her SO (who similarly doesn't make a great effort at blending in).

Are you close enough to your Mum/siblings to talk to them about it? It may be that you're seeing things where they aren't meant. If that's the case it's probably in everyone's interests to understand where the other side is coming from.

My $0.02....fwiw.

05-15-2001, 08:26 AM
Bugger. Didn't take this bit in..

And before you say I should try to talk more to the siblings, I have been trying that for years.


05-15-2001, 08:40 AM
Thanks, Xerxes, but my SO hasn't been to a family function in years.

05-15-2001, 08:45 AM
I think this says a lot more about your siblings than it does about you. If THEY cared about family, if THEY cared about you all being together, then THEY'd make sure every family member was invited to family gatherings. It seems petty, or mean-spirited, or passive-aggressive to just not invite you and not confront you about why (if there really is a decent reason).

Rather than trying to talk to them, which seems ineffective, I'd just lay it on the line. Just say "You know, I feel both hurt and offended that you deliberately leave me out of family events. Mother's Day was a prime example. I apparently can't force you start treating me like a family member, but I can ask that you have the common courtesy to not discuss your gatherings or make plans in front of me." End of story, end of statement.

It may still hurt. In fact, I am sure it will. But you will feel less like a victim if you confront them and leave it up to them to rise to the level of basic decency. If they can't, well, it's further evidence of just how lame they are.

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