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-   -   Put Your Feet in My Hands (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=590042)

Tibby 12-20-2010 02:08 PM

Put Your Feet in My Hands
 
Do your feet look like this?
http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f1...z/yourfoot.jpg WARNING: Disturbing Images!
If they do, I can help...

In the benevolent spirit of this holiday season, I have decided to allow the SDMB community to have access to the quite reasonably priced organic foot and skin care products that I have painstakingly formulated and packaged for your health, wellness and aesthetic pleasure. Rest assure, these products do not break the SDMB marketplace rules disallowing “medical” products. These are explicitly non-prescription, non-OTC formulations that include no medical claims of a curative nature (i.e. they simply do what they are supposed to do, I just can’t label claims that they do so, definitively). They are in the realm of organic skincare “cosmeceuticals”, having high concentrations of certified organic ingredients, formulated by qualified professionals (me, in particular), in such a fashion as to have positive and specific therapeutic effects.

You needn’t worry about issues of sterility with these products, either. Although admittedly tempting, I have yet to place the organic ingredients in my bathtub and mixed them with the paddling motion of our pet schnoodle (a small, annoying dog, chosen by my wife, not me)—doing so could be construed as being less than optimal manufacturing practice. No, these products are manufactured at a premiere, FDA registered, organic custom formulation house, adhering to the highest standards of quality control and operational procedures, assuring unsurpassed product stability and efficacy (standards, unfortunately, our schnoodle can’t meet). To top things off, the manufacturing practices are incredibly "green" and eco-friendly—certain to appeal to our predominately tree-hugging SDMB community (I mean that in a good way). Safe, effective, good for you, good for the planet, what more could you want?...(no, you can’t have them for free).

But, SDMB members, I implore you, do not purchase my products for the wrong reasons. Sure, profits from sales would indeed help pay for an operation that would greatly improve the quality of my ailing father’s life (i.e. breast augmentation surgery for mom), and help put food in the mouths of my gaunt children (pre-teen fashion dieters with a penchant for black truffles and Beluga caviar). Instead, purchase my products for one and only one reason: because they are simply the best products in their class and are affordably priced.

I took the liberty of including a few extra categorized items which I feel may be particularly appealing to the esteemed members of the SDMB community. However, please note that I will not pander to any specific group simply to increase sales, including the venerated SDMB membership—my web store treats all consumers equally (unless you purchase in bulk 55-gallon quantities, then you get treated like royalty).

You may now proceed:
Barefoot Botanica

And, if you plan on visiting Northeast Florida in the not-too-distant future, be sure to book a service with me, or one of my colleagues at our soon to be open facility, Hands, Feet & Above (act soon, while my services are still legal in most states):
Hands Feet & Beyond
(Website still under construction)

Sleeps With Butterflies 12-21-2010 12:13 AM

Were those over-the-top pictures of feet with fungus and other medical disorders necessary? Are you implying that your foot cream can cure such disorders?

Argent Towers 12-21-2010 12:23 AM

Seriously, that's sick. Really gross. Please advertise your services some other way.

Rico 12-21-2010 12:54 AM

<mod>

I must agree. The images are disturbing.

Sorry, TT, can't have them.

</mod>

Tibby 12-21-2010 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sleeps With Butterflies (Post 13274054)
Were those over-the-top pictures of feet with fungus and other medical disorders necessary? Are you implying that your foot cream can cure such disorders?

I’m sorry, Sleeps With Butterflies, but those pictures do not appear over-the-top to me. A few years back, If I didn’t treat at least one patient with feet like those, or worse (often much worse), by lunchtime, I’d consider it a dull day. And, as I thought I made clear in the first paragraph of my OP, I do not claim that our products cure anything. Curing disorders like xerosis, dyshidrosis, eczema, hyperkeratosis and onychogryphosis would involve genetic engineering, not a foot crème, no matter how well chosen and balanced the ingredients were.

But, I will go further than imply and simply state that, used as directed, the appropriate products (in this case, the antifungal nail gel, keratolytic crème and/or balm) would, in most cases, significantly improve the condition of feet such as those in the now hidden photos above. And if, in addition to compliant use of products, feet like those were treated by me on a regular basis, say every 8 weeks or so, they would improve even more significantly and remain that way.

I am, however, sensitive to the hypersensitivity of some people toward graphical representation of pathological conditions deemed “no big deal” by most health care personnel and so apologize for posting the disturbing photo above. In its stead, let me post a photo representation of what those same feet may likely look like after I treat them. :)

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f1...z/nicefeet.jpg

Sleeps With Butterflies 12-21-2010 03:59 PM

You misunderstood me. I didn't report your pictures and your little ugly toe pictures didn't upset me... I've seen far, far worse. So apparently, since I didn't report them, someone else found them inappropriate as well.

Let's now return to your foot cream ad...

Tibby 12-21-2010 04:15 PM

But, you misunderstood me. I didn’t think that you reported the pictures, but now my wife’s offended that you think she has inappropriate little ugly toes. :D

Starving Artist 12-21-2010 05:28 PM

I didn't report the photos either, but what has been blocked? Clicking the link in the OP still brings up the uglies.

BigT 12-21-2010 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starving Artist (Post 13276977)
I didn't report the photos either, but what has been blocked? Clicking the link in the OP still brings up the uglies.

He was blocked from showing the images directly in the thread.

Starving Artist 12-21-2010 10:58 PM

They must have been blocked before I first got here then. Thanks.

Argent Towers 12-22-2010 12:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tibbytoes (Post 13275366)
A few years back, If I didn’t treat at least one patient with feet like those, or worse (often much worse), by lunchtime, I’d consider it a dull day.

You must have a strong stomach, my friend. If I had to see that shit at work, there wouldn't be no lunchtime.

carnut 12-27-2010 09:50 PM

All I see are beautiful baby feet.

Babale 12-27-2010 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnut (Post 13292938)
All I see are beautiful baby feet.

ARGH!!!! BABIES!!!!

caps.

Tibby 12-28-2010 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnut (Post 13292938)
All I see are beautiful baby feet.

Yes, carnut, I see what you see—beautiful baby feet. But, lo, I’m perplexed and disheartened to witness firsthand, those who find babies, and anything associated with babies (including, apparently, their soft, tiny feet), to be “disturbing”, “over-the-top”, “sick”, “gross”, …“ugly”

(no, those aren’t tears in my eyes…I’m just pealing onions…)

Well, speaking as someone who once was a baby (it’s true, I have documentation to back up that claim), I take offense to this blatant form of infanti-snidism, and wish it to stop.

Freudian Slit 12-28-2010 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnut (Post 13292938)
All I see are beautiful baby feet.

They were a lot more horrifying initially. They looked like Tree Guy's feet.

pudytat72 12-29-2010 12:58 PM

:confused: ARE YOU SERIOUS ???:confused:

Healing hand and foot balm 0.06 lbs. = 0.96 ounces
0.96 ounces at $15.99 = $266.50 per pound!! :eek:

Nzinga, Seated 12-29-2010 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argent Towers (Post 13278135)
You must have a strong stomach, my friend. If I had to see that shit at work, there wouldn't be no lunchtime.

I don't know why this is cracking me up so long and hard.

carnut 12-29-2010 09:40 PM

Poor tree guy. He can't help it. And neither can most people with ugly feet and nails. But I don't think an expensive cream is going to bring his feet back to 'normal'.


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