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-   -   We have a winner for the title of West Virginia's dumbest lawyer (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=862652)

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 11:05 AM

We have a winner for the title of West Virginia's dumbest lawyer
 
This guy!

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21223238)
Of course those details are corroborated, but that doesn't corroborate the allegation. Unless you are saying that any woman who went to high school in a two county area from me has corroborating if she would make a similar allegation against me. I mean, hell, if a guy is murdered in your hometown is that corroboration that you killed him?

Here's another bit of genius from the same thread...

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21223190)
Regarding covering the mouth when screaming: Several years ago I was sitting in the living room and my then wife was in the yard and started screaming. I ran outside and found that she had discovered a dead iguana in the bushes. She was still screaming.

I covered her mouth with my hand as I did not want the entire neighborhood and the police over at the house.

Perhaps this was a similar situation. There was a misunderstanding and Kav was saying "Okay, Christ, we won't have sex. No need to alert the world!"

Brett Kavanaugh is lucky to have you on his side.

you with the face 09-22-2018 11:12 AM

I wonder if he tackled his wife down to the ground, held her down with the bulk of his body, and had his buddy crank up the stereo all in the name of keeping the neighborhood calm.

Cuz I’m thinking if there had just been a hand clapped over Ford’s mouth, we wouldn’t be talking about any of this.

xenophon41 09-22-2018 11:15 AM

That's a great hypothetical defense: 'It may not have been sexual assault; it may have just been a rejected sexual proposition followed by run of the mill simple assault. The clothes being removed? Standard sexual banter, nothing to worry about.'

I'm not sure that's a 'dumb' argument. It's just spectacularly sociopathic and/or deliberately ignorant of social mores and legalities.

El_Kabong 09-22-2018 11:16 AM

Yeah, I was already aware that UltraVires is a bit of a dickhead, but your second quote is one of the most bizarre, jaw-droppingly idiotic "arguments" I've seen since Starving Artist's legendary "paper towel tube" defense of Jerry Sandusky. Bravo.

raventhief 09-22-2018 11:18 AM

It may have been improper persuasion!

If i were on a jury and a lawyer tried to argue that the defendant held her down, tried to strip her clothes off, while covering her mouth to stifle her screams, all in a clumsy, improper attempt to persuade her- I would ask the judge if we could convict the lawyer of anything, too.

bobot 09-22-2018 11:19 AM

If someone is screaming you can try to silence them with a paper towel tube, but it tends to just focus the sound and make it smaller and more cartoony sounding.

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El_Kabong (Post 21223299)
Yeah, I was already aware that UltraVires is a bit of a dickhead, but your second quote is one of the most bizarre, jaw-droppingly idiotic "arguments" I've seen since Starving Artist's legendary "paper towel tube" defense of Jerry Sandusky. Bravo.

Right? And he's a for real in real life lawyer.

I can't even imagine the whooping and high fiving that occurs in law firms in his area when his name pops up as opposing counsel.

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 11:30 AM

Found it!

Here's an argument* he presented in a thread about Confederate monuments.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 20420082)
On the anniversary of Pickett's Charge, the Union spectators sit atop Cemetery Hill and the Confederate "spectators" emerge from the woods on Seminary Ridge and walk the nearly one mile to the Union "lines."

Just as it appears that the Confederates will charge, they face each other at the wall, the commanding officers shake hands, and a pithy little speech about unity is given and everyone goes about their business.

Question: Should the shaking of hands be done away with? We wouldn't shake hands with Nazis, right? Shouldn't the Union commander yell at the Confederate commander and insult him and tell him he has no place in modern society?

*I'm not sure argument is the proper word to describe whatever the fuck this is.

3trew 09-22-2018 11:35 AM

I think we need to get ahead of this before the paper towel tube thing gains traction as a defence. I suggest we tie it to their sense of toxic masculinity, and wrap it up in a nice pithy phrase so they can remember it. How about "If the tube's gonna fit, I'd ask, dude, that's it?"

RitterSport 09-22-2018 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lance Turbo (Post 21223310)
Right? And he's a for real in real life lawyer.

I can't even imagine the whooping and high fiving that occurs in law firms in his area when his name pops up as opposing counsel.

To me, this is the most bizarre part. Yes, he's a sexist, homophobic asshole, I get it. But his argumentation and debate skills are just awful, especially for a lawyer.

There are lawyers here who I really don't like, and maybe they steer the conversation into areas that they can defend, but they defend those obscure side arguments well. This idiot doesn't even do that -- he'll steer the conversation into some weird area and then not even defend that well!

What a hateful idiot.

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 11:53 AM

On Santorum...

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 14671062)
I honestly didn't know the source of the "other meaning" and that's why I asked about it in GQ. I had seen the posts snickering about it, and just assumed that it had some sort of double entendre in the Greek language, or was mistranslated, or something (similar to an English surname like Glasscock). I had no idea that it was a political enemy just making something up and that's why I agree with the OP in that it has no legitimacy at all.

Let's take Biden. Imagine Rush Limbaugh decides on his radio show that a "biden" is something obscene, has it google bombed, and every time someone here posts about the VP, conservatives follow up with snicker posts about it.

My point is that the insult, taunt, or whatever, is illegitimate. You can't make up the insult and then use it. I hereby declare that the name Der Tris means "Christian Missionary" and in every thread that he rails against religion, I am going to follow each of his posts with, "That's pretty ridiculous coming from a der tris! Yuk, yuk!"


El_Kabong 09-22-2018 12:03 PM

Oh, and he seems to be unaware that Kavanaugh categorically denies ever having been present at time of the incident.

"Your honor, my client wasn't even there, but if he had been, his covering her mouth would have been just to keep her from disturbing the other partygoers!"

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El_Kabong (Post 21223378)
Oh, and he seems to be unaware that Kavanaugh categorically denies ever having been present at time of the incident.

"Your honor, my client wasn't even there, but if he was, his covering her mouth was just to keep her from disturbing the other partygoers!"

I can see why you would think that, but unfortunately he is really a for real law talking dude. However, I'm not going to go into detail on this so feel free to ignore me.

El_Kabong 09-22-2018 12:14 PM

Sorry, as you can see from my edited post, thought better of it anyway.

Budget Player Cadet 09-22-2018 12:26 PM

Honestly if anyone had a good opinion of any republican on the board, that thread is a pretty good antidote.

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 12:48 PM

Here he apparently deliberately misunderstands his opponents' positions in the name of intellectual dishonesty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21031887)
Can we just be intellectually honest and say that your side does not support enforcing immigration laws?

If I drive drunk, it is technically true that the authorities do not have to prosecute me. It is also technically true that they do not have to take me to jail if they do prosecute me. But I think that we would agree that the local authorities would not be doing their jobs if they refused to prosecute wholesale violations of the law.

It is the President's job to enforce the laws. It says so right in the Constitution. Why shouldn't he enforce this law? Because you don't like the law? Because it separates children from their families? Well, that is very sad, but it is no different than a parent violating any other law. If I am in county jail, the kids aren't there with me.


Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21089309)
Perhaps I'm being dense. He did not use the slur. He described another person using the slur to illustrate that the other person engaged in far worse conduct, but did not take heat from the media.

IOW, he seemingly acknowledged that Sanders' use of the slur was awful, yet Sanders still did not take the heat that he had.

Perhaps.

elucidator 09-22-2018 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Budget Player Cadet (Post 21223406)
Honestly if anyone had a good opinion of any republican on the board, that thread is a pretty good antidote.

At one time I did, but they call themselves "independents" now.

RitterSport 09-22-2018 01:03 PM

I read through that Santorum thread and I just realized UltraHateful used to be jtgain. I remember not having a great impression of jtgain but nothing nearly as negative as I have for UltraStupid.

Lance Turbo 09-22-2018 02:19 PM

Let's not forget his brief foray into Brett Kavanaugh slashfic...

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21213064)
What makes the allegation credible? Simply because it was physically possible? What in your mind would be an "incredible" allegation?

What if I said (and mods, I am not really making this allegation) that I met Kavanaugh at a legal conference some years ago, maybe in 2003, let's say, and that he invited me back to his room and attempted to force homosexual intercourse on me? Let's say I said that tomorrow. Should the committee investigate? Should the vote be delayed? Do I get to be on national TV?

I say, go for it. Let's see what happens.

Mr Shine 09-22-2018 05:42 PM

The first time I ever remember seeing him he was still using jtgain as a username and it was a thread on the Newcomb paradox. There were literally 3 camps.
  • Those who favoured the one box argument but understood the two box argument
  • Those who favoured the two box argument but understood the one box argument
  • jtgain

He went on for pages thick-headedly not understanding, despite multitudes of people on both sides of the argument explaining it to him. I painted him then as a moron and have seen nothing in the years since that would change my mind.

Left Hand of Dorkness 09-22-2018 06:45 PM

My main memory of him is that he thinks same-sex marriages will lead to people marrying their washing machines, or something. He's that terrible combination of malevolent and stupid.

Richard Parker 09-22-2018 06:54 PM

Nm

Qadgop the Mercotan 09-22-2018 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Shine (Post 21223870)
The first time I ever remember seeing him he was still using jtgain as a username

OMG, that's what happened to jtgain? I thought he must have taken a walk around the block and got lost or something.

Ulf the Unwashed 09-22-2018 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness (Post 21223943)
My main memory of him is that he thinks same-sex marriages will lead to people marrying their washing machines, or something. He's that terrible combination of malevolent and stupid.

Well now...MY washing machine is 18 or even a little bit older, and very nearly sentient, and practically able to sign binding contracts. Not to mention being pretty damn hot, when sheets are being washed at least. If I werenít already a married man Iíd have to consider going for it.

Iím guessing your washing machine isnít quite so attractive. Pity.

Left Hand of Dorkness 09-22-2018 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ulf the Unwashed (Post 21224154)
Iím guessing your washing machine isnít quite so attractive. Pity.

Back off, dude, mine's great, but that still doesn't mean it's good for much more than a tumble.

iiandyiiii 09-22-2018 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness (Post 21224173)
Back off, dude, mine's great, but that still doesn't mean it's good for much more than a tumble.

I like to take mine for a spin.

Ravenman 09-22-2018 09:43 PM

Heís the kind of lawyer who looks up to Michael Cohen without a whiff of irony.

Ulf the Unwashed 09-22-2018 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness (Post 21224173)
Back off, dude, mine's great, but that still doesn't mean it's good for much more than a tumble.

A tumble, hmm? I use my dryer for that.
But each to his own.

Left Hand of Dorkness 09-22-2018 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ulf the Unwashed (Post 21224215)
A tumble, hmm? I use my dryer for that.
But each to his own.

Maybe if you married one, you could change your username.

elucidator 09-23-2018 12:02 AM

Maybe does it all by hand.

Sunny Daze 09-23-2018 12:29 AM

Lance you win the Internet for starting this. UltraVires is a hateful, narrow-minded, illogical troglodyte. I pity his clients. I don't know them. I may not like them. I do support a fair and equal Justice system with representation for all. This requires good decent some type of representation for court, but lord knows self-representation is bound to be better than having UV do it.

RTFirefly 09-23-2018 06:05 AM

This was the quote I was going to Pit him over:
Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 21220205)
This "safety" shit is nonsense. Any public figure has cranks out there running their mouths and making threats. She has half of the country behind her and there is not even a good picture of her. Her lawyer could make one phone call and have a team of security at a nice hotel anywhere in the country.

'She' being Dr. Ford, of course.

ElvisL1ves 09-23-2018 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lance Turbo (Post 21223310)
Right? And he's a for real in real life lawyer.

I don't recall his saying so directly, although he certainly implies it. My guess is he's some nobody who learned a little terminology from watching too many TV shows, and tries to pass himself off safely on an anonymous message board. I don't think he's the first Doper to try that, either.

Sunny Daze 09-23-2018 11:33 AM

Did you post a link to this in the relevant thread? It took me a while to understand what this thread was for.

Ludovic 09-23-2018 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness (Post 21224243)
Maybe if you married one, you could change your username.

Post of the week!

Mr Shine 09-23-2018 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElvisL1ves (Post 21224716)
I don't recall his saying so directly, although he certainly implies it. My guess is he's some nobody who learned a little terminology from watching too many TV shows, and tries to pass himself off safely on an anonymous message board. I don't think he's the first Doper to try that, either.


He's not anonymous though. Either he's stealing the online identity of someone else or he is a lawyer.

ElvisL1ves 09-23-2018 12:31 PM

I do believe he's a West Virginian. ;)

Lance Turbo 09-23-2018 01:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunny Daze (Post 21224832)
Did you post a link to this in the relevant thread? It took me a while to understand what this thread was for.

He is aware of this thread. He's probably reading along.

Hey buddy. You're a piece of shit.

JohnT 09-23-2018 02:44 PM

Being the worst lawyer in West Virginia is probably like being the worst stripper in Lubbock, TX. Pretty low bar, and the height you have to reach to be the best isn't all that high,
either.

Chefguy 09-23-2018 03:09 PM

So are we sure this wasn't just locker room tomfoolery? You know, "boys will be boy rapists" sort of shenanigans?

Lance Turbo 09-23-2018 04:31 PM

I thought you were joking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UltraVires (Post 17904368)
Why does any of this matter? We all agree that we are throwing the traditional meaning of the word "marriage" out the window, so why do your objections stand in the way of "progress"?

Plus, as we learned from Loving v. Virginia, marriage is a fundamental right. Why would you deny this woman legal recognition of her marriage to the washing machine? What constitutional basis do you have for denying cleanlosexuals their choice of happiness?

You are denying cleanlosexuals equal protection under the law.


ElvisL1ves 09-23-2018 04:40 PM

That's an example of what someone whose knowledge of the law comes from TV (including lots of Fox) would say.

Lance Turbo 09-23-2018 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElvisL1ves (Post 21225292)
That's an example of what someone whose knowledge of the law comes from TV (including lots of Fox) would say.

He has essentially doxxed himself on this site. For this reason I'm 100% he is, for real, an actual lawyer and probably the worst lawyer in West Virginia.

Sunny Daze 09-23-2018 05:08 PM

I think we can safely expand beyond West Virginia.

running coach 09-23-2018 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lance Turbo (Post 21225328)
He has essentially doxxed himself on this site. For this reason I'm 100% he is, for real, an actual lawyer and probably the worst lawyer in West Virginia.

Funny as hell. There's a Starving Artist Studio next door.

ElvisL1ves 09-23-2018 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lance Turbo (Post 21225328)
He has essentially doxxed himself on this site. For this reason I'm 100% he is, for real, an actual lawyer and probably the worst lawyer in West Virginia.

Gotcha. Somebody that careless with documentation is not someone you'd want to hire to beat a parking ticket.

Sloe Moe 09-23-2018 06:12 PM

Lance Turbo and UltraVires.

The question is who knows more law. ;)

Budget Player Cadet 09-24-2018 04:05 AM

Is there any case to be made that maybe, just maybe, having tons of discussion glorifying rape culture might be bad for the board? I dunno, listening to this shitbag blather on about how obviously all these women are lying and it's just a "playbook" and <insert misogynistic, irrational bullshit here> is really trying my patience.

kayaker 09-24-2018 05:39 AM

TIL Kavanaugh's penis resembles a dead iguana and Trump's looks like a deformed toadstool.


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