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-   -   You shouldn't have to tell someone this is a bad idea. (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=890030)

Spud 02-13-2020 06:58 PM

You shouldn't have to tell someone this is a bad idea.
 
I have a daughter in med school and a son doing rotations as a PA (Physician's Assistant) and there are lots of interesting conversations.

My son is finishing his rotation in a large ER and had a patient today, and shared a story that took the cake.

So, here is the advice I will give based on the lesson learned.

If you are a woman and if you have a strong urge to... umm... self stimulate, something made of latex is a good idea. Something made of steel may not be... especially if it is loaded, and even more important is don't put your finger anywhere near the trigger.

She's going to live but doesn't have the parts to be stimulated anymore, and will likely walk funny (have fun explaining that).

Kamino Neko 02-13-2020 07:09 PM

You're being a bit too discreet... Are you saying she masturbated with a gun?

If so...yeah, that's kind of obviously a bad idea. (I've occasionally seen it in rule 34 of gunslinger characters...that's always a back-button moment for me, because...who would think it was a good idea?!)

wolfman 02-13-2020 07:11 PM

I wonder if it was for a fetish video.

Spud 02-13-2020 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kamino Neko (Post 22137721)
You're being a bit too discreet

Really... you thought that was too subtle? Steel... Loaded... Trigger... blew off her clitoris.

Yes, that is exactly what happened.

terentii 02-13-2020 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137746)
Trigger... blew off her clitoris.

Nobody will ever be able to find it now. :(

Chronos 02-13-2020 07:30 PM

[Moderating]
Moving to MPSIMS, where it was apparently intended.

Beckdawrek 02-13-2020 07:31 PM

Holy crap.
:smack:

Spud 02-13-2020 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chronos (Post 22137761)
[Moderating]
Moving to MPSIMS, where it was apparently intended.

Yeah, I'm sorry... I could try to stretch things to make it seem like arts or food, but I'm not sure I could pull it off. Thanks for restoring the world order.

Spud 02-13-2020 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 22137756)
Nobody will ever be able to find it now. :(

Maybe it will be easier... it's on the wall by the bullet hole.

Kamino Neko 02-13-2020 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beckdawrek (Post 22137763)
Holy crap.
:smack:

Doesn't sound like that's what she put an (extra) hole in.

terentii 02-13-2020 07:51 PM

Reminds me of that young woman named Alice....

terentii 02-13-2020 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137796)
Maybe it will be easier... it's on the wall by the bullet hole.

As opposed to ... ew, never mind! :(

steatopygia 02-13-2020 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 22137756)
Nobody will ever be able to find it now. :(

I laughed.

longhair75 02-13-2020 08:06 PM

Gun Safety:
Rule 1 - All guns are always loaded.
Rule 2 - Never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to destroy.
Rule 3 - Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are aligned with the target.
Rule 4 - Be sure of your target and its surroundings.

Two Many Cats 02-13-2020 08:12 PM

I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.

Spud 02-13-2020 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 22137804)
Reminds me of that young woman named Alice....

Who used a gun as a phallus...

terentii 02-13-2020 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Two Many Cats (Post 22137846)
I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

Depends on which way the gun was pointed, wouldn't it? :dubious: :confused:

terentii 02-13-2020 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137852)
Who used a gun as a phallus...

Dynamite stick. ;)

terentii 02-13-2020 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137790)
I could try to stretch things....

I imagine she did too. :rolleyes:

Moriarty 02-13-2020 08:39 PM

I know a criminal defense attorney who has described his most disturbing case as involving a similar scenario, except the woman did not live and the defendant was the one who wanted to claim that the gun was being used as a sexual aid.

When working criminal cases, you are often exposed to graphic autopsy or accident scene photos, but he said the pictures from this case were the worst thing he’d ever seen.

terentii 02-13-2020 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moriarty (Post 22137883)
When working criminal cases, you are often exposed to graphic autopsy or accident scene photos, but he said the pictures from this case were the worst thing he’d ever seen.

On Forensic Files, this would be called "a sign of rage." :eek:

Spud 02-13-2020 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Two Many Cats (Post 22137846)
I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.

Missed this... yes it is being investigated.

Oredigger77 02-13-2020 09:20 PM

Huh, I guess guns really are penis substitutes. Next we'll see a case of a woman getting run over by a fancy sports car while using is as a penis substitute.

pool 02-13-2020 09:24 PM

I'm not sure if it was true or not but I read an alleged case once where a guy injected cocaine into his penis and developed gangrene and had not only his penis but both his legs amputated.

TreacherousCretin 02-13-2020 09:33 PM

...They found her vagina in North Carolina...

terentii 02-13-2020 09:44 PM

... and bits of her tits in Dallas. :D

terentii 02-13-2020 09:46 PM

And then there was the young girl named Jill....

Spud 02-13-2020 10:07 PM

There was a young girl named Alice
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now poor Alice... yeah I've got nothing here.

Maybe Deloris, Mulva?

Leviosaurus 02-13-2020 10:09 PM

I saw an interview with Bill Lawrence (showrunner for Scrubs.) He had some friends who had gone through med school and were doing their residencies. He'd get together and drink with them, and he couldn't get over how hilarious their stories were. That's how he came up with the idea for the show. Some of the early stories were straight from his friends.

Spud 02-13-2020 10:22 PM

There was an Okie named Alice.
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now her clit is in Dallas

Am I spending way too much time trying to scrub this picture out of my brain with an attempt at humor?

terentii 02-13-2020 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137991)
There was an Okie named Alice.
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now her clit is in Dallas

Good one! :cool:

puzzlegal 02-13-2020 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Two Many Cats (Post 22137846)
I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137914)
Missed this... yes it is being investigated.

Good! because honestly, that sounds more plausible than "she used a loaded gun as a dildo".

terentii 02-13-2020 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by puzzlegal (Post 22138000)
Good! because honestly, that sounds more plausible than "she used a loaded gun as a dildo".

Target practice? :dubious: :confused:

Colibri 02-13-2020 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 22137953)
... and bits of her tits in Dallas. :D

Doesn't scan. It's "And part of her anus in Dallas."

TreacherousCretin 02-13-2020 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by terentii (Post 22137954)
And then there was the young girl named Jill....

Who used a dynamite stick for a thrill...

They found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil

pkbites 02-13-2020 11:58 PM

One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off. :eek:

outlierrn 02-14-2020 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spud (Post 22137977)
There was a young girl named Alice
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now poor Alice...


...seems much more callus?

panache45 02-14-2020 02:36 AM

Was she listening to "Happiness Is a Warm Gun"?

Beckdawrek 02-14-2020 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pkbites (Post 22138086)
One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off. :eek:

Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.

Fugazi 02-14-2020 05:13 AM

It was an honest mistake. She just got the saying...

This is my rifle
This is my gun
This ones for fighting
This ones for fun

A little backward.

Machine Elf 02-14-2020 05:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beckdawrek (Post 22138224)
Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.

You've never heard of "flicking your bean" as an expression for female self-pleasure?

There's even a beer out there called ""Bean Flicker"; it's made with coffee flavors, but the name is of course a reference to the slang term.

iiandyiiii 02-14-2020 05:42 AM

In the style of Cormac McCarthy (hat tip AV Club):

"Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife Jennifer squatted in the cracked terracotta terrain of New Mexico and dug her heels into the carpet and holstered the Smith & Wesson in the capacious hollow of her vagina. The gun flashed silver before it disappeared inside her as she had disappeared inside the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend on Aventura Road. Jennifer thought of space aliens and squared the gun in her vagina.

....

The police report paid no mind to what the argument was about besides “space aliens” and that she had left home because of it. When Jennifer had returned to Aventura Road the auric moonlight had cast long shadows on the crags and lava scree of the surrounding floodplain and then on her figure as she put the gun deep inside her concavity. The floodplain out there broad and quiet. The heft of the Smith & Wesson cold and steely in her vagina.

....

The police report would say Jennifer was arrested on a felony charge of aggravated assault and handcuffed and taken away. Cormac McCarthy would say nothing. There werent nothing to say against the crushing black void of the universe or of your ex-wife's vagina. There werent nothing to say about a thing like that except that the world continued its cold and relentless circling and that maybe he had known already that women do strange things with their vaginas and that if you asked him he was glad to be rid of it.

Who is crazy, you or me? she had asked.

The gun in her vagina did the talking on that."

kaylasdad99 02-14-2020 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pkbites (Post 22138086)
One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off. :eek:

Why Pete Beitz retired from the Sheriffs Office early

Maybe after an anecdote like that, you omit the .sig line...

tim-n-va 02-14-2020 07:46 AM

Is this what they mean by a “vaginal discharge”? :p

Beckdawrek 02-14-2020 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Machine Elf (Post 22138253)
You've never heard of "flicking your bean" as an expression for female self-pleasure?

There's even a beer out there called ""Bean Flicker"; it's made with coffee flavors, but the name is of course a reference to the slang term.

I've led a sheltered life, what can I say?
(:))

terentii 02-14-2020 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beckdawrek (Post 22138224)
Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.

I've always liked "little man in a boat." :o

Broomstick 02-14-2020 03:50 PM

"Ammosexual" should be an internet meme, not an actual sexual practice.

Tim R. Mortiss 02-14-2020 04:25 PM

After her last boyfriend failed to satisfy her, she decided she needed a lover of a higher caliber.

terentii 02-14-2020 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tim R. Mortiss (Post 22139424)
After her last boyfriend failed to satisfy her, she decided she needed a lover of a higher caliber.

Her next relationship was a real blast, but unfortunately a one-shot affair. :(

Riemann 02-14-2020 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by longhair75 (Post 22137836)
Gun Safety:
Rule 1 - All guns are always loaded.

I know what you mean, but I think this needs to be phrased a little less ambiguously.


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