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-   -   If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!? (https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=138905)

Lady Severus 01-15-2003 07:23 PM

OK, this is going to be really terrible, but I have to post it. It's been nagging on me so please forgive me:

First rule of Fellowship:
Do not talk about Fellowship.

Second rule of Fellowship:
DO NOT TALK ABOUT FELLOWSHIP.

and if this is your first time in Fellowship, you have to fight the orks

*groan* I know I know, it's awful, but now I can leave it be!

Sejal_Traurig 01-15-2003 07:32 PM

Quote:

Bumper Stickers of the Ring
Let us not forget:

I'd Rather Be Napping

And

My Uruk Hai Beat Up Your Honor Student

Achren 01-15-2003 07:36 PM

I can see a tabloid headline now...

Hobbits Ate Me Out of House and Home!!
Woman tells of harrowing experience.

Wumpus 01-15-2003 07:41 PM

THE AMAZING RINGLORD, issue #4 (1965)


PAGE 1

Title: COMES A HERO

Subtitle: Special Guest Heroes -- The Rivendell Five! Plus Gandalf, Master of the Mystic Arts.

Caption: Written by Stan "the Man" Lee
Drawn by Jack "King" Kirby and Suave Steve Ditko
Inked by Joltin' Joe Sinnott
Lettered by the Inevitable Artie Simek

(Spash panel. We see FRODO standing in the center of the RIVENDELL FIVE HQ. He's holding up the RING in triumph. Arrayed around him in a semicircle are GANDALF, ARWEN, and the RIVENDELL FIVE--ELROND, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, ARAGORN and BOROMIR.)

Caption: The person: Frodo, hobbit-hero on a mission! The place: The garden penthouse of the fashionable Rivendell Building, headquarters of the Rivendell Five! The time: Right now, effendi!

Frodo: You heard me right, guys and gals! Yours truly has found the legendary Ring of Power!


PAGE TWO

(The interior of the Rivendell Five HQ, cont'd)

Frodo: So, where do I collect my reward for this little trinket?

Elrond: Reward? I'm afraid there's a misunderstanding. There's no reward...

Boromir: Methinks such heroic deeds are done for the good of all, and not for filthy lucre!

Frodo: (thinks) Oh swell! Without reward money, how am I going to pay for Uncle Bilbo's medicine? (speaks) Sorry, my mistake. I'll just take my ring and go home.

Elrond: Hold on there, son. That ring is evil. Sauron will use it to cover all the world in a second darkness. The ring must be destroyed.

Gimli: Alright, brainiac, enough yakking. Leave it to me! I'll pulverize it!

Gandalf: By the Cats of Queen Beruthiel, you cannot destroy the ring by brute force! The only way to destroy it is in the fierce fires of Mount Doom.

Boromir: Mount Doom? That lieth in Mordor!

Legolas: Are you suggesting we walk right into a country that's ruled by Sauron, our greatest arch-enemy? I think Mr. Wizard here has flipped his lid!

Gimli: Cool it, hot-head! Aragorn will find a way in. He is the world's greatest tracker, after all.


PAGE THREE

(The interior of the Rivendell Five HQ, cont'd)

Frodo: Aragorn? But--you were famous back when my dad was a kid! How can you possibly be so young?

Aragorn: The Numenorean Super-Soldier gene! It slows down the aging process, and gives me strength and agility beyond that of ordinary men.

Legolas: Why should we trust this half-pint, anyway? He broke into our HQ like a common thief! And all the newspapers say he's wanted by the authorities in Bree!

Gandalf: I will vouch for the hobbit! It was I who, using my arcane arts, divined the true nature of the ring. And it was I who sent Frodo on his mystic mission! By the Teeming Towers of Minas Tirith, we must take the ring to Mordor!

Elrond: Very well. We'll need supplies for the mission. Let's head to the lab. I've developed a new food concentrate called lembas that you may find interesting...

Gimli: Food concentrate? For the love of Pete! Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned hamburger?

(The group heads out of the main meeting room, except for Frodo and Arwen.)


PAGE FOUR

(Frodo stands alone in the main meeting room. In the background, Arwen gaves wistfully out the window.)

Frodo: (thinks) I thought the ring would be an easy way to make money. Now I'm signed up for a trip to Mordor? And I still haven't recovered from my confrontation with Bombadil!* What have I gotten myself into?

Caption: *As recounted in ish #3, natch! Smilin' Stan

Frodo: (thinks) There's Arwen! She's so beautiful... All right, Frodo, just walk over and talk to her. Who knows, maybe ...

(Aragorn and Gandalf enter. Arwen runs up and takes Aragorn's arm.)

Arwen: There you are, tiger! A girl might think you were leaving without saying goodbye!

Frodo: (thinks) Face it, Frodo Baggins--you may have a ring of power, but you're still a big fat zero with the ladies!

Gandalf: Come Frodo. The perilous path to Mordor awaits!

Frodo: Gandalf, I wish that I had never seen the ring. Why did it come to me?

Gandalf: Remember Frodo--with great power comes great responsibility.

Elrond: Good luck! I'll stay here and monitor your progress via telepathic link!

Gimli: Ain't it always the way? We're out taking all the knocks while the boss man kicks back and relaxes!


PAGE FIVE

(The fortress of Isengard. SARUMAN is consulting with SAURON using the palantir.)

Caption: Yet even as the heroes hit the road, two sinister forms confer in a meeting of malice.

Sauruman: So it's agreed --you'll take out your old enemies the Rivendell Five, while I will deal with Gandalf and that upstart hobbit that's been in the headlines lately.

Sauron: Of course, my white-clad friend. This arrangement will benefit us both!

Sauruman: Indeed. Farewell! (thinks) Little does that old fool suspect! While he's wasting time with those Rivendell morons, I'll snatch his precious ring!

(We switch to Sauron in the interior of Barad-dur.)

Caption: But Saruman's plans are not as secret as he thinks...

Sauron: (thinks) The idiot wizard is probably already thinking about double-crossing me! But no matter. My plans are in place. Soon I will rule all of Middle Earth! If only I could achieve true coporeal form! If only I could have a ... a body! With ten fingers! Instead, I'm cursed to remain an insubstantial spirit, while all those flesh things look down on me and laugh! But I'll have my revenge on the flesh world. They will pay! (speaks) They ... will ... PAY!


PAGE SIX

Caption: Meanwhile, all mayhem has broken loose at the entrance to the fabled Mines of Moria.

(Fight scene: the WATCHER IN THE WATER holds Frodo up in the air in one of its many tentacles, while the other heroes attack the creature on the ground.)

Frodo: Guess you're all hands, eh squid face? Don't take it personally, but I'm not that kind of a hobbit!

Boromir: More deeds and fewer words, mine hobbit friend! Take that, foul dwimmerlaik!

(Boromir slices off the tentacle holding Frodo, and Frodo falls to the ground.)

Frodo: Oof! Thanks, Boromir! Say, why do you hang onto that crazy horn all the time? Starting your own jazz combo?

Boromir: A fine jest, master hobbit! Nay, this horn is but an heirloom of mine people. (thinks) He must not suspect that, without the power of mine mystic horn, I am as weak and feeble as a mewling kitten! Yet if I had the ring of power, then ... Nay! Such thoughts lead but to madness!

Gimili: For the love of--This overgrown refugee from an aquarium must have been the Moria Street Gang's idea of a joke! I'll pulverize 'em!

(Gimli storms into Moria)

Aragorn: Hold on Gimli!

(Gimli stands over several DWARF SKELETONS as the other heroes enter Moria.)

Gimli: Hmmm, if this is the Moria Street Gang, someone sure did a number on 'em!

Frodo: (thinks) My magic sword--glowing! (speaks) Looks like we've invited ourselves to a big orc bash!

Gimli: It's orc-bashing time!

(Orcs stream out of every nook and cranny.)

Orcs: Intruders! Get them!

Aragorn: Follow me, everyone!


PAGE SEVEN

(Spash panel. Fight scene. Aragorn is posed with his feet roughly eight feet apart, holding his sword aloft in a dramatic pose. Behind him approximately five thousand ORCS are attacking the heroes, armed with swords, clubs, and complicated machines made out of vacuum cleaner pieces.)

Aragorn: Rivendell, Assemble!

Caption: And so the living embodiment of Gondorian monarchy once again leads the forces of right into the fray--and prevails. Yet, every battle comes at a cost.


PAGE EIGHT

(An ORC impales Frodo with a spear.)

Frodo: Aaaaa!

Aragorn: Frodo!

Gimli: Take this, big, green, and gruesome!

(Gimli dispatches the orc with a single blow.)

Frodo: I--I'm all right. It was my shirt....

Gimli: What th-! A mithril shirt! That little doodad must be worth more than all of downtown Minas Tirith put together!

Frodo: Not mithril, Gimli. Adamantium. It's a thousand times stronger than mithril!

Gandalf: By the Nattering Nabobs of Nimrodel! There's more about you than meets the eye, Frodo Baggins!


PAGE NINE

(Something ominous lurks in the dark at the end of the corridor)

SFX: RRRGH!

Legolas: What was that?

Gimli: More of 'em!

Gandalf: By Thror's Hammer! Now we face our most fearsome foe of all--a Balrog of Morgoth! The rest of you go on ahead. I'll--I'll face it alone.

Frodo: Don't be crazy, Gandalf! That thing looks like it eats wizards for breakfast!

Gandalf: Sorry, Frodo, but I must. It's the only way. Now, fly, you fools!

(The BALROG appears)

Balrog: GRAAGH!

(Gandalf confronts the Balrog, eldritch power flowing through his staff.)

Gandalf: By the Secret Fire of Arnor -- You shall not pass!

Caption: Next Issue: FAllS A HERO. Don't miss it!

amy_attorney 01-15-2003 08:11 PM

LOTR as told by John Cusack....

(Heavily ironic and rapid-fire delivery): So there are these rings, see, a whole bunch of them, but they're not important because they're all controlled by this ONE Ring, see, and this ONE Ring, it BINDS them all. And Sauron (he's the Dark Lord, see), he CREATED the rings, see, and he's just USING the ONE Ring to control the whole world. But then this dude, Isildur, see, he gets it into his head, in the middle of a battle, no less, that HE should have the ONE Ring, and he actually cuts off Sauron's hand!!! And Sauron, he just blinks out into nothingness!

(The innocent but also heavily ironic young girl to whom John is relating all this then says "Okay, so then what happens?")

So THEN, I forget how, but Isildur dies, right? and the Ring gets lost or thrown away or whatever, it doesn't matter, but it ends up at the bottom of this river, and it just LIES there, for, like, hundreds, I dunno, maybe THOUSANDS of years, okay? And then this guy, Smeagol? He finds it, or maybe someone else finds it and Smeagol kills him, but whatever, now Smeagol has it. But the Ring corrupts Smeagol, 'cause it's really an instrumentality of evil, right? So Smeagol develops this split personality thing, and the other part of him makes this weird little noise with his throat, like this "gollumgollum"...

(the innocent young thing giggles)

...and so he's called Gollum, and eventually even HE forgets who he once was. So, a REALLY long time passes, and this little guy, a creature called a Hobbit, named Bilbo Baggins, he goes on this quest with a Wizard and some Dwarves....

(the innocent young thing, wide-eyed, giggles again (annoyingly), and says "Dwarves? Like in Snow White?")

...well, KINDA like in Snow White, but they were all smart, and they were all heavily ARMED. So, they go off on this quest, and in the middle of it, Bilbo, he gets separated from the rest of them, I forget how, and he ends up at this underground lake thing, and he sees this thing on the ground, and he picks it up, and it's this ring, so he puts it in his pocket. And he gets all turned around and he's lost and he doesn't think he's ever going to get out, and then he hears a voice...

(the innocent young thing sort of bounces (again, annoyingly) and says "ooh, a voice!" with a meaningful look in her eyes)

...YES! a VOICE! which is Gollum, and he basically wants to kill Bilbo, but they get into this riddle contest instead, I forget how, and Bilbo runs out of riddles, so he cheats and says instead "what do I have in my pocket?"...

(the innocent young thing sort of pouts and says "but that's not a riddle!")

... I KNOW, that's why it's cheating! So anyway, Gollum can't guess, so he has to lead Bilbo out, 'cause that's their deal. So Bilbo gets back with the rest of the group, and he ends up taking the ring home. And he keeps it in a box on his fireplace for years, and eventually he's having this birthday party, and who shows up but the Wizard, again, and the Wizard tells him that he has to give up the ring and hie himself off to Rivendell, which is, like, elf-land, whatever, so off he goes. And then the Wizard gives the ring to Bilbo's nephew, Frodo, and sends HIM off to Rivendell too.

So they get to Rivendell, and now all of a sudden there's like this group of world leaders, all the major "good-guy" players of fantasy land. You got Elves, and Dwarves, and Men, and Hobbits, and Wizards. And they decide the Ring should be destroyed, and the Wizard says the only way to do it is to throw it into the volcano where it came from, but it's dangerous because Sauron is watching...

(the innocent young thing looks confused and says "But I thought you said Sauron died?")

...No, see, 'cause Sauron kinda can't die, he's the Dark Lord, so when he blinked into nothingness, he didn't really cease to BE, he just sorta went, I dunno, dormant....

(the innocent young thing pipes up with "Oh, like a mosquito?")

...YES! EXACTLY like a mosquito! (loses his place for a second, then) So anyway, they put together this Fellowship, right? and Frodo is chosen to be the poor schmoe who carries the Ring, because he's the only one who really doesn't want it. So they go off and stuff happens, and anyway, Frodo and this other hobbit, Sam, they end up with Gollum at the volcano, and I forget how or why, but there's this fight, and Gollum ends up biting off Frodo's finger...

("ooh! gross!")

...and the finger and the ring and Gollum all fall into the volcano, and that causes Sauron to REALLY blink into nothingness.

(the innocent young thing looks REALLY confused.."but I thought you said that Sauron *couldn't* die?!")

...Right. I did. That's why this story is so depressing. It's really a story about how we ALL die eventually, and don't believe that just because you're a Dark Lord, that means you get to escape your ultimate fate forever. No, you're doomed, just like the rest of us....

(the innocent young thing looks disgusted. "I don't know why I let you tell me these stories.")

Vectorferret 01-15-2003 10:14 PM

Princess of Rivendell, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Turning to face the flames, my companions and I were faced with a hideous creature from the hells of middle earth. The face appeared as that of an earthly panther, but with horns like those of a bulls. The torso of the creature was a well muscled and beatiful chest of a man. The body itself seamed to confuse my eyes, composed of both fire and shadow. I knew I was facing a Balrog, the hideous demons of an ancient age.
My first instinct was to lunge at the creature with all the honour that is my Dunedain heritage, but concern for the safety of the halflings in my care, and the warnings of Galdalf, whom I love and admire lef my instead to turn and run. It is not in my nature to flee, but sometimes even I can be brought to do so.
Gandalf turned to the beast an giving the fighting smile of the men of Valinor, called out thusly, "You shall not, pass!"

Daemon9 01-15-2003 10:22 PM

Well, it's not exactly brilliant, but it tickles my fancy.
For those who wanted a Beatles song based (however loosely) on LoTR, I have basically changed a few words from one of their lesser-done-to-death songs.
Hope you enjoy my first ever post.



Misery
------

The elves are treating me baaad
Misery

I'm the kind of ring
Who's just not used to fleeing
The elves are treating me baaad
Misery

I've lost my master for sure
I won't see him no more
It's gonna be a draaag
Misery

I remember all the little things we've done
Can't he see I'll always be the only one?
Only one

Send me back to him
Obey his every whim
Without him I will beee in
Misery

I remember all the little things we've done
He'll remember and he'll miss his only one
Lonely one

Send me back to him
Obey his every whim
Without him I will beee in
Misery
In misery
Misery

fidget 01-15-2003 11:09 PM

If LotR was an Apple Swithc Add
 
With my appologies to Elen Feiss (http://www.apple.com/switch/ads/ellenfeiss.html)

I was looking at my ring, and then, like, *beep* *Beep* *beep* and it was gone! And I was, like, Uhh?

He tooks my ring!

It was a good ring too, a precioussss ring. I had to get it back, but it wasn't the same. It was, kind of, a bummer.

My name is Smeagol and I'm a searching from my preciousssss.

MMercurius 01-15-2003 11:13 PM

The love song of J.R.R. Prufrock
 
Let us go then, you and I,
To Mordor, where the shadows lie
A land rent open, stricken upon its bedrock;
Let us go, through certain marshes dead,
The whispering entreaties
Of restless souls in shallow watery tombs
That summon you to rest in the mud:
A creature follows with lantern eyes
Of obsessive guile and guise,
To lead you into Shelob's lair.
Oh, do not ask 'Where is it?'
Let us go and make our visit.

In the night the shadows come and go
Talking of Samwise and Frodo.
....
I have heard the Nazgul screeching, each to each.
I do not think they will see through me.
I have seen them hurtling skyward, riding beasts
Breathing foully, circling round and back
With flesh grown pale and nails grown black.

We have lingered on the slops of Orodruin
By lakes of fire wreathed in yellow gloom,
Was that a bang, or whimper? It was Gollum...

klahol 01-16-2003 01:30 AM

Some excerpts from LOTR, directed by Quentin Tarantino

http://klas.holmlund.nu/lotr

GRAS 01-16-2003 03:12 AM

Re: The Wizard Of Rings Post 1 of 2
 
Quote:

Originally posted by jasontag
Someone mentioned L. Frank Baum earlier, but didn't take it to its logical (?), and better known conclusion.
I apologize for the length - hopefully you'll find it worth it.


Oh, it was great! Much better than my version of "Wizard of middle earth"! Wonderful.

btg308 01-16-2003 06:08 AM

"If you've ever been too drunk to shave your feet, you might be a hobbit."

Excerpt from ...you might be a hobbit, by Jeff Foxworthy on his stand-up comedy tour of the Shire.





Frodo was stuffing his pipe with fresh weed when he suddenly exclaimed "Samwise, put the kettle on. We're having a visitor."

Samwise looked up from his copy of The Middle Earth Guardian, startled. "Are we expecting someone?"

"No, but nevertheless he'll be here in a few moments."

Samwise, with a slightly sceptical look on his face, got up and started to prepare three cups of the best Shire tea.

There was a knock on the door.

"Ah, there he is now" said Frodo. "A wizard, unless I'm mistaken. Dressed in grey, carrying a long beard, a staff and a small object of utmost importance."

"I say! How...?"

"Elementary, my dear Samwise."

From The case of the Ring by Arthur Conan Doyle.

Duncan 01-16-2003 07:57 AM

Quote:

Caption: Next Issue: FAllS A HERO. Don't miss it!
Oh that was priceless. Absolutely perfect.

I've had a go at a couple I don't think anyone's done yet - sorry if they have been done already.

A scene from "Dr Gandalf (or How I learned stop worrying and love the ring)"

Theoden's Hall in Rohan
=================

GANDALF: Hail Theoden, son of Thengil.

(Gandalf points at Grima Wormtongue.)

GANDALF: Aha! A filthy spy for Saruman. Have it ye.

(Gandalf charges forward but is restrained by Halmer.)

HALMER: Gandalf, war is brewing. This is no time to be fighting.

(Gandalf backs off grudgingly.)

THEODEN: We will hear you out wizard, but do not weary our ears with bad news. We wish peace for us and our people.

GANDALF: Lord Theoden. How can you sit there talking of peace? Think of our place in the history books.

GRIMA: Perhaps we should be more concerned with the people of Rohan, than our place in the history books.

(Aragorn draws Anduril and flourishes the blade.)

ARAGORN: Nonsense! Ve must attack at vonce. All ze enemies of Gondor must be crushed, and subjugated. V'one Middle Earth, v'one people, v'one King.

(Aragorn's other arm snatches Anduril, and sheathes the blade again. It then slaps him in the face a few times and restrains the hand that originally drew the blade.)

(Enter Gwyhir the great eagle)

GWYHIR: Dark tiding to relate Gandalf if you will hear them.

(There is a muttered condeference between Gandalf and Gwyhir.)

GANDALF: Ah, it appears we may have a problem. I think we might need to get in contact with Saruman. Can he hear me with his palantir Grima?

GRIMA: He can, and can make his voice heard by others if he so chooses.

GANDALF: Excellent. Hello Saruman, how are you? You're good. Well that's good. I'm good too. We're all good. Now I've got a bit of bad news for you. A couple of the hobbits in our fellowship - good hobbits...best we have...have...ahhh...gone a bit funny. Y'know, just funny. And, well, they've done a very silly thing. The thing is they've, now don't get upset, they've gone and got the ents they're with to attack your city, and grind it into the dust....no...don't take your hands away from the stone, I'm not finished.

(Gandalf waves his hands about in the air a little.)

GANDALF: Well, look, I know you're upset, we're all upset. This is a friendly message. If it weren't friendly you wouldn't be getting it. Do you think I just called you up for a chat? Now, don't be like that. Of course I like chatting to you Saruman. Yeah, and your uruk hai too. But...what's that...the ents are arriving...well good luck...

============
AND

"Witchking of Angmar"
Volume 987 in the Tale of the Eternal Champion
by Michael Moorcock

His cloak flutters behind him in the wind, like the wings of some great raven poised to strike down its prey. From underneath the hood of his cloak stare two red eyes, gleaming with bright malevolence. By his side hangs a long blade of some unknown dark metal, and on the hand that rests on the pommel of that blade is a ring - a simple band of gold - plain and unadorned.

He is the Witchking of Angmar, later to become known as Womanslain. He stands before the riders of Mordor he commands, outwardly confident, but silently brooding.

What morality know these men I command? What honour? Great they may once have been, but now they only continue.

But no longer will he allow his Dark Master complete command over him. He will see the Middle Earth outside Mordor, and learn from it, so that when he return he might reshape his land.

"Riders of Mordor, all is in readiness now. We shall away - seek ye Baggins."

An orc approached his horse as he is about to ride off.

"Master, I beg you - you do great ill to leave the Mouth of Sauron in charge of your affairs whilst you are gone. I swear he shall betray you."

"No good servant he shall not. Though he has sought to betray me, usurp me, and kill me in the past, I believe he has changed after all we have been through. Did I not hold him at daggerpoint and yet spare his life. He will not betray me, if only for that."

The servant looked unhappy, but the Witch King reared up his dark steed and rode on through the Black Gate, leaving the orc behind....

**********************************************

Hard the Witchking and his followers rode, and by the seventh day they had reached the borders of Isenguard. The tower of Orthanc rose high above the city's walls, looking like a long crooked finger silhouetted against the evening sky. But it appeared vritually undefended. A few skinny orcs stood by the walls, whilst orc children played amongst the felled trees outside.

The Witchking mistrusted this however, and instructed one of his riders to scout ahead and report back. The remainder sat back in their saddles waiting in silence.

The scout did not get far; he had gone only a few yards when a great white light flashed from the of the Tower and lightning crackled down from the light obliterating the rider.

"Ah, what I fool I was to tempt Saruman so. Now only eight strong shall we ride to his gates?"

Some of the other riders shifted uncomfortably.

"But I believe there is another way. Though it galls me to call upon such spirits, I see I have no choice."

And he dismounted, and sat down on the hard earth to meditate. Onyl after five hours did he speak the name of his master.

"Sauron. Sauron. Sauron, answer me."

A glowing red eye flickered into existence seeming to weaken and corrupt all it looked upon. The rage that burnt around it was almost palpable. The words were not spoken, but the Witch King heard them.

"Do not flee your destiny Witch King. It is meant for you to find Baggins.

"That is for me to say Sauron."

"Why do you fight your destiny?"

"I am my own master, not desiny's slave. I mean no disrespect master, for I shall serve you nontheless."

"Ah, Witch King, you are the finest of my slaves. The talisman of Macguffin that hangs around your neck will protect you and your company from the sorcerous defence that Saruman has errected. Go now to your destiny."

The eye disappeared from view.

"Riders, foward. Let all in the city feel our wrath. Too long has Mordor tolerated Saruman the White. What great negligence on our part not to have wiped him and his followers from the face of the earth in the first great war. But now, now it shall be different."

And with that the Witch King kicked his heels into the sides of his dark steed, and charged into the city, at the head of his dark company.

"Blood! Blood! Blood for my Lord Sauron!"

And as he rode forward, again and again his Morgul blade lashed out felling children, and adults alike. The Morgul Lord's red eyes blazed, and though none could see it, his face was fixed in a hideous grin. His sword was the vengeance for all the treacheries of Saruman.

And he offered the souls of those he slayed to his Lord Sauron. The Lidless Eye, the master of treacheries, and foremost of the powers of evil on Middle Earth.

And those who followed him would say they had seen a black cloaked devil that day. He had been more than a Ringwraith - he had been destruction and chaos incarnate.

wava 01-16-2003 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by amy_attorney
LOTR as told by John Cusack....

Wonderful! Thank you!

KathleenTheCritic 01-16-2003 08:54 AM

I love the bumper-stickers!!!! In that same vein, some t-shirts:

"My Nephew Went To Mount Doom
And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"


"I’m With Precioussss---->"

And if LOTR was a basketball game (someone who’s into sports could surely expand on this with a color commentary!)

The Mordor Marauders
vs.
The Hobbiton Halflings

(The Hobbiton Halflings pull it out at the last second when the game ends on a personal foul.)


Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic

p.s. Mocroidh, you totally rock. I love your posts!

Kilt-wearin' man 01-16-2003 09:02 AM

I've tried to read the whole thread (27 pages! Damn!), and I hope this hasn't been covered yet...

Balrog"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see!"

Aragorn"Ask me the questions, Balrog, I'm not afraid!"

Balrog"What...is your NAME?"

Aragorn"Aragorn, Heir of Gondor."

Balrog"What...is your QUEST?"

Aragorn"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"

Balrog"What...is your favorite color?"

Aragorn"Green."

Balrog"Right, then. Off with you..."

Aragorn"...oh, thank you...thank you very much...[/i]

Gandalf"That's EASY!" Rushes forward to the Balrog

Balrog"Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Khazad-dum must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see!"

Gandalf"Ask me the questions, Balrog, I'm not afraid!"

Balrog"What...is your NAME?"

Gandalf"Gandalf the Grey."

Balrog"What...is your QUEST?"

Gandalf"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"

Balrog"What...is in my POCKET?"

Gandalf"I don't know THAT! AAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!!" Gandalf is cast into the chasm

Frodo and Sam approach the Bridge

Balrog"Stop! What...is your name?"

Frodo"Frodo Baggins, Hobbit of the Shire!"

Balrog"What...is your QUEST?"

Frodo"To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!"

Balrog"What...is the land-speed velocity of an unladen ork?"

Frodo"What do you mean? Goblin or Uruk-Hai?"

Balrog"What? I don't know...AAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!" The Balrog is cast into the chasm...

Sam"How do you know so much about orks?"

Frodo"Well, you have to know these things when you're a Ring-Bearer, you know..."

Sejal_Traurig 01-16-2003 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by KathleenTheCritic
[B]I love the bumper-stickers!!!! In that same vein, some t-shirts:
Then there would be the T-Shirt given to Frodo by the elves of Rivendell:

This IS my Halloween costume

Sejal_Traurig 01-16-2003 09:23 AM

Perhaps even more appropriate:

Client of the Federal Witness Protection Program. You didn't see me

GoSensGo2 01-16-2003 09:31 AM

Wow. I haven't been to SDMB in about a year... and this thread is too much fun. Obviously, I've spent the last 90 mins reading these 27 pages instead of working on my Master's Treatise. All I have to say is that I haven't yet seen Jonathan Swift, Laurence Sterne, Daniel Defoe, or WH Auden, and I aim to rectify at least one of these four obvious omissions.

Wulff 01-16-2003 09:31 AM

LoTR by Bret Easton Ellis
 
I enter the "Prancing Pony", the most popular of Taverns in this area. It´s not like the party we just left in The Shire, if you know what I mean, but surprisingly it´s really crowded. Lucky for us, Gandalf has forewarned the owner of the tavern of me and my
fellowship´s arrival. The owner is a man in is 40´s who reminds me slightly of Faramir (a Faramir in his 40´s that is). On my way to the table I crash into a drunken dwarf. For a few seconds I confuse him with Gimli, though I know that Gimli probably is hanging out with Legolas at Bombadils place at this moment. The dwarf is wearing an exclusive looking chainmail, made of what appears to be mithril and marked with a golden "G". There is an axe hanging from his belt, which bears the same golden "G" logo as the chainmail altough it´s, naturally, made of processed fur and silver. I quitely remind myself that I must purchase one myself when passing Rivendell.

Me, Sam, Peregrin and Merry reach our table and start to look through the menu. Irritating indeed, I find no lembas on the starters menu. "How can I help you, gentlemen?" the tavern
owner aproaches us, in a very Faramir-ish way. "you haven´t got any lembas, do you?" Merry and Peregrin look at each other and then look at me, obviously surprised of my remark. "Sorry Sir, we haven´t got any in right now. May I suggest..." "No lembas? no lembas!"

I find myself shouting at the tavern owner, who´s as surprised as I am. I feel a sudden urge to staple his ears to the table with my newly bought elven daggers and cut his back open and pull out his guts while forcing him to fist of broken glass. The blood runs down the table and reaches a dog, which starts to lap it. The tavern owner´s screams make everyone staring at our table and there is an awkward silence. Everything is perfectly quite, since the tavern owner has fallen into unconciousness or, more probably died. In the quite crowd I see a well-known face: Aragorn. Aragorn is dressed in a subtle cape, covering a light chainmail and he is having a sword, probably Gondor made, in his hand. Suddenly there is a cold breeze running through the tavern. Small pieces of paper, confetti-like, start to fall from the
ceiling.

"May I suggest our delicious frog soup, sir?" I stare back at the tavern owner. He´s giving me a more-polite-than-friendly smile. I silently nod. "Yes, frog soup. That´ll do." As the tavern owner walks away I can hear Sam´s whisper: "frog soup is just soooo out. I bet Saruman isn´t feeding Uruk-hai with that kinda crap."

CKO1967 01-16-2003 10:14 AM

*BEGIN TRANSMISSION*

TO:F.Baggins
FROM:Arwen Everstar,CIA Deputy Station Chief,Rivendell

1/15/03
0200 hours

Have briefed Station Chief Grey and President Elrond re:Orc assassination conspiracy.Appropriate security measures being taken to safeguard president.

Ground assets being deployed in Rohan and Helm's Deep to deter invasion threat.Air support being mobilized.

Missing agents from your team have been located and rescue mission is underway to extract them from Mount Doom.Lorien Station Chief Galadriel will contact you at 0600 with co-ordinates for rendezvous with rescue team.

Upon your return,recommend you check Agent Smeagol into hospital for full psychiatric observation.

*END TRANSMISSION*

Richard Kirk 01-16-2003 10:34 AM

Auden & Swift done
 
Quote:

Originally posted by GoSensGo2
Wow. I haven't been to SDMB in about a year... and this thread is too much fun. Obviously, I've spent the last 90 mins reading these 27 pages instead of working on my Master's Treatise. All I have to say is that I haven't yet seen Jonathan Swift, Laurence Sterne, Daniel Defoe, or WH Auden, and I aim to rectify at least one of these four obvious omissions.
I think I have read the lot, but you tend to go numb if you read too much in one go. I think there have been a couple of WH Audens (there was definately a version of 'Night mail'), and there was a Jonathan Swift, I but the others haven't been done that I remember. I was thinking of a Peyps diary, or Dr. Johnson or maybe John Skelton, but I am waiting for inspiration.

GoSensGo2 01-16-2003 10:58 AM

Thanks... I must have missed the Swift somewhere in there. I'm surprised I missed it... do you remember what page it was on?

As for Auden, that's not the end of the world. What I really really want to do is Laurence Sterne anyway.
Time to go brush up on my 18th C lit!

wava 01-16-2003 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by GoSensGo2
What I really really want to do is Laurence Sterne anyway.
Time to go brush up on my 18th C lit! [/B]
OOO! A la Tristram Shandy?

Wumpus 01-16-2003 11:07 AM

Well, the Laurence Sterne version would start out promising to describe the War of the Ring, but quickly get sidetracked into a digression about hobbits, and how hobbits give mathoms on their birthdays, and where pipeweed comes from, and how the postal service works, and....

Oops, someone already did that one, at the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring.

Who knew Tolkien was such a big Sterne fan? :)

Richard Kirk 01-16-2003 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by GoSensGo2
Thanks... I must have missed the Swift somewhere in there. I'm surprised I missed it... do you remember what page it was on?

Can't remember. I think it was a Gulliver's travels take-off. There is a search engine but it doesn't seem to work always, so don't be surprised if a search for 'Swift' doesn't turn up anything. it didn't find a 'Dylan Thomas' but I am told there is another one in there somewhere.

Wumpus 01-16-2003 11:37 AM

Monty Python fans, there's now a whole separate thread for Python versions of LOTR:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...hreadid=104732

Lodestone 01-16-2003 11:49 AM

One of the many people who registered only to post on this most wodnerful of threads. I haven;t read it all yet, so I hope these two haven't been done yet, but I had to get 'em out've my head as soon as possible.

With apologies to Molesworth...

WHIZZ FOR RINGS

This is me e.g. frodo baggins the curse of the shirw which is the home i am at. It is utterly wet and weedy as i shall (i hope) make clear but of course that is the same as all MIDDLE EARTH.

e.g. it is nothing but rings, elfs, wizzards, my cosins pippin and merry and NAZGUL everywhere.

Sauron was always very ferce and keeps thousands of ORCS chiz moan drone. With these he hound and persecute all boys who are super like aragorn.

Sauron is always very proud of his tower and thiks he is the best in mordor in middle earth in space. he sa "Ah ahem to tell the truth the orcs are ahem ahem not er quite in fact just not the type we want." A fien thing to sa with urk hi around i must sa.

Anyway my grate frend PEASON and I hav invented the Molesworth-Peason Mark IV One Ring gosh whizz super. It is wizzo and can kill one hundred orcs in a minnit but it requires a computator and rectifying flanges an master gandalf says i must thro it into the firey pits of mount doom CHIZ CHIZ CHIZ.

Anyway i took my grate frend peason and my cosins pippin (chiz) and merry (chiz chiz) and we will bring doom to NAZGUL EVERYWHERE.

"Gosh," sa peason, "Thou art a fine ringbearer Molesworth." I think this is a girly thing to sa and hit him and he sa, "Thankyou molesworht for shoing me the right way would you like to play foopball?"

CHIZ CHIZ CHIZ foopball is a chiz moan drone.

ZORK OF THE RINGS

You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/north
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/south
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/south
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/east
You are in a maze of twisty mines, all alike
/if you say that one more time you can say goodbye to your face pal
I don't understand the word "if"
/me throw computer out of window

Gyrate 01-16-2003 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Kilt-wearin' man
I've tried to read the whole thread (27 pages! Damn!), and I hope this hasn't been covered yet...
Not here, but you might look in the Monty Python LOTR thread here.

-----------

FRODO'S DEEDS

WERE BOLD AND BRAVE

BUT WE GAVE HIM

A CLOSER SHAVE.


-- ROHAN SHAVE

Kilt-wearin' man 01-16-2003 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jr8
Not here, but you might look in the Monty Python LOTR thread here.

Been there, contributed to that (thanks though...). Contributed a couple to it before, but this one was a lot bigger and seemed more suited to this thread.

JamesPage 01-16-2003 12:47 PM

The Cold Twelve by James Ellroy.

Two Nazgul under a around the corner of the livery stable, snuffling like sensation-crazed power junkies as Sam and Frodo stepped over a drunk passed out in a peddle of his own spew and shouldered past a scary-eyed feeb into the tavern.

The Prancing Pony. Last call for a tall cold one, a needle full of hop, or a sloe-eyed slut west of the Misty Mountains. In one corner a trio worked a convincing version of Monk’s “’Round Midnight.” In another sat a man with tall, muddy boots. He wore a cape with a peaked cap. Two cold blue eyes and a pipe sparking beneath it.

Ah, young hobbits, said Butterbur. Butterbut was the proprietor. He’s done hard time at Folsom, story was in Bree and thereabouts. He did hits for what was left of the Angmar gang. He used a bellows to fill you full of beer then slit your belly open. I was excpecting you.

You were, Frodo said.

Yes. The fat ex-con slapped his pimple-scarred forehead. Don’t know why.

Don’t know?

Can’t remember, mean to say.

Rabbit turd, Sam muttered.

Frodo looked at the cloaked man again. The boots looked road-worn but well-maintained. The man snuffed out his pipe and waved the hobbits over.

Well well well, he said, prodding at the ash with a matchstick. Mr. Baggins.

Uh, no, Frodo said. .

Well well well, he said, prodding at the ash with a matchstick. Mr. Baggins.

Uh, no, Frodo said. Underhill.

I’ve been told, the man said, jabbing with his pipestem, it’s Baggins.

Har har har, all hobbits look the same, Sam said, looking around. That’s one of them jokes never wears on you, ain’t it, Mr. Frodo?

alexfiles 01-16-2003 01:02 PM

Lord Isildur's Bane
 
Some requested Stephen Donaldson, so here goes (best I can do from memory). Picture Sauron speaking to the King of the Nazgul:

Over his silence, the voice continued, "Isildur was a fool -- fey, anile, and gutless. They are all fools. Look you, ringbearer. The mighty High Lord Isildur, son of Elendil and great-grandson of Beren Elf-Spouse whom I hate, stood where you now kneel, and he thought to destroy me. He discovered my designs, recognized some measure of my true stature -- though the Numenoreans had set me on their right side in the Council for long years without sensing their peril -- saw at the last who I was. Then there was war between us, war that blasted Middle Earth and threatened Gondor itself. The feller fist was mine and he knew it. When his armies faltered and his power waned, he sheared off my finger with the Ring, but became mine in thrall to it. He thought that he might use that power. Therefore he drowned in the river from which Smeagol's friend drew the ring...


"Say to the Council of Elrond, and to High Lord Elrond son of Earendil, that the uttermost limit of their span of days upon Middle Earth is seven times seven years from this present time. Before the end of those days are numbered, I will have the command of life and death in my hand. And as a token that what I say is the one word of truth, tell them this: Frodo Baggins, Halfing of the Shire, has the One Ring, and it is a cause for terror..."

adent2003 01-16-2003 02:03 PM

A new film by Martin Scoscese...

The Don of the Rings: The Good Fellas of the Ring.

Excerpt:

Glimli: You think I'm funny? Tell me. Why am I so G--damn funny?

****************************************************Frodo: It's hard to adjust after watching Gandalf get whacked by the Balrog...

Coil 01-16-2003 02:20 PM

I just wanted to mention that this thread (and the Straight Dope site) was featured in Dagens Nyheter (Sweden´s biggest newspaper). It is on the first page of the culture section of the newspaper.

The article (in swedish) can also be found online here .

The head line is Tolkien rewritten - How would the LOTR-trilogy be if written by Mark Twain or Mickey Spillane

Among the best (according to the article) are
Quote:

Bland höjdpunkterna återfinns bland annat en omnomatopoetisk version i "Irvine Welshs" tappning, två försök att väva samman Tolkiens saga med Chuck Palahniuks "Fight club" (den ena stulen från boken, den andra från filmen), en rolig drogversion signerad "Hunter S Thompson" och en lika välskriven som intelligent vanställning av P L Travers "Mary Poppins".
I wonder if the journalist is an active Doper?

DrFrasierCrane 01-16-2003 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by amy_attorney
LOTR as told by John Cusack....
BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh, I could just hear him telling this story! Priceless!

theCircleCop 01-16-2003 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hello Again
If it was written by Robert Jordan it would be 10 books long.
Plus, the Ents would be introduced in the second book, Gandalf would be with them the whole time, and he would teach them about Balrogs, Sauron, etc. on the journey. There would be a prophet who would say that "Evil shall be destroyed by it's servant", and "The trees will fight". You would have everything from the point of view of Saruman, Sauron, Gollum, and the Ents.

alexfiles 01-16-2003 03:13 PM

thanks, Duncan!
 
for Duncan, re: "Witchking of Angmar"
Volume 987 in the Tale of the Eternal Champion
by Michael Moorcock

Omigosh that took me *back!* I used to go through Eternal Champion books like candy in the late 70's/early 80's; I think my fave was Elric. You did an excellent job! The Strangelove was also hilarious.

Probably gave my age away, but so be it. Thanks for the laugh!

KathleenTheCritic 01-16-2003 04:15 PM

We’re getting linked to from SWEDEN??? Hello from the American Midwest!!! (waves madly)

Jr8’s from England, so I was surprised to see a Burma Shave sign from you! (Sorry, jr8—I can’t pull up your profile so I don’t know if you’re a he or a she.)

I think a lot of folks here are too young to know about Burma Shave signs (and I'm relatively sure that people from Sweden don't know about them.) They’re a lost part of American culture. The Burma Shave company advertised its product (shaving cream in a tube) along American roadsides for nearly 40 years, starting in 1926. In the days before high-speed expressways, motorists traveled along at a blistering 40 miles per hour on country roads. The Burma Shave company erected advertisements in the form of short poems, with each line of the poem on a long, narrow blue sign with white lettering. The first line would appear, then a few seconds later you’d drive past the next line, and so on. The last line usually mentioned Burma Shave. For the most part, the Burma Shave signs had something to do with the product, or shaving in general, although that wasn't always the case. There were 7,000 of these signs all over America until 1963, when the company stopped producing and maintaining them.

Here’s an example of a real Burma Shave sign:

IF YOU
DON'T KNOW
WHOSE SIGNS
THESE ARE
YOU CAN'T HAVE
DRIVEN VERY FAR
Burma-Shave

Here are my humble LOTR contributions. I’m sure I’ll have more…

That Ranger’s face
Looks stern and grave
He’d smile more
With Burma Shave

Our profits soon
Would look so sweet
If Hobbits chose
To shave their feet
Burma Shave

You will see
A Hobbit thin
As seldom as
A Wizard’s chin
Burma Shave

A two-faced man
Is Tirith’s lord…
He’s shaving with
A two-edged sword
Burma Shave

Respectfully submitted,
KathleenTheCritic

Gyrate 01-16-2003 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KathleenTheCritic
Jr8’s from England, so I was surprised to see a Burma Shave sign from you! (Sorry, jr8—I can’t pull up your profile so I don’t know if you’re a he or a she.)
Vital statistics: male, American expat, and too young to have actually seen any real Burma Shave signs. Just so's ya know.

-------------

A Journal of the Ring War, by Daniel Defoe

It was about 1418 that I, among the rest of my neighbours, heard in ordinary discourse that the One Ring had appeared again in Middle Earth; for there had been great violence, and particularly in Moria and the environs of Mordor. Some say it was found in Gondor, others from the Lone Mountain, among some treasures from a dragon's hoard which were brought to the Shire by a travelling Hobbit; others said it was brought from Isengard; others from Mirkwood. It mattered not from whence it came; but all agreed it was come into Middle Earth again.

We had no such thing as printed newspapers in those days to spread rumours and reports of things, and to improve them by the invention of Men and Halflings, as I have lived to see practised since. But such things as these were gathered from the songs of minstrels and others who corresponded abroad, and from them was handed about by word of mouth only; so things did not spread over the whole countryside , as they do now. But it seems that the Wizards and the Elves had a true account of it, and several councils were held about ways to destroy it; but all was kept very private. Hence it was that this rumour died off again, and people began to forget it as a thing we were very little concerned in, and that we hoped was not true; till the latter end of the year when two Black Riders, said to be Nazguls, appeared in the Shire...

CKO1967 01-16-2003 04:58 PM

*BEGIN TRANSMISSION*

To:Gandalf T. Grey,CIA Station Chief,Rivendell
From:L.Greenleaf

1/16/03
1020 hours

Operation Fellowship complete.Rescue team has evacuated Agents Brandybuck and Took to Landing Zone Grey Haven.Agent Baggins and his team will arrive in Hobbiton no later than 1500.

Regret to tell you Agent Smeagol attacked Agent Baggins during final extraction from Mordor.Agent Baggins was forced to terminate with extreme prejudice.

Will submit final report on Operation Fellowship in 48 hours.

*END TRANSMISSION*

MMercurius 01-16-2003 05:19 PM

We interrupt these messages...
 
Quoting KathleenTheCritic
Quote:


That Ranger’s face
Looks stern and grave
He’d smile more
With Burma Shave

KathleenTheCritic, the Burma Shaves were perfect, as was the high-tech product launch.

Like me, you have been an active poster to this thread - I was delighted to discover it too (from /. of course).

Thanks for the compliments on the Bumper Stickers of the Ring, I also got a good rap for the 'sysadmin' version - like you, I think Business Writing is ripe for parody in all its forms!

And now back to our normal transmission...

hlafdige 01-16-2003 05:25 PM

hobbit mysticism anyone?
 
Wow! you guys are brilliant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The third showing in which it was shown the glorious brightness of the king's face and the hideous dryness of Sauron's likeness and a thing like to a little ring whereby is understood that all shall be well and all shall be well.

And in the first shewing, to my humble understanding I looked up and said, blissed Lord show me what all this means, and I understood with my ghostly sight and not with my bodily sight a light like a shining of the very sun on water in the summer and the light was bright and glad and filled me with everlasting gladness and around the great light were flying many other lights all flying here and there. And I said blissed Lord what meanst this? And he said to my ghostly understanding, this is the coming of the King to Gondor and the light is the shining of his coming and the water is the everlasting livelyness of his coming, by which I understood that he comes to give life and not to take it. And in my second seeing I saw a hideous fire that burned and an eye in the midst of this hideous fire and the eye waxed ever dry and dry and blinked not in the midst of the fire and coming to the fire I saw a little thing, like to a ring of gold and no bigger than the littlest ring that might go on a child's hand. And I quaked with fear and said blissed Lord is this not the coming of the King to Gondor? And he said to mine ghostly understanding and not to my bodily ears, Nay child this is not the coming of the King to Gondor, but by this you must understand the eye of Sauron that waxes drier and drier and in which there is no life, but fear not my darling for all you and your even-hobbits will not fall into the fire but the fire has consumed itself and the power which it made for itself. And all this I was told for the comfort of all my even-hobbits.
-from the Showings of Primula of Longbottom (with my apologies to Julian of Norwhich.)

hlafdige 01-16-2003 05:25 PM

hobbit mysticism anyone?
 
Wow! you guys are brilliant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The third showing in which it was shown the glorious brightness of the king's face and the hideous dryness of Sauron's likeness and a thing like to a little ring whereby is understood that all shall be well and all shall be well.

And in the first shewing, to my humble understanding I looked up and said, blissed Lord show me what all this means, and I understood with my ghostly sight and not with my bodily sight a light like a shining of the very sun on water in the summer and the light was bright and glad and filled me with everlasting gladness and around the great light were flying many other lights all flying here and there. And I said blissed Lord what meanst this? And he said to my ghostly understanding, this is the coming of the King to Gondor and the light is the shining of his coming and the water is the everlasting livelyness of his coming, by which I understood that he comes to give life and not to take it. And in my second seeing I saw a hideous fire that burned and an eye in the midst of this hideous fire and the eye waxed ever dry and dry and blinked not in the midst of the fire and coming to the fire I saw a little thing, like to a ring of gold and no bigger than the littlest ring that might go on a child's hand. And I quaked with fear and said blissed Lord is this not the coming of the King to Gondor? And he said to mine ghostly understanding and not to my bodily ears, Nay child this is not the coming of the King to Gondor, but by this you must understand the eye of Sauron that waxes drier and drier and in which there is no life, but fear not my darling for all you and your even-hobbits will not fall into the fire but the fire has consumed itself and the power which it made for itself. And all this I was told for the comfort of all my even-hobbits.
-from the Showings of Primula of Longbottom (with my apologies to Julian of Norwhich.)

hlafdige 01-16-2003 05:28 PM

oops, sorry for the double post.

mocroidh 01-16-2003 05:39 PM

LotR a la Tammy Wynette (I don't THINK this has been done yet...)

Stand By Your Sam

Sometimes it's hard to be a hobbit,
Giving all your strength to just one ring.
You'll have bad times,
And it'll have good times,
Doing things that you don't understand.
But if you want to finish your quest,
Even though you can hardly stand,
You must rely on, though you he spies on,
'Cause after all, he's just your Sam.

Stand by your Sam,
He'll give two arms to cling to,
He'll even bear your ring when you
Are hurt by spiders and orcs.
Stand by your Sam,
And show the world you love him,
Keep giving all the love you can,
Stand by your Sam!

You must, of course, imagine the twangy guitars in the background. Can anyone else think of some more classic country parodies?

MMercurius 01-16-2003 05:57 PM

More limericks of the Ring
 
There once was a hobbit named Frodo,
A wizard warned: "Out on the road-o,
If you're hit by Black Riders
Get help quick from Strider
Or you'll wind up as dead as a dodo!"

There once was a stout dwarf named Gimli
Whose courage was utterly legendary;
"When my axe is at work,
I slay Trolls and Orcs,
And the Uruk-Hai I will treat similarly."

There once was a Wizard named Gandalf,
Who's death had been quite widely heard of
He said: "It's tough you know,
I had to let go,
Or the fiend would've taken my hand off!"

There once was an Elf Queen, Galadriel,
Who was tempted to try on a little jewel;
"If I put on the Ring,
I'll be a terrible Queen
And you'll be sorry my dear, mark my words you will."

There once was a ranger named Aragorn
Who for an Elf Princess was love-lorn.
"If I can't have Arwen
My heart will be starvin'
It would be better if I never had been born."

mocroidh 01-16-2003 05:58 PM

Some classic R n' B, anyone?

"(Mordor) We'll Take you There"
Oh, we knows a place,
Ain't no Master crying,
Ain't no hobbits worried,
Ain't no Yellow Facessss,
Nasssty Yellow Facessss!
Help you, Smeagol will help you help you now,
Help you, we'll take you there.
Help you, we'll take you there.
Mordor, we'll take you there.
Oh, let Smeagol take you there!


"Mercy, Mercy Me (The Trilogy)"
Whoa, oh mercy, mercy me,
Oh, things ain't what they used to be,
No, no, where did all the blue skies go?
Poison is the wind that blows from Mordor in the East.
Whoa, oh mercy, mercy me,
Oh, things ain't what they used to be,
No, no, uruk-hai run over all the lands you see,
Orcs full of enmity.
Whoa, oh mercy, mercy me,
Oh, things ain't what they used to be,
No, no, balrogs underground and crebain fly,
Men and dwarves who live nearby are dying.
Whoa, oh mercy, mercy me,
Oh, things ain't what they used to be, no.
What about this Middle Earth, my friend,
How much more of this from Sauron can she stand?


"I'll Put It On"
I've been really trying, baby,
Trying to bear this ring for so long,
And if you felt the way I feel, baby,
You'd know, oh, you'd know...
I'll put it on,
Oh, I'll put it on,
I'll put it on, precious,
I'll put it on...
...There's nothing wrong with me claiming you,
And wearing the One Ring can never be wrong
If my heart is true...


"Sam By Me"
When the Eye has come,
And the land is stark,
And Mount Doom is the
Only thing I see.
I won't be afraid,
No, I won't be afraid,
Just as long as I've got Sam by me.
Oh darling, darling Sam by me,
Oh Sam, by me,
Oh Sam, Sam by me, Sam by me...

jarid 01-16-2003 06:12 PM

Brilliant all brilliant, particlularly Bogart as Frodo. I'd love to see Orson Wells directing "Citizen Frodo" and the attempt to find out the meaning of "the precious."

Jux 01-16-2003 06:14 PM

Wow. First off, I don't belong here. *looks about guiltily* Ah well.
The Ayn Rand post deserves credit.

I hope this hasn't been done (et alium cliches)

Vonnegut:

Tom sang as he walked. This would have struck the hobbits as odd, save that no one else was doing anything but singing and walking. Out of context, even the yellow boots seemed fairly sane.

A few miles, the willow tree was forgotten. As most things are, on a quest. Quests do not treat memories kindly. They are things of the future, quests. Even the present had begun to fade. Everything except the ring, the ring, Frodo knew. He knew his fellows as well, but it was not the same thing. They he could only visualize going somewhere, doing something, projecting themselves into the future. The ring was always now.

Frodo never tried to think of himself. One might imagine he was scared.

______

I would write more, but I don't think we want to see that *ducks out*

Don't Hurt Me!

-- Jux

WolfDaddy 01-16-2003 06:50 PM

27 pages and no one's done something like this poor attempt of mine (and while I didn't jine up due to this thread, it's what's going to keep me sticking around you fine folks):

"It was the end of the Third Age of Middle Earth, fifty (okay, 77 for you purists) years after the Battle of Five Armies. The Fellowship project was a nightmare given form, a quest where humans and hobbits could work out their differences loquaciously. It was a dangerous quest, they were all alone in their flight. The year is 3018. The name of the place is Barad-dur Five"

--Baradur 5, by J. Michael Straczynski


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