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Old 04-23-2017, 12:47 PM
Spice Weasel Spice Weasel is offline
Knocking it up a notch. BAM!
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 16,869
Sr. Weasel and I had an argument the other day, and as we talked things through, we came to the insight that the things we often found most vexing about one another were also the traits we were most attracted to in one another. For instance, he loved my sensitivity and emotional openness, but in the daily grind that means living with someone with frequent mood swings who is easily hurt. And I loved his predictability and consistency, but in the end, that means dealing with the fact that he is really fucking stubborn and risk-averse and slow at everything.

So your husband's slovenliness is probably a direct result of the fact that he is so laid back and unperturbable, a thing you seem to appreciate about him. Maybe it helps to consider that this thing that makes him such a fundamental part of who he is, that you love about him, comes with some necessary drawbacks that are worth the price.

At this point in my marriage, whenever I come across something that annoys me, I ask myself, ''Is this worth disturbing our equilibrium at this moment in time?" and the answer is almost always ''No.'' In a majority of cases, it's not worth the headache. He leaves his dishes in the sink, so what, I have to do another 30 seconds of dishes. If I get wrapped up in the idea of feeling unappreciated or whatever and attach all this deeper meaning to it, sure, it's upsetting. But if I just think, ''Well it's really only 30 more seconds of dishes,'' then it's only upsetting in that moment and I can move on.

Another thing: If you do think it's worth nagging, don't nag in the moment, when you're upset about it. Wait until you're both in a good mood and say, ''I don't want you to feel attacked, but I've noticed a consistent pattern of you leaving the dishes in the sink, and as I work so hard to keep the kitchen clean, it's really frustrating.'' This is a lot less likely to result in high conflict than, ''Damn it, how many times have I told you...?" etc.

ETA: elbows, brilliant.

Last edited by Spice Weasel; 04-23-2017 at 12:49 PM.