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Old 04-23-2017, 01:19 PM
HoneyBadgerDC HoneyBadgerDC is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Torrance Ca
Posts: 7,495
Originally Posted by Spice Weasel View Post
Sr. Weasel and I had an argument the other day, and as we talked things through, we came to the insight that the things we often found most vexing about one another were also the traits we were most attracted to in one another. For instance, he loved my sensitivity and emotional openness, but in the daily grind that means living with someone with frequent mood swings who is easily hurt. And I loved his predictability and consistency, but in the end, that means dealing with the fact that he is really fucking stubborn and risk-averse and slow at everything.

So your husband's slovenliness is probably a direct result of the fact that he is so laid back and unperturbable, a thing you seem to appreciate about him. Maybe it helps to consider that this thing that makes him such a fundamental part of who he is, that you love about him, comes with some necessary drawbacks that are worth the price.

At this point in my marriage, whenever I come across something that annoys me, I ask myself, ''Is this worth disturbing our equilibrium at this moment in time?" and the answer is almost always ''No.'' In a majority of cases, it's not worth the headache. He leaves his dishes in the sink, so what, I have to do another 30 seconds of dishes. If I get wrapped up in the idea of feeling unappreciated or whatever and attach all this deeper meaning to it, sure, it's upsetting. But if I just think, ''Well it's really only 30 more seconds of dishes,'' then it's only upsetting in that moment and I can move on.

Another thing: If you do think it's worth nagging, don't nag in the moment, when you're upset about it. Wait until you're both in a good mood and say, ''I don't want you to feel attacked, but I've noticed a consistent pattern of you leaving the dishes in the sink, and as I work so hard to keep the kitchen clean, it's really frustrating.'' This is a lot less likely to result in high conflict than, ''Damn it, how many times have I told you...?" etc.

ETA: elbows, brilliant.
Great advice and it couldn't have come at a better time. I was sitting at my computer working on a writing project where I really didn't want distractions. She had a little bit too much to drink today and kept coming over with 5 second statements that would take her 10 minutes to relate. I was starting to boil inside. But then if I am honest with myself part of the attraction was her inhibited nature when she drinks. Double edged sword.