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Old 05-22-2019, 01:56 PM
foolsguinea is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2000
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Originally Posted by Machinaforce View Post
I wasn’t interested in heaven, or enlightenment, or whatever spiritual endgame. I just wanted to live life. But I can’t shake the sense that Buddhism is “correct” and anything I do besides it is “wrong”. Truthfully I don’t really care much about the teachings or what they claim, but the fear of living a lie or being wrong is so great that it keeps drawing me back to this stuff even though deep down I don’t want to. It’s like I’m hostage in my own body.
Originally Posted by kanicbird View Post
That sounds very much like a 'calling', it has it's purpose, though one can resist, but the resistance to a calling is what is living the lie.

I would suggest seeking different aspects of Buddhism, there are many variations and many aspects of it to explore. The parts you have already explored don't hold your attention. It may be just part of your own life which is trying to change.
It sounds to me like someone who was raised in a religion he finds unsatisfying and foolish but who has been conditioned to respond to it as 'truth.' Losing your religion hurts. It can hurt for years. But sometimes you don't have a choice. You feel that something's wrong because something is.

Certainly there are many strands of Buddhism. Maybe OP can get something out of a different strand. But if you find Theravada incomplete and disgusting, you're not wrong. You're just recognizing something that others (like your parents) aren't. And honestly, if it's causing this much anguish, getting away from Buddha altogether for a while might help.