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Old 09-11-2019, 07:02 PM
Manda JO is online now
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Join Date: Jul 1999
Posts: 11,436
Originally Posted by filmore View Post
No. I find that surprising.

Yes, I realize that. I don't know what to do about that. The risk is so much greater for women at this time.
Where? You seem to think that literally everywhere a woman goes is more dangerous for her than the most dangerous places in America are for a man. And woman after woman after woman has said that their experience with assault were NOT doing these things that "common sense" says are too dangerous.

I have daughters. When we sent them to college, my wife and I had "the talk" with them about being safe and my wife told them basically all the typical stuff about watching their drinks, not walking in dark areas, being cautious when alone with a boy, etc. I can't imagine not discussing these things with them before they left. What would you have recommended we do in that situation?
I would not tell a daughter not to walk after dark. I think the evidence is pretty overwhelming that the boy she knows who offers to walk her home is a far greater risk to her safety than anyone skulking in the shadows. Assaults and muggings are rare on campuses. Sexual assault is overwhelmingly from someone the victim already knows.

I would not tell a daughter to "be cautious when alone with a boy". I don't even know what that means, unless I am going to tell her to just never be alone with a boy--and that doesn't seem emotionally healthy. It's impossible to tell which of your friends and friends-of-friends are rapists and which ones are potentially the father of my grandchildren. I don't want her too scared to date, and I don't think anything short of literally never being alone with any boy, ever, will make her safer. If I tell her to "be cautious", she's not any safer, but she knows now that if anything does happen, she wasn't "safe enough".

I don't know what to think of the spiked drink issue. Because it's self-reported and hard to be sure what's really happening, I have no idea what the actual risks are. But I suppose a conversation about not taking drinks from strangers would be appropriate.

I would tell her not to drink more than 3-4 drinks when she's out, over the course of the evening. I would also tell a boy that, but I might emphasize it more with a girl. Drinking to the point where you can't react to what's going on around you is never safe.

Are your daughters now adults? If one of them said she was working late, would you tell her not to do that, if the parking lot will be dark? If one had to travel alone on business, would you tell her she should tell her boss that's not safe for her and someone else should go? If one of them was jogging in her sleepy suburb after dark, would you buy her a gym membership because it didn't feel safe to you? If one of them was moving and wanted to drive herself 6 or 8 hours away, would you insist she take someone with her?