View Single Post
Old 09-25-2010, 08:49 PM
Boyo Jim is offline
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 36,997
Originally Posted by Shagnasty View Post
Originally Posted by Boyo Jim View Post
So I learned not to have desires or goals. I am still in the process of unlearning that.
I have had one serious professional goal -- that is something goes wrong, no one will be able to point a finger at me and say I fucked it up. I've been totally successful in achieving that goal, and I've learned to be a detail person, and I work very very hard to make sure I've done everything right.

You did win an international competition for a worst first starting sentence in a novel though. That is pretty impressive and I mean that honestly. I have have pretty hard on you at times but I am a fan...
I got a little wasted one night, and wrote up about twenty entries, and forgot all about it until they contacted me. I can't honestly say winning that contest was achieving a goal, or a dream, or much of anything else.

I do take some pride in writing and communicating well. In fact I do a lot of things very well, and I have learned that I'm usually one of the brightest people in the room. And one of the most willing to speak up and say what I think -- I think of it as "blunt", but plenty of others think of it as "rude". Most often they just think I'm goofy, because I actually say a lot of the crazy thoughts that pass through my head, that other people are not willing to say. In some senses, I'm pretty fearless. In others, I'm a coward, particularly with women. I've gotten so tired of personal rejection that I just don't try anymore.

You might think that this self-awareness is a good thing, and generally speaking it is. But the bad part is that the more I learn about my capabilities, the more depressed I am about having pissed away so much for so long. And angry at my dad, who's long dead, and angry at myself for feeling rather paralyzed a lot.

I actually went to an anger management program once, and learned something I didn't expect. The other people in the group were literally speechless and trembling with anger, whereas I didn't have any trouble at all clearly expressing what pissed me off -- believe it or not, at that time it was not any of the stuff I'm talking about here . I felt lucky, because I wasn't nearly as hobbled as any of the other people.

And ambition -- I have have almost none, and I think that may be a learned thing, and I didn't learn. Or if it is inborn, I learned to suppress it.

Damn, I'm now finding that my whine switch is stuck in the ON position, so I better stop.

Last edited by Boyo Jim; 09-25-2010 at 08:52 PM.