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Old 11-16-2017, 11:13 PM
AI Proofreader AI Proofreader is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Denver, CO, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Broomstick View Post
There could be a lot of reasons a particular person isn't getting a second date. I think being transgender is somewhat like being disabled - a lot of folks are just not going to want to rub naughties with you no matter what. This may be exacerbated for some people post-transition if pre-transition they had little or not problem getting second dates. Transitioning to a preferred gender means your dating pool is going to shrink enormously. I'm sorry that's the case, but I would hope that that is made clear to people before they begin their physical transition, and it's yet another reason for competent psychological counseling.
Quoted for truth.

Much of this thread has centered around dating and or the first date. (And a few pages of confusion largely because of poor terminology - transwoman versus post-op transsexual. The former being any transgendered person whether pre-op, post-op, or not transitioning at all, who identifies as female but was born physically male, while the latter is very specific - someone who is transgendered, has transitioned, AND has had vaginoplasty.)

Anyway, while the first date / dating is a difficulty for transgendered people, what's even worse are the long term prospects.

In my opinion, there are 3 hurdles someone has to cross if they are dating from the very beginning / prior to their transition:

(In this example, a transwoman, but reverse terms and the same applies for transmen)
1) If you meet someone you really like while you are still presenting / dressing as your birth sex, for example at work:

If you are a straight trans woman: The man you are with is likely only attracted to men. Once you come out and begin living as a woman, the relationship is over.
If you are a lesbian trans woman: The woman you are with is likely only attracted to men. Once you come out and begin living as a woman, the relationship is over.

2) If you meet someone after you are already living as a woman, and they are content with your outward appearance not matching your anatomy - they may not be equally content with the idea of you completing your transition. Once you have the final surgery, if their preference is someone who *does* have a penis (or some time before, if it becomes nonfunctional at some point in the process), then the relationship is over.

3) Once your transition is complete, any relationship you have is going to reach a point where you disclose that you were raised as a member of the opposite sex. And finding out if the other person has a problem with that. If they do, the relationship is over.

I can understand why many who are transgendered give up on relationships and dating. There aren't a whole lot of people who are: a) bisexual, if they're going to be with you through your entire transition, and b) accepting of transgendered persons. And you're competing against every other trans person to find that particular needle in a haystack.

On the topic of disclosure: If we're talking about meeting someone in the 1) stage, I did not disclose this, because it is not relevant to disclose during casual dating. However, I did find a rather important and necessary thing to share if things were becoming serious and there was a prospect of a long term relationship.

When you are in the 2) / transitioning phase: IMO pre-disclosure is not only none of their business, but as others have mentioned, dangerous. People get beaten and killed every year for casually revealing that information before they have learned if they can trust that person. And at the very least, they can ruin your career and family life with very little effort and sometimes without even intending to do so. I would say *any* time prior to becoming intimate with the other person is the right time, if that person feels that it is - and the wrong time if they don't.

3) / Post transition: I'm not there yet, but I would say that at that point, it falls back into the "none of your business" category. If you have some hangup about it, that's really your problem. If we're going to have a long term relationship, of course I'll disclose my past because that's part of a serious relationship, and I will of course be introducing you to my family and friends who knew me before the transition.
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Last edited by AI Proofreader; 11-16-2017 at 11:18 PM. Reason: typos