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Old 08-19-2019, 04:05 AM
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Alternatives to buying Greenland


In his zealous drive to enrich America, President Trump wants to buy Greenland, but inexplicably, the Danes are against the idea. The Danes don't seem to know a good deal when it stares them in the face. Bummer. To quench the presidential appetite for real estate, I propose, for his kind consideration, the following alternatives:

1) Buy all of Afghanistan. Then no need to strike a deal with the wily Pakis for troop withdrawal. It will also crush Pakistan's quest for "strategic depth". And checkmate China. And Russia. And the Taliban.

2) Buy Held Scotland or Occupied Wales. Steer clear of Londonistan.

3) Buy Pakistan-occupied Balochistan. Filled with elements like gold and copper. Numerous mines in the area. Going for cheap due to the low-brow neighborhood. Again we get to whip Iran and Pakistan in one shot.

4) Buy out little Israel. We get top technology, a great war machinery, and get to keep the slimy ME sheikhs on a tight leash.

Further suggestions are welcome. Note that the mighty superpower can also buy pieces of the ocean all around the world. I suppose America's top real estate agent would know how to price water bodies. Question is, who do you pay?
  #2  
Old 08-19-2019, 04:12 AM
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Better yet, let him do a time share down in Antarctica.
  #3  
Old 08-19-2019, 04:15 AM
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Now, hear me out, it's going to sound weird at first, okay?

Buy Mexico. Then you can build as many walls as you want, and technically, Mexico will partially be paying for them.
  #4  
Old 08-19-2019, 04:32 AM
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Why stick to boring old Earth? You want to show off, annex Mars!
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:43 AM
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Buy Catalonia, but only those administrative districts (ajuntaments or districtes) which voted for Catexit in the 1-O referendum. Since it is in the US's best interests to ensure that there will not be Hispanic contamination, y'all handle the necessary arrangements regarding roads, walls, bridges, highways, gasoducts et al. It is the most Anglo-philic corner of Spain and possibly of Continental Europe, a very strong economy, and has very good Universities including several which already offer most of their coursework in English.

Last edited by Nava; 08-19-2019 at 04:45 AM.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:51 AM
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OP's point 2 misses a trick. There's a slightly used Northern Ireland.....
  #7  
Old 08-19-2019, 04:57 AM
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OP's point 2 misses a trick. There's a slightly used Northern Ireland.....
El Presidente would be happy to consider that. You don't have too many Hispanics down there, do you?
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Old 08-19-2019, 05:01 AM
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Nah, all those computer programmers are mostly in the Republic of Ireland and anyway they don't count as Hispanohablantes (Spanish-speakers, the origin of the word Hispanic). They barely speak and when they do speak it tends to be in pseudocode.
  #9  
Old 08-19-2019, 05:14 AM
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Pick up another 99 year lease on Hong Kong, but this time with automatic renewal. It will take a nuclear war to force the issue, but why not? We weren't doing anything with them anyway.
  #10  
Old 08-19-2019, 05:54 AM
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Mongolia. 1.56 million square kilometres and only 3 million people. Plus it would annoy the Hell out of both China and Russia.
  #11  
Old 08-19-2019, 05:56 AM
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I dunno - he seems to have this thing about Norway...
  #12  
Old 08-19-2019, 06:05 AM
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Cayman Islands. Then immediately make it the 51st state. Piss the hell outta PR.
  #13  
Old 08-19-2019, 06:29 AM
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Buy Catalonia, but only those administrative districts (ajuntaments or districtes) which voted for Catexit in the 1-O referendum. Since it is in the US's best interests to ensure that there will not be Hispanic contamination, y'all handle the necessary arrangements regarding roads, walls, bridges, highways, gasoducts et al. It is the most Anglo-philic corner of Spain and possibly of Continental Europe, a very strong economy, and has very good Universities including several which already offer most of their coursework in English.
This might be the most doable suggestion yet, if Comrade Putin pulls a few strings with the separatists whom I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's backed, since it happens more often than not.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Nava View Post
Buy Catalonia, but only those administrative districts (ajuntaments or districtes) which voted for Catexit in the 1-O referendum. Since it is in the US's best interests to ensure that there will not be Hispanic contamination, y'all handle the necessary arrangements regarding roads, walls, bridges, highways, gasoducts et al. It is the most Anglo-philic corner of Spain and possibly of Continental Europe, a very strong economy, and has very good Universities including several which already offer most of their coursework in English.
Oh, I don't think they want any of this mess, believe me.
  #15  
Old 08-19-2019, 06:55 AM
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You guys are all thinking too small.
The best proposal is to Buy Jupiter, which then gets you an even better price for the rings of Saturn.
  #16  
Old 08-19-2019, 06:58 AM
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Buy Greenwood. Replace The Star-Spangled Banner with God Bless the USA.

Last edited by Darren Garrison; 08-19-2019 at 06:59 AM.
  #17  
Old 08-19-2019, 07:06 AM
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This might be the most doable suggestion yet, if Comrade Putin pulls a few strings with the separatists whom I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's backed, since it happens more often than not.
Oh they absolutely have. I have recognized in the current mess many of the messages that I used to see in the Basque-speaking areas during the 1970s and '80s. The cake went to a May 1st poster ranting against the "Spanish oligarchy": uh, that's the Catalans, Mr. Russian Who Just Took An Old Poster And Changed The Logos. They clearly have had the toolbox defined for quite a while, and keep trying this tool and that tool, keeping those that appear to work and putting the others back into the box; no attempt at trying to figure out beforehand which ones will work.

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Oh, I don't think they want any of this mess, believe me.
Oh, I know they don't. But it would get me rid of my nastiest relatives "Sorry Mom, can't go visit your sister as I don't have the proper paperwork."
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Last edited by Nava; 08-19-2019 at 07:08 AM.
  #18  
Old 08-19-2019, 07:13 AM
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Re. splitting Catalonia into a political collage based on independentist/unionist results on 1-O, a referendum which wasn't even official and so many unionists simply refrained from voting: just trying to draw the map would be an enormous headache. I had a job in Cerdanyola at the time 1-O was announced: the University there leans heavily Catalanist and flats were cheap because "the students don't want to live here, they've moved to other towns nearby where the people are Catalan," the actual population of the town is seen as "not Catalan" by the xenophobic elements because their parents or grandparents were born someplace else (usually in Southern Spain). You'd end up with areas which are actually unionist but the 3 people who voted were separatist, you'd have areas where a temporary-ish population (such as students) would change the %s... calling it a bloody mess doesn't do it honor.
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Old 08-19-2019, 07:48 AM
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Better yet, let him do a time share down in Antarctica.
I think this is the best option. All you have to do is to tell him that under the current treaties no country has give up their claims, that the US has reserved the right to make claims in the future and that tiny Norway has laid claim to about a sixth and Australia and New Zealand together almost half. Should get his blood pressure off, and leave plenty of room for meaningless interruption of the diplomatic status quo.
  #20  
Old 08-19-2019, 08:32 AM
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Britain!

I bet the'd be open to discussions.
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Old 08-19-2019, 09:28 AM
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I saw the subject line, "Alternatives to buying Greenland", and I immediately thought of rent-to-own.
  #22  
Old 08-19-2019, 09:50 AM
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Britain!

I bet the'd be open to discussions.
Seems easy. You just need Parliament to agree, and it's done.
  #23  
Old 08-19-2019, 11:17 AM
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Canada! It would show them what all that nice-nice nonsense gets them in the end, and we get to more than double our size. Fuck yeah!
  #24  
Old 08-19-2019, 11:38 AM
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Now, hear me out, it's going to sound weird at first, okay?

Buy Mexico. Then you can build as many walls as you want, and technically, Mexico will partially be paying for them.
Don't stop at Mexico. Buy all the way down to Panama. Much shorter wall!
  #25  
Old 08-19-2019, 12:01 PM
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Why stick to boring old Earth? You want to show off, annex Mars!
I strongly suspect the current drive to land on the Moon has something to do with a real estate deal. The Mother of all real estate deals.
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:55 PM
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Why not annex a good big chunk of the ocean floor, dub it "Atlantis," and give it statehood?
  #27  
Old 08-19-2019, 10:29 PM
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Re: Alternatives to buying Greenland


Buy Blueland and Yellowland and stir them together real good.
  #28  
Old 08-19-2019, 10:35 PM
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Britain!

I bet the'd be open to discussions.
Wait a year after a no-deal Brexit and could probably pick it up for ten cents on the dollar!
  #29  
Old 08-19-2019, 11:37 PM
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I keep hoping that the reason he's spent so much energy on North Korea is that he thinks he can start a "yuge" development there when he leaves office. And that he'll finish his term, go there and then not be allowed to leave.

Another plan might be to send him a brochure on Sentinel Island, and tell him we have arranged an exclusive tour. . .
  #30  
Old 08-20-2019, 12:12 AM
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Kim may be able to get him to take a lease on this beauty, easily, just hand him over some simulations of how it would look with YUGE letters spelling Ttump on each side. Getting him to actually pay for the lease would be a different problem, but whatever.
  #31  
Old 08-20-2019, 02:11 AM
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Buy Blueland and Yellowland and stir them together real good.
Sweden?
  #32  
Old 08-20-2019, 02:38 AM
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Don't stop at Mexico. Buy all the way down to Panama. Much shorter wall!
Now we're cooking!
  #33  
Old 08-20-2019, 02:58 AM
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So, he buys Greenland, and then finds out it is all a big block of ice, so he looks a his advisors, and they look at each other, and one of them says, “I heard of this place called ‘The Land of Fire’. That might fix this problem. We should buy that!
  #34  
Old 08-20-2019, 10:43 AM
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What about a trade? Greenland for Florida and Texas? We get a beautiful island rich in resources, with room to counter Russia and Chinaís moves in the Arctic; while the Greenlanders get to experience humidity, Sansabelt pants, bigass belt buckles, and rum-based cocktails for the first time. (We wonít tell them about the sparrow-sized mosquitos.) We also get rid of Ted Cruz, Louie Gomert, and Marco Rubio. Win-win!
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Old 08-20-2019, 10:43 AM
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1) Buy all of Afghanistan. Then no need to strike a deal with the wily Pakis for troop withdrawal.
Moderating: I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt because you are most likely using the term for effect and not out of malicious intent so Iím not giving you a warning. Do not use hate speech terms to spice up your posts.
  #36  
Old 08-21-2019, 07:48 AM
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How about where the locals would be willing part of a sale: Taiwan. China might get irked, though.
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Old 08-21-2019, 08:43 AM
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Why not a reality show where each week we get to reject a country to buy after real Americans text in their votes? Countries could compete with military parades, culture, attractive citizenry, etc. At the end we buy the country that wins and it becomes our 51st state.

Think of the ratings!
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Old 08-21-2019, 09:30 AM
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Being a real-estate tycoon means buying and selling. Let’s trade Detroit to Canada for a case of Labatt Blue. Hear me out here:
- the adjustment is simple: just a slight adjustment to a line on the map. And BOOM! - no more mid-bridge or mid-tunnel border nonsense.
- Canada gets a class-1 city, and with it an NFL team (arguably, anyway), an NBA team and the remnants of a Major League team
- Detroiters get Canadian health care, and Canadian citizenship and with it, a brand new reputation
- The US gets rid of detroit, AND a case of beer!
Who doesn’t win in this scenario? I’ll draw up the papers.

Last edited by Isosleepy; 08-21-2019 at 09:32 AM.
  #39  
Old 08-21-2019, 09:44 AM
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I think we need to buy Freedonia. Hey, if we're to have a clown running the show, at least we can have some funny ones...
  #40  
Old 08-21-2019, 11:05 AM
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I think we need to buy Freedonia. Hey, if we're to have a clown running the show, at least we can have some funny ones...
The Duchy of Grand Fenwick?
  #41  
Old 08-21-2019, 11:12 AM
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Buy Blueland and Yellowland and stir them together real good.
You owe me a new keyboard.
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  #42  
Old 08-21-2019, 02:49 PM
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Canada! It would show them what all that nice-nice nonsense gets them in the end, and we get to more than double our size. Fuck yeah!
What US companies donít already own is mostly in the hands of other foreign investors, so you could probably do a share swap or stock option deal pretty easily.
  #43  
Old 08-21-2019, 02:49 PM
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Moderating: I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt because you are most likely using the term for effect and not out of malicious intent so I’m not giving you a warning. Do not use hate speech terms to spice up your posts.
Speaking as a Londoner with a very nice Muslim family living next to me. I'd appreciate the same for 'Londonistan', which i'm sure many dopers are unfamiliar with. But is a term reserved for rascist nutjobs who don't like the ethnic mix of my city being used either.

Last edited by DeptfordX; 08-21-2019 at 02:50 PM.
  #44  
Old 08-21-2019, 03:19 PM
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Clipperton Island from the French.

Bonus points for Trump: Mexico had claimed it and lost in arbitration.

And there's no need to be concerned about it only averaging 2m in elevation since global warming is a hoax.
  #45  
Old 08-21-2019, 03:49 PM
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Y'all all misunderheard the man. He said "We should buy Green Stamps!". They can be had cheaply enough and one day, when Sperry & Hutchinson brings back the redemption centers we'll all be rich! Rich, I say!

Last edited by Doctor Jackson; 08-21-2019 at 03:49 PM.
  #46  
Old 08-21-2019, 04:06 PM
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Not all of Canada, just Texas North, aka Alberta.
  #47  
Old 08-21-2019, 04:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Biotop View Post
Why not a reality show where each week we get to reject a country to buy after real Americans text in their votes? Countries could compete with military parades, culture, attractive citizenry, etc. At the end we buy the country that wins and it becomes our 51st state.

Think of the ratings!
You're assuming other countries would be queueing up to be bought. This might be a rather short series.
  #48  
Old 08-21-2019, 05:13 PM
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Speaking as a Londoner with a very nice Muslim family living next to me. I'd appreciate the same for 'Londonistan', which i'm sure many dopers are unfamiliar with. But is a term reserved for rascist nutjobs who don't like the ethnic mix of my city being used either.
OT, but in the interest of fighting ignorance: Londonistan is not a "racist nutjob" term referring to the growing population of Muslims in London, and neither is it about the "ethnic mix" of London. It refers to the growing population of Muslim extremists in London tolerated by the UK government. The word has had a fairly wide mainstream use/acceptance. No more from me on this, though.
  #49  
Old 08-21-2019, 05:41 PM
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OT, but in the interest of fighting ignorance: Londonistan is not a "racist nutjob" term referring to the growing population of Muslims in London
In the interest of fighting ignorance: Yes it is.

Last edited by DeptfordX; 08-21-2019 at 05:42 PM.
  #50  
Old 08-21-2019, 05:51 PM
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I was surprised to learn Mandala correct at least according to Wikipedia and at least as regards the origin of the term. I had only ever heard it from racist nut jobs.
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