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  #201  
Old 07-12-2018, 07:30 PM
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...huffing toluene.

While in a solvent-induced stupor...
  #202  
Old 07-12-2018, 10:45 PM
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I started posting in this thread, and now look where it's got me!

My sister's birthday is today, but ____________
  #203  
Old 07-12-2018, 10:49 PM
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Of course she's not taking my calls. No gift from me.


So , next Christmas I expect_______.
  #204  
Old 07-13-2018, 12:00 AM
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... a lump of coal, and that's only if she's feeling generous.

The only good thing about family squabbles is ...
  #205  
Old 07-13-2018, 02:40 AM
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The only good thing about family squabbles is ...
... you save a lot of money of gifts.


Last night I dreamt ...
  #206  
Old 07-13-2018, 02:57 AM
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Of a Christmas in the great north. Got snowed in, starved and died. Oh well, it started out good.



In my winter wonderland things_______.
  #207  
Old 07-13-2018, 03:09 AM
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In my winter wonderland things_______.
60'F.


The whole universe was. . .
  #208  
Old 07-13-2018, 04:34 AM
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. . . filled with wonder.

Throwing caution to the wind, I ________________
  #209  
Old 07-13-2018, 05:02 AM
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Throwing caution to the wind, I ________________
jumped his bones. So the pharmacy was sold out of condoms? When am I going to be in Haiti again.


All your base. . .
  #210  
Old 07-13-2018, 05:31 AM
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Are belong to banks.

Reverse mortgaging all my base....
  #211  
Old 07-13-2018, 07:03 AM
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...are a good idea (and you trust Fonzie, don't you?).


It was the best of times......

Last edited by Cardigan; 07-13-2018 at 07:04 AM.
  #212  
Old 07-13-2018, 07:36 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is online now
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it was the wurst of times.

So I left the German sausage factory, thinking to myself, "Self, _______________________
  #213  
Old 07-13-2018, 01:22 PM
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... that's it. I'm going vegetarian.

So I headed for the supermarket's produce section, where ...
  #214  
Old 07-13-2018, 02:10 PM
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I found only bacon-flavored rutabagas and steak-flavored carrots.

Frustrated, I demanded to speak to the manager, and told her, "___________________________
  #215  
Old 07-13-2018, 02:18 PM
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ďItís my sisterís birthday today, and I need some nonmeat flavored zucchini, Brussels sprouts would work, too.Ē

She looked at me and replied...
  #216  
Old 07-13-2018, 06:22 PM
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She looked at me and replied...
..."You said Brussels sprouts. I want to have your baby."


"I'll bet you even know..."
  #217  
Old 07-13-2018, 08:31 PM
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..."You said Brussels sprouts. I want to have your baby."


"I'll bet you even know..."
"How on earth an ant breast feeds?"

"Recently actor Tom Arnold was arrested for..."
  #218  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:06 PM
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dancing poorly in a bowling alley.

You mentioned Brussels sprouts and it makes me feel so sexy I think we should...
  #219  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:13 PM
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Grow some. The future looks bright.


I put on my shades and went______.
  #220  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:15 PM
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to find a quiet corner of the produce aisle so you could ravish me there.

Whenever I find a couple really enjoying themselves in the produce aisle, I _____________

Last edited by Elendil's Heir; 07-13-2018 at 11:15 PM.
  #221  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:56 PM
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Do my best Chauncy Gardener impersonation, and intone, "I like to watch."

The truth is, if I want to watch something sexy, I look at ______
__________________
If I waited for memory to serve, I'd starve.
  #222  
Old 07-14-2018, 12:26 AM
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the Zoo. Cause, I am weird.


The Zebra had a problem_______.
  #223  
Old 07-14-2018, 12:31 AM
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...with differential equations.

The first step to solving difficulties eq's is...
  #224  
Old 07-14-2018, 12:44 AM
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...started painting ceramic skulls for Day of the Dead celebrations.

My creations were a little different in that....
  #225  
Old 07-14-2018, 01:01 AM
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... I chose to paint skulls as if it were Thanksgiving instead.

So I use paints that are ...
  #226  
Old 07-14-2018, 01:26 AM
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Invisible. I think they look prettier that way.



My artistically challenged grey cells____.
  #227  
Old 07-14-2018, 02:13 AM
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... demand that I use putty knives instead of paintbrushes.

Still, my attempts have been lauded by ...
  #228  
Old 07-14-2018, 04:09 AM
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...the ghost of Roger Ebert.

He rates the afterlife....
  #229  
Old 07-14-2018, 06:09 AM
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. . . two thumbs up.


He's creating a screenplay in the afterlife called __________________
  #230  
Old 07-14-2018, 07:04 AM
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He's creating a screenplay in the afterlife called __________________
Bury Me with Thumbs Up.


It takes two to. . .
  #231  
Old 07-14-2018, 08:03 AM
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. . . carry a piano to another place.


It takes three to ____________________
  #232  
Old 07-14-2018, 08:16 AM
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make a jazz trio.

Smooth jazz is completely pointless unless....
  #233  
Old 07-14-2018, 09:04 AM
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...you're trying to go to sleep.


While in Slumberland, be sure to...
  #234  
Old 07-14-2018, 04:57 PM
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While in Slumberland, be sure to...
Look for Nobody.

I need two messengers because__________
  #235  
Old 07-14-2018, 06:12 PM
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the first one canít multitask.

Iím great at multitasking because I can...
  #236  
Old 07-14-2018, 07:44 PM
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Iím great at multitasking because I can...
...fingerspell D-O-G on one hand, and C-A-T on the other, at the same time.


This is where the party ends. . .
  #237  
Old 07-15-2018, 01:34 AM
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…it ends with tongue kissing the host.

I am not the host but I will accept…
  #238  
Old 07-15-2018, 02:05 AM
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...a crack rock and a reach around.


Some people like the crack cocaine ...
  #239  
Old 07-15-2018, 02:07 AM
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I am not the host but I will acceptÖ
...payment for anything you broke.


To make a long story. . .
  #240  
Old 07-15-2018, 02:09 AM
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Some people like the crack cocaine ...
some people like cracked lobster. Go figure.


To make a long story. . .
  #241  
Old 07-15-2018, 02:19 AM
Spoons Spoons is offline
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..., I simply make it up as I talk for three or four hours.

Writing it down would ...
  #242  
Old 07-15-2018, 02:40 AM
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An exercise in humility.


When I feel humble I am______.
  #243  
Old 07-15-2018, 07:12 AM
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just confused about how awesome I really am.

I need to mow the yard, but....
  #244  
Old 07-15-2018, 08:27 AM
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I need to mow the yard, but....
My neighbor keeps calling the cops on me for cutting his grass.

Ahhh, a beautiful sunday, the perfect time to...

Last edited by Ambivalid; 07-15-2018 at 08:28 AM.
  #245  
Old 07-15-2018, 09:31 AM
Heffalump and Roo Heffalump and Roo is offline
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. . . take a nap in a hammock in the sun.


What I'll do instead is ___________________
  #246  
Old 07-15-2018, 03:26 PM
Spoons Spoons is offline
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... play some golf, since I don't have a hammock.

The golf course should be in good shape, since ...
  #247  
Old 07-15-2018, 03:45 PM
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Only white people are allowed on the premises.

It's only fair to stuff yourself by cleaning your plate because there are people in poor countries who____.
  #248  
Old 07-15-2018, 06:44 PM
Patx2 Patx2 is offline
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would do the same.

I donít care for Sunday nights because...
  #249  
Old 07-15-2018, 09:34 PM
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... they just remind me that Monday is coming.

Thursday nights, however, are great because ...
  #250  
Old 07-15-2018, 10:15 PM
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... they just remind me that Monday is coming.

Thursday nights, however, are great because ...
That's the night we get our 15 minute phone call!

Unfortunately, being locked up in a mental ward means I don't have anybody to_____.
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