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Old 01-10-2019, 09:59 AM
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Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Occam's Razor Fail AKA When the True Explanation is Suspiciously Unlikely

One morning a couple of years ago, I realized that I was going to be late for work if I didn't hurry up. So, I finished breakfast, brushed my teeth, grabbed some clothes more or less at random and went out.

As soon as I stepped outside, I noticed that I was feeling a bit chilly down there. I looked down and, sure enough, in my haste I had put on that pair of jeans, the one whose zipper was broken and would slide open all the time. It was too late to run back home and I resigned myself to spend the whole day checking my fly every five minutes to make sure that I wasn't involuntarily flashing my colleagues.

I arrived at the metro station a couple of minutes later and touched my travelcard on the reader. The sliding doors didn't open. I touched it once more and I heard the dreaded "BZZZ" sound indicating that I had tried to use my card twice in a short time span and that I had to wait 10 minutes before I could try again. I didn't really have the time, so when I spotted a woman walking towards the gates, I stepped right behind her and took advantage of the fact that the doors were relatively slow to pass through before they closed. It's something that happens not infrequently, so she didn't look back as she had probably guessed what I was doing.

And it was very fortunate that she didn't because, as I allowed her to put some distance between us, I realized that my fly, which a few seconds ago was practically rubbing her derrière was wide open. I'm pretty sure that my 100% factual and sincere explanation wouldn't have been accepted easily.

I threw that pair of jeans in the garbage can that very evening.
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Mais je porte accroché au plus haut des entrailles
À la place où la foudre a frappé trop souvent
Un cœur où chaque mot a laissé son entaille
Et d’où ma vie s’égoutte au moindre mouvement
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Old 01-11-2019, 02:47 PM
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Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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So, have you ever found yourselves in a situation where a true and perfectly innocent explanation elicited a few sarcastic "Yeah... right !"
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Mais je porte accroché au plus haut des entrailles
À la place où la foudre a frappé trop souvent
Un cœur où chaque mot a laissé son entaille
Et d’où ma vie s’égoutte au moindre mouvement
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Old 01-11-2019, 02:54 PM
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In college, waiting outside a classroom for the teacher to arrive. I had a bag of Hershey's Kisses, and offered some to a couple other students waiting with me. One student had her back turned, and didn't see the offer, so I said, "Hey, <student>, how about a chocolate Kiss?"

Yeah, she was black. When she spun around and went, "Excuse me?!" I saw my life flash before my eyes.
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:07 PM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
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Is "chocolate kiss" slang for something?

Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.
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Old 01-12-2019, 09:53 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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The best line anyone ever gave me in my job as a store cashier was the man who asked in all innocence "Is it okay if I reach over and grab a pair of these double A's?"
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Old 01-12-2019, 08:43 PM
Dickerman Dickerman is offline
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In one office where I worked, the men's and women's restrooms were at the end of a short hallway, with the women's on the left and the mens on the right, far from the entrance to any office in the building. Each required a key to gain entrance. One day I dropped my key and accidentally kicked it under the door to the women's room. I really had to go, and fortunately a woman (who I didn't know) soon came along and I had to explain that I had accidentally kicked my key under the door that she was about to unlock. Could she please help me retrieve it? Talk about an awkward situation.

Last edited by Dickerman; 01-12-2019 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 01-12-2019, 08:54 PM
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FloatyGimpy FloatyGimpy is offline
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Many years ago, when my ex and I were just new co-workers, I was daydreaming and glazy-eyed gazing at nothing when, unbeknownst to me, he stopped in my field of vision. I heard a *cough* and broke out of my stupor to find that I'd been staring right at his crotch. He had also noticed this and said "see something you like?" followed by "wow, I don't think I've ever seen that shade of red".
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Old 01-12-2019, 11:11 PM
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ioioio ioioio is offline
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Long ago, cars had little extra windows in the front. I’m not sure what sophisticated big city people called the windows, but in the backwoods where I came from, they were called “fly windows” (because flies often came in through those windows).

After I moved to the big city to go to college, I was on a first date with a guy whom I liked a lot. The car was getting a little stuffy (no air conditioning), and I casually asked him, “Would you mind opening your fly?”

His response was a very strange startled look. I don’t think I’ve ever been so embarrassed in my life.
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Old 01-13-2019, 12:01 AM
Velocity Velocity is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malleus, Incus, Stapes! View Post
Is "chocolate kiss" slang for something?

Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.
I think in that context it just meant getting kissed by a black person.
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Old 01-13-2019, 04:03 AM
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Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas
The best line anyone ever gave me in my job as a store cashier was the man who asked in all innocence "Is it okay if I reach over and grab a pair of these double A's?"
For clarification : AA batteries ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickerman View Post
In one office where I worked, the men's and women's restrooms were at the end of a short hallway, with the women's on the left and the mens on the right, far from the entrance to any office in the building. Each required a key to gain entrance. One day I dropped my key and accidentally kicked it under the door to the women's room. I really had to go, and fortunately a woman (who I didn't know) soon came along and I had to explain that I had accidentally kicked my key under the door that she was about to unlock. Could she please help me retrieve it? Talk about an awkward situation.
And there I was thinking the woman would have found you peeping under the door trying to retrieve the keys... That would have been a perfect example of what I was talking about : a perfectly innocent but implausible-seeming explanation for a suspicious situation.
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Mais je porte accroché au plus haut des entrailles
À la place où la foudre a frappé trop souvent
Un cœur où chaque mot a laissé son entaille
Et d’où ma vie s’égoutte au moindre mouvement
  #11  
Old 01-14-2019, 09:11 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Yes, AA batteries. I had to stiffly my first response: Point to batteries and say "Yes," point to my chest and say "No."
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Old 01-14-2019, 03:36 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Back when I played golf, I used to call up the local municipal course to find out what their wait time was for starting a round.

On one vacation, I phoned a golf course where I'd never played, a woman answered and I asked "What's your wait?"

She indignantly said "EXCUSE ME???!?" and hung up.

I was dumbfounded for a few seconds until I realized what she thought I was asking.
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:27 PM
Eyebrows 0f Doom Eyebrows 0f Doom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickerman View Post
In one office where I worked, the men's and women's restrooms were at the end of a short hallway, with the women's on the left and the mens on the right, far from the entrance to any office in the building. Each required a key to gain entrance. One day I dropped my key and accidentally kicked it under the door to the women's room. I really had to go, and fortunately a woman (who I didn't know) soon came along and I had to explain that I had accidentally kicked my key under the door that she was about to unlock. Could she please help me retrieve it? Talk about an awkward situation.
Similar to this, I had been working at a charity event to raise money to fight AIDS. It was a midnight burlesque show that ended at 2am, and as we all left people at the door handed out condoms. I put one in my pocket, didn't even think about it, and when I got back to my apartment around 2:30am, I was walking down the hallway in the dark when the condom fell out of my pocket, perfectly bounced off my foot and slid underneath my roommate's locked door. My lesbian roommate. Cue extreme awkwardness.
  #14  
Old 01-14-2019, 09:10 PM
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RealityChuck RealityChuck is online now
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There was an old National Lampoon article about sex where everything was deliberately wrong. One was discussion performing oral sex on a woman by blowing in her vagina and have her fly around the room like a balloon.

I was reading it with my girlfriend and we were laughing about it. And, I pointed out that though ridiculous, trying it could, in some conditions, lead to air getting into her bloodstream and causing an embolism.

She nodded and said, "That's how my brother-in-law killed his dog."

I must have done a triple take.

She explained that the dog had to be euthanized and he did it by injecting an air bubble in its bloodstream.

I was glad for the explanation. The image that was in my head was just too bizarre.
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Old 01-15-2019, 01:18 AM
don't mind me don't mind me is online now
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When I was living in the dorm back at Pleistocene Tech, it was all the rage for guys to give their girlfriends bikini panties with the guy's initials embroidered on the front. A friend got some, but they didn't fit, plus she felt uncomfortable because it was a little early in their relationship. She gave them to me. Next time I was home, my mom walked into my room while I was in my underwear - yes, that underwear. "Who's SDM?" "Steve something, I forget."

Last edited by don't mind me; 01-15-2019 at 01:18 AM.
  #16  
Old 01-15-2019, 08:52 AM
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BwanaBob BwanaBob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Velocity View Post
I think in that context it just meant getting kissed by a black person.
I've heard that expression used for a rimjob too. Yikes.
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  #17  
Old 01-15-2019, 05:57 PM
mixdenny mixdenny is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Les Espaces Du Sommeil View Post
I resigned myself to spend the whole day checking my fly every five minutes to make sure that I wasn't involuntarily flashing my colleagues.
You call them your "colleagues"? I just call them my junk.

Dennis
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