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Old 10-21-2019, 02:27 PM
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Jehovah Goddamned Witnesses... Fuck 'Em In A Ventricle


Right in the goddamned heart. My mom passed away last week, and we just got back into town last night.

Lo and behold, what's in the mailbox? A letter from my hometown. From a PO box. From somebody I've never met named Danielle. From somebody who shouldn't know my address. Fuck you in the spleen, Danielle.

"I saw your mother listed in the obituaries. Here's a two-page handwritten screed about our bullshit religion. See also the enclosed pamphlets. Sorry about your mom."

I hope you get a goddamned blood transfusion.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:36 PM
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My condolences about your mom. It's a tough thing to go through.

As for the JWs, they're apparently as heartless and inconsiderate as they are stupid. They're fortunate I've never encountered them at my front door because I'm getting to the age where "being polite" is very low in my list of priorities.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:36 PM
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That happened to me after my mother died. Long handwritten letter, but I don't think JW. One of my great regrets in life was that I didn't have the time/money under the circumstances to go to the local bookstores and gather subscription cards from every type of rancid porn mag I could find and fill them out in her name, plus order (at my expense) some of those large porn-sample VHS bundles that the sold in the backs of magazines back then so that the old cunt would have been at the top of porn mailing lists for the rest of her life.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:38 PM
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Very sorry to hear about your mother. My condolences. I can understand checking the obituaries to find an apartment in Manhattan, checking the obituaries to try to suck grieving people into a cult is heinous.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:43 PM
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Condolences on your loss, GreysonCarlisle.

Burn in hell, Danielle.
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Old 10-21-2019, 02:47 PM
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Sorry to hear about your mom.


The JW's come by my house a few times a year. This time I said "I'm not interested" She asked "Not interested in learning from the Bible?" I said "Just not interested in general...."

It worked like a charm, though it probably helped that I looked like a grumpy hobo since I just got back from a camping trip where I slept no more than 2 hours and hadn't showered or shaved, or changed clothes.
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Old 10-21-2019, 03:32 PM
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We were far from the US when we got the email that my mother had died a few days before. If JW's sent a letter, it never reached our post office box.

JW's and all other religious proselytizers and believers have a problem: their deity is statistically most unlikely to be a valid god, given the myriads that humans invented. Kali is displeased. Loki is grumpy. Coyote farts nastily.

Every set of JWs at your door are JWs not yet devoured by Cthulhu. Give them cupcakes.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:04 PM
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I'm confused. Did MaCarlisle live out of town or was she just buried there? Was there an obit in your local paper? Are you the only GreysonCarlisle in your town? I get that Danielle could look up an address, but how did she know to look up your address?


I want to learn all about Satan worship just for when they come to the door I can invite them & & try to convert them.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:17 PM
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Sorry to hear about your mom.


The JW's come by my house a few times a year. This time I said "I'm not interested" She asked "Not interested in learning from the Bible?" I said "Just not interested in general...."

It worked like a charm, though it probably helped that I looked like a grumpy hobo since I just got back from a camping trip where I slept no more than 2 hours and hadn't showered or shaved, or changed clothes.
"Not interested"? Man, I need to give you some lessons! The more appropriate expression of lack of interest for these JW assholes is "Get the fuck off my property -- NOW!" while looking vaguely threatening and imbalanced. If it suits your fancy, a nice variant on that would be to abruptly switch moods, and with a wide-eyed glassy stare and broad smile, scream "Wait! I think maybe you should come in. Me and my brother would love to hear what you have to say. My brother, he ain't right in the head. Maybe Jehovah can save him." Then stepping out on the porch and grabbing at them. It helps in these circumstances to have a thin stream of drool emanating from one corner of the mouth. This is the kind of performance art that can keep JWs away for years.

Never had a chance to use the "Get the fuck off my property" line with JWs, though. Did use it once with a fake "government energy inspector" who needed to check out my gas furnace and water heater and was authorized to save me big bucks. He scuttled off in a hurry. I was just sorry I didn't call the police to have him arrested, but I wasn't sure there were sufficient grounds. These slimeballs operate in a gray area of deception that is not always technically criminal.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:43 PM
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I saw them coming up the walk, so I opened the door with a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew in my hand and said "Could we talk in the bathroom? I'm in the middle of Sissy's enema".
Apparently that was a no go.
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Old 10-21-2019, 04:52 PM
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I saw them coming up the walk, so I opened the door with a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew in my hand and said "Could we talk in the bathroom? I'm in the middle of Sissy's enema".
Apparently that was a no go.
That's hilarious.

And what happened to the OP was every bit as terrible as what happened to a woman I worked with in the 1980s who had a baby, and got letters from FOUR (!) different pro-life organizations wanting to thank her for choosing life for her baby - a baby she and her husband had tried to have for 5 years!
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Old 10-21-2019, 05:27 PM
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And what happened to the OP was every bit as terrible as what happened to a woman I worked with in the 1980s who had a baby, and got letters from FOUR (!) different pro-life organizations wanting to thank her for choosing life for her baby - a baby she and her husband had tried to have for 5 years!
It's offensive as all hell, but I wouldn't characterize the pro-life thing as "every bit as terrible" as the OP's story. Mainly because it's a happy occasion. For instance, intrusions like "gift packages" from vendors of baby products to try to get you hooked on their products (my wife got a bunch of those) are just part of the happy scene. I regarded it as, hey, look, free stuff! Intrusions like the "pro-life" propaganda are highly political and much more offensive, like, "congrats on your young son/daughter, glad you didn't murder the little tyke". Yes, it's pretty bad, and the fuckers sending this sort of shit should be prosecuted.

But intruding in a time of grief to explicitly promote your blithering superstitious nonsense is much beyond the pale and far worse than any of the preceding, in my opinion. It's even worse than those fuckers who sell baby products who get their wires crossed and send those wonderful gift packages to women who have lost their babies. It's happened often enough to get reported as a problem. But at least it's unintentional.
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Old 10-21-2019, 05:43 PM
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Thanks for the condolences and the shared outrage, everybody.

In the middle of typing this, my sister texted me--she got a similar letter.

I am so far beyond livid at these people. But I am loving the suggestions for how to deal with them in person!
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Old 10-21-2019, 06:09 PM
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I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone's friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren't Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It still pisses me off every time I think about it.

I don't believe we've ever even exchanged words before, GreysonCarlisle, but I'm sorry for your loss and furious on your behalf at the scum trying to take advantage of a grieving family.
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Old 10-21-2019, 06:14 PM
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Sorry to hear about your mom.


The JW's come by my house a few times a year. This time I said "I'm not interested" She asked "Not interested in learning from the Bible?" I said "Just not interested in general...."

It worked like a charm, though it probably helped that I looked like a grumpy hobo since I just got back from a camping trip where I slept no more than 2 hours and hadn't showered or shaved, or changed clothes.
I'll do you one better. Anytime I see someone approching my door and they make eye contact with me through a window I'll just yell "Nope" or "Not interested" through the window and keep walking. The majority of the time they actually do turn around and keep walking. If they catch me outside I'll normally cut them off and nicely, but sternly say "I'm not interested" and walk away.
Now, this is for salespeople, but I don't see why it wouldn't work with JW or LDS (which we get more of around here).
Honestly, I think most of these people, getting cut off in the middle of their first sentence or being yelled at through a window, are caught off guard and that's what gives me the opportunity to walk away. I'm usually halfway back to my house before they say 'but can't I tell you...'. No, you can't.

The way I see it, you're banging on my door in hopes that I'll give you money. I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you money, I don't owe you my time and I don't owe you any courtesy.
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Old 10-21-2019, 06:37 PM
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If they come to your door, you could always chase them away with a sword. It helps if you're a hairy big man operating on no sleep.

(NB: This is a direct link to one instance of Master Wang-Ka's classic post. He posted it several times, but this is the first I found.)

GreysonCarlisle, my condolences on your loss, and I share your rage at the shear effrontery and lack of compassion the JWs are displaying towards your family.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:26 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mom.

I read something the other day that was sort of a mindfuck--someone suggested that the reasons JW and LDS are sent around to prostyletze is NOT out of any hope of converting anyone, but to solidify a "us vs them" mentality--it reinforces the idea that they can't possibly ever integrate into mainstream society because mainstream society is fucking scary and hates them. Plus, on a deep level, spending hours and days as the embodiment of a religion really puts the seal on the brainwashing. This is why they are always in pairs and groups.

I am not trying to make excuses for the letter writer--it's appalling that anyone did that. But it's not a matter of one evil person. It's a cult.
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Old 10-21-2019, 07:39 PM
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For the door-to-door thumpers, especially the "Can I just share a reading from the Bible with you?" ones, I'm trying out a new trolling tactic: quoting Matthew 6:5 at them. "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward."

I've used it a couple of times now, but so far, the targets have only looked confused, rather than insulted. (Which doesn't speak well of their comprehension of biblical verses, but that's hardly surprising.)
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:02 PM
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Balance: Well, there is a difference between praying and proselytizing.
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Old 10-21-2019, 08:26 PM
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I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone's friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren't Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It still pisses me off every time I think about it.
Looking at the history of my old family church, it once had a pastor by the name of RL Hamby, the same name/initials as my great-grandfather. I knew that he had had a variety of jobs, but hadn't heard of pastoring. Luckily there was still one of his children alive at the time. She told me that no, it wasn't him, that that pastor was already gone by the time my family joined (early 1940s) and was widely hated by the congretion. She said that once at a funeral he preached that the guest of honor was a sinner and was now burning in Hell, and after the funeral one of the relatives kicked the preacher down the steps of the church.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:20 PM
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Balance: Well, there is a difference between praying and proselytizing.
My doorstep isn't exactly a street corner, either, but if they're going to stand there and read their fairy tales at me, I think it counts.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:40 PM
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I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone's friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren't Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It still pisses me off every time I think about it.
My (very) Catholic cousin married a (gasp) Methodist. The wedding was at her church.

The middle of the homily was an anti-abortion screed. The only part I remember was where he did a reverse time-machine kill Hitler thing, where some aborted kid was going to grow up to save 10,000 souls - and who was going to pay for those souls?

The sermon was fine-to-good on either side of the psychotic break. This was the late 70's, so before anti-abortion mania had spread much out of the Catholic church. Always wondered what the groom's family thought of that portion of the service.
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Old 10-21-2019, 10:49 PM
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For the door-to-door thumpers, especially the "Can I just share a reading from the Bible with you?" ones, I'm trying out a new trolling tactic: quoting Matthew 6:5 at them. "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward."

I've used it a couple of times now, but so far, the targets have only looked confused, rather than insulted. (Which doesn't speak well of their comprehension of biblical verses, but that's hardly surprising.)
You have to adapt it to them, using some of the same concepts as I previously articulated. For instance, you could claim you're quoting Deuteronomy 17:8-13, but mix it in with various mangled verses from elsewhere, citing it as follows:

"If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, being matters of controversy within thy gates, then get thee the fuck off my property NOW, for the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men".

You should do this while adopting a wild-eyed stare, drooling out of the corner of your mouth, and waving around an axe or an enormous kitchen knife. That should do it. If that doesn't work, proceed with the dialog in the second part of my script in post #9. You might also mention that you have Satan imprisoned in your basement.
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:07 PM
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I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone's friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren't Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It still pisses me off every time I think about it.

I don't believe we've ever even exchanged words before, GreysonCarlisle, but I'm sorry for your loss and furious on your behalf at the scum trying to take advantage of a grieving family.
There was a school shooting victim's funeral that was televised on CNN (probably a Columbine victim) where the pastor gave an altar call. My guess is that the pastor always did this at funerals, which IMNSHO is NEVER the time or place for something like that.

On a less drastic note, I recently found a card from the JWs under my windshield wiper. At some time between its application and my finding it, it had rained and the card stuck to the window, which meant I couldn't have read it anyway if I had wanted to. I put a wet paper towel over it for a few minutes, and it wiped away.

I definitely did a double take when I saw this story, even though the booklets distributed by his namesake did bash the JWs.

https://qconline.com/news/local/coal...f9960bd13.html
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Old 10-21-2019, 11:13 PM
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For the door-to-door thumpers, especially the "Can I just share a reading from the Bible with you?" ones, I'm trying out a new trolling tactic: quoting Matthew 6:5 at them. "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward."

I've used it a couple of times now, but so far, the targets have only looked confused, rather than insulted. (Which doesn't speak well of their comprehension of biblical verses, but that's hardly surprising.)
How about Ezekiel 23:20? (NSFW - don't say you haven't been warned!)

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage...20&version=NIV
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Old Yesterday, 01:39 AM
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Isn't there a Doper who was a life-long JW until he and his wife realized they were in a cult a few years ago and left, at a huge personal cost?

I've also heard that many JW congregations have sold their Kingdom Halls and moved to smaller buildings, or even just had their meetings in people's homes, and are saying that they are investing the money in Third World churches. This is not true; it's because the older members are dying off and the younger members are leaving in droves.
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Old Yesterday, 02:13 AM
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As a teen, my circle of friends included two brothers who'd leave the house dressed in their "JW uniforms", go to friend's homes and change into borrowed clothes. They'd change back before going home, of course. They got our of the JWs as soon as the youngest was old enough that they could leave at the same time without having legal troubles.



I once was asked by a JW on the street whether I was a Christian. I answered with a super-chirpy "oh yes! Christian, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman!" Her partner had to grab her...
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Old Yesterday, 05:21 AM
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How about Ezekiel 23:20? (NSFW - don't say you haven't been warned!)
Ezekiel even beats out Enoch on the weirdshitometer.
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Old Yesterday, 08:19 AM
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I once was asked by a JW on the street whether I was a Christian. I answered with a super-chirpy "oh yes! Christian, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman!" Her partner had to grab her...

Curiosity and the cat and all, but I don't know enough to really get this. I get Christian and Catholic are separate but what is Apostolic and Roman?

Inquiring minds and all, thanks.
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Old Yesterday, 09:40 AM
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Condolences on your loss, GreysonCarlisle.

Burn in hell, Danielle.
This post is why SD needs a LIKE function.

To hell with the JWs.
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Old Yesterday, 10:02 AM
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Curiosity and the cat and all, but I don't know enough to really get this. I get Christian and Catholic are separate but what is Apostolic and Roman?

Inquiring minds and all, thanks.
Not to put words in Nava's mouth, but since she and I are Roman Catholic I think I know what she's getting at.

Christian - Many Protestants and Protestant-adjacent sects (like JWs) don't consider Roman Catholics to be "real" Christians, so start off with that.
Catholic - In both the Nicene creed sense of Universal, and specifically indicating a member of a church that recognizes the primacy of the Pope (Latin-rite Catholics and the various Eastern rite churches.)
Apostolic - A member of a church that has preserved the line of priests/bishops back to the original Apostles, i.e., every priest and bishop has been ordained by someone who could theoretically trace a line of ordination back to the Twelve, and hence to Christ himself. Basically Catholic, Orthodox, the Oriental churches (e.g., Coptic, Armenian), and depending on who you ask Church of England/Episcopal.
Roman - Usually shorthand for Roman Catholic in the Latin Rite. Many churches use Catholic as part of their name, but Roman is pretty specific to this group.
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Old Yesterday, 11:08 AM
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JW's are considered a cult. They think that God is God, but Jesus is a god, but not THE God, because only Jehovah is THE God, but there's only one God, but Jesus is a god. Or something.

I had a female co-worker who was a JW. Her husband beat her so badly he put her in the hospital. The cult told her not to press charges and they would take care of it, as it was really her fault for being a "bad wife." I told her to leave the husband, the cult and to press charges. She did.
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Old Yesterday, 11:20 AM
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We had JW show up at our door 5-8 years ago. Our road is private, and there is a sign "PRIVATE ROAD NO TRESPASSING". I answered the door and immediately explained that they were trespassing and I was calling the cops. They skedaddled and haven't been back since.

That's the plus to living on a private road. Yearly upkeep and the lack of snowplowing are the minuses.
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Old Yesterday, 12:14 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss, GreysonCarlisle. And may Danielle acquire a really severe bleeding ulcer.

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Isn't there a Doper who was a life-long JW until he and his wife realized they were in a cult a few years ago and left, at a huge personal cost?
justanothermike. Here's his excellent ask a former Jehovah's witness thread, where he posts all the details.
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Old Yesterday, 12:35 PM
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Not to put words in Nava's mouth, but since she and I are Roman Catholic I think I know what she's getting at.

Christian - Many Protestants and Protestant-adjacent sects (like JWs) don't consider Roman Catholics to be "real" Christians, so start off with that.
Catholic - In both the Nicene creed sense of Universal, and specifically indicating a member of a church that recognizes the primacy of the Pope (Latin-rite Catholics and the various Eastern rite churches.)
Apostolic - A member of a church that has preserved the line of priests/bishops back to the original Apostles, i.e., every priest and bishop has been ordained by someone who could theoretically trace a line of ordination back to the Twelve, and hence to Christ himself. Basically Catholic, Orthodox, the Oriental churches (e.g., Coptic, Armenian), and depending on who you ask Church of England/Episcopal.
Roman - Usually shorthand for Roman Catholic in the Latin Rite. Many churches use Catholic as part of their name, but Roman is pretty specific to this group.
And the RCC itself is often described by itself in those terms (it's a frequent theme in sermons); well, the "christian" part gets ellided. Based on age, accent and location, the JW was raised RCC with a 99% probability, she was familiar with the phrase, but she now belongs to an organization which considers only its members "proper" followers of Christ. So it was one of those "oops, my finger in your eye booboo?" moments and it certainly did hit home. Very un-Christian of me, where's my "crying with laughter" emoji?
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Last edited by Nava; Yesterday at 12:37 PM.
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Old Yesterday, 02:51 PM
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Thank you both, John M and Nava. I am about as religious as a rock. I finally got tired of all solicitors at my door. They see my face at the window and I just turn around and walk away. The longest time standing waiting for me to open the door was about fifteen minutes.
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Old Yesterday, 04:50 PM
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My former FIL was a devout catholic who was well versed in all things churchy. He also had a lot of the church's literature in his home, which he stored for the local priest. Whenever one of these ass clowns would come to his door, he would invite them in and listen to their spiel. Then he would pull out a box of church literature and begin telling them all about HIS religion, including its history. If the visitor made noises about having to leave after a half hour of this, he would say something along the lines of "Well, I sat here politely while you told me all about your organization. It would seem that common courtesy would dictate that you hear about mine."
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Old Yesterday, 05:42 PM
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I'm really sorry to hear about your mom.

I read something the other day that was sort of a mindfuck--someone suggested that the reasons JW and LDS are sent around to prostyletze is NOT out of any hope of converting anyone, but to solidify a "us vs them" mentality--it reinforces the idea that they can't possibly ever integrate into mainstream society because mainstream society is fucking scary and hates them. Plus, on a deep level, spending hours and days as the embodiment of a religion really puts the seal on the brainwashing. This is why they are always in pairs and groups.

I am not trying to make excuses for the letter writer--it's appalling that anyone did that. But it's not a matter of one evil person. It's a cult.
I can't speak to the JW part, but I had hundreds of LDS students over the years. Most of the males went on a mission shortly after graduation, and I've kept in touch with some of them. The purpose of the mission is not to seal a sense of us/them. There's no need to instill an us/them mindset via a mission: LDS kids are raised with an us vs. "gentiles" mindset. They really do hope to convert people, though they don't expect to be very successful: I think the average is something like 3 converts per year per missionary. I do think part of the idea is to kind of brainwash them into staying with the faith, though, by forbidding internet, TV, telephone, radio, or movies and requiring most waking hours be spent proselytizing,

OP, sorry about your mom. Have you considered writing Danielle back and telling her what you think of her opportunism? Or would that merely encourage JW's to keep sending you crap?
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Old Yesterday, 07:53 PM
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My understanding (as an admitted outsider) is that the purpose of witnessing is not really to convert anyone to a new religion. It's seen as a duty a religious believer owes to God.

So when they show up at your door and annoy you, they're not really doing it for your sake. They're doing it for themselves; they want to impress God with how good a believer they are.
  #40  
Old Yesterday, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by nelliebly View Post
OP, sorry about your mom. Have you considered writing Danielle back and telling her what you think of her opportunism? Or would that merely encourage JW's to keep sending you crap?
Thanks. You can't reason with a true believer, so her letter is sitting in the bottom of the trashcan and it will go out with the rest of the garbage on Thursday. Guess I could put it in the recycle bin, instead....
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Old Yesterday, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
My understanding (as an admitted outsider) is that the purpose of witnessing is not really to convert anyone to a new religion. It's seen as a duty a religious believer owes to God.

So when they show up at your door and annoy you, they're not really doing it for your sake. They're doing it for themselves; they want to impress God with how good a believer they are.
That's the point of being some sort of Jesus (actually Paul) follower, to save one's self, not others. It's inherently greedy. Sort of like Lotto betting, hoping for a rigged game.
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Old Yesterday, 11:15 PM
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We had JW show up at our door 5-8 years ago.
Took you 3 years to get rid of them???

  #43  
Old Yesterday, 11:47 PM
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Took you 3 years to get rid of them???


The JW's still there and will depart in 2022. (5-8 = -3)
  #44  
Old Today, 11:29 AM
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I actually don't mind when "Christians" of any stripe come to my door. They knock, I answer, they introduce, I act a little surprised and welcoming and say, "Hey just a minute, I'll be right back." then shut the door as non-rudely as possible and go watch TV, mow the lawn, or whatever else that doesn't involve the front door. Keeps them out of my headspace, and every minute I keep them standing on my doorstep is another minute they don't have for spreading their bullshit around the neighborhood. Next time I'm gonna have them "wait just one minute", and then go drive my car out of the garage. If they look confused I will assure them I won't be but a second.

Last edited by Inigo Montoya; Today at 11:30 AM.
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