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  #1  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:26 AM
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What was the worst joke you ever heard in your life?


This is for the jokes that are so bad, that years, maybe even decades afterwards you remember them specifically for being just so bad/unfunny. The actual good jokes surrounding it have been forgotten but the unfunny one has just stuck with you. Either because they had a terribly delivered punchline, it made absolutely no sense, or just wasn't funny.

NOTE - Jokes that personally offended you or you found offensive due to your beliefs I don't count because I don't want this to be full of political jokes or people complaining about episodes of South Park or Family Guy that offended them. I'm looking for just terrible at every conceivable level.



The worst joke I ever heard was on a Disneyland Jungle Cruise. Now I understand the point of the cruise now is to intentionally make fun of how dated the ride is and I've been on boats with incredibly funny captains, this one day in the early 2000's I had one Captain who was trying so hard that every single joke fell flat. None of them made any sense, he was like a bad improv comic on his first ever day. The worst joke I got from him was he held his prop gun to his shoulder like he was standing at military attention and said "Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Pikachu!!!" The punchline made absolutely no sense in any context and to this day I still occasionally wonder what the hell it was about. If he was trying to insert a modern pop culture reference into the military listing he could have picked an actual organization instead of the name of a character in a show.
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:53 AM
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The worst joke I got from him was he held his prop gun to his shoulder like he was standing at military attention and said "Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Pikachu!!!" The punchline made absolutely no sense in any context and to this day I still occasionally wonder what the hell it was about. If he was trying to insert a modern pop culture reference into the military listing he could have picked an actual organization instead of the name of a character in a show.
It's absurd, and as such, amusing. I probably wouldn't have laughed but I probably would have smiled.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:07 AM
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My go-to joke when I deliberately want to tell a bad one:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!
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Old 04-30-2019, 12:17 PM
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Guy goes into a house of ill repute and asks to see the line up. Every girl he likes costs too much. This one charges $50, that one charges $60. He only has ten bucks. Shaking her head a bit the madam says, "Well. for ten dollars you can have Sandpaper Sally, but most guys don't like here".

So he heads off with Sally and as they try to do the deed he is getting nowhere. She is dry, tight and rough when he does get in. Sadly he gives up. "What minute", Sally says. She fumbles around under the covers for awhile and says, "Now try it".

Wow, what a difference. She is smooth and slippery as all get out and the guy can barely hold back. He finishes quickly and exclaims, "That was great! How did you do that?"

Sally Replies, "I just reached inside and broke open a few scabs and let the pus run out..."
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Old 04-30-2019, 12:50 PM
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What could possibly go wrong here?
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Old 04-30-2019, 12:51 PM
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I always felt that Asimov's Death Of A Foy failed on all levels.
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Old 04-30-2019, 12:52 PM
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What could possibly go wrong here?
Ooo, I know this one! Invisible Robot Fish!
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  #8  
Old 04-30-2019, 01:16 PM
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Not exactly a joke, but a pun. In the original American version of Astro Boy the mad scientist's son's name was Astrid Boynton.

Diagon Alley and Nocturne Alley are pretty bad too.
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Old 04-30-2019, 02:09 PM
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From a Laffy Taffy wrapper:

What kind of shampoo does Scooby Doo use?

SPOILER:
Scooby Doo shampoo.
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  #10  
Old 04-30-2019, 02:19 PM
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Diagon Alley and Nocturne Alley are pretty bad too.
Those are among the jokes that totally slipped past me when I first read the book, and only noticed when I was reading it aloud. This was also true for the Terry Pratchett characters, Rob Anybody (a Feegle of loose morals) and Miss Tick (a witch).
  #11  
Old 04-30-2019, 02:24 PM
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About a year ago, a friend of mine got a fortune in a fortune cookie that read verbatim: "Preserve wildlife. Throws more parties."

I think the joke was supposed to be that you should lead a wild life and throw a lot of parties. Somehow the grammar and syntax were horribly botched.
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Old 04-30-2019, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by mixdenny View Post
Guy goes into a house of ill repute and asks to see the line up. Every girl he likes costs too much. This one charges $50, that one charges $60. He only has ten bucks. Shaking her head a bit the madam says, "Well. for ten dollars you can have Sandpaper Sally, but most guys don't like here".

So he heads off with Sally and as they try to do the deed he is getting nowhere. She is dry, tight and rough when he does get in. Sadly he gives up. "What minute", Sally says. She fumbles around under the covers for awhile and says, "Now try it".

Wow, what a difference. She is smooth and slippery as all get out and the guy can barely hold back. He finishes quickly and exclaims, "That was great! How did you do that?"

Sally Replies, "I just reached inside and broke open a few scabs and let the pus run out..."
I just threw up in my mouth a little
  #13  
Old 04-30-2019, 02:54 PM
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Him: "Say 'knock-knock'.
Me: "Knock-knock!"
Him: "Who's there?"
Me:
  #14  
Old 04-30-2019, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
Him: "Say 'knock-knock'.
Me: "Knock-knock!"
Him: "Who's there?"
Me:
I love this joke. I usually do it as:

Me: "Hey, I got a great knock knock joke. You start!"

Someone: "Knock Knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Someone

Me:
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Old 04-30-2019, 03:51 PM
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From a Laffy Taffy wrapper:

What kind of shampoo does Scooby Doo use?

SPOILER:
Scooby Doo shampoo.
That reminds me of the bumper sticker:

"Don't use shampoo. Use Real Poo."
  #16  
Old 04-30-2019, 03:54 PM
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They have a drink and walk back out.
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Old 04-30-2019, 04:00 PM
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They have a drink and walk back out.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They all failed to limbo.
  #18  
Old 04-30-2019, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by ZonexandScout View Post
My go-to joke when I deliberately want to tell a bad one:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!
My 6-year-old brother managed to mangle that into "What's brown and smells like a bell?" He's 44 now and still hears about it.
  #19  
Old 04-30-2019, 04:19 PM
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What's the worst part about sex with 5yr old?

SPOILER:
getting the blood out of your clown suit


What's the best part about having sex with a 14 yr old in the shower?

SPOILER:
Slick her hair back and she looks 12


For the record, I'm 100% against pedophilia. These are the jokes I've remembered for years because of how bad they are.
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Old 04-30-2019, 04:32 PM
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My go-to joke when I deliberately want to tell a bad one:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

And the follow up: What's brown and sticky?

A stick!





Going for the bottom here, folks.
  #21  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:01 PM
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I always felt that Asimov's Death Of A Foy failed on all levels.
The first two lines make it a great feghoot. The second two don't work, since the depend on a made-up word (which is likely it appeared in F&SF and not Asimov's: George Scithers, who revived the form, was a stickler for form).
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:05 PM
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Nun in a blender.

(Raised Catholic)
  #23  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:07 PM
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What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen.

Last edited by Kent Clark; 04-30-2019 at 05:08 PM.
  #24  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:11 PM
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Asian girl with one leg?

Irene
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:31 PM
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water?

Bob
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:38 PM
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water?

Bob
Since you started it:
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs
on the doorstep? Matt
on a tree branch? Barry
in the leaves? Russel
on the wall? Art

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in the rapids? Flo
  #27  
Old 04-30-2019, 05:48 PM
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What do you call a guy with three eyes, two noses, four arms, and no ears?

SPOILER:
anything you like he can't hear you
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Old 04-30-2019, 05:49 PM
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The Aristocrats.
  #29  
Old 04-30-2019, 06:02 PM
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Those are among the jokes that totally slipped past me when I first read the book, and only noticed when I was reading it aloud. This was also true for the Terry Pratchett characters, Rob Anybody (a Feegle of loose morals) and Miss Tick (a witch).
I have been reading the Harry Potter books since approximately when the Goblet of Fire came out.

Diagon Alley I of course got immediately.

I just now, this instant, got Knockturn Alley upon reading furryman's post. Knockturn Alley. Nocturnally.

I am literally sitting here with my mouth hanging open. How abysmally stupid am I that I just now put this together? How did I not figure it out? I figured it was some kind of subtle play on words or allusion because most of her stuff is if you look hard enough, but never knew exactly what. Until now. Wow. Just WOW.

Last edited by chizzuk; 04-30-2019 at 06:02 PM.
  #30  
Old 04-30-2019, 06:54 PM
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Him: "Say 'knock-knock'.
Me: "Knock-knock!"
Him: "Who's there?"
Me:
I had a sweet little three-year-old girl do that to me. She didn't do it on purpose. I had been teaching her simple jokes, including knock-knocks, the last time we had met and she came running up, excited to start again. She was a little annoyed that I didn't have the rest of the joke, but was pleased when it busted up the whole room.

My favorite joke from the Jungle Cruise - And over by the waterfall you can see three toucans. You know what three toucans make, don't you? A six-pack.
  #31  
Old 04-30-2019, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by california jobcase View Post
Since you started it:
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs
on the doorstep? Matt
on a tree branch? Barry
in the leaves? Russel
on the wall? Art

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in the rapids? Flo
What do you call a baseball player with no arms or legs? Third base.
  #32  
Old 04-30-2019, 07:04 PM
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. They have a drink and walk back out.
A baby seal walks into a club.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:09 PM
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What do you call a baseball player with no arms or legs? Third base.
OK, I honestly don't get this one. Would you please explain?
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:10 PM
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He can't do anything besides lay there. So they use him as a base. Third, in this instance.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:11 PM
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Got it. Thanks.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:48 PM
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The way I heard it was:

Can Johnny come out to play?
You know Johnny has no arms or legs.
Yes, we know, but we need him for second base.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:41 PM
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Finally a chance to use this.
Two guys walk into a bar and pull up a stool. Bartender says to the first guy, what can a get you? He says he's feeling like a cocktail today and orders a White Russian. Comin' up. She gets the glass, puts in the vodka and the Kaluah, and she whips one of her tits out of her top and squirts it into the drink, drops a swizzler and sets it in front of him. How 'bout you, hun, she says. Looking sideways at the White Russian, he says, well I was gonna have a Bloody Mary, but I guess I'll just have a Bud Light.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:46 PM
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Can Johnny come out to play?
No, boys, you know he has leprosy and can't come out to play.
OK, can we come in and watch him rot?
  #39  
Old 04-30-2019, 09:04 PM
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Εὐριπίδης ?
Εὐμενίδες !
  #40  
Old 04-30-2019, 09:38 PM
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Why does a duck walk softly?

Because it can’t walk hardly.
  #41  
Old 04-30-2019, 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by california jobcase View Post
Since you started it:
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs
on the doorstep? Matt
on a tree branch? Barry
in the leaves? Russel
on the wall? Art

What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in the rapids? Flo
What do you call two guys that hang in your window?

SPOILER:
Kurt n' Rod
  #42  
Old 04-30-2019, 10:29 PM
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These aren't bad jokes. They're awful, wince-inducing jokes, but not in the sense that I understood the OP to have intended — completely unfunny jokes.

I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That's 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It's not funny; that's the "joke", i.e., "hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it's not, ha ha ha!"

(In the version I was subjected to, the "punchline" was "That's not the shaggiest dog we've ever seen, so we'll give it 2nd prize")
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Old 04-30-2019, 10:43 PM
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completely unfunny jokes.
In that case, it's a tie between Andy Borowitz and P. J. O'Rourke.
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Old 04-30-2019, 11:45 PM
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what do you get when you cross a fag a hispanic a cokehead and a welfare recipient?

A snowblower that refuses to work

Why cant most lesbians cook?

They eat out too oftwn

and i read this on a website in the late 90s :

A guy and girl are banging away in bed and then the guy decides he wants to try anal ...so he asks her about it

She replies: No way! that's disgusting immoral and perverted

He's irritated now so he says: disgusting immoral and perverted? arent those big words for a 12-year-old?
  #45  
Old 04-30-2019, 11:55 PM
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
SPOILER:
Being raped.
  #46  
Old 05-01-2019, 12:19 AM
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These aren't bad jokes. They're awful, wince-inducing jokes, but not in the sense that I understood the OP to have intended — completely unfunny jokes.

I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That's 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It's not funny; that's the "joke", i.e., "hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it's not, ha ha ha!"

(In the version I was subjected to, the "punchline" was "That's not the shaggiest dog we've ever seen, so we'll give it 2nd prize")
Worked with a guy, Gary, who took an entire lunch hour to tell a story. I wasn't there, but the boss was, and often recalls it.

Ten minutes in (which is ages in story-telling time), everyone has figured out that the story wasn't true; Funny-Guy Gary was just setting up an elaborate joke. Twenty minutes go by, and only the boss had realized that Clever Gary had been making the whole thing up as he went.

For the rest of the story, boss had to try to keep a straight face. Which Gary was somehow doing effortlessly. Boss finally had to excuse himself and leave the office to crack up. So he never heard the ending, but it did NOT contain a punchline or any sort of payoff. Coworkers still remember that lunch hour with angry betrayal, and a chuckle.

Last edited by digs; 05-01-2019 at 12:20 AM.
  #47  
Old 05-01-2019, 12:28 AM
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And the follow up: What's brown and sticky?

A stick!





Going for the bottom here, folks.
What's a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.
  #48  
Old 05-01-2019, 12:49 AM
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What do you call a cow with no legs?


SPOILER:
Ground beef.



What do you call a cow with two legs?


SPOILER:
Lean ground.
  #49  
Old 05-01-2019, 01:17 PM
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The Brady Bunch joke.

Something about an architect that designs a building with no doors. How do you get in? Run around and around and around until you're in. Don't remember it exactly, and refuse to look it up.

Didn't get it 40 years ago, still don't get it. Maybe that was the point. Not supposed to be funny.

Last edited by Gatopescado; 05-01-2019 at 01:17 PM. Reason: Forgot the most important word!
  #50  
Old 05-01-2019, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by AHunter3 View Post
I was one of many simultaneous victims of someone who thought it would be entertaining to tell the original classic shaggy dog story. That's 45 minutes of my life I still want back. It's not funny; that's the "joke", i.e., "hey, I had you hanging on every word for the better part of an hour thinking this was going to be a great joke, and it's not, ha ha ha!"
When a joke hits a certain length, it's not the joke that's funny, it's the delivery. (The Aristocrats!) My son once told a 10-minute joke that was literally nothing but an opening line, a lame punchline, and whale sounds, and it had me in tears.

Granted, for a 45-minute joke, there would have to be one hell of a delivery to keep it going.
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