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  #5201  
Old 05-06-2016, 01:25 PM
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Look! It's Bicycle Repair Man! But... how?
  #5202  
Old 05-06-2016, 01:41 PM
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It's spelled Raymond Luxury-Yacht, but it's pronounced Throat-Warbler Mangrove.
  #5203  
Old 05-06-2016, 02:08 PM
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Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!
  #5204  
Old 05-06-2016, 08:48 PM
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Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again I'll kick her teeth in.
  #5205  
Old 05-06-2016, 11:10 PM
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It's not a palindrome. Bolton spelt backwards is "Notlob."
  #5206  
Old 05-06-2016, 11:15 PM
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Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader

A-one, two, a-one two three four


Half a bee, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?

But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee
When half the bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury?
-singing

La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.

Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!

Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
Eric the half a bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.

I love this hive, employee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.

He loves him carnally,
Semi-carnally.

The End

Cyril Connolly?

No, semi-carnally

Oh

Cyril Connoly
  #5207  
Old 05-07-2016, 01:06 PM
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Yes, she's very good.
  #5208  
Old 05-07-2016, 03:33 PM
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They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
  #5209  
Old 05-07-2016, 06:53 PM
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We are NOT ess-kee-moes!
  #5210  
Old 05-07-2016, 07:49 PM
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Rule 1: No poofters.
Rule 2: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the "Abos" in any way whatsoever—if there's anyone watching.
Rule 3: No poofters.
Rule 4 : I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out.
Rule 5: No poofters.
Rule 6: There is no rule six.
Rule 7: No poofters.
  #5211  
Old 05-07-2016, 08:23 PM
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Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. (to first man) Here, you, take this. (throws him a banana) Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend. First of all, you force him to drop the banana, next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.
  #5212  
Old 05-07-2016, 08:51 PM
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My doorbell rang at 1 am -
it gave me quite a fright.
My neighbour stood there on the step;
and would she stay the night?

"Oh, no," said she, with haughty frown,
"I haven't come for that!
"I'm leaving town at crack of dawn -
"I've come to get my hat."
  #5213  
Old 05-07-2016, 09:24 PM
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I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
  #5214  
Old 05-07-2016, 10:49 PM
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I want to be a lion-tamer.
  #5215  
Old 05-08-2016, 07:00 AM
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Wait for it... fetch out the funny things.
  #5216  
Old 05-08-2016, 10:00 AM
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And now here comes Vivian, to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating him, and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no Vivian's in front of him at the bar. Simon's got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and Simon's fallen backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he's under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one over, there we are, here's Nigel right at the head of the field, and now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they're blazing away there. They're not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are.
  #5217  
Old 05-08-2016, 10:13 AM
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Er, well my manager explained it to me. You see if you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.
  #5218  
Old 05-08-2016, 01:40 PM
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Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, etc. etc.
  #5219  
Old 05-08-2016, 06:51 PM
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We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?
  #5220  
Old 05-08-2016, 07:33 PM
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I like Black Rod.
  #5221  
Old 05-08-2016, 07:56 PM
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and it's

PRODUCED BY
IRVING C. SALTZBERG JNR.

AN IRVING C. SALTZBERG PRODUCTIONS LTD.
AND SALTZBERG ARTFILMS, OIL, REAL ESTATE,
BANKING AND PROSTITUTION INC.
CO-PRODUCTION

FROM AN ORIGINAL IDEA BY
IRVING C. SALTZBERG JNR.
  #5222  
Old 05-08-2016, 08:20 PM
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What's his problem?
His wife left him for a horse.
You must be joking!
That's what he said. But then the horse won the Grand National, and there was talk of a wedding.
But that's impossible!
That's what he said.
So what happened then?
The horse met a filly at Newmarket, and the wedding was off.
I still don't believe it!
That's what he said.
So what's he upset about?
His wife came back to him, but insisted on keeping a saddle in the bedroom
I wouldn't stand for that.
That's what he said.
And ...?
He left her for a greyhound.
What the ...?
That's what she said.
  #5223  
Old 05-08-2016, 11:07 PM
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It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
  #5224  
Old 05-09-2016, 12:11 AM
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He hasn't got shit all over him.
  #5225  
Old 05-09-2016, 07:02 AM
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Oh, you're no fun any more.
  #5226  
Old 05-09-2016, 10:08 AM
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Do you want to come upstairs?
  #5227  
Old 05-09-2016, 10:19 PM
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It was a day like any other, and Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Brainsample were a perfectly ordinary couple, leading perfectly ordinary lives: the sort of people to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened, and not the kind of people to be the center of one of the most astounding incidents in the history of mankind. So let's forget about them and follow instead the destiny of this man: Harold Potter, gardener and tax official, first victim of creatures from another planet.

Last edited by Knorf; 05-09-2016 at 10:20 PM.
  #5228  
Old 05-09-2016, 10:51 PM
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Understand?
Yes, sir!
Now, write that a hundred times.
Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar and everything, sir!

Last edited by Johnny Ace; 05-09-2016 at 10:52 PM.
  #5229  
Old 05-09-2016, 11:57 PM
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Oh go get a glass of water.
  #5230  
Old 05-10-2016, 03:58 AM
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How do you like my new poem: I wandered lonely as a cloud?
Oh, I've heard that before ... somewhere.
Of course you have. I'm a plagiarist.
What's a plagiarist?
Well, that depends.
On what?
On whether you're a velocipede or an enchantress.
What's the difference?
Well, the answer to that is contained in my latest deluxe volume of plagiarised poems.
How much is it?
Two hundred and fifty dollars.
It's quite expensive.
Not for a first edition.
Will you accept cash? I don't have a bankcard.
Oh, absolutely.
  #5231  
Old 05-10-2016, 06:46 AM
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This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenseless, fit young men.
  #5232  
Old 05-10-2016, 09:19 AM
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Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.
  #5233  
Old 05-10-2016, 01:37 PM
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It's only a model.

(Sssh)
  #5234  
Old 05-10-2016, 03:20 PM
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It's...
  #5235  
Old 05-10-2016, 09:21 PM
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Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.
  #5236  
Old 05-11-2016, 03:34 AM
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He said I was his dearest love;
he promised me a ring.
But now he's gone - a thief who stole
my heart and everything.

What a sad little tale.
Yes, but he gets his just deserts in the end.
Oh? What happens?
What's the worst thing you can think of?
His tongue is cut out.
Worse than that.
He's blinded - like Samson.
Worse than that.
He's castrated.
Worse than that.
Oh, this sounds like a lot of bullshit!
Now you're on the right track.
You don't mean ...?
Well, if you're thinking what I'm thinking, I probably do.
Oh, that's ...!
Quite.
  #5237  
Old 05-11-2016, 10:50 AM
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Hello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN BOLTON. So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name...of your lover in Bolton!
  #5238  
Old 05-11-2016, 07:54 PM
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I haven't had enough of the permissive society.
  #5239  
Old 05-12-2016, 09:09 AM
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Bit lumpy....Ah no wonder - I was sitting on the cat.

(fave alltime sketch, btw)
  #5240  
Old 05-12-2016, 02:27 PM
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...spam spam spam Spam spam spam spam Spam....
  #5241  
Old 05-12-2016, 08:45 PM
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Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in 'ere, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.
  #5242  
Old 05-15-2016, 05:12 PM
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This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
  #5243  
Old 05-17-2016, 08:29 PM
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You've heard of that man who mistook his wife for a hat?
Yes ... well, sort of.
We had a friend who mistook his wife for an overcoat, and it being a cold day, tried to put her on.
Good heavens! What happened?
The wife strenuously objected, and beat him up.
And ...?
The husband sued her for assault.
Go on ...
The judge said it was a sad case of misadventure, and awarded costs against the wife.
That hardly seems fair.
That's what the wife said. But she had the last word.
Yes ...?
She shot and killed the husband, and said she mistook him for a burglar. The coroner said it was a sad case of misadventure.

Last edited by Medici; 05-17-2016 at 08:30 PM.
  #5244  
Old 05-18-2016, 12:33 AM
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Look! The dead Prince!
  #5245  
Old 05-19-2016, 11:34 PM
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We all went down to the cathedral yesterday.
Oh, yes?
Yes, and when we got there they were wheeling out the cannon. Poor thing was in bad shape.
Drunk again?
What? No, it was a gun cannon.
Ah. Top man, eh?
What ...?
  #5246  
Old 05-21-2016, 04:26 PM
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I see that you have a cabbage.
  #5247  
Old 05-21-2016, 05:49 PM
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I see that you have a cabbage.

Last edited by Prof. Pepperwinkle; 05-21-2016 at 05:50 PM. Reason: Medici, where are you getting this wonderful stuff?
  #5248  
Old 05-21-2016, 09:11 PM
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I did ask you not to say 'mattress,' didn't I? Now I've got to stand in the tea chest.
  #5249  
Old 05-22-2016, 03:35 AM
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Hello, Prof. Pepperwinkle.

My posts are my own work, with occasional oblique references to other things that already exist. For instance, in the post referring to the battle of Balaklava, the last line: "... watching all the souls go by" was an obvious take on " ... watching all the girls go by"
in a published song.

I hope I'm not departing too far from the surrealistic intent of this thread, because my posts are not, I think, quite Pythonesque. But I do derive a great deal of pleasure in composing them - which I suppose is to the point of the exercise.

Anyway, thank you for your interest. I for one like having my work read - as G. K. Chesterton (I think) once said of his preferred obituary: "His sins were scarlet, but his books were read."

Regards, Medici.
  #5250  
Old 05-22-2016, 03:51 AM
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Yes, shrubberies are my trade; I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
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