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  #7201  
Old 03-26-2018, 02:02 PM
Elendil's Heir is online now
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No, no, sir, it's all right - we don't morally censor you, we just want the money.
  #7202  
Old 03-27-2018, 10:14 AM
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Now I'm really cheesed off. I mean it's not your high-brow bleeding plays that pull in the viewers, you know.
  #7203  
Old 03-28-2018, 09:33 AM
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Perhaps he was dictating.
  #7204  
Old 03-28-2018, 09:35 AM
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Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
  #7205  
Old 03-28-2018, 10:34 AM
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Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings? Forty-seven not out and the bird comes up and feed him some grapes!
  #7206  
Old 04-01-2018, 03:38 PM
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Your Highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark.
  #7207  
Old 04-01-2018, 03:44 PM
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Don't call me Señor! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles, or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never Señor.
  #7208  
Old 04-01-2018, 10:27 PM
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It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
  #7209  
Old 04-03-2018, 10:29 AM
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I don't know. Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
  #7210  
Old 04-03-2018, 12:41 PM
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No, no, he's not dead, he's... he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, innit, eh? Beautiful plumage!
  #7211  
Old 04-05-2018, 10:42 AM
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There shall, in that time, be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one...
  #7212  
Old 04-05-2018, 12:09 PM
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Oooo, I've had a bitch of a morning, luv!
  #7213  
Old 04-07-2018, 06:59 PM
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Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books.
  #7214  
Old 04-07-2018, 08:47 PM
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Every sperm is sacred.
  #7215  
Old 04-08-2018, 06:32 PM
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Not working fast enough? Well, there's an answer for that.
  #7216  
Old 04-09-2018, 07:24 AM
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Oh shit, it's Mr. Creosote!
  #7217  
Old 04-09-2018, 07:50 AM
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It's just that I get so sick of always having to be like the Cheap-Laughs.
  #7218  
Old 04-09-2018, 07:53 AM
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Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!!!
  #7219  
Old 04-09-2018, 09:37 PM
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He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions.
  #7220  
Old 04-13-2018, 03:52 PM
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It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.
  #7221  
Old 04-13-2018, 05:37 PM
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Splunge!
  #7222  
Old 04-15-2018, 05:45 PM
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Ooh ... why does anyone want to be a private dick? Fame, money, glamour, excitement, sex!
  #7223  
Old 04-15-2018, 05:49 PM
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I'm raising polecats for peace.
  #7224  
Old 04-15-2018, 11:50 PM
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There seems to be no end to McTeagle's poetic invention. 'My new cheque book hasn't arrived' was followed up by the brilliantly allegorical 'What's twenty quid to the bloody Midland Bank?' and more recently his prizewinning poem to the Arts Council: 'Can you lend me a thousand quid?'
  #7225  
Old 04-16-2018, 08:31 AM
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Thank you. I didn't want to seem a bit of an old fusspot just now you know, but it's just as easy to get these things right as they are easily found in the BALPA handbook. Oh, one other thing, in the Sherlock Holmes last week Tommy Cooper told a joke about a charter flight, omitting to point out that one must be a member of any organization that charters a plane for at least six months beforehand, before being able to take advantage of it. Did rather spoil the joke for me, I'm afraid. (phone ring) Yes, ah yes - yes. (puts phone down) My wife just reminded me that on a recent 'High Chapparal' Kathy Kirby was singing glibly about 'Fly me to the Stars' when of course there are no scheduled flights of this kind, or even chartered, available to the general public at the present moment, although of course, when they are BALPA will be in the vanguard. Or the Trident. Little joke for the chaps up at BALPA House. And one other small point. Why is it that these new lurex dancing tights go baggy at the knees after only a couple of evenings' fun? Bring back the old canvas ones I say. It is incredible, isn't it, that in these days when man can walk on the moon and work out the most complicated hire purchase agreements, I still get these terrible headaches. Well . .. I seem to have wandered a bit, but still, no harm done. Jolly good luck.
  #7226  
Old 04-16-2018, 08:32 AM
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No. 1. The Larch. The... Larch.
  #7227  
Old 04-17-2018, 07:47 AM
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My brain hurts.
  #7228  
Old 04-17-2018, 09:36 AM
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We are here today to witness the opening of a new box to replace the box which used to stand at the corner of Ulverston Road and Sandwood Crescent. Owing to the road-widening program carried out by the Borough Council, the Ulverston Road box was removed, leaving the wall box in Esher Road as the only box for the Ulverston Road area. This new box will enable the people of the Ulverston Road area to post letters, post-cards and small packages without recourse to the Esher Road box or to the box outside the post office at Turner's Parade which many people used to use, but which has now been discontinued owing to the opening of this box and also the re-organization of box distribution throughout the whole area, which comes into force with the opening of new boxes at the Wyatt Road Post Office in July.
  #7229  
Old 04-17-2018, 10:09 AM
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Ohhhhhh, the cat's eaten it.
  #7230  
Old 04-17-2018, 12:20 PM
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Oh, waiter? This conversation isn't very good.
  #7231  
Old 04-19-2018, 09:36 AM
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Shut up! This is a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Right, now my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
  #7232  
Old 04-19-2018, 10:49 PM
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Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a little talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand ... (long pause) ... sorry I can't think of anything.
  #7233  
Old 04-21-2018, 05:30 PM
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Well, no, you don't do that, but you do duck down and shout 'Hey! Balloons!' when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know. Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day? Don't I mean anything to you?
  #7234  
Old 04-21-2018, 07:13 PM
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Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
  #7235  
Old 04-21-2018, 09:37 PM
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All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
  #7236  
Old 04-22-2018, 02:42 PM
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Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.
  #7237  
Old 04-23-2018, 12:00 AM
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Albatross!
  #7238  
Old 04-23-2018, 07:57 AM
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Tonight's the night I shall be talking about of flu the subject of word association football. This is a technique out a living much used in the practice makes perfect of psychoanalysister and brother and one that has occupied piper the majority rule of my attention squad by the right number one two three four the last five years to the memory. It is quite remarkable baker charlie how much the miller's son this so-called while you were out word association immigrants' problems influences the manner from heaven in which we sleekit cowering timrous beasties all-American Speke, the famous explorer.
  #7239  
Old 04-23-2018, 12:00 PM
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Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Say no more!
  #7240  
Old 04-23-2018, 12:20 PM
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The Management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening as it eats into the profits.
  #7241  
Old 04-23-2018, 10:48 PM
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Can I call you 'Frank'? Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank. Now, Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...
  #7242  
Old 04-24-2018, 12:03 AM
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Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.
  #7243  
Old 04-24-2018, 12:29 AM
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I'm turning you all out! I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts. Now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out!
  #7244  
Old 04-24-2018, 09:06 AM
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No right, well gentlemen, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule one - no pooftahs. Rule two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule three - no pooftahs. Rule four - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule five - no pooftahs. Rule six - there is no rule six! Rule seven - no pooftahs. That concludes the reading of the rules, Bruce.
  #7245  
Old 04-24-2018, 11:50 AM
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Dear Sir, I am writing to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once.... arrgghhh
  #7246  
Old 04-24-2018, 01:21 PM
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Kiss me, Hardy!
  #7247  
Old 04-24-2018, 02:22 PM
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From the plastic arts we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield cognoscento, Jimmy Buzzard.
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  #7248  
Old 04-24-2018, 02:39 PM
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Perhaps he was dictating.
  #7249  
Old 04-25-2018, 10:59 AM
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What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.
  #7250  
Old 04-25-2018, 05:11 PM
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No you haven't!
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