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  #4201  
Old 03-27-2015, 10:16 AM
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Of course the big question that everyone's asking here is, what about those split-crotch parities? Are they going to be unobtainable throughout the Universe or merely on Algon itself?
  #4202  
Old 03-28-2015, 10:54 AM
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When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom! Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want. French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. Have I got one? Uh, well no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice: "Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant!"
  #4203  
Old 03-28-2015, 11:31 AM
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Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
  #4204  
Old 03-28-2015, 11:31 AM
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The Bishop!

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  #4205  
Old 04-01-2015, 08:38 PM
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What we got here is... failure to communicate.


check the date before you go wtf
  #4206  
Old 04-02-2015, 07:47 PM
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Now where were we? Oh -- that's right

Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
  #4207  
Old 04-02-2015, 08:56 PM
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Well it's an albatross, isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS! All right, all right. It's bloody... albatross flavour... bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour! ALBATROSS!
  #4208  
Old 04-02-2015, 09:37 PM
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Ugh... me heap dizzy.
  #4209  
Old 04-02-2015, 10:21 PM
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Under normal circumstances I would have asked a policeman or a minister of the Church, but finding no one available, I thought it better to consult a man with some qualifications, rather than rely on the possibly confused testimony of a passer-by.
  #4210  
Old 04-03-2015, 05:03 PM
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Off I went, on a perfectly ordinary kind of day.
  #4211  
Old 04-03-2015, 05:09 PM
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...when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
  #4212  
Old 04-03-2015, 11:35 PM
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There's nowt wrong wi' gala luncheons, lad! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners!
  #4213  
Old 04-04-2015, 10:13 AM
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...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots.
  #4214  
Old 04-04-2015, 12:04 PM
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Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
  #4215  
Old 04-04-2015, 08:18 PM
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S'hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!
  #4216  
Old 04-04-2015, 08:38 PM
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Your Majesty, you're like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
  #4217  
Old 04-05-2015, 12:07 AM
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Well, one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and sees this tank drive up and one of Dinsdale's boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly-like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape 'round to Dinsdale's. And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called "Kierkegaard," who just sat there biting the heads off whippets, and Dinsdale said, "I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement," and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said, "My name's not Clement," and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.
  #4218  
Old 04-06-2015, 09:29 AM
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It's a fair cop.
  #4219  
Old 04-06-2015, 09:53 AM
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We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
  #4220  
Old 04-06-2015, 01:43 PM
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Yeah, it's hidden in his trousers!
  #4221  
Old 04-06-2015, 07:24 PM
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I think 'e's got beau'iful legs!
  #4222  
Old 04-06-2015, 11:30 PM
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Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) ... give the rack a turn.
  #4223  
Old 04-07-2015, 08:16 AM
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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you and now for the fish - the fish down the trousers.
  #4224  
Old 04-07-2015, 11:57 AM
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We done passionfruit!
  #4225  
Old 04-07-2015, 12:06 PM
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"What have the Romans done for us?"
  #4226  
Old 04-08-2015, 09:55 AM
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Moan, moan, moan.
  #4227  
Old 04-08-2015, 10:12 AM
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Well I mean, blimey, I mean, if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt!
  #4228  
Old 04-08-2015, 10:14 AM
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We already got one!

...

(It's very nice.)
  #4229  
Old 04-08-2015, 10:17 AM
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Is your wife interested in...photography?

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  #4230  
Old 04-08-2015, 11:17 AM
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Are you selling something?
  #4231  
Old 04-08-2015, 11:49 AM
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I would like to hear the sound of two bricks being bashed together.
  #4232  
Old 04-08-2015, 11:59 AM
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When the Piranhas left school they were called up, but were found by an Army board to be too unstable even for National Service.
  #4233  
Old 04-08-2015, 12:42 PM
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You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!
  #4234  
Old 04-08-2015, 02:00 PM
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Two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain?
  #4235  
Old 04-08-2015, 02:27 PM
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I promise I won't kill you.
  #4236  
Old 04-08-2015, 08:32 PM
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Obviously boxing must have its limits, but providing they're both perfectly fit I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man beating the living daylights out of a little schoolgirl.
  #4237  
Old 04-11-2015, 02:56 PM
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Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, uh, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.
  #4238  
Old 04-11-2015, 04:38 PM
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Oh molluscs, I thought you said bacon.
  #4239  
Old 04-11-2015, 05:42 PM
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What's so special about the cheesemakers?
  #4240  
Old 04-11-2015, 11:19 PM
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Shut up, Mister Gumby!
  #4241  
Old 04-12-2015, 03:58 PM
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That's you, m'lud, not you, m'lud.
  #4242  
Old 04-12-2015, 08:31 PM
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The Jodrells win every bloody year... makes you vomit ... dad?
  #4243  
Old 04-12-2015, 09:15 PM
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Fuck off. I'm full.
  #4244  
Old 04-12-2015, 10:33 PM
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What a great twit!
  #4245  
Old 04-12-2015, 11:05 PM
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Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
  #4246  
Old 04-13-2015, 08:35 AM
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I'll have the lot.
  #4247  
Old 04-13-2015, 10:24 AM
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And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
  #4248  
Old 04-13-2015, 12:17 PM
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Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
  #4249  
Old 04-15-2015, 01:15 PM
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But our sales would plummet!
  #4250  
Old 04-15-2015, 08:58 PM
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I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir.
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