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  #4751  
Old 01-12-2016, 12:18 AM
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Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.
  #4752  
Old 01-12-2016, 01:15 PM
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Shut up. It's a disguise. Right! Confiscate the smutty books, Maddox.
  #4753  
Old 01-12-2016, 05:19 PM
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I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ....

Last edited by Prof. Pepperwinkle; 01-12-2016 at 05:19 PM.
  #4754  
Old 01-12-2016, 07:41 PM
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What if he's got a poin-ted stick?
  #4755  
Old 01-13-2016, 10:16 AM
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Shut Up!
  #4756  
Old 01-13-2016, 10:18 AM
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You're a Knight of the Round Table!?
  #4757  
Old 01-13-2016, 10:24 AM
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Right. You're in.
  #4758  
Old 01-13-2016, 10:30 AM
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Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson?
  #4759  
Old 01-13-2016, 10:46 AM
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Well, one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and sees this tank drive up and one of Dinsdale's boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly-like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape 'round to Dinsdale's. And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called "Kierkegaard," who just sat there biting the heads off whippets, and Dinsdale said, "I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement," and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said, "My name's not Clement," and then he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.
  #4760  
Old 01-13-2016, 11:39 AM
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And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
  #4761  
Old 01-13-2016, 12:06 PM
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As for the performance of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.
  #4762  
Old 01-15-2016, 12:28 PM
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Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
  #4763  
Old 01-15-2016, 08:08 PM
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But Mr F. G. Superman has a secret identity...when trouble strikes at any time...at any place...he is ready to become... Bicycle Repair Man!
  #4764  
Old 01-15-2016, 09:46 PM
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About one - call it none.
  #4765  
Old 01-17-2016, 10:56 AM
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That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins.
  #4766  
Old 01-17-2016, 12:26 PM
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But, despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.
  #4767  
Old 01-20-2016, 07:17 AM
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And now for something completely different.
  #4768  
Old 01-21-2016, 07:24 PM
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Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life. Keep it up.
  #4769  
Old 01-21-2016, 08:26 PM
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Then-
  #4770  
Old 01-21-2016, 08:44 PM
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Ni!
  #4771  
Old 01-21-2016, 10:55 PM
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It's....
  #4772  
Old 01-21-2016, 10:59 PM
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...a duck!
  #4773  
Old 01-22-2016, 06:08 AM
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Spam!
  #4774  
Old 01-22-2016, 08:32 AM
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The colonel's a joker, Luigi.
  #4775  
Old 01-22-2016, 10:17 AM
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What do you mean? African or European swallow?
  #4776  
Old 01-22-2016, 10:54 AM
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You're a loony.
  #4777  
Old 01-28-2016, 09:02 AM
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I havn't had enough of the permissive society.
  #4778  
Old 01-28-2016, 09:06 AM
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Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel
  #4779  
Old 01-28-2016, 09:09 AM
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Hey! Mrs McWong's been on the phone! The polar bear's been in her garden again.
  #4780  
Old 01-28-2016, 09:30 AM
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Well it wasn't all that terrible.
  #4781  
Old 01-28-2016, 09:48 AM
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WHADDAYOU WANT? DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!! SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! Oh...oh! I'm sorry, this is Abuse! No, you want room 12A, next door.




(stupid git)
  #4782  
Old 01-28-2016, 10:32 AM
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We'll have none of your imperialist tidbits.
  #4783  
Old 01-28-2016, 12:14 PM
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Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend, 'Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog' if you wish to avoid prosecution!
  #4784  
Old 01-30-2016, 12:38 PM
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Good Lord! You're the man who introduced Sir Edward Ross on the other side of the record!
  #4785  
Old 01-30-2016, 01:56 PM
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Splunge!
  #4786  
Old 01-30-2016, 07:55 PM
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The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
  #4787  
Old 01-30-2016, 08:55 PM
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You're not even a proper woman!
  #4788  
Old 01-31-2016, 06:51 AM
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Quite right - you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say. We're going to have to have our budgie put down.
  #4789  
Old 01-31-2016, 08:22 AM
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Good evening. Here is the news for Parrots. No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today when a lorry carrying high-octane fuel was in collison with a bollard. That's a bollard and not a parrot. A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved.
  #4790  
Old 01-31-2016, 09:57 AM
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Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
  #4791  
Old 01-31-2016, 10:25 AM
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Burn her!
  #4792  
Old 01-31-2016, 12:50 PM
anyrose is offline
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Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.
  #4793  
Old 01-31-2016, 01:01 PM
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What do you mean "miss"?
  #4794  
Old 01-31-2016, 02:56 PM
Elendil's Heir is offline
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What is your quest?
  #4795  
Old 01-31-2016, 10:51 PM
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Yeah, well, what about the cat?
  #4796  
Old 01-31-2016, 10:52 PM
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We've been mentioned on telly!
  #4797  
Old 02-01-2016, 06:56 AM
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You see, you know that is the trouble with living half way up a cliff - you feel so cut off. You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.
  #4798  
Old 02-01-2016, 07:59 AM
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Ooh get her, whoops
I’ve got your number, ducky you couldn’t afford me dear
Two, three
I’ll scratch your eyes out
Don’t come the brigadier bit with us dear
We all know where you’ve been, you military fairy
Two, three
One, two, three, four, five, six
Whoops, don’t look now, girls
The major’s just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant
Two, three,
Ooh.
  #4799  
Old 02-01-2016, 09:29 AM
Knorf is offline
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Number eleven. More naughty bits.
  #4800  
Old 02-01-2016, 09:52 AM
Elendil's Heir is offline
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What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well-known Scottish footballer. That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!
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