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  #4801  
Old 02-01-2016, 10:29 AM
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Right. Now, uh, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.
  #4802  
Old 02-01-2016, 11:28 AM
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No right, well gentlemen, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules: Rule one - no pooftahs. Rule two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule three - no pooftahs. Rule four - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule five - no pooftahs. Rule six - there is no rule six! Rule seven - no pooftahs. That concludes the reading of the rules, Bruce.
  #4803  
Old 02-01-2016, 12:49 PM
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Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking... the oral sex!
  #4804  
Old 02-02-2016, 11:12 AM
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He hasn't got shit all over him.
  #4805  
Old 02-02-2016, 12:07 PM
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Luxury!
  #4806  
Old 02-02-2016, 04:01 PM
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Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a sheep, I mean I'm fed up with going abroad and being treated like a sheep, what's the point of being carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Boventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their 'Sunday Mirrors', complaining about the tea, 'Oh they don't make it properly here do they not like at home' stopping at Majorcan bodegas, selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares and two veg and sitting in cotton sun frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh cos they 'overdid it on the first day'!
  #4807  
Old 02-04-2016, 09:55 AM
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Stop. Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
  #4808  
Old 02-04-2016, 10:25 AM
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You've ... you've got a nice army base here, Colonel. We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.
  #4809  
Old 02-04-2016, 11:47 AM
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Mm. Well, how about the Dungeon Room?
  #4810  
Old 02-04-2016, 02:54 PM
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No. 1. The Larch.
  #4811  
Old 02-07-2016, 06:19 PM
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Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout... Look out, there are llamas!
  #4812  
Old 02-07-2016, 06:47 PM
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The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute:



Executive Producer
JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama

Producer
MARK FORSTATER

Assisted By
EARL J. LLAMA
MILT Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

Directed By

40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS

6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS

142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS

14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY


and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES
  #4813  
Old 02-07-2016, 09:53 PM
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We done passionfruit.
  #4814  
Old 02-08-2016, 04:33 AM
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Your wife not nurse. She Nurse. Your wife patient. Be patient. She Nurse. Your wife. Me doctor. Yew Tree. U-trecht. U-trillo, U Thant, Euphemism. Me Doctor.
  #4815  
Old 02-08-2016, 08:29 AM
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Someone in Norway likes Monty Python: http://www.fastcocreate.com/3028834/...fic-management
  #4816  
Old 02-08-2016, 09:22 AM
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Now I'm really cheesed off. I mean it's not your high-brow bleeding plays that pull in the viewers, you know.
  #4817  
Old 02-08-2016, 09:51 AM
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Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
  #4818  
Old 02-08-2016, 10:44 AM
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Oh, 'an aeroplane'. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren't we? (imitation posh accent) 'Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I'm off to play the grand piano'. 'Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane.' Now get on the table!
  #4819  
Old 02-08-2016, 02:09 PM
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Cardboard box? You were lucky.
  #4820  
Old 02-08-2016, 02:26 PM
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Me heap big fan Cicely Courtneidge.... She fine actress ... she make interpretation heap subtle ... she heap good diction and timing ... she make part really live for Indian brave.
  #4821  
Old 02-08-2016, 03:27 PM
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Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was halibut... or... ?
  #4822  
Old 02-09-2016, 11:39 PM
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Burma!
  #4823  
Old 02-10-2016, 06:57 AM
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Well, if you can imagine the size of Nelson's Column, which is roughly three times the size of a London bus, then Tchaikovsky was much smaller. His head was about the same size as that of an extremely large dog, that is to say, two very small dogs, or four very large hamsters, or one medium-size rabbit if you count the whole of the body and not just the head.
  #4824  
Old 02-10-2016, 07:04 AM
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Number fifteen. The naughty bits of Reginald Maudling.
  #4825  
Old 02-10-2016, 08:27 AM
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Kipling Road was a typical sort of East End street, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot.
  #4826  
Old 02-10-2016, 09:17 AM
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An interesting point about these boys is they all have one thing in common. Hip injuries. Not far away the crowds are flocking to see a member of the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Geese.
  #4827  
Old 02-11-2016, 10:00 AM
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First offense? Yeah, crucifixion.
  #4828  
Old 02-11-2016, 02:05 PM
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It's...
  #4829  
Old 02-11-2016, 02:20 PM
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Good morning, gentlemen. This is a twelve-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...

Last edited by anyrose; 02-11-2016 at 02:21 PM. Reason: Brits can't spell either
  #4830  
Old 02-11-2016, 03:46 PM
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Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did...
  #4831  
Old 02-11-2016, 10:46 PM
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Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...
  #4832  
Old 02-12-2016, 07:24 AM
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Excusez-moi Madame Clodagh. Ecrivez-vous votre nom dans mon livre des hommes célèbrites, s'il vous plait. Là, au-dessous de Denis Compton. Maman! Ce n'est pas la belle Clodagh.
  #4833  
Old 02-12-2016, 07:43 AM
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My brain hurts!
  #4834  
Old 02-12-2016, 07:49 AM
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My Theory by A. Elk. Brackets Miss, brackets. This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and belongs to me and I own it, and what it is too.
  #4835  
Old 02-12-2016, 08:53 AM
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Kiss me Hardy!
  #4836  
Old 02-12-2016, 09:29 AM
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Don't pick your nose.
  #4837  
Old 02-12-2016, 08:25 PM
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Interviewer: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.

Interviewer: But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
  #4838  
Old 02-13-2016, 09:18 AM
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From the plastic arts we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield cognoscento, Jimmy Buzzard.
  #4839  
Old 02-13-2016, 10:59 AM
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I see that you have a cabbage.
  #4840  
Old 02-13-2016, 11:13 AM
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And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and Bontinentals with their international luxury modern roomettes and their Watney's Red Barrel and their swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging in to the queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some big fat bloated tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
  #4841  
Old 02-13-2016, 04:15 PM
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Ni!
  #4842  
Old 02-13-2016, 08:01 PM
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I told them we already had one. :: giggles ::
  #4843  
Old 02-13-2016, 08:39 PM
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I will not buy this record, it is scratched!
  #4844  
Old 02-14-2016, 07:46 AM
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And then some adenoidal typists from Birmingham with diarrhoea and flabby white legs and hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel, and then, once a week there's an excursion to the local Roman ruins where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel, and one night they take you to a local restaurant with local colour and colouring and they show you there and you sit next to a party of people from Rhyl who keeps singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food - 'Oh! It's so greasy isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an Instamatic and Dr Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's 'Daily Express' and he drones on and on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up all over the Cuba Libres.
  #4845  
Old 02-14-2016, 08:30 AM
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Well my manager explained it to me: you see if you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.
  #4846  
Old 02-14-2016, 05:08 PM
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Or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top and Spam.
  #4847  
Old 02-14-2016, 05:10 PM
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...and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids are vomitting and throwing up on the plastic flowers and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane is still in Iceland waiting to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can pick you up on the tarmac at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac till six because of 'unforeseen difficulties'. i.e. the permanent strike of Air Traffic Control in Paris, and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at eight, and when you get to Malaga airport everybody's swallowing Enterovioform tablets and queuing for the toilets and when you finally get to the hotel, there's no water in the taps, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bog and there's a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and half the rooms are double-booked and you can't sleep anyway...
  #4848  
Old 02-14-2016, 06:30 PM
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Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it. Ha, ha, ha. And a special good evening to you. Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all the other announcers, but a special good evening from me to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun isn't it. Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments 'It's A Tree' and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his star guests. And then at 9.30 we've got another rollocking half hour of laughter-packed squalor with 'Yes it's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree...
  #4849  
Old 02-14-2016, 07:12 PM
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It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
  #4850  
Old 02-15-2016, 06:42 AM
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Lemon curry?
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