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Old 06-29-2019, 01:36 PM
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Am I too easily offended?


I broke up a relationship yesterday after 4 months. I figured better now than waiting. For the most part we got along very well and I have to admit I usually feel very comfortable around her and I am very attracted to her. We are both the same age @70 years old. My biggest issue is I feel I am being patronized verbally while her actions I consider to be often rude and dismissive of me. She always says the right things.

A major pet peeve I have that will get my blood boiling and I have to really make an effort to shake off is a comment she often makes to my comments. We might be talking about a home or car repair or a pet issue or something about music and singers, it could literally be anything. If I happen to know something about the issue I will make a comment based on what I know. Her standard reply is " I don't know". If I were to reverse the parties and she were to comment on something I was wondering about I would acknowledge her answer and possibly challenge it or expand on it. When it first started happening I found it only a minor irritation but as time went on it has now become a blood boiler. Anyway, I heard it one too many times and decided to pack my bags. She says I am being too sensitive and that she is really in love with me.

The other issue is sex, she goes on and on about how much I turn her on yet she always seems to manage to squeeze our sex capades into narrow time slots right before the kids get home. If she really enjoyed it as much as she says she would want to get started the minute they leave the house. I would have no problem if she said honestly we need to work on some things but all she ever says it how great it is when I know better. I don't think I am being too sensitive.
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Old 06-29-2019, 01:50 PM
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I don't know if you're too sensitive or not. Telling someone "I don't know" when they don't know seems logical. Are you hoping that she has knowledge to share or are you hoping that she will share a new interest? Door number 1 - may I introduce the Internet. Door number 2 - perhaps you should have been really clear about that. For example, "I just learned about narrow gauge railroads. Have you heard about those? <I don't know> I think they're interesting. Here's what I have learned so far." Expecting someone to carry the conversational bar on your area of interest is both high-maintenance, and impossible for her to understand without your input.

Sex before the kids get home? How old are these kids? Can't they watch a movie or something? Leave the door shut (or not) and get busy. She's old enough to have sex when she wants to, and hopefully the kids are old enough to stand the shock.

Last edited by Sunny Daze; 06-29-2019 at 01:51 PM.
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Old 06-29-2019, 02:06 PM
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I don't know if you're too sensitive or not. Telling someone "I don't know" when they don't know seems logical. Are you hoping that she has knowledge to share or are you hoping that she will share a new interest? Door number 1 - may I introduce the Internet. Door number 2 - perhaps you should have been really clear about that. For example, "I just learned about narrow gauge railroads. Have you heard about those? <I don't know> I think they're interesting. Here's what I have learned so far." Expecting someone to carry the conversational bar on your area of interest is both high-maintenance, and impossible for her to understand without your input.

Sex before the kids get home? How old are these kids? Can't they watch a movie or something? Leave the door shut (or not) and get busy. She's old enough to have sex when she wants to, and hopefully the kids are old enough to stand the shock.
You missed the point, the " I don't know" is in response to a statement not a question. Example, I told her yesterday that her ceiling fan with lights should not have been installed with a dimmer switch unless extra wires were run to accommodate the lights only. Her response was " I don't know", my response was well unless you think I am full of shit then you do know, her response " I don't know" My response bight my tongue because I am ready to let go on her.
I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don't know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don't know".

Last edited by HoneyBadgerDC; 06-29-2019 at 02:11 PM.
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Old 06-29-2019, 02:22 PM
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You missed the point, the " I don't know" is in response to a statement not a question. Example, I told her yesterday that her ceiling fan with lights should not have been installed with a dimmer switch unless extra wires were run to accommodate the lights only. Her response was " I don't know", my response was well unless you think I am full of shit then you do know, her response " I don't know" My response bight my tongue because I am ready to let go on her.
I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don't know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don't know".
It sounds to me like a case of her being an incurious person. That alone could make for incompatibility.

Last edited by BrickBat; 06-29-2019 at 02:22 PM.
  #5  
Old 06-29-2019, 02:55 PM
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Is it possible that "I don't know" really means "I don't know what to say about that?" If that were the case, I might try to get her to expand on her range of responses, to make them more responsive. This would require a calm, give-and-take discussion on both parts, one where she is forbidden to use those three words by themselves. It sounds like it's an old verbal habit that she finds hard to break, or she doesn't realize why it upsets you so much.

The sex thing too requires a frank and honest discussion. If you feel like she can't have such a discussion about a potentially difficult topic like sex (or the above topic, that isn't particularly difficult), then THAT would be the reason to leave. Any relationship that has important issues to work out needs to have both parties engaged in the solution for both parties to achieve something like happiness out of it.
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Old 06-29-2019, 04:53 PM
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The "I don't know" responses sounded patronizing, like she was doubting what you were saying, for no reason at all from the way you've reported it.

But as for being too easily offended, if it was enough to end the relationship then no. That's assuming you haven't asked yourself that question about other relationships.

It also sound like you never mentioned it until you packed. But that's a different issue from the one you asked about.
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Old 06-29-2019, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by HoneyBadgerDC View Post
You missed the point, the " I don't know" is in response to a statement not a question. Example, I told her yesterday that her ceiling fan with lights should not have been installed with a dimmer switch unless extra wires were run to accommodate the lights only. Her response was " I don't know", my response was well unless you think I am full of shit then you do know, her response " I don't know" My response bight my tongue because I am ready to let go on her.
I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don't know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don't know".
Sometimes my husband does this with me and it is frustrating. The “I don’t know” comes across as them saying “I can’t or won’t accept what you are saying as true even though I have absolutely no reason to doubt you”. When it concerns a subject that you’re pretty knowledgeable about (and they aren’t), it is really obnoxious. I tend to defer to his judgement or expertise when the shoe is on the other foot, so I expect the same.

So I don’t think this particular complaint makes you oversensitive, and if she won’t reign this in, it’s not unreasonable to initiate break up proceedings over it.
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Old 06-29-2019, 05:43 PM
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I'm still not clear on what she means by the "I don't know." There's a thing some southern women do, with a long, drawn out, sing-songey "I dooonn't knooowww" which is intended to mean either "you're full of crap" or "That's a lousy idea."

"Me and the boys are gonna polish up the bottom of that horse trough and use it to sled down breakneck hill!"
"I dooonn't knooowww"

"I watched Chernobyl last night and it's clear they could just have filled that tank with marmalade to stop the reaction"
"I dooonn't knooowww"

But there's another way it comes out that's just "That's over my head" It's sort of a high to low down hill "I don't know"

What do you think she means by it?

OR does it really matter? Aren't you guys old enough to know when you're not in love/compatible and just leave it at that?

Last edited by TruCelt; 06-29-2019 at 05:44 PM.
  #9  
Old 06-29-2019, 06:14 PM
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I say 'I don't know', all the time. It means, to me, let me think about this for a few minutes.
I will now rethink my use of the phrase.
OP, if you feel she's being dismissive of you or your statements you should tell her that.
At 70yo. you and your Lady should not concern yourselves with kids coming in, when it's sexy time. Lock the door, put a note on the door for them to come back later. If she's using that to get out of intimacy you should talk to her about it.
What you have is a failure in communication, it seems to me.
OP, since you've already moved on this all moot. Next relationship, talk, talk, talk up front. I wish you much good luck.
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Old 06-29-2019, 06:52 PM
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I say 'I don't know', all the time. It means, to me, let me think about this for a few minutes.
I will now rethink my use of the phrase.
OP, if you feel she's being dismissive of you or your statements you should tell her that.
At 70yo. you and your Lady should not concern yourselves with kids coming in, when it's sexy time. Lock the door, put a note on the door for them to come back later. If she's using that to get out of intimacy you should talk to her about it.
What you have is a failure in communication, it seems to me.
OP, since you've already moved on this all moot. Next relationship, talk, talk, talk up front. I wish you much good luck.
The kid is 53 yrs old, I just feel more relaxed when we have the house to our self. We obviously still have the nights together when we go to bed but daytime playing around to me is a treat I really look forward to.
I have agreed to go back over and try to talk it out, I was in pretty much of a huff when I walked out the other day. What precluded me walking out I thought was extremely rude. She had to work in 2 hours. She told me to take a quick shower and get in bed and when she finished her game she would take her shower and come to bed, she said about 15 minutes. By the time she got done playing the game close to an hour had gone by and I was already pissed off and no longer in the mood as we now had a 30 minute time slot we had to fit things into. This is when I walked out.

And the "I don"t know" thing she doesn't do to everyone, she does it to her eldest son, one of her nieces and me, we are three people in her life who don't play a submissive roll.
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Old 06-29-2019, 07:13 PM
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If she does it to everyone, then I'd assume it's a habit without much actual meaning behind it. People get into verbal habits like that, and I'd expect them to be harder to get rid of if you're older.

That said, someone saying "you're too sensitive" is a red flag for me. You should be able to discuss the things that bother you without the other person dismissing it. Even if this is just another verbal habit, it's one that makes it difficult to discuss and work around issues.

Relationships often involve discussing the little things and ironing them out.
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Old 06-29-2019, 09:59 PM
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I would recommend some soul searching on your part. If the words "I don't know" never passed her lips, would everything be perfect or do you think the reason behind why she says that would still drive you crazy. If it's the later, time to move on.

About the sex thing - if it happened once, well that can happen to anyone. If it's a pattern it would make me very suspicious that this is her way of getting things over with quickly without your realizing what is going on. Nothing like making sure you are going to hit a deadline in 20 minutes to ensure that it doesn't take too long.

My ex-husband used to do this thing. If I had a meeting to get to at, say 9:00, we'd get up at 6:30 and get ready for the day. He would be neutral, going about his business. At 8:30 all of a sudden he HAD to have me so that I had to either be late for my meeting or put him off (and then endure several days of pouting because I placed work over him). It took a several of those episodes for me to figure out the pattern. Of course, when I called him on it he tried to gaslight me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. As I said, ex-husband.
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Old 06-29-2019, 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Long Time First Time View Post
I would recommend some soul searching on your part. If the words "I don't know" never passed her lips, would everything be perfect or do you think the reason behind why she says that would still drive you crazy. If it's the later, time to move on.

About the sex thing - if it happened once, well that can happen to anyone. If it's a pattern it would make me very suspicious that this is her way of getting things over with quickly without your realizing what is going on. Nothing like making sure you are going to hit a deadline in 20 minutes to ensure that it doesn't take too long.

My ex-husband used to do this thing. If I had a meeting to get to at, say 9:00, we'd get up at 6:30 and get ready for the day. He would be neutral, going about his business. At 8:30 all of a sudden he HAD to have me so that I had to either be late for my meeting or put him off (and then endure several days of pouting because I placed work over him). It took a several of those episodes for me to figure out the pattern. Of course, when I called him on it he tried to gaslight me and said he had no idea what I was talking about. As I said, ex-husband.
I am about 97.5% sure this is the case. Not a clear pattern of this yet but it does seem to happen kind of frequently. The gas lighting on virtually anything that might come up is to the point I won't bother to bring anything up anymore, we haven't had an issue yet that couldn't have been worked through in 10 minutes or less but each time it happens I end up angry and carrying some resentments that seem to be snowballing to some degree.
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Old 06-30-2019, 01:32 AM
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No one can do more than guess without being there in person, but here is my guess: there is a thing that some people do, where they turn everything they say into a request for validation, and maybe she thinks you are doing this. One person like this I know, cannot share any experience without ending it with "right?" They cannot enjoy a movie unless when they periodically turn their head to check on you, you are sharing the same emotional reaction. It may be that she isn't trying to say you are wrong, but that she is uncomfortable either with your need for external validation, or possibly with the emotional weight you add to what should be trivial things.
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Old 06-30-2019, 02:06 AM
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I]We are both the same age @70 years old. ...
The other issue is sex, she goes on and on about how much I turn her on yet she always seems to manage to squeeze our sex capades into narrow time slots right before the kids get home. \
Wait, what? How do 70 year old people have to worry about kids coming home? Aren't her kids about 40+? Or maybe grandkids are involved?

I can almost understand. I am 60, my boyfriend is 65, and our sex life is, shall we say, about a gazillion times more inventive and satisfying than I as a smug 20-year-old could have imagined old people experiencing. His 22-year-old daughter and her boyfriend live in his house, which is sometimes a bit restrictive. But we work around it. Interested to hear more and share experiences if you want to.
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Old 06-30-2019, 09:46 AM
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I think the problem may be a lack of common interest. I, for one, would’ve been interested in your ceiling fan comment and I probably would’ve mentioned that there may be wireless components that allow for separate light / fan control and we would’ve had a conversation about it. But I’m interested in pretty much all things mechanical. Your situation reminds me of interactions I’ve had with my mother.

I sometimes try to start conversations about technical / mechanical subjects. My mother has absolutely no interest in such things and no interest in attempting to appear interested. In her case, the “I dont know” translates to “this bores me, change the subject”. I remember being on vacation once and noticing some of their security/ surveillance measures. I mentioned them to my Mom, posing some sort of question ( “do you think there is a monitor room behind that mirror?”) and her response was to point out a vase on a table and say “Aren’t those flowers pretty?”

So I think it’s a lack of common interest.

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Old 06-30-2019, 12:26 PM
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What I'm hearing with that "I don't know" is "I don't care what you are saying, and in fact, why are you talking to me, leave me alone and let me play my game." If it was only sometimes, or when you interrupted her spending some alone time with her phone, then I don't think it would be a big deal. If it's all the time, in response to anything, particular if she is talking at you, but not letting you participate in the conversation, then yeah, she doesn't have much respect for you.

Your only four months into this thing? Just get out, it isn't going to get any better. If it had been years, then maybe there is something worth working on or saving. She sounds incredibly tedious and difficult. Or rather, you can stick around if the fun times make all the other times worth it to you, but don't get too invested.
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Old 06-30-2019, 01:25 PM
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I guess that would be my take after a while. That "I don't know" really means "I don't care". Which would kill any and all joy I had in the relationship if it kept happening on a daily basis.
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Old 06-30-2019, 08:10 PM
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To answer your subject question, yes you are and acting like a schoolboy especially regarding sex. Just because you like a little afternoon delight doesn't mean that she does. Particularly so since she tries to limit the time spent.

This may be because as women get older they don't get/stay as moist as they used to. I've had women in their fifties tell me that as they've gotten older, having sex hurts*, but they don't want to tell her husband/boyfriend because they'll think they (the woman) isn't turned on by them any more.

*For some reason, women of all ages love to give me TMI!
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Old 06-30-2019, 09:57 PM
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...
Your only four months into this thing? Just get out, it isn't going to get any better. If it had been years, then maybe there is something worth working on or saving. She sounds incredibly tedious and difficult. Or rather, you can stick around if the fun times make all the other times worth it to you, but don't get too invested.
This.

Maybe she's tedious, and maybe you're too sensitive. Who cares which? At our age, we don't have all the time in the world. If you're wondering this much, do both of you a favor and bail.
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Old 06-30-2019, 11:17 PM
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To answer your subject question, yes you are and acting like a schoolboy especially regarding sex. Just because you like a little afternoon delight doesn't mean that she does. Particularly so since she tries to limit the time spent.

This may be because as women get older they don't get/stay as moist as they used to. I've had women in their fifties tell me that as they've gotten older, having sex hurts*, but they don't want to tell her husband/boyfriend because they'll think they (the woman) isn't turned on by them any more.

*For some reason, women of all ages love to give me TMI!
I don't think you're being fair. I did not get the sense that the OP was insisting on having sex at all, let alone in the afternoon. He just wanted her to be honest about whether and how much she was interested, instead of being passive aggressive about the timing while gushing about how much she loved it.
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Old 06-30-2019, 11:59 PM
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I don't think you're being fair. I did not get the sense that the OP was insisting on having sex at all, let alone in the afternoon. He just wanted her to be honest about whether and how much she was interested, instead of being passive aggressive about the timing while gushing about how much she loved it.

If she would have said she wasn't in the mood or tired or whatever I would have been fine, but she left me laying in the bed waiting while she played games on the computer, I do get pissed when someone is not honest. I spent 20 years with my first wife and 24 yrs with my girlfriend and never had issues like I have with this one every time I go out to see her. I ended it completely tonight and cut all ties where we can't contact one another. It was a case of I was more turned on to her than she was to me, in all fairness I have been in reverse situations and it really is hard to fake.

Last edited by HoneyBadgerDC; 07-01-2019 at 12:00 AM.
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Old 07-01-2019, 02:21 AM
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This thread seems so surreal to me:

Both are 70
Kids are in the house
She's playing video games on the TV

What is going on?!

Last edited by Grrr!; 07-01-2019 at 02:22 AM.
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Old 07-01-2019, 07:59 AM
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This thread seems so surreal to me:

Both are 70
Kids are in the house
She's playing video games on the TV

What is going on?!
Baby boomers, amirite!?
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Old 07-01-2019, 01:58 PM
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Were you ever tempted to say something totally off the wall while she was playing her games, like "I'm going to chop up your cat into slices and serve them for dinner."

"I don't know..."
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Old 07-01-2019, 02:12 PM
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When she says "I don't know" I'm picturing it done in the same way these folks are saying well, I don't know about that
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Old 07-01-2019, 02:53 PM
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I broke up a relationship yesterday after 4 months. I figured better now than waiting. For the most part we got along very well and I have to admit I usually feel very comfortable around her and I am very attracted to her. We are both the same age @70 years old. My biggest issue is I feel I am being patronized verbally while her actions I consider to be often rude and dismissive of me. She always says the right things.

A major pet peeve I have that will get my blood boiling and I have to really make an effort to shake off is a comment she often makes to my comments. We might be talking about a home or car repair or a pet issue or something about music and singers, it could literally be anything. If I happen to know something about the issue I will make a comment based on what I know. Her standard reply is " I don't know". If I were to reverse the parties and she were to comment on something I was wondering about I would acknowledge her answer and possibly challenge it or expand on it. When it first started happening I found it only a minor irritation but as time went on it has now become a blood boiler. Anyway, I heard it one too many times and decided to pack my bags. She says I am being too sensitive and that she is really in love with me.

The other issue is sex, she goes on and on about how much I turn her on yet she always seems to manage to squeeze our sex capades into narrow time slots right before the kids get home. If she really enjoyed it as much as she says she would want to get started the minute they leave the house. I would have no problem if she said honestly we need to work on some things but all she ever says it how great it is when I know better. I don't think I am being too sensitive.
Did you confront her with your feelings? If so, how did she respond. If not, your really should.
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Old 07-01-2019, 03:22 PM
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When she says "I don't know" I'm picturing it done in the same way these folks are saying well, I don't know about that
Know it is a flick of the hair, a no headhshake and a very quick " I don't know" Almost inaudible.
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Old 07-01-2019, 03:38 PM
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Our history goes back to when we were pre teens. She always had exceptionally good looks and attracted wealthy men who would buy her very expensive gifts. She knows how to play men. ( 7 marriages). Past 20 years she has settled down for the most part and stayed out of relationships. She has become a very good and loving grandmother to her grand-kids, almost to a fault. They fight over turns to stay with her. She has a lot of good qualities and is still very sexy but patronizing men has become second nature to her I think. A few weeks ago when I had first decided that we should end the relationship she calls me on the phone sounding all broken hearted and wanting to fix things. I didn't give her an answer at that point and when she thought she had hung up the phone we were still connected. She immediately broke out into a joyful little melody. I cracked at that point because I knew I wasn't dealing with a typical woman. She had basicaly just faked the entire conversation I am pretty sure.

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Old 07-01-2019, 04:31 PM
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Time to shake the dust from your sandals, my friend, and move on. You must be feeling at least a bit of relief right about now...
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Old 07-01-2019, 05:34 PM
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Time to shake the dust from your sandals, my friend, and move on. You must be feeling at least a bit of relief right about now...
I know I should be and I think once the dust settles I will know I made the right decision but I have to admit it is not easy right now.

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Old 07-01-2019, 05:46 PM
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You missed the point, the " I don't know" is in response to a statement not a question. Example, I told her yesterday that her ceiling fan with lights should not have been installed with a dimmer switch unless extra wires were run to accommodate the lights only. Her response was " I don't know", my response was well unless you think I am full of shit then you do know, her response " I don't know" My response bight my tongue because I am ready to let go on her.
I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don't know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don't know".
Yeah this is annoying. Yes, you know. I just told you. You are free to have a different opinion, you are free to cross-check me on Google. But if you don't have your own ideas, then what I told you is what you know.

There are a few things like this that I file under "annoying but not worth fighting." They are tolerable here and there, but the dose definitely makes the poison.
  #33  
Old 07-01-2019, 05:46 PM
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Know it is a flick of the hair, a no headhshake and a very quick " I don't know" Almost inaudible.
It's as rude and dismissive as might have thought it was. A snippier way to say "STFU you're boring me" than actually saying it.

I know it's water under the bridge now, but thanks for the clarification.
  #34  
Old 07-01-2019, 05:50 PM
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I know I should be and I think once the dust settles I will know I made the right decision but I have to admit it is not easy right now.
It's hard to adjust to another loss. I was thinking the other day that of the five men I've loved in the last 36 years, four of them are dead... one of them just a year ago. This month it will be 19 years since my husband died. I admire you for trying again. I don't think I have it in me.
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  #35  
Old 07-01-2019, 08:00 PM
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Everyone is overlooking the most important question in this story - what game is a 70 year old woman playing?
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Old 07-01-2019, 08:51 PM
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Everyone is overlooking the most important question in this story - what game is a 70 year old woman playing?
That is a fair question, I don't think it is a game with a motive. I think it is just the only game she knows with men. She has been burned many times and done her share of burning over the years but I think she got off to a bad start at a very young age. She considers herself very boring and without her youthful looks doesn't think she has much value. She can actually be very engaging on certain topics that she has followed up on over the years, mainly heath issues that have affected her family members. And she has very eclectic music tastes that match mine pretty well. She is not as boring as she thinks she is. She is also knowledgeable on fashion and the bar industry and has a natural gift for design and decorating. A lot of things I do like about her.
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Old 07-01-2019, 09:20 PM
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well, first, hearing "I don't know" after telling someone facts is highly annoying. It seems like the person completely disregards your opinion on the matter. I hate that.

And second, by "game" I meant what game was she playing that she made you wait in bed for. You know, computer or cell phone game.

Third, seems strange to me that you can't do things when the "kids" are home.
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Old 07-01-2019, 09:44 PM
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well, first, hearing "I don't know" after telling someone facts is highly annoying. It seems like the person completely disregards your opinion on the matter. I hate that.

And second, by "game" I meant what game was she playing that she made you wait in bed for. You know, computer or cell phone game.

Third, seems strange to me that you can't do things when the "kids" are home.
A little cell phone game where there are rows of blocks you remove. And we do our normal thing when the kids are home but when they are gone it is a little extra treat as we don't have to be as quiet.
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Old 07-01-2019, 10:57 PM
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The kid is 53 yrs old, I just feel more relaxed when we have the house to our self. We obviously still have the nights together when we go to bed but daytime playing around to me is a treat I really look forward to.

I have agreed to go back over and try to talk it out, I was in pretty much of a huff when I walked out the other day. What precluded me walking out I thought was extremely rude. She had to work in 2 hours. She told me to take a quick shower and get in bed and when she finished her game she would take her shower and come to bed, she said about 15 minutes. By the time she got done playing the game close to an hour had gone by and I was already pissed off and no longer in the mood as we now had a 30 minute time slot we had to fit things into. This is when I walked out.



And the "I don"t know" thing she doesn't do to everyone, she does it to her eldest son, one of her nieces and me, we are three people in her life who don't play a submissive roll.


Too easily offended? I’d say yes. Almost to the degree that it looks like you’re looking for reasons to ditch her. Either that or you’re extremely high maintenance. Or both.

Honestly if you hadn’t used pronouns I would have guessed you to be the woman based on the exchanges you describe.
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Old 07-01-2019, 11:34 PM
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Too easily offended? I’d say yes. Almost to the degree that it looks like you’re looking for reasons to ditch her. Either that or you’re extremely high maintenance. Or both.

Honestly if you hadn’t used pronouns I would have guessed you to be the woman based on the exchanges you describe.
I am actually going to agree with you here. I don't have a pattern of this in other relationships, I feel like the words don't match the actions and if I could only get the words to match the actions I might have something. but for some reason she just sets me off. Set me off again a few minutes ago. This time I took some additional steps and blocked her from any kind of future contact. Might take me a few weeks to get over it but I feel good about it right now.
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Old 07-02-2019, 12:56 AM
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I don't know. Some of the things are just symbolic of deeper problems. I’ve found that many people do this.

If it’s just an isolated thing, everything else was perfect and it was a verbal tic, then that’s one thing. If it’s representative of a whole bunch of other actions or attitudes then it’s something else.

Often when people complain, “he always forgets my birthday” or “she never does whatever” then it’s a representative example of not being valued.
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Old 07-02-2019, 01:00 AM
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I agree with the ones who say that "I don't know" in response to a statement (and not a question) is very dismissive and perhaps even calculated to be offensive. It is shooting down someone's factual statement.
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Old 07-03-2019, 02:45 AM
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"i don't know" is the polite way of saying "my god are you fucking nuts!?!?"

It means she thinks you are talking shit, but does not want to turn it into an argument.
Judging from your posting here, you do tend to ramble on around the focus of what you want to say.
Do yourself the favor of testing your same statements against a neutral, knowledgeable third party. Possibly via recording yourself. Maybe you are the one who is losing grip on facts?


And yes. If you found this response offensive, then you ARE too easily offended.
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Old 07-03-2019, 10:21 AM
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At the risk of getting further into the minutiae of "I don't know", how she said would be the most important thing to me. One of my friends and I can discuss all the woes of the world and how things don't make sense and it often ends in a resigned "I don't know", just meaning "I don't get it and am not sure what's going to happen with that particular matter, but I think we've worn out this line of conversation." Not anything bad, just that the topic is stale, and it is a mutual feeling before we move onto something else.

So if you said Smokey is 79 and she said "I don't know", based on her tone did she mean "I didn't know that", "I doubt that", or is it just some acknowledgement/conversation ender?

I think a good response if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of "I don't know" is simply to ask "What do you mean by 'I don't know', are you doubting my statement or just acknowledging it?"
  #45  
Old 07-03-2019, 10:59 AM
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I bought tickets to a Smokey Robinson concert for next week. I made the statement that Smokey was 79 years old, Her response " I don't know" My response, I looked it up he is 79. her response " I don't know".
Enjoy Smokey! My gf recently did ad work for him. She was absolutely bowled over by him and his wife, two of the sweetest people she ever met.[/off topic]
  #46  
Old 07-03-2019, 11:43 AM
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A few years ago I had just started dating a girl I knew from the coffee shop for several years. She was doing some book work and her computer locked up. She asked me if I knew how to fix it. I told her the easiest way was just to restart the computer and she would only loose the entries that were unsaved. She said, " I don't know" I said I do it all the time, believe me it works. " I don't know" A few minutes later Joe comes in, no special qualifications and she asks him and he tells her the same thing she says ok and does it then comes over and tells me that Joe told her how to fix it. I ended the new relationship on the spot, so maybe I am a little hyper sensitive about being ignored but either way I really don't need to put up with it.
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Old 07-03-2019, 11:46 AM
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A few years ago I had just started dating a girl I knew from the coffee shop for several years. She was doing some book work and her computer locked up. She asked me if I knew how to fix it. I told her the easiest way was just to restart the computer and she would only loose the entries that were unsaved. She said, " I don't know" I said I do it all the time, believe me it works. " I don't know" A few minutes later Joe comes in, no special qualifications and she asks him and he tells her the same thing she says ok and does it then comes over and tells me that Joe told her how to fix it. I ended the new relationship on the spot, so maybe I am a little hyper sensitive about being ignored but either way I really don't need to put up with it.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. A person like that is just an ad-homineming machine.
  #48  
Old 07-03-2019, 12:39 PM
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My husband does the "I don't know" thing to me on occasion, and it makes me crazy too. It's only been a handful of times over the course of our relationship, but if it were a regular occurrence it would grow quickly from an annoyance to intolerable.

You do know because I just told you!
  #49  
Old 07-03-2019, 01:17 PM
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The other possibility is that regardless of what you say, all she ever hears is "what do you want to do for dinner?"
  #50  
Old 07-03-2019, 06:37 PM
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My husband does the "I don't know" thing to me on occasion, and it makes me crazy too. It's only been a handful of times over the course of our relationship, but if it were a regular occurrence it would grow quickly from an annoyance to intolerable.

You do know because I just told you!
That is what I say now
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