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Old 01-11-2012, 09:51 PM
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This turkey was killed by hand with a sharp knife


That was on the label of the turkey I cooked last Christmas dinner. I wonder if they put all the causes of death on each and every turkey. I'd like to go down to the packaging plant one day and read all the labels. Oh the humanity.

"This turkey died of a heart attack while sitting at home and watching TV"
"This turkey was killed in a drive-by shooting by a rival chicken gang"
"This turkey died by misadventure in a sky-diving accident when his primary shoot failed to open"
"This turkey drowned while surfing off the Hawaiian coast"
  #2  
Old 01-11-2012, 09:53 PM
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"This turkey had a fighting chance--it was given a knife and turned loose on an island before being hunted down by a professional turkey hunter, also armed only with a knife."
  #3  
Old 01-11-2012, 09:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Isamu View Post
"This turkey died by misadventure in a sky-diving accident when his primary shoot failed to open"
Actually, it was an ill-conceived radio promotion.
  #4  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:06 PM
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*Chute* me now.
  #5  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:13 PM
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This turkey was mown down at dawn
by a bright red sports car
on its way home
from an allnight party
  #6  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:18 PM
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"This turkey acquired a taste for auto-erotic asphyxiation."
"This turkey rolled his Bentley over the guardrail on Hwy 50."
"This turkey did not know that she was allergic to peanut oil."
"This turkey was set on fire and flung over a besieged castle wall."

And this little turkey cried "wee-wee-wee" all the way home.
  #7  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:28 PM
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"This turkey touched Chuck Norris."

"This turkey went insane from too much pot."

"This turkey had a chance, but after it fell in love with a chicken it chose to go to the chicken slaughterhouse with his love instead of living out the rest of his days without her. That would have been a fate worse than death."

"This turkey died in the defense of a grateful nation."

"This turkey died because he was shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give love a bad name."

Last edited by RandMcnally; 01-11-2012 at 10:30 PM.
  #8  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:29 PM
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This turkey choked on someone else's vomit.
  #9  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:33 PM
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This turkey took a dry dive from a hotel room
This one hung himself from a cell in the tombs
This one jumped in front of a subway train
The last one one got slit in the jugular vein
That turkey, I miss it more than all the others,
I salute it, my brother

Last edited by cornflakes; 01-11-2012 at 10:36 PM.
  #10  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:34 PM
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"This turkey was killed in an explosion in a retaliatory killing by the Chicken Mafia. It turns out that he had previous chocked the chicken."

Last edited by RandMcnally; 01-11-2012 at 10:34 PM.
  #11  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:45 PM
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This turkey was bred for rapid weight gain rather than long-term viability, and died horrifically from various medical complications less than a year after its presidential pardon.
  #12  
Old 01-11-2012, 10:48 PM
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This turkey jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
  #13  
Old 01-11-2012, 11:24 PM
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This turkey was killed by Professor Plum, in the Lounge, with the Candlestick.
  #14  
Old 01-11-2012, 11:29 PM
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This turkey was all like "What's the point? I can't fly, I'm huge, I've got these ugly wattle things and I can't even screw properly. Fuck it all." Before it took an overdose, it called a turkicide hotline and by hearing a compassionate voice at the other end it received a new sense of hope and decided that maybe it would give life one more chance. Unfortunately later that day it was run over by an ice cream truck.
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Old 01-11-2012, 11:46 PM
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You guys are all awesome - gave me a laugh when I most needed it.
  #16  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:34 AM
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This turkey choked on someone else's vomit.
This turkey died in a bizarre gardening accident.
  #17  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:36 AM
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This turkey took LSD and jumped out of the turkey coop thinking he was SuperTurkey.

Since the turkey coop was only 18 inches off the ground, he was unharmed. So he tripped balls for several hours, came down, and then had his head chopped off.
  #18  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:49 AM
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This turkey died a lonely, broken old bird who sat out the remainder of his life filled with regret.
  #19  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:09 AM
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After a life of devotion and service to the community, this turkey passed away peacefully at his coop of residence, surrounded by close friends and family. He is survived by his loving wife, 27 children, 19 grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren. His spirit will be sorely missed. Brine for at least 5 hours prior to baking.
  #20  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:43 AM
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This turkey was killed by ten million pounds of slush from New York and New Jersey.

[The Pixies]

This turkey's gone to Heaven...


[/The Pixies]
  #21  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:51 AM
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This turkey was killed humanely by an overdose of reds.
  #22  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:26 AM
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This turkey knew too much.
  #23  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:07 AM
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This turkey was killed trying to cross the road. We have no idea why.
  #24  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:10 AM
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It looks to me as if this turkey was killed somewhere else, then moved here to make it look like an accident.


This turkey committed suicide by wrapping his internal organs in a bag and swallowing them.
  #25  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:17 AM
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This turkey died for the glory of the Fatherland.

This turkey died, but that is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die. Ia! Ia! Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Turkeythulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
  #26  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:41 AM
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This turkey suffered, died and was buried. On the third day it rose again in accordance with ths scriptures. It sitteth on the right hand of Gobble the father, whence it cometh again to judge the tacos and the leftovers.
  #27  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandMcnally View Post
This turkey died a lonely, broken old bird who sat out the remainder of his life filled with regret.
I bet that turkey tasted awful.
  #28  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:01 AM
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This turkey was killed by eating mentos and drinking pepsi.

This turkey refused to renew in the fiery ritual of carousel.

This green globule is a turkey that spontaneously combusted at a jazz/rock festival.

This turkey was drowned in a flood from a burst molasses tank.

This turkey caught a virus and it died last spring.

This turkey was force choked after failing Vader for the last time.

This turkey was shot just to watch it die.

Last edited by Hypno-Toad; 01-12-2012 at 08:02 AM.
  #29  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:03 AM
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This turkey went to a party at the St. Francis with Fatty Arbuckle.

This turkey's car hit the back of a truck outside New Orleans.

This turkey was found in bed with a telephone in one claw.

This turkey fell off a yacht while trying to unlatch the dinghy.
  #30  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:07 AM
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This turkey died suddenly, but luckily, he was a registered donor, so his death will not be in vain.
  #31  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:10 AM
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This turkey went to a party at the St. Francis with Fatty Arbuckle.
You won't have any trouble fitting the stuffing in, then.
  #32  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:49 AM
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This turkey choked to death on a ham sandwich.
  #33  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:01 AM
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This turkey criticised the Dear Leader, and was apprehended by agents of the Department of Revolutionary Solidarity. Under their gentle tutelage, the repentant turkey begged for another chance to serve the collective. The Dear Leader was merciful and granted this request - long live the Dear Leader!

This turkey failed to secure her own oxygen mask before aiding others.

This turkey took a wrong turn into a bad part of town.

This turkey took full responsibility for not preventing the treacherous slaying of its lord.

This turkey burned up on re-entry.
  #34  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:09 AM
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This turkey was an organ donor so don't be expecting any gibblets.
  #35  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:13 AM
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This turkey was killed by hand with a blunt knife.

ETA: it took forever. Please excuse the mess.

Last edited by jjimm; 01-12-2012 at 09:13 AM.
  #36  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:15 AM
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This turkey died of a heart attack while sitting on the toilet.
  #37  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:15 AM
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This turkey was killed by foot with a sharp knife. Quite a lot of money changed hands afterwards, but I still maintain it was a fluke.
  #38  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:21 AM
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This turkey was shot in Reno, by a man who just wanted to watch it die.

This turkey died peacefully in its sleep. The same can't be said of the turkey in the other car.

This turkey was a chemist's.
This turkey is no more,
For what it thought was H20
Was H2SO4.
  #39  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:22 AM
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It is rumored that this Turkey was killed by the CIA after it threatened to go public about its long term relationship with both RFK and JFK. Watch the History Channel tonight at 8 while we explore this topic.
  #40  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:22 AM
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This turkey played with a Ouija board.
  #41  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
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Actually, it was an ill-conceived radio promotion.
As God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly.
  #42  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:27 AM
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This turkey died because it went swimming less than a half hour after eating.
  #43  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:40 AM
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This turkey bravely gave its life while rescuing 16 eggs from a tragic coop fire. (Precooked; reheat at 300 degrees for 30 minutes.)

This turkey was killed while resisting arrest during a protest in Damascus.

This turkey was found dead in bed with an empty can of Dust-Off.

This turkey tugged on Superman's cape,
this turkey spit into the wind,
this turkey pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger
and this turkey messed around with Jim.
  #44  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:47 AM
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This turkey opened the Ark of the Covenant.
  #45  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:49 AM
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Quote:
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This turkey was killed humanely by an overdose of reds.
What did you use for stuffing?
  #46  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:50 AM
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This turkey slept in a room with a fan on. In Korea.
  #47  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:50 AM
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This turkey went "Wee! Wee! Wee!" all the way home. It just HAD to die.
That's my story & I'm sticking to it.


In the livestock farming system, the turkeys are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the farmers, who eviscerate and distribute meat; and the Markets who sell them. These are their stories....
  #48  
Old 01-12-2012, 09:54 AM
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This turkey drowned from looking up in a rainstorm.
  #49  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:00 AM
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"This turkey was assassinated by the CIA."
  #50  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:07 AM
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This turkey was killed while trying to escape.

This turkey was killed by being trampled at a Who concert.

This turkey was killed by choking on it's own scarf while driving.

This turkey died on the 4th of July shortly after uttering the words, "Hey Y'all! Watch this!"

This turkey caught a ride home from Ted Kennedy.

Last edited by Hypno-Toad; 01-12-2012 at 10:09 AM.
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