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  #51  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:09 AM
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This turkey died tangled up in the gears and belt of a treadmill during an ill-conceived experiment to see if it could attain lift-off.

This turkey choked on a pretzel.

Last edited by TruCelt; 01-12-2012 at 10:13 AM.
  #52  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenaroph View Post

. . .

This turkey tugged on Superman's cape,
this turkey spit into the wind,
this turkey pulled the mask off that old Lone Ranger
and this turkey messed around with Jim.
This actually worries me just bit. Not only was I not the only one to come up with this, but somebody else thought of it before I did. This may be a sign of the coming of the Dope-pocalypse.

Last edited by TruCelt; 01-12-2012 at 10:11 AM.
  #53  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:11 AM
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This turkey dreamed of Freddy Krueger. Pre-sliced.
  #54  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:14 AM
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This turkey walked five steps after being subjected to the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.
  #55  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:18 AM
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This turkey took a shower during a thunderstorm.

This turkey was found underneath a Nimitz class aircraft carrier, in the middle of a cornfield in Kansas.
  #56  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:28 AM
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This turkey was texting "LOL" to a friend when suddenly a winter sports enthusiast appeared and threw him into a quarry.
  #57  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:41 AM
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This turkey was assassinated by Mossad. Don't ask why.

This turkey married Henry VIII.

This turkey was defenestrated by a rival turkey.
  #58  
Old 01-12-2012, 10:57 AM
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This turkey isn't really dead, it's just pining for the fjords.
  #59  
Old 01-12-2012, 11:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cornflakes View Post
This turkey took a dry dive from a hotel room
This one hung himself from a cell in the tombs
This one jumped in front of a subway train
The last one one got slit in the jugular vein
That turkey, I miss it more than all the others,
I salute it, my brother
Damn it, you beat me to it. So I'll do the other joke I wanted to make...

This turkey took a knife while arguing in traffic.
This turkey died a natural death, he caught a nasty virus.
  #60  
Old 01-12-2012, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by muldoonthief View Post
What did you use for stuffing?
Stuff it? It wasn't empty!
  #61  
Old 01-12-2012, 11:26 AM
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Turkey
Or not turkey
That is the question.
  #62  
Old 01-12-2012, 11:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RandMcnally View Post
"This turkey was killed in an explosion in a retaliatory killing by the Chicken Mafia. It turns out that he had previous chocked the chicken."
Did the chocks prevent the chicken from rolling?


This turkey was killed by being ingested into a jet engine. It was its first solo flight. He leaves behind two drumsticks, two wings and a sausage preparation.
  #63  
Old 01-12-2012, 11:53 AM
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T is for Turkey who fell down the stairs.
T is for Turkey assaulted by bears.
T is for Turkey who wasted away.
T is for Turkey thrown out of a sleigh.
T is for Turkey who choked on a peach.
T is for Turkey sucked dry by a leech.

etc., etc.
  #64  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:37 PM
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This turkey was second-in-command of Al-Qaeda.
  #65  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:43 PM
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This turkey was killed the old fashioned way.


With a Blunderbuss.
  #66  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:45 PM
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this is an ex-turkey.
  #67  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Telperion View Post
This turkey was second-in-command of Al-Qaeda.
Third.

(Well, maybe second now; I haven't been keeping up with the news of that sort of stuff. But back in the day the org chart was: 1. Osama, 2. Ayman, 3. whoever the Americans just killed).

Last edited by Tom Scud; 01-12-2012 at 12:51 PM.
  #68  
Old 01-12-2012, 12:53 PM
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OJ denies stabbing this turkey to death.

Clinton denies having sex with this turkey.

Weiner denies sending photos of his weiner to this turkey.
  #69  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:10 PM
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This turkey's head jerked back and to the left.
  #70  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:15 PM
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This turkey wouldn't tell Jack Bauer where the Turkey Liberation Front had hidden the bomb.

or

This turkey was introduced in Hour 3 as a new CTU analyst, and died in a "very special moment" in Hour 18.
  #71  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:25 PM
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"I, Sarah Palin, approve the slaughtering of this turkey."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas View Post
OJ denies stabbing this turkey to death.
If the oven mitt does not fit, you must aquit!
Quote:
Clinton denies having sex with this turkey.
That depends on your definition of the word turkey.
  #72  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:42 PM
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This turkey was dating Dr. Steven Kiley.

This turkey was wearing a red Star Fleet shirt.
  #73  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
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This turkey choked on someone else's vomit.
It could have been his own vomit. You can't really dust for vomit.
  #74  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:50 PM
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RE: The OP's turkey I wonder if the butcher was trying to achieve some sort of religious certification for the processing of the turkey's, but missed on a technicality? Maybe Kosher or Halal certification?

If I had gone to all that trouble just to be refused because, say, an employee spilled milk on the floor at lunchtime, or the guy who said the prayers was sick that day, (have no idea whether those are accurate examples, you get my point though) I might put a small blurb on the label hoping that for less strictly observant people it would still leave me one up on the choice over another brand. "Oh, well it's not fully kosher/halal/zoroastrianized, but at least we know this one was killed correctly, and it's only $.02 per pound more. . ."


This turkey picked up a hitchhiker whose brain was squirmin' like a toad.

Last edited by TruCelt; 01-12-2012 at 01:51 PM.
  #75  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:55 PM
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This Turkey was killed by a vengeful Armenian.
  #76  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crown Prince of Irony View Post
This turkey died in a bizarre gardening accident.
This turkey spontaniously combusted while playing drums onstage.

This turkey was shot to death by John Wesley Hardin for snoring too loud.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Susie Derkins View Post
I bet that turkey tasted awful.
Way to kick a turkey when he is down.
  #77  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:57 PM
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This turkey was killed by a Serbian nationalist, which unfortunately led to World War I.

This turkey was killed by being sat on by yo mama, and is wafer thin.

This turkey was the new Number Two, and has been dismissed from duties.
  #78  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:15 PM
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This turkey was replaced by Dick Sargent.
  #79  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:26 PM
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They took this turkey's life, but they'll never take its freedom.
  #80  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:34 PM
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This turkey died of an overdose of tryptophan.
  #81  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:44 PM
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This turkey died in a blogging accident.
  #82  
Old 01-12-2012, 02:59 PM
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This turkey died due to a tragic babelfish error during the masturbation convention (coming to a city near you!).
  #83  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:11 PM
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I can't think of anything, but this thread may be the funniest thing I've ever read. I gave up fighting the tears of joy about 10 minutes ago. Thanks.
  #84  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:16 PM
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This turkey was wearing a red shirt while serving with an Away Team.

This turkey went to the bottom of the Marianas Trench for 20 minutes - unfortunately, his submersible failed. Enjoy your turkey smoothie.

This turkey was killed with a 1920s style death-ray.
  #85  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:26 PM
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It came from Portland.
  #86  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:28 PM
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The last words this turkey heard were "Sic Semper Meleagris!"

This turkey talked about Fight Club.
  #87  
Old 01-12-2012, 06:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
RE: The OP's turkey I wonder if the butcher was trying to achieve some sort of religious certification for the processing of the turkey's, but missed on a technicality?
I think they were trying to distance themselves from that undercover PETA video. Statements like
SPOILER:
"this turkey was mutilated and then kicked to death" and "this turkey was still alive when it was dunked in scalding water to remove its feathers"

do not help a farmer's sales figures; assuring the consumer that this turkey was killed humanely, does.

This turkey stuck its head in an oven.

This turkey was a cello player on the Titanic.
  #88  
Old 01-12-2012, 06:19 PM
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My father was slaughtered by a turkey. He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the turkey appeared and requested a special sword, My father took the job. He slaved a year before it was done.

[I show you the sword. You have never seen its equal.]

The turkey returned and demanded it, but at one tenth his promised price, and my father refused. Without a word, the turkey slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The turkey left me alive, but he gave me these.

[I stroke the scars on my cheeks]

I was eleven years old. And when I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the turkey and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

We finally met this past Thanksgiving. He tasted wonderful.
  #89  
Old 01-12-2012, 06:29 PM
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There are many turkeys like it, but this turkey is mine.
  #90  
Old 01-12-2012, 06:55 PM
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This turkey died in a blogging accident.
This was no blogging accident!
  #91  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:17 PM
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This turkey accidentally cut its own head off with a sharp knife while shaving. I swear that's how it happened, officer.
  #92  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:35 PM
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This turkey died after swallowing a duck that swallowed a chicken.
  #93  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:39 PM
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This turkey didn't think good thoughts, and was sent to the cornfield.

This turkey caught an STD from a chicken hooker.

This turkey is a Martyr For The Revolution.

This turkey fought the law; the law won.

This turkey is a superhero, and will return in a year or two.

This turkey was named Uncle Ben, and will stay dead.
  #94  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:45 PM
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The turkey was certified antibiotic-free, free-range, and organic, but then it took an arrow to the knee.
  #95  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:50 PM
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This turkey had the misfortune of getting between Chuck Norris and The Most Interesting Man In The World.
  #96  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:57 PM
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This turkey died after bring hit by an Orinco tanker in the road. We buried it in the Micmac burial groud. Use caution when preparing.

This turkey died after following his paper boat to the storm drain. One wing missing.

This turkey was raped and murdered on "The Street" and now haunts my house.

This turkey died after coming too close to the spaceship in the ground.

This turkey fell into a laundry folding machine nicknamed "The Mangler".

This turkey was slaughtered by a crazy matri'd in a fancy New York resturant.

This turkey was shot by a three fingered gunslinger in an alternate universe.
  #97  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:00 PM
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This turkey was shot with an arrow under mysterious circumstances, preserved in a glacier for 5000 years, was mistaken for a duck and subjected to a false rumor that its penis had been stolen (turns out it only had a cloaca all along), and then had its likeness tattooed on Brad Pitt's left butt cheek.

It might taste a bit stale.
  #98  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:22 PM
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This turkey was crushed to death by a war elephant.

This turkey died in the gladiatorial arena.

This turkey died after falling and breaking a hip. It was partially eaten by it's sixteen cats. Eat around those parts.

This turkey died because a mistimed fuse down in the mines.

This turkey was shot out of an air cannon at a airplane canopy.
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  #99  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:36 PM
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It was beauty killed this turkey.
  #100  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:43 PM
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This turkey drove off a cliff on a Segway.
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