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  #201  
Old 01-19-2012, 12:12 PM
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This turkey's face stuck that way.

Edit: He asphyxiated.

Last edited by Chopper9760; 01-19-2012 at 12:13 PM.
  #202  
Old 01-19-2012, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runner pat View Post
Actually, it was an ill-conceived radio promotion.
... in Cincinatti?
  #203  
Old 01-19-2012, 02:49 PM
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It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
  #204  
Old 01-19-2012, 02:52 PM
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This turkey is dead because it left its heart in San Francisco.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
And its liver in Kansas City. No giblets included.
And Dr. Hannibal Lechter ate the liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  #205  
Old 01-19-2012, 03:13 PM
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This turkey tried to rob a Gurkha. It is pre-carved.

Regards,
Shodan
  #206  
Old 01-19-2012, 03:25 PM
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This turkey has seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
This turkey watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
Time to die.
  #207  
Old 01-19-2012, 04:17 PM
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This turkey was fighting for its right to live, to exist...and should it have won the day, the 4th Thursday of November should no longer have been known as a human holiday, but as the day when the Meleagris declared in one voice, "We turkeys will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on, we're going to survive!"

Today, this turkey celebrates its Thanksgiving Day!

Well, at least it would if it weren't busy being delicious.



PS - Long time lurker - love this board. You all make my day on a regular basis!
  #208  
Old 01-19-2012, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by TnTangent View Post
Well, at least it would if it weren't busy being delicious.

PS - Long time lurker - love this board. You all make my day on a regular basis!
And a fine way to hit the ground running! Excellent post. Do some more! Welcome.
  #209  
Old 01-20-2012, 09:48 AM
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This turkey was nuked from orbit, it was the only way to be sure.
  #210  
Old 01-20-2012, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Chopper9760 View Post
This turkey was texting "LOL" to a friend when suddenly a winter sports enthusiast appeared and threw him into a quarry.
In point of fact, a group of people strenuously objected to the winter sports enthusiast's actions and permitted this turkey to sit and watch as tons of stuff were thrown into the quarry. The turkey was regaled with food and drink (including some turkey sandwiches made from some of his roommates) and was allowed years of entertainment watching the quarry fill up with old refrigerators and TV's and xbox equipment. The turkey thus lived out a long and happy life and died in its sleep at the ripe old age (for a turkey) of 42 years.

It is suspected that he was dreaming of a sharp knife at the time.
  #211  
Old 01-20-2012, 12:05 PM
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(Future Classic thread!)

This turkey is immortal, born in the Highlands of Scotland four hundred years ago. He is not alone. There are others like him, some good, some evil. For centuries he has battled the forces of Darkness, with Holy Ground his only refuge. He cannot die, unless you take his head and with it, his power. In the end there can be only one. He is your dinner...

This turkey went to see Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre.

This turkey was killed with a stake through the heart. Season liberally with garlic.

Ceci n'est pas une turkey

This turkey is dead... wrapped in plastic.
  #212  
Old 01-20-2012, 12:20 PM
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This turkey followed the chicken across the road. But didn't make it to the other side.
  #213  
Old 01-20-2012, 12:24 PM
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This turkey is a long-time lurker, first-time poster.

(origin of phrase "turkey-lurkey")

Last edited by panache45; 01-20-2012 at 12:25 PM.
  #214  
Old 01-20-2012, 12:34 PM
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This turkey thought the plastic bag was a toy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by panache45 View Post
This turkey is a long-time lurker, first-time poster.

(origin of phrase "turkey-lurkey")
Wouldn't that be "first-time roaster"?
  #215  
Old 01-20-2012, 05:58 PM
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The Burial of Sir Butterball after Corunna

NOT a drum was heard, not a funeral note,
As his body to the roaster we hurried;
Not a soldier discharged his farewell shot
O'er the stove where our hero we curried.

We curried him darkly at dead of night,
The sod with our bayonets turning,
By the struggling moonbeam's misty light
And the lanthorn dimly burning.

No useless coffin enclosed his breast,
Not in sheet or in shroud we wound him;
But he lay like a warrior taking his rest
With his dressings all around him.

Few and short were the prayers we said,
And we spoke not a word of sorrow;
But we steadfastly gazed on the body that was dead,
And we hungerly thought of the morrow.

We thought, as we hollow'd his narrow bed
And smooth'd down his potato pillow,
That the foe and the stranger would feast o'er his head,
And we far away on the billow!

Lightly they'll talk of the spirit that 's gone,
And o'er his cold ashes upbraid him—
But little he'll reck, if they let him sleep on
In the grave where a Briton has laid him.

But half of our heavy task was done
When the clock struck the hour for retiring;
And we heard the distant and random gun
That the foe was sullenly firing.

Slowly and sadly we laid him down,
From the field of his farm fresh and tales merry;
We carved not a line, and we raised not a stone,
But we served him accompanied with berries.
  #216  
Old 01-20-2012, 06:31 PM
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This turkey is not dead.
  #217  
Old 01-20-2012, 06:40 PM
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There is no turkey.
  #218  
Old 01-20-2012, 08:33 PM
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The turkey is a lie.
  #219  
Old 01-20-2012, 09:01 PM
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This turkey spent the night at the Bates Motel.

Last edited by blondebear; 01-20-2012 at 09:02 PM.
  #220  
Old 01-21-2012, 09:59 AM
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This Turkey might


Have stayed alive


Could he have driven


fifty-five


Butterball!


(what, you were expecting Burma-Shave?)
  #221  
Old 01-21-2012, 01:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CalMeacham View Post
This turkey committed suicide by wrapping his internal organs in a bag and swallowing them.
When I first read this I scowled and went on. And then, about four posts down, it finally hit me.

This turkey died of laughter, drowning in snot coming out his nose.
Peace,
mangeorge
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Stop smoking. Do it!
Neither Windshield nor Bug am I.
Give us br'er rabbits.

Last edited by mangeorge; 01-21-2012 at 01:02 PM.
  #222  
Old 01-22-2012, 06:09 AM
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Ahh, the ennui!

Who REALLY wants to be the last poster?
  #223  
Old 01-22-2012, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by alindallas View Post
Ahh, the ennui!

Who REALLY wants to be the last poster?
Well, it won't be you!
  #224  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:03 AM
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This turkey was killed by friendly fire; the Joint Command will conduct a full investigation of this regrettable incident.

This turkey swung by too close to the processing plant to salute an old retired friend.

This turkey is now enjoying the company of seventy two heavenly hens.
  #225  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:06 AM
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*Keyser Soze steps into a limo and is driven away from the turkey*
  #226  
Old 01-22-2012, 03:28 PM
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This turkey painted himself from head to toe in gold paint and died of . . . you know . . . that thing where your skin can't breathe.

This turkey used a bullet to jury-rig a blown fuse in his truck and crashed when it fired and hit him in the hoo-haw. He left behind a lovely widow who is said to be hungry for frog's legs.

This turkey yelled "Look, no hands!" and then, well, the less said the better. Use in place of hamburger as a healthy alternative in your favorite recipe!

This turkey died in a hazing incident. Details are sketchy. Remove all sequins before baking.
  #227  
Old 01-22-2012, 03:54 PM
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This turkey watched Mythbusters and then made the mistake of trying what he had just seen at home. Comes pre-roasted.
  #228  
Old 01-22-2012, 04:59 PM
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Nice work, Argos Watch

This turkey opened the back of the TV set and attempted repair of non-user-serviceable components.

This turkey operated heavy machinery after taking his medication.

For the sake of us men
and for our satiation,
the turkey suffered under the orders
of Pontius Meleagris,
was crucified, died and was buried,
and descended into Hades.


This turkey did not seek immediate medical attention for changes in vision and hearing accompanying a four-hour erection.
  #229  
Old 01-22-2012, 05:02 PM
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This turkey ate nothing but rabbit.
  #230  
Old 01-22-2012, 05:18 PM
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Nobody had this turkey in the Death Pool.
  #231  
Old 01-22-2012, 05:54 PM
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. . .

This turkey opened the back of the TV set and attempted repair of non-user-serviceable components.
. . .
Bravo!

This turkey removed the tags from a mattress and suffered dire penalties. . .
  #232  
Old 01-22-2012, 08:49 PM
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This turkey knew just enough French to get into trouble.

This turkey violated CanCon rules.

This turkey tried to run away from a husky, but that's what huskies do, they run and run, they love to run, and they'll do it all day...

This turkey suffered the wrath of Anonymous.

This turkey lost the card that was put inside the the library book it borrowed.

This turkey smoked within 5 metres of the pumps.

Last edited by Sunspace; 01-22-2012 at 08:49 PM.
  #233  
Old 01-22-2012, 09:22 PM
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This turkey went over Niagra Falls in a barrel.
  #234  
Old 01-23-2012, 10:17 AM
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This turkey had a bad feeling and in the end, The Force was not with him.

This turkey failed to wear reflective clothing (not even blinky shoes) while jogging at night.

This turkey died due to a series of unfortunate events triggered in a different hemisphere by the flutter of a butterfly's wings.

This turkey attempted a daring motorcycle jump and was devoured by a shark.
  #235  
Old 01-23-2012, 11:40 AM
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This turkey thought Batman was not prepared. He is now pre-pared.
  #236  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:00 PM
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This turkey died for our sins.

This turkey went up against a Sicilian when death was on the line. (This turkey is tasteless and odorless; heavy spicing or marinading recommended).

This turkey ate a wafer-thin mint and exploded.
  #237  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:21 PM
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This turkey got its ass handed to itself on a platter.
  #238  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:42 PM
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This turkey was sitting on the Group W bench when it was stabbed by a father-raper - no word on whether or not the knife was sharp.

This turkey was pushed into a deep, black well by her father who later went to the barn and hanged himself in shame.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lieu View Post
This turkey got its ass handed to itself on a platter.
He didn't have two hands or a flashlight, poor bastard never had a chance.
  #239  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:58 PM
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This turkey went over Niagra Falls in a barrel.
This turkey went over Niagra Falls without a barrel. It might taste a bit watery.
  #240  
Old 01-23-2012, 01:18 PM
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This turkey tried to outswim the rip tide. (Pre-brined, just rinse and bake!)
  #241  
Old 01-23-2012, 01:22 PM
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. . . .


This turkey attempted a daring motorcycle jump and was devoured by a shark.
I have to admit, I was kinda hoping this would be the last post.
  #242  
Old 01-23-2012, 02:00 PM
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I have to admit, I was kinda hoping this would be the last post.
Nay, turkey thread can never jump the shark. Never!

This turkey had a fever that could only be cured by more cowbell but there was no cowbell to be had, I blame Will Ferrell.
  #243  
Old 01-23-2012, 02:51 PM
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This Turduncan got her long scarf wrapped around the axel of her open car, causing a broken neck.

We will all dance barefoot in Isadora TurDuncan's honor.

StG
  #244  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:24 PM
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"There must be...500 ways to kill your turkey."

(With apologies to Paul Simon.)
  #245  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:34 PM
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reno


this turkey was shot in reno just to watch it die...
  #246  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:39 PM
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This turkey answered a distress call from LV-426. (Comes pre-butterflied, cook thoroughly on high heat.)
  #247  
Old 01-23-2012, 05:45 PM
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This turkey said "What" again, mother***ker!
  #248  
Old 01-24-2012, 09:08 AM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
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this turkey was shot in reno just to watch it die...
That's the third time so far. Must be a serial killer.
  #249  
Old 01-24-2012, 09:35 AM
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This turkey got a Red Ryder air rifle for Christmas and shot its eye out. The BB lodged in the brain and the poultry surgeons were not able to save the unfortunate bird.
  #250  
Old 01-24-2012, 10:40 AM
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This turkey failed to get a bigger boat whilst sailing around Amity island.
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