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Old 10-04-2019, 11:01 AM
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Objective proof that my wife yells?


My wife yells all the time; at the kids, at me, and at house objects. Whenever I complain, she denies my claims and I have to go through a worse experience: fact-free argument. I need a device with an alarm that would go off when ever the voice goes over a certain level.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:06 AM
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It's not worth it. Either live with it, or seek a divorce. People don't change.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:06 AM
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A hand-held dB meter?

Last edited by campp; 10-04-2019 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:10 AM
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Record her.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Beckdawrek View Post
Record her.
But be prepared for the wrath of wife. "YOU'RE RECORDING ME TO PROVE I YELL??? I DON'T YELLLLLLLLLL!!"
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:15 AM
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Get something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Extech-SL130G.../dp/B000L9PG4U
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:16 AM
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But be prepared for the wrath of wife. "YOU'RE RECORDING ME TO PROVE I YELL??? I DON'T YELLLLLLLLLL!!"
Yeah, I do not see this ending well. You might prove that you're correct, but I don't foresee it being a reasonable conversation.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:20 AM
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Every married man believes you. Any further proof will not serve you well.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:26 AM
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On a factual basis, if you're looking for objective proof, you're gonna have to measure the decibels, or possibly even just the volume. But just the volume loses any real objectivity.
Whether this is a good idea, I'll let you be the judge of that. Report back, eh?
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:30 AM
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It's not worth it. Either live with it, or seek a divorce. People don't change.
Well, a third option is counseling.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:31 AM
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I'm guessing that your wife is the kind of person whom, if she yells at X number of decibels, claims that she isn't "yelling," but when you yell at the same X decibels, it is indeed yelling in her view.

So buy some device that measures decibels (I don't know where to buy it any more than you.) And then when she yells, record it as X decibels. And show it to her. And then you do a similar yell back at X decibels, and show her "see how it is the same number of decibels? I was no louder than you."



Truth be told, though, you actually don't even need to measure decibels. Just record her voice and play it back. Most people hate the sound of their own voice like that.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:35 AM
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Cat anecdote:
I recorded my Siamese cats to show the vet how loud they are. Because, of course, the only thing they do at the Vet office is hiss and spit. (They hate us there, but, I digress)
I played it back for him. He stated that didn't sound too bad. I just stared at him, mouth agape! He turned around to tell me something and asked me to turn the volume down. I had to laugh at that.
Now they hate us AND think I'm crazy. Win-win!

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 10-04-2019 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:43 AM
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If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things.

In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication (tm) this is called, "caring enough to guess". If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, "okay, I'm trying again." And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly.

Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across.

You can achieve miracles with this one tool.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:46 AM
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Probably just the act of recording her, with your phone camera, without any commentary, will make her more self conscious. It will probably also piss her off, but there’s no way around that.

Just for your own edification, it might be interesting to explore what’s really bugging you. Maybe “yelling” as a label doesn’t get to the heart of what’s triggering you. Is it the volume level? The content/criticism? The attitude? The power struggle?
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Ulfreida View Post
If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things.

In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication (tm) this is called, "caring enough to guess". If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, "okay, I'm trying again." And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly.

Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across.

You can achieve miracles with this one tool.
I used to do that to my teens when they were having hissy fits about something. I'd calmly repeat what I determined the problem was. I was generally close to the mark. It diffused the situation, almost instantly. Now they laugh about how I did that.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 10-04-2019 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 10-04-2019, 11:52 AM
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Well, a third option is counseling.
True. You could sink a lot of time and money into a process that'll determine that people don't change and you guys just won't work

Last edited by Kobal2; 10-04-2019 at 11:54 AM. Reason: ns
  #17  
Old 10-04-2019, 11:56 AM
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Well, a third option is counseling.
Said counselor generally counsels: "live with it or leave".
  #18  
Old 10-04-2019, 11:57 AM
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http://arthur-clarke-fansite.blogspo...inch-wife.html

"A man - a sound engineer - feels harassed by his wife, because she speaks too much! After one of their numerous quarrels (wife thinks she hardly speaks, ever!), he decides to do something about it.

Result is what Clarke calls Word Counter (I think), but a more appropriate name would be "Wife Silencer". Or may be "Spouse Silencer", to be politically correct.

This is an ingenious piece of electronics that can isolate words in spoken language, & can associate each word with a speaker. When switched on, every word the wife utters in the living room will increment a very visible counter called Hers; & man's word will increment the counter named His."
  #19  
Old 10-04-2019, 12:00 PM
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Quote:
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Well, a third option is counseling.
Counseling for what? She doesn't yell.
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Old 10-04-2019, 12:25 PM
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is it yelling or is it raised voice? perhaps she needs her hearing checked?

yelling == "what the hell are you doing now, I told you once,....", where raised voice is 'normal conversation" only louder.

My brother in law was always "yelling", then he got a new hearing aid.
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Old 10-04-2019, 12:34 PM
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I think the idea of "objective proof" indicates a profound and I mean profound misunderstanding on your part of what relationships consist of. You might go to counseling by yourself first. But do not be surprised if the news is that both of you will have to change if you want to stay together. You sound perfectly infuriating, to be honest.
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Old 10-04-2019, 12:58 PM
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Some people raise their voices to blow off steam or merely because they're passionate about something.. It's not verbal aggression, though some people take any raised voices that way. I think some of it depends on how we're raised. If you were raised to see raising your voice as cathartic, but your spouse was raised to consider it an act of aggression, you're going to have to come to an understanding.

I suspect since the OP's wife does this with inanimate objects as well as him and the kids, she's blowing off steam. She may not consider it "yelling" or even be aware she's doing it.
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Old 10-04-2019, 01:05 PM
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Unless this behavior was present long ago, I'mma go with simster on this one: her hearing's going and she has no idea how loud she really is.

Q: Along with the yelling, does she also turn the TV up too much and complain that everybody mumbles? Just guessing, here.
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Old 10-04-2019, 01:25 PM
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We don't "yell". You are simply suffering from Hyperacusis.
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Old 10-04-2019, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by The Sheikh View Post
My wife yells all the time; at the kids, at me, and at house objects. Whenever I complain, she denies my claims and I have to go through a worse experience: fact-free argument. I need a device with an alarm that would go off when ever the voice goes over a certain level.
You need a marriage counselor. Seriously.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:30 PM
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You need a marriage counselor. Seriously.
So that the counselor can hear her yell? Sounds more expensive than a recording device.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:39 PM
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Mr.Wrekker does a funny thing if he knows I'm perturbed. He leaves the house. It's hard to yell at someome who's not there.
I'm generally not a noise maker when I'm peeved, but he can read my face pretty good. After being out of site for a while he'll text me and ask can he come home.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:44 PM
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Insert earplugs into your ears every time she yells.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:49 PM
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Yeah, I do not see this ending well. You might prove that you're correct, but I don't foresee it being a reasonable conversation.
Quite so.

It's one thing to measure noise as a scientific experiment or to establish a basis for a noise pollution complaint.
But in a marriage, all it generally does is start a furious argument.

Successful marriage is about communication, not proving your partner is wrong.
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Old 10-04-2019, 03:56 PM
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There are plenty of android apps that are sufficiently good sound meters for your you-will-regret-it purpose.
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Old 10-04-2019, 04:30 PM
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OP, I've been pondering this problem today. I'm agreed you will regret proving to her she's yelling, ever how you plan to do it. Can you not sit down with her and in a non-confrontational way and gently talk about it?
You can't say "You yell too much", start with "I know you get upset when things aren't right" and ask her how you can help her not be so upset all the time.
Good luck.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 10-04-2019 at 04:30 PM.
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Old 10-04-2019, 05:23 PM
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I have ADHD, and one of the facets of that is volume control. I'm better now, because I learned how to tell from feel that my speaking voice was loud.

But when this happens, often I don't hear myself speaking loudly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulfreida View Post
...try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication (tm) this is called, "caring enough to guess". If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, "okay, I'm trying again." And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly.

Notice you do not have to agree with her, or to solve the problem (men generally prefer to solve the immediate problem rather than acknowledge the emotion). All you have to do is listen carefully and try to paraphrase your understanding of what she is trying to get across.

You can achieve miracles with this one tool.

This, repeated, so very much this.

I learned this as a technique called active listening, and it works wonders. A good counselor would train you in this. Or tell you if it's hopeless.


Ask yourself this - why is it so important to you to prove to her that she's yelling? A person can tell you basic facts - "the sky is blue, dinner is ready" - at top volume... and they can abuse you - "you're a waste of space" in low volumes.

So, if it's the message that is actually the problem, address the message, not the volume.

If it's the volume, frame it in terms of yourself, not her - "You sound awfully loud to me". Going back to what I said at the first - even if you are objectively right, her perception of what is going on is different. Framing it in terms of your perception, rather than trying to force her to admit to a reality that she is not experiencing, and you will find that she doesn't argue with you, and you might get to the point where you can give her the feedback that you want to give her and get the result you want.

And, if it's just that you have to prove that you're right? Then you yourself have a problem, because a) you simply can't be right all the time, and b) you need to recognize when "being right" is simply not important. And if you are ok with what she is saying, and her volume isn't causing you distress, then that she is shouting should be immaterial to you.


TL; DR - figure out first what you want and work toward that. And if what you want is for her to admit you're right... you're already wrong.
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Old 10-04-2019, 05:52 PM
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If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things.

In my experience, the reason people usually yell is because they do not believe they are being heard. That is to say, understood, recognized, respected, empathized with. Before you do something as counterproductive as you suggest, instead try repeating back your understanding of what she said, in a calm, respectful, voice. In Non-Violent Communication (tm) this is called, "caring enough to guess". If she says, NO, WHAT I SAID WAS, say, "okay, I'm trying again." And try again until she says, yes that is it exactly.
That sounds like if she's yelling, it must be his fault. He just needs to be more calm and respectul.

I bet she'd agree 100%.
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Old 10-04-2019, 06:44 PM
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That sounds like if she's yelling, it must be his fault. He just needs to be more calm and respectul.

I bet she'd agree 100%.
There are some marital problems that are entirely one person's fault (like violence, gaslighting, or actual sociopathy). But mostly it takes two to tango.
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Old 10-04-2019, 07:04 PM
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I had an Aunt who screamed and yelled at my uncle and their kids, the dogs, anyone, really. She was told about it all the time. She finally shut up after a particularly vicious intervention. She started throwing things after that. The whole thing kinda blew up in their faces.
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Old 10-04-2019, 07:17 PM
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Some people raise their voices to blow off steam or merely because they're passionate about something.. It's not verbal aggression, though some people take any raised voices that way. I think some of it depends on how we're raised. If you were raised to see raising your voice as cathartic, but your spouse was raised to consider it an act of aggression, you're going to have to come to an understanding.

I suspect since the OP's wife does this with inanimate objects as well as him and the kids, she's blowing off steam. She may not consider it "yelling" or even be aware she's doing it.
Yes, I was going to suggest that one possible explanation is that the OP and his wife were raised in different environments with different attitudes toward raising one's voice. In wife's family of origin, raising one's voice might have been common whenever the speaker was feeling excited or upset or frustrated or emotional (in a positive or negative way). In the OP's family of origin, maybe everyone pretty much always spoke softly—or maybe, when they did yell, it always meant serious anger or abuse.


Or, maybe the OP's wife is gaslighting him.
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Old 10-04-2019, 09:37 PM
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My ex was a screamer, when someone will lie right to your face or deny reality, you've already lost the game if you are trying to prove to her that she yells, she doesn't respect you enough to have an honest discussion about it, people who can't talk frankly, and honestly about relationship issues are childish and passive aggressive so like everyone said, learn to live with it, or leave.
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Old 10-04-2019, 09:50 PM
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JohnClay! You bastard! Welcome back!
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Old 10-04-2019, 10:06 PM
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If she is actually yelling at you and denying it, using a device is likely to make the situation worse. People engaging in abusive behavior and denying it are generally not going to respond with 'oh, your phone app reads a 7, I was mistaken and you were correct, I will stop yelling at you now'. If talking to her about the behavior doesn't work, your options are pretty much 'get to a therapist' (which, if she denies yelling, is kind of unlikely), 'live with it', or 'leave'. I used to have a partner who would yell at me for hours and do a mix of denying it or claiming we were just yelling at each other if I eventually raised my voice in response. There wasn't any good solution, and if I encountered the situation again I'd simply exit as expediously as possible.

Quote:
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If you did that to me I would start throwing things at you. Sharp things.
I agree, I would also not be surprised if someone who yells at you but denies it would escalate to domestic violence at some point if you don't simply accept their abuse.
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Old 10-04-2019, 10:23 PM
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well some people cant really tell the volume of their own voice ...people say im either yelling or mumbling all the time when they both sound the same to me .......

However this idea seems ot be a dumpster fire .....

Last edited by nightshadea; 10-04-2019 at 10:23 PM.
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Old 10-05-2019, 07:13 AM
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Arguing about if she’s yelling or not hasn’t gotten you anything, and even technical proof isn’t going to change that. So rather than rehashing that argument over and over: when she talks in a way you do not find acceptable, tell her that you do not like her talking to you in that way. “I’m not yelling!” “Fine, yelling or not, I don’t like you talking to me like that. Please don’t”. If it continues, walk out. Every time. And of course, don’t talk to her in that way either. The other thing is lowering your voice when she raises hers. Because odds are you are both yelling, and it may not be her who started to yell in some or many of the yell-fests.
You cannot change her behavior. You can only change yours, and hope it prompts change in the dynamic. Also, start pricing divorce lawyers.

Last edited by Isosleepy; 10-05-2019 at 07:15 AM.
  #42  
Old 10-05-2019, 07:31 AM
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One of my sisters would go into a "sweet little girl" voice whenever she was talking to anybody she didn't know and used her normal voice for everyone else. Everyone called her on it until we recorded her doing this, and despite the fact we had literally just recorded it in front of her and played back when she had just said a minute ago, she literally claimed that "wasn't her".

Some people have the most bizarre hang-ups about their perceived voice.
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Old 10-05-2019, 08:53 AM
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Ditch this plan in its entirety and do something very, very different. Bazz-amm! Problem solved! If your arm hurts when you go like "this" then the solution is to stop doing "this" with your arm.
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Old 10-05-2019, 08:59 AM
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Where did the OP go? Ten bucks says he was beaten to death with his giant 1980's tape recorder he had taped to his chest!
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Last edited by pool; 10-05-2019 at 08:59 AM.
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Old 10-05-2019, 09:15 AM
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Agree, the issue is far more that yelling, but on the off chance the OP has an Apple Watch I just read one of the new features they've added is a dB meter that can track and warn you when you are being exposed to unsafe sounds levels.

Although there's a high risk of her ripping the watch off his wrist and smashing it.
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Old 10-05-2019, 09:52 AM
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The kind of technique I was taught was to forget the objective realities and "who's right,/wrong/the better person", but simply to say something like "When you talk to me like that, it makes me feel XYZ and I can't deal sensibly with whatever's upsetting you. I could understand it better if you can explain it calmly and quietly."
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Old 10-05-2019, 11:16 AM
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I think OP could find a better place to seek advice on this topic.
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Old 10-05-2019, 12:18 PM
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I think OP could find a better place to seek advice on this topic.
Well he cant go to his life-partner, she's got a penis!
  #49  
Old 10-05-2019, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by The Sheikh View Post
My wife yells all the time; at the kids, at me, and at house objects. Whenever I complain, she denies my claims and I have to go through a worse experience: fact-free argument. I need a device with an alarm that would go off when ever the voice goes over a certain level.
Oh wow, this is not a good place to start from...

First, do you and she mean the same thing by "yell"? To my husband, who grew up in a small apartment where it was important not to disturb the neighbors, "yelling" means "speaking too loudly". To me, an accusation of "yelling" in the midst of an argument is about tone of voice, not raw volume. Hollering from one end of the large house I grew up in to the other end was normal, congenial behavior. My husband used to deny that he ever yelled until we realized we meant different things.

Second, why do you care that she yells? Is it just about volume? Does she even know that ticks you off? I have tried to be quieter (and walk across the house to find my husband, rather than the normal (to me) "hey, where are you?" way of finding others.) since realizing how much he cares -- about something that seems completely irrational to me, by the way. God gave us voices for a reason.

Third, it can be hard to moderate your own volume especially when you are excited. I actually HAVE a device that goes off when my voice it too loud -- when I use Skype it warns me "you are too close to the speaker" when I talk too loud. I find this somewhat embarrassing, and always drop my volume when it says that, but that doesn't mean it never says that. By the way, it has NEVER said that because I was yelling at someone, only because I got excited (usually in a good way) and my voice was too loud.

Finally, if you have gotten to the point where you are keeping track and counting all the times your wife bugs you, you should either seek therapy or split up. That's a bad place to be, and actually measuring her volume isn't going to lead to greater happiness or harmony.
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Old 10-05-2019, 03:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nelliebly View Post
Some people raise their voices to blow off steam or merely because they're passionate about something.. It's not verbal aggression, though some people take any raised voices that way. I think some of it depends on how we're raised. If you were raised to see raising your voice as cathartic, but your spouse was raised to consider it an act of aggression, you're going to have to come to an understanding.

I suspect since the OP's wife does this with inanimate objects as well as him and the kids, she's blowing off steam. She may not consider it "yelling" or even be aware she's doing it.
I don't even view raising my voice as "cathartic". I do it when I'm trying be heard (perhaps at the other end of the house) or when I get overly excited. Yes, it can happen in the midst of an argument, but that's hardly the only time.

But yes, in my husband's family, a loud voice meant verbal aggression, and a violation of social norms.
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