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Old 11-27-2019, 04:54 PM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
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The tenth, eleventh and twelfth circles of Hell


I was Ubering home yesterday when I heard it. The vanguard of the invasion. The ever-encroaching start to The Season. Yes, it was a Christmas song, shoving aside Thanksgiving and stepping over its prone body, the beginning of the month-long Jingle Hell.

As I cringed and covered my ears, I thought about the other things I hate having to listen to. To wit, annoying commercials, and "All hail Trump" political circle-jerks. (The latter is the one I spend the most time running from; I have a great many loud family members who believe everything on Fox). I started playing a little would-you-rather game with myself: if I had to choose, and sticking an icepick in my eardrums wasn't an option, would I rather have the jingles, the commercials, or the politics?

That lead to the following horrifying thought: what if all three were combined?

Imagine, if you will, a jingle marathon sponsored by the RNC. Imagine a radio that you can't turn off, playing "Donald the Orange-Wigged Genius", "White Christians", "We Three Amigos", etc. All the vocals are done by Mitch McConnell and/or Devin Nune's cow.

And after every jingle, a commercial wherein a twee brat (secretly Mitch on helium) sings about how you should call 1-877-R'S-FOR-KIDS. Nah, some things are too evil even for Mitch McYertle.
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Old 11-27-2019, 05:03 PM
kaylasdad99 is online now
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If ice picks through your tympani is off the table, what about the elimination of one or more of the elements of your handle?
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Old 11-27-2019, 05:47 PM
Great Antibob is offline
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Here in the Houston area, that shit was on the radio before Veteran's Day, and I died a little inside.
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Old 11-27-2019, 05:57 PM
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I have hope.

Due to the fact that I successfully avoided Pumpkin Spice Anything this fall! And have steered clear of any big stores (the worst purveyors of "Christmas Music That Would Make Jesus Cranky"). And we've declared our big holiday meals a Politics-Free Venue*.


*In-laws are all left of Liz 'n' Bern, my family's just a bit to the right of Goebbels.
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Old 11-27-2019, 07:13 PM
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Oh, I also googled "christmas music radio station list" to figure out which to avoid.

Glad I did, so I don't have to wait til I stumble on it by mistake. Found out my favorite oldies station will be Nothin' But Baby Jesus come tomorrow.

But also found a scary article:
Quote:
A local radio station will flip to all Christmas music with a country twist starting on Thanksgiving Day.

Hank AM 1550 and 97.7 FM will flip to all country Christmas music Thursday, and stay with it through Christmas Day, officials said.

Hank will play Christmas music entirely by country music stars, past and present.
And the baby Jesus didst say unto the shepherds, "What fresh hell is this?"
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Old 11-27-2019, 10:34 PM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaylasdad99 View Post
If ice picks through your tympani is off the table, what about the elimination of one or more of the elements of your handle?
A most excellent idea.

(At work today they were looping Christmas music in the waiting room. Thank anyone-but-baby-Jesus I work in the back).
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Old 11-27-2019, 10:39 PM
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You wouldn't want to visit my humble abode...

I collect old Seeburg Background Music System records, a weird 9" format that has 20 songs per side and plays only on Seeburg machines.
In the 60s and 70s, this was a service for background music in stores. Seeburg would send out a new set of records every month to swap out some from your current stack of 25 that you had running in your machine.

And I am overcome with joy because I just received my Christmas Records!

...a rather grungy set from the 1960s procured on eBay. There were 9 records in the set. At 20 songs per side, that's a substantial dose of old-fashioned Christmas background music.

As soon as they came in, I loaded up the freshly refurbished Seeburg 1000 machine and filled the house with old-school renditions of Silver Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Winter Wonderland, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and whatever else we heard in stores back then.
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Old 11-28-2019, 07:31 AM
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(Hijack) Seeburg system — interesting! I love how one of the original three musical genres was “industrial” (uptempo music, to get workers to produce stuff more quickly, not Skinny Puppy), and how another genre, “mood,” was renamed “penthouse” in the 70s.
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Old 11-28-2019, 11:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malleus, Incus, Stapes! View Post
All the vocals are done by Mitch McConnell and/or Devin Nune's cow.
Why settle for McConnell or the cow when you could have them done by the stable genius himself. Just like he did with God Bless America.

"mumble mumble hmm hmm mumble, FA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA mumble mumble something something mumble, FA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA LA ...

Last edited by Buck Godot; 11-28-2019 at 11:02 AM.
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Old 11-28-2019, 12:33 PM
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Just leaving this here: The Way Too Early Christmas Song
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Old 11-29-2019, 02:07 PM
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Q: Where is the "Swingin' Saturnalia" music when we need it?
A: Start composing.

Q: Why do we have so much Xmas (winter solstice) music but not much Easter (spring fertility rite) music?
A: Fewer sales opportunities in the spring.

Q: Can we just wear earplugs when in public this season?
A: I do.

Q: Where are the Tom Lehrer and Stan Freburg Xmas songs when we need them?
A: uTube is your friend.
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