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Old 02-13-2020, 07:58 PM
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You shouldn't have to tell someone this is a bad idea.


I have a daughter in med school and a son doing rotations as a PA (Physician's Assistant) and there are lots of interesting conversations.

My son is finishing his rotation in a large ER and had a patient today, and shared a story that took the cake.

So, here is the advice I will give based on the lesson learned.

If you are a woman and if you have a strong urge to... umm... self stimulate, something made of latex is a good idea. Something made of steel may not be... especially if it is loaded, and even more important is don't put your finger anywhere near the trigger.

She's going to live but doesn't have the parts to be stimulated anymore, and will likely walk funny (have fun explaining that).
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:09 PM
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You're being a bit too discreet... Are you saying she masturbated with a gun?

If so...yeah, that's kind of obviously a bad idea. (I've occasionally seen it in rule 34 of gunslinger characters...that's always a back-button moment for me, because...who would think it was a good idea?!)
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:11 PM
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I wonder if it was for a fetish video.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:22 PM
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You're being a bit too discreet
Really... you thought that was too subtle? Steel... Loaded... Trigger... blew off her clitoris.

Yes, that is exactly what happened.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:26 PM
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Trigger... blew off her clitoris.
Nobody will ever be able to find it now.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:30 PM
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[Moderating]
Moving to MPSIMS, where it was apparently intended.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:31 PM
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Holy crap.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:44 PM
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[Moderating]
Moving to MPSIMS, where it was apparently intended.
Yeah, I'm sorry... I could try to stretch things to make it seem like arts or food, but I'm not sure I could pull it off. Thanks for restoring the world order.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:48 PM
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Nobody will ever be able to find it now.
Maybe it will be easier... it's on the wall by the bullet hole.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:49 PM
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Holy crap.
Doesn't sound like that's what she put an (extra) hole in.
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:51 PM
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Reminds me of that young woman named Alice....
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Old 02-13-2020, 08:59 PM
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Maybe it will be easier... it's on the wall by the bullet hole.
As opposed to ... ew, never mind!
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:01 PM
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Nobody will ever be able to find it now.
I laughed.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:06 PM
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Gun Safety:
Rule 1 - All guns are always loaded.
Rule 2 - Never let the muzzle cover anything you are not willing to destroy.
Rule 3 - Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are aligned with the target.
Rule 4 - Be sure of your target and its surroundings.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:12 PM
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I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:14 PM
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Reminds me of that young woman named Alice....
Who used a gun as a phallus...
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:15 PM
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I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.
Depends on which way the gun was pointed, wouldn't it?
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:16 PM
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Who used a gun as a phallus...
Dynamite stick.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:36 PM
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I could try to stretch things....
I imagine she did too.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:39 PM
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I know a criminal defense attorney who has described his most disturbing case as involving a similar scenario, except the woman did not live and the defendant was the one who wanted to claim that the gun was being used as a sexual aid.

When working criminal cases, you are often exposed to graphic autopsy or accident scene photos, but he said the pictures from this case were the worst thing he’d ever seen.
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Old 02-13-2020, 09:50 PM
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When working criminal cases, you are often exposed to graphic autopsy or accident scene photos, but he said the pictures from this case were the worst thing he’d ever seen.
On Forensic Files, this would be called "a sign of rage."
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  #22  
Old 02-13-2020, 10:10 PM
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I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.
Missed this... yes it is being investigated.
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Old 02-13-2020, 10:20 PM
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Huh, I guess guns really are penis substitutes. Next we'll see a case of a woman getting run over by a fancy sports car while using is as a penis substitute.
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Old 02-13-2020, 10:24 PM
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I'm not sure if it was true or not but I read an alleged case once where a guy injected cocaine into his penis and developed gangrene and had not only his penis but both his legs amputated.
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Last edited by pool; 02-13-2020 at 10:27 PM.
  #25  
Old 02-13-2020, 10:33 PM
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...They found her vagina in North Carolina...

Last edited by TreacherousCretin; 02-13-2020 at 10:34 PM.
  #26  
Old 02-13-2020, 10:44 PM
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... and bits of her tits in Dallas.
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Old 02-13-2020, 10:46 PM
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And then there was the young girl named Jill....
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Old 02-13-2020, 11:07 PM
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There was a young girl named Alice
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now poor Alice... yeah I've got nothing here.

Maybe Deloris, Mulva?
  #29  
Old 02-13-2020, 11:09 PM
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I saw an interview with Bill Lawrence (showrunner for Scrubs.) He had some friends who had gone through med school and were doing their residencies. He'd get together and drink with them, and he couldn't get over how hilarious their stories were. That's how he came up with the idea for the show. Some of the early stories were straight from his friends.
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Old 02-13-2020, 11:22 PM
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There was an Okie named Alice.
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now her clit is in Dallas

Am I spending way too much time trying to scrub this picture out of my brain with an attempt at humor?
  #31  
Old 02-13-2020, 11:26 PM
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There was an Okie named Alice.
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now her clit is in Dallas
Good one!
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  #32  
Old 02-13-2020, 11:28 PM
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I wonder if she's claiming self infliction to protect somebody.

It doesn't sound like something a woman would normally be into.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spud View Post
Missed this... yes it is being investigated.
Good! because honestly, that sounds more plausible than "she used a loaded gun as a dildo".
  #33  
Old 02-13-2020, 11:46 PM
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Good! because honestly, that sounds more plausible than "she used a loaded gun as a dildo".
Target practice?
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  #34  
Old 02-14-2020, 12:08 AM
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... and bits of her tits in Dallas.
Doesn't scan. It's "And part of her anus in Dallas."
  #35  
Old 02-14-2020, 12:57 AM
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And then there was the young girl named Jill....
Who used a dynamite stick for a thrill...

They found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil

Last edited by TreacherousCretin; 02-14-2020 at 12:59 AM.
  #36  
Old 02-14-2020, 12:58 AM
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One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off.

Last edited by pkbites; 02-14-2020 at 01:02 AM.
  #37  
Old 02-14-2020, 02:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Spud View Post
There was a young girl named Alice
Who used a gun as a phallus
And when she got hot
She heard a loud shot
And now poor Alice...

...seems much more callus?
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Old 02-14-2020, 03:36 AM
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Was she listening to "Happiness Is a Warm Gun"?
  #39  
Old 02-14-2020, 03:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbites View Post
One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off.
Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.
  #40  
Old 02-14-2020, 06:13 AM
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It was an honest mistake. She just got the saying...

This is my rifle
This is my gun
This ones for fighting
This ones for fun

A little backward.
  #41  
Old 02-14-2020, 06:40 AM
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Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.
You've never heard of "flicking your bean" as an expression for female self-pleasure?

There's even a beer out there called ""Bean Flicker"; it's made with coffee flavors, but the name is of course a reference to the slang term.
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Old 02-14-2020, 06:42 AM
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In the style of Cormac McCarthy (hat tip AV Club):

"Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife Jennifer squatted in the cracked terracotta terrain of New Mexico and dug her heels into the carpet and holstered the Smith & Wesson in the capacious hollow of her vagina. The gun flashed silver before it disappeared inside her as she had disappeared inside the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend on Aventura Road. Jennifer thought of space aliens and squared the gun in her vagina.

....

The police report paid no mind to what the argument was about besides “space aliens” and that she had left home because of it. When Jennifer had returned to Aventura Road the auric moonlight had cast long shadows on the crags and lava scree of the surrounding floodplain and then on her figure as she put the gun deep inside her concavity. The floodplain out there broad and quiet. The heft of the Smith & Wesson cold and steely in her vagina.

....

The police report would say Jennifer was arrested on a felony charge of aggravated assault and handcuffed and taken away. Cormac McCarthy would say nothing. There werent nothing to say against the crushing black void of the universe or of your ex-wife's vagina. There werent nothing to say about a thing like that except that the world continued its cold and relentless circling and that maybe he had known already that women do strange things with their vaginas and that if you asked him he was glad to be rid of it.

Who is crazy, you or me? she had asked.

The gun in her vagina did the talking on that."
  #43  
Old 02-14-2020, 08:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pkbites View Post
One of my first calls I got sent to alone as a new Deputy in the early 80's was a medical incident.

SPOILER:

A womans boyfriend drank himself limp. So he started giving it to her with an empty glass beer bottle. But the pumping motion caused a vacuum along with some kind of involuntary muscle spasm and the bottle got stuck in her 'gina with only about 1 inch of the bottle sticking out, the rest up inside her.
There were marks on her inner thigh from his knee, indicating he braced himself as he tried furiously to pull it out. When I and paramedics arrived she was on her back on the floor screaming at him that he didn't even make her cum. Massive doses of muscle relaxers and sedatives didn't help. She had to go into surgery and they had to get air into the bottle to get it out.


Then there are the numerous choke and stroke (auto erotic asphyxiation) deaths I've responded to. People have really messed themselves up trying to get off. But I've yet to be at one where a lady shot her bean off.

Why Pete Beitz retired from the Sheriffs Office early
Maybe after an anecdote like that, you omit the .sig line...
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Old 02-14-2020, 08:46 AM
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Is this what they mean by a “vaginal discharge”?
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Old 02-14-2020, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Machine Elf View Post
You've never heard of "flicking your bean" as an expression for female self-pleasure?

There's even a beer out there called ""Bean Flicker"; it's made with coffee flavors, but the name is of course a reference to the slang term.
I've led a sheltered life, what can I say?
()

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 02-14-2020 at 09:58 AM.
  #46  
Old 02-14-2020, 02:43 PM
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Awwww! Bean is a cute name for it.
I've always liked "little man in a boat."
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Old 02-14-2020, 04:50 PM
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"Ammosexual" should be an internet meme, not an actual sexual practice.
  #48  
Old 02-14-2020, 05:25 PM
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After her last boyfriend failed to satisfy her, she decided she needed a lover of a higher caliber.
  #49  
Old 02-14-2020, 05:46 PM
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After her last boyfriend failed to satisfy her, she decided she needed a lover of a higher caliber.
Her next relationship was a real blast, but unfortunately a one-shot affair.
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  #50  
Old 02-14-2020, 05:52 PM
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Gun Safety:
Rule 1 - All guns are always loaded.
I know what you mean, but I think this needs to be phrased a little less ambiguously.
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