View Poll Results: Which one??
Thankful 21 11.54%
Weirded out 161 88.46%
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  #1  
Old 06-14-2019, 11:54 AM
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I did a nice gesture.....we'll see if it's appreciated or not


So, I know this person from the gym. We talk for a short bit every day. Her lawnmower is broken, and can't get it to the shop in her car. She isn't fussy about keeping the lawn too maintained. Said her crummy lawn hasn't been cut in about a month.

I only know her by first name, but have heard her say her last name a time or two. Easy to figure out where she lives going roughly by where she has said she lives, and looking on the town tax database.

So, I went over today and cut the lawn. Took me 15 minutes. She didn't have a clue that I was going to do this.


Would you be appreciative that it was done, or wierded out that I had to look up the address???


I did it to be nice.

Last edited by LiveFree; 06-14-2019 at 11:56 AM.
  #2  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:03 PM
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Should be an option for "both." Why would you not just offer first?
  #3  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:03 PM
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It was not nice that you dug around to find out where she lives. It was a real invasion of her privacy and one you should never, ever repeat.

If a situation like this ever comes up again, you should offer to help out, rather than sneaking around. The sneaking is where the creepy came in.

All in all, a nice thought but very poorly executed.
  #4  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:05 PM
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Let me guess, she's pretty?
  #5  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:06 PM
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Let me guess, she's pretty?

She's NOT pretty. 😀
  #6  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:04 PM
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Yeah, that seems pretty creepy to me. Why did you have to do it that way? Why not just "Hey, I can come over and mow it" and see what she says?
  #7  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:10 PM
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I say pretty creepy. The idea that someone would look up my address, come to my house and mess around with my property in my yard when I'm not there and didn't approve it, is really not ok. You should have just asked first.
  #8  
Old 06-15-2019, 11:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunny Daze View Post
It was not nice that you dug around to find out where she lives. It was a real invasion of her privacy and one you should never, ever repeat.

If a situation like this ever comes up again, you should offer to help out, rather than sneaking around. The sneaking is where the creepy came in.

All in all, a nice thought but very poorly executed.
How in the name of common sense can it be an "invasion of privacy" when that information is PUBLICLY available?

You remind me of the people who think that it's illegal to take pictures in public spaces.


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I say pretty creepy. The idea that someone would look up my address, come to my house and mess around with my property in my yard when I'm not there and didn't approve it, is really not ok. You should have just asked first.
Once upon a time, there were people who would come onto your property without your permission, and collect information regarding your living habits. It didn't matter whether you wanted them there or not. And it did no good to complain to the police, because--believe it or not--these nefarious activities were sanctioned by the local government.

Those creepy people were called "meter readers."
  #9  
Old 06-16-2019, 12:16 AM
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...
Those creepy people were called "meter readers."
So, they were people who had a legitimate and pre-established reason to be on your property and their behavior was governed by rules and regulations? That's nothing like what we're discussing.

Given the OP's two other bizarre threads, I don't for a minute think this really happened and we are instead reacting to a fantasy that has only played out here and in his head, but as a hypothetical exercise, it represents a violation of this person's privacy. Privacy can be violated even by using publicly available. For example, someone could probably dox you based on your posts here on a public message board, but that practice is rightfully prohibited here because it represents a violation of our privacy. There is no legitimate reason for someone to dox you and there is no legitimate reason for someone to research public records to find your home, come on to your property and mow your lawn. In fact that would be trespassing and the woman in this scenario (if she exists) would be within her rights to pursue action.
  #10  
Old 06-16-2019, 03:06 AM
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How in the name of common sense can it be an "invasion of privacy" when that information is PUBLICLY available?

You remind me of the people who think that it's illegal to take pictures in public spaces... ."
Oh come on. There are degrees of behaviour, and you know it...

Taking a picture of a public space in which I happen to be; not illegal, and fine.

Parking outside my house until I leave and following me all day taking pictures from behind bushes with a telephoto lens, then making a montage on you basement wall above a table with a tiny doll with my face stuck to it, surrounded by permanently burning tea lights; still probably not illegal, but deeply disturbing.
  #11  
Old 06-16-2019, 03:11 AM
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How in the name of common sense can it be an "invasion of privacy" when that information is PUBLICLY available?
I don't like having my address and phone number in publicly-accessible databases, but there seems to be little (if anything) I can do about it. Periodically I've attempted to get this information hidden or deleted, but have only been marginally successful.

If someone who has no legitimate need to know my address goes searching for it in one of those public databases, then yes, I consider that act an invasion of my privacy. Wanting to come to my house and and mow my lawn without my knowledge or permission is not a legitimate reason.
  #12  
Old 06-16-2019, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Flyer View Post
Once upon a time, there were people who would come onto your property without your permission, and collect information regarding your living habits. It didn't matter whether you wanted them there or not. And it did no good to complain to the police, because--believe it or not--these nefarious activities were sanctioned by the local government.

Those creepy people were called "meter readers."
I really fail to see the relevance of this. Are you saying that because there are some people who have a legitimate reason to enter your property without your permission, everyone should be able to do that? If you see a stranger in your back yard, looking through your stuff, you just shrug and let him go on with his business?
  #13  
Old 06-16-2019, 06:03 PM
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I really fail to see the relevance of this. Are you saying that because there are some people who have a legitimate reason to enter your property without your permission, everyone should be able to do that? If you see a stranger in your back yard, looking through your stuff, you just shrug and let him go on with his business?
I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn't have thought anything about it.
  #14  
Old 06-16-2019, 07:03 PM
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I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn't have thought anything about it.
Ah yes, the good old days when stalking and assaults were ignored.
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  #15  
Old 06-16-2019, 09:21 PM
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I was mocking the hysteria that so many people today show over things that used to be considered unremarkable. Twenty years ago, (A) the OP simply would have looked up her address in the phone book, and (B) most people wouldn't have thought anything about it.
You'd think some people would be thinking about the ten year anniversary of the death of Rebecca Schaeffer, who was murdered by a stalker who looked up her address using public records and then showed up at her house and shot her.
  #16  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:13 PM
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I'd feel like you were stalking me. Dude, just don't. *shudder*
  #17  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:15 PM
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Nice thought, very inappropriate and creepy execution. If she was dropping hints of these problems with a hope you'd offer to help - you should have just offered to help.
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  #18  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:17 PM
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Do you call her Elvira?
  #19  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:17 PM
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Trespassing and stalking. Plus she will probably assume that you want to bone her so she may be uncomfortable around you now. You meant well but you shouldn't have done it.
  #20  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:26 PM
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If you were neighbors, and so knowing where she lives was an inherent part of your relationship, then it might be a nice gesture.

But using her overheard last name to look her up in databases to find where she lives is already creepy. And then physically going there and doing things to her property without asking (yes, even nice things like mowing her lawn) takes that creepiness to the next level.

And I hesitate to even ask, but... just front lawn, or front and back both?
  #21  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:30 PM
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She’s going to just think one of her neighbours got tired of looking at it, and dealt with it.

What sort of appreciation are you expecting, exactly? Because she now probably thinks she can just forget about it and the neighbour will eventually deal will it, zero appreciation required.

Expecting appreciation, in any form including a ‘thank you’, turns this from a kindness to an attempt to create an obligation. To stroke your ego with gratitude.

Looking up her address is straight up crossing a line, and when she learns that part she’ll remain always on guard around you, and rightly so.

And if you’re trying to date this woman or win her affection, you’re definitely doing it wrong.
  #22  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:34 PM
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I guess I see the points being made. Was just trying to give a surprise to someone. I fu+*ed up. And asked a mod to delete this thread.
  #23  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:49 PM
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I guess I see the points being made. Was just trying to give a surprise to someone. I fu+*ed up. And asked a mod to delete this thread.
Sounds to me like your heart was in the right place. Don't feel too bad, but live and learn and don't do it again.

I don't think you did anything actually illegalómaybe trespassing, but mowing somebody else's lawn is the kind of thing neighbors occasionally do for each other without anyone getting upset, so as long as she didn't catch you in the act and tell you to get lost, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
  #24  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:54 PM
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Sounds to me like your heart was in the right place. Don't feel too bad, but live and learn and don't do it again.

I don't think you did anything actually illegal—maybe trespassing, but mowing somebody else's lawn is the kind of thing neighbors occasionally do for each other without anyone getting upset, so as long as she didn't catch you in the act and tell you to get lost, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Yeah, I'm now beating myself up over this. Anxiety and all. I'm NOT going to tell her that I did it.

I would still like a mod to delete this. Mainly because of my username.

Last edited by LiveFree; 06-14-2019 at 12:55 PM.
  #25  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:09 PM
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Yeah, I'm now beating myself up over this. Anxiety and all. I'm NOT going to tell her that I did it.
Fine if you never mention it and it never comes up. But, if she brings it up and is at all freaked out about it, or if she asks if you did it, you need to tell her. You can say something like, "I did it trying to do something nice, but some friends set me straight about it not being appropriate. I know it was a mistake, and I won't do anything like that again." Then you accept whatever feedback she wants to give about it, and be prepared not to be friends anymore. But the creepiness will go up a thousand fold if she talks about being freaked out by it, or asks, and you say nothing.
  #26  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:56 PM
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Would have been better if you did it when she was not home.

And never mentioned it.
  #27  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:02 PM
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Would have been better if you did it when she was not home.

And never mentioned it.
Still creepy. Maybe even more creepy.

I know I'd be a little concerned if I came home one day and saw evidence that somebody else had been hanging out around my house doing things.
  #28  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:54 PM
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And asked a mod to delete this thread.
Hahaha! Dude, you been here more than a minute now, you know that aint happening!
  #29  
Old 06-14-2019, 02:53 PM
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And asked a mod to delete this thread.
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Hahaha! Dude, you been here more than a minute now, you know that aint happening!
Ever heard the phrase, "Maybe your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others"? Not only will it not be deleted, the thread will likely become a frequently cited example of good guy stalking. You're practically in meme territory here, LiveFree.
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  #30  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:05 PM
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I guess I see the points being made. Was just trying to give a surprise to someone. I fu+*ed up. And asked a mod to delete this thread.
You have to think about how things look to other people. You know what your intentions were and know you had no sinister motives. But she doesn't know what's inside your head. For all she knows, you're a stalker.
  #31  
Old 06-14-2019, 12:35 PM
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I'd say you're lucky your ass isn't grass.
  #32  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:03 PM
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I am that one freakazoid left who always tries to assign good intent to the actions of others so I would be thankful. The danger more would be that you would get weirded out coming across an actual tombstone and what looks like a grave in my lawn.
  #33  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:42 PM
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My lawnmower is broken as well. Just saying, since you are in the giving spirit and all...

ETA: silliness aside, I cannot understand for a second all of the responses in this thread. If someone wants to come cut my grass, have at it. If they had jimmied the lock on the front door to clean up or something, I would see the problem with such an intrusion, but to do something on the outside? Hell yeah. Siding needs power washed as well.

Last edited by UltraVires; 06-14-2019 at 01:44 PM.
  #34  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:49 PM
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I’d be creeped out as well. I’ve only known one person I’d consider to be a stalker, and she regularly looked up people on public record databases. I don’t need to know if one of my coworkers got a speeding ticket in 2010, much less if they have any more serious offences.

When I was young, yes we used to shovel the snow from our elderly neighbors sidewalk. Not only did it help me get to school and avoid stomping through snow, but it wasn’t like we tried to hide it.
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  #35  
Old 06-14-2019, 01:51 PM
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Nice thought and it sounds like you meant well, but most likely she will be creeped out by this.
  #36  
Old 06-14-2019, 02:05 PM
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What the others said: It was a nice gesture but you should have asked or suggested it to her first.
  #37  
Old 06-14-2019, 02:06 PM
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I think it was kind of you to do this but also a bit tone-deaf.

However, it is just grass.

I have some weedy trees on the side of my house. I kind of like them because they give me some privacy while I am doing stuff in my backyard, but they can get a bit overgrown. I put it on my May to-do list to trim them but I kept putting it off.

One day I am tooling around in the backyard and I discover that someone clipped my weedy trees quite severely, reducing my privacy by 50%. That bugged me some. But I was also glad that I was off the hook for more yardwork. And then I felt embarrassed wondering if my neighbor had done it out of frustration over me not keeping my "shrubbery" as neat as he keeps his.

About a week after the fact I realized that the power company had trimmed trees all throughout the neighborhood. Even though my trees weren't technically in the right-of-way, they were still pretty close. The contractor probably figured they would be nice and trim those bad boys for me. I am glad that's all it was, because otherwise I would still be having some negative feelings.



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  #38  
Old 06-14-2019, 02:57 PM
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So, I know this person from the gym. ...
I only know her by first name, but have heard her say her last name a time or two. Easy to figure out where she lives going roughly by where she has said she lives, and looking on the town tax database.

So, I went over today and cut the lawn. ...
That's not cool.
  #39  
Old 06-14-2019, 03:07 PM
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I mean, clearly, the fact that you made a thread about this means you did at the very least think that in the back of your head this could be considered a bit creepy, no? Why didn't you ask before you did it?
  #40  
Old 06-14-2019, 04:07 PM
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Get over it LiveFree you did a nice gesture. I believe your heart was in a good place.

Don't know why these folks are upset.

But then, thankfully I don't live in their world.
  #41  
Old 06-14-2019, 04:51 PM
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Get over it LiveFree you did a nice gesture. I believe your heart was in a good place.

Don't know why these folks are upset.

But then, thankfully I don't live in their world.
Then, there's always that one person who just doesn't get it.
  #42  
Old 06-14-2019, 05:36 PM
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Then, there's always that one person who just doesn't get it.

Believe me, it is an honor to be in this group.
  #43  
Old 06-14-2019, 05:33 PM
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Get over it LiveFree you did a nice gesture. I believe your heart was in a good place.

Don't know why these folks are upset.

But then, thankfully I don't live in their world.
You live in the same world as the rest of us. It's the world where the vast majority of people are friendly and nice. And a few people are Ed Gein.
  #44  
Old 06-20-2019, 05:51 AM
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Imagine for a moment you have an acquaintance from the gym. Not a friend, just someone you sometimes talk to. You don't invite them over. They probably don't even know your full name. You don't live in the same neighborhood. They don't know where you live.

Then, one day, you see them on your front lawn, doing you a "favor".

I dunno about you, but I'd call the cops, because that's fucking scary. And I'm a 250-pound man.

I'm honestly at a loss as to how anyone doesn't get this.

It's weird and creepy no matter the genders of those involved, but the fact that you're a guy and she's a gal makes it considerably worse, because an awful lot of women have some experience with stalking (15%), harassment (81%!), or rape (15%.

If you don't get it, consider reading this twitter thread. It details the kind of interaction that women face on a disturbingly regular basis. There's a reason that, when asked "if men didn't exist, what would you do", the number one answer given by women is "go outside after dark and not be afraid".

If you can read all that and still don't get it, do us all a favor, and just don't interact with women. You're not ready. You are unable to look past your own privilege, unable or unwilling to grasp the reality women live with, and your actions are going to make their lives worse. If it's not literally part of your job, don't do it. Don't talk to them. Don't make eye contact with them. Don't ask them out on the street. Don't (holy fucking shit DO NOT) go to their homes unasked by looking up their address in a public database. Because that's not just creepy. That's grounds for a restraining order, and doing it repeatedly is stalking.

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I need not read any of those links. Go ahead and bash me more.
Or, alternatively, don't learn anything from any of these interactions. About 150 people have weighed in to say, "You're being super fucking creepy", mate. If that doesn't raise red flags for you the problem may be colorblindness.

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How in the name of common sense can it be an "invasion of privacy" when that information is PUBLICLY available?
If I looked, really looked, I could probably find your phone number, home address, real name, date of birth, high school, et cetera. If I started a thread on this forum listing those PUBLICLY AVAILABLE details and documenting exactly how I used only information that was PUBLICLY AVAILABLE, the only forums that wouldn't ban me for that are places like 4chan and kiwifarms, because it's a massive invasion of privacy, incredibly fucking creepy, endangers you and your family, and is just an incredibly shitty thing to do. Even threatening to do that is a bannable offense on many forums (so let's be clear, that's not what I'm doing, Steve).

(Okay he's probably not actually named Steve but the joke is funny.)

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This seems to be your answer for most of these things. If you are a man, then just shut up.
No, more like "If you're a man who really does not understand why a woman would find the interactions described in this thread as creepy, shut up." Because failing to see why people find this creepy shows a fundamental failure of empathy and reasoning, and a complete unwillingness to look past yourself and walk a mile in someone else's shoes, and nobody needs more of that in their lives, especially not women.

Here, let me see if this helps. What if the guy who just randomly shows up on your property is black?

Do you get it now?


Last edited by Budget Player Cadet; 06-20-2019 at 05:54 AM.
  #45  
Old 06-20-2019, 09:52 AM
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If you don't get it, consider reading this twitter thread. It details the kind of interaction that women face on a disturbingly regular basis. There's a reason that, when asked "if men didn't exist, what would you do", the number one answer given by women is "go outside after dark and not be afraid".

And while reading this thread I think about this recent article on another site that I frequent.
  #46  
Old 06-20-2019, 03:53 PM
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Imagine for a moment you have an acquaintance from the gym. Not a friend, just someone you sometimes talk to. You don't invite them over. They probably don't even know your full name. You don't live in the same neighborhood. They don't know where you live.

Then, one day, you see them on your front lawn, doing you a "favor".

I dunno about you, but I'd call the cops, because that's fucking scary. And I'm a 250-pound man.
I can't quite follow UltraVires's logic; in particular, I don't see how he gets from "women want equality" to "women should be nice to creepy randos." What I think he's saying is that women should "man up" and stop being afraid of creepy randos, because HE isn't afraid of them, and would be thrilled to pieces if someone mowed his lawn for free.

Well, I'm male, and I'm here to tell you that I would be completely freaked out if I was on the receiving end of LiveFree's little "favor," even if the gender was reversed and the lawn-mowing was done by a female.

Would I call the cops? Arguably that's the smarter move, but my typical response in tense situations is to de-escalate and smooth things over. I'd manage a "thank you," because one thing I've learned about people who pull stunts like this is that they want gratitudeólots of it. And if they don't get it, they're going be VERY displeased, because they went to a lot of trouble for you. Then I'd say that their selflessness and generosity has inspired me to step up and do my own yardwork from now on. Then I'd do everything possible to avoid them in the future, including switching gyms. Or maybe I'll just drop gym entirely.
  #47  
Old 06-14-2019, 04:18 PM
Dewey Finn is offline
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You know it's possible both to have your heart in a good place and to have done something creepy.
  #48  
Old 06-14-2019, 04:35 PM
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Given the option, I'd have voted both. But I had to go with creepy because that far outweighs the nice.
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Old 06-14-2019, 05:15 PM
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I may have missed this point, but you cut the lawn with, I suppose, your own lawnmower. Which you must have somehow got to her place.
So, why didn't you instead offer to cart her lawnmower off to the shop (and pick it up later) instead of just cutting her lawn?
  #50  
Old 06-14-2019, 05:57 PM
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The OP asked a question. I took him at his word and answered honestly. If he didn't already know how this would come across, he needed to know. "Upset" doesn't come into this.
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