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Old 08-08-2019, 11:24 PM
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NEW chain story!


Ok, the last one I started went a good 60ish posts. Let's start a new one. Same rules. Add as much or little as you like. But maybe no Draculas, since we all seem to have been enboredened by it.

"Gimme a Yuengling" Benny shouted as he sat at the bar. He was too focused on his fistful of lottery scratchers to notice who was bartending tonight.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-09-2019, 12:32 AM
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It was 'Her'. He smelled her perfume before he looked up.
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Old 08-09-2019, 12:39 AM
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He scratched furiously with his lucky nickle, pretending to not notice her. But that scent...that intoxicant...his brain was flooded with memories past. The best, and worst.

Before he knew it, he had scratched all the tickets. The giant pile of scratchings on the bar and all over his hands made him wonder how long he was lost in that scent...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-09-2019, 01:06 AM
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It was a mixture of Honey and Lemon. And maybe that woman's deordorant. He looked up at 3 empty bottles on the bar. God, he had drank three and didn't remember doing it. On the edge of tipsy-ness he decided not to drink anymore. In his hand was a winning ticket. He squinted he thought it was a $10 winner. No, wait that's $100!!
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Old 08-09-2019, 01:36 AM
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"... he had drunk," she corrected him. It was then the he remembered that teaching English was her day job. She also pointed out that he held a $1000 winning ticket, which he had misread in his "tipsy-ness." God, he loved this woman!
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:14 AM
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"With this $10,000, I could English you AND your nipsytess!" Hes struggled. "3 vodkas, please"
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:20 AM
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He slammed the 3 shots down. Bought the bar a drink and walked to the back to the Mens room. He was unsteady on his feet.
And then blackness took over...
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:34 AM
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It was a vampire! Before he knew it, all his blood had drained into



(Sorry - I couldn't resist. Carry on.)
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Old 08-09-2019, 06:53 AM
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As his head hit the floor, the last thing he was conscious of was the English teacher saying "Shouldn't "mens" have an apostrophe?" Her words echoed in his subconscious mind as he slipped into the blackness.
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:23 AM
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When he came to his mouth had the distinct taste of a thousand hard boiled socks filled with thorns and raked over his tongue.
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:52 AM
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He noticed how the world around him pulsed and warped and existed in a constant state of tremor, then realized it was his eyeballs. He wiped his forehead and realized he was sweating what he had been imbibing the night before. His head pounded with the beat of a hundred hangovers and he wanted to stop existing. The bartender wiped some mugs and asked "Hair of the dog that bit ya?" Benny tipped his empty Yeungling bottle, saw the secondary drool pooled at the bottom, and nodded his head.
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:07 PM
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It was then that he realized the winning lottery ticket was missing. With a sense of dread, he reached into his pocket hoping to find his lucky nickel. It had been with him through much darker days and he never left the house without it. The moment he knew it was gone, the room started to close in on him.
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:14 PM
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The last thing he saw was the MENS sign. The sweet smelling bartender was drawing an apostrophe on the sign with a Sharpie. He wondered was that correct, or not.
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Old 08-09-2019, 02:21 PM
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Then he realized he didn't care about punctuation right at that moment, although he also knew he should probably relieve himself before it was too late. Everything turned to black and he fell into a formless void of nothingness.
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Old 08-09-2019, 03:59 PM
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A wafting aroma stirred in his dreams. He was coming up to the surface of consciousness.
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Old 08-09-2019, 04:51 PM
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"Why do I keep passing out in the bathroom of this shitty bar?" Benny asked to no one in particular.

"Oh shit! What time is it!?" He searched frantically for his phone and found it on the filthy floor beside the filthy toilet. "11 o'clock! I'm two hours late for work! Oh, PM, 14 hours late. Oh, Saturday. I'm 2 days and 14 hours late."
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-09-2019, 05:02 PM
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"Hey," he shouted to no one in particular, "where are my pants?"
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Old 08-09-2019, 05:30 PM
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"Well," said the bartender, "you tied them around your head last night. You kept running around the room yelling 'I'm a pirate! A-HOY MATIES!'. After Jerry clocked you with the cue ball, you finally stopped moving long enough for Lonny and the guys to throw you in the bathroom and lock the door. I think your pants are by the pool table." Then the bartertender turned and walked away, tossing one parting shot over his should, "By the way, you're a chump when you're drunk."
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:08 PM
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He crawled along the wall. People were giving him a wide berth. He stopped and looked up at a guy wearing his pants.
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:08 PM
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Scorsese re-read what he'd typed so far. "Christ, this is shit!" he mumbled under his breath. He highlighted the entire page and hit the Delete key. "Time for some Liquid Inspiration," he thought, reaching for the Johnnie Walker Blue. A few minutes--and a few belts--later, he felt ready to start again.

"I think I'll let Margot Robbie keep her clothes on this time," he chuckled to himself.
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:12 PM
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Margot Robbie as Benny again woke up on the floor of the filthy bathroom and again found his phone and again realized how late for work he was...

(This is a Scorsese work?)

...but he did find the rest of his cocaine in his pocket. A few small bumps and he was right as rain, except for a bit of a runny nose...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.

Last edited by snfaulkner; 08-09-2019 at 07:14 PM.
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Old 08-09-2019, 07:40 PM
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And a urge to go to a comic-con as Harley Quinn.
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Old 08-09-2019, 08:04 PM
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Kevin Smith was working on his newest screenplay (Scorsese had promised to film it if he could get it done by Christmas), when the screams started from down the hall. "Bad enough you named me after a comic-book character," Harley Quinn bellowed, "but putting me in a screenplay about a message board full of Internet dweebs? You've gone too fucking far this time, Dad!" she snarled, reaching for the Winchester rifle over the mantel. The rifle had been a gift from Simon Pegg (of "Shaun of the Dead" fame) and

BLAM!!

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Old 08-09-2019, 10:01 PM
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. . .missing Keven, but hitting a photo of his mother which was lovingly placed in a candle and incense shrine on the mantle. The photo fell and hit the dog, sending him into a frenzy of tail chasing, which knocked over the end table and upended a bottle of 30 year old Glenlivet, which immediately ignited when it smashed against the fireplace andirons.
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Old 08-10-2019, 11:20 AM
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Kevin Smith rushed his family out of his burning mansion, and turned to watch the flames dance into the Burbank sky. He thought this was appropriate for a Scorcese script. He had always wanted his own Mafia moment. He thought he could handle a horse head in his bed, but would probably have been disappointed because it wasn't new any more and had become cliche. This way was definitely more spectacular, but now his daughter would have to fix this sudden arsonist reputation if she ever wanted to find work again. Maybe he'd blame the fire on Jason Mewes. This kind of horrible conflagration was definitely more his thing.
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Old 08-10-2019, 04:34 PM
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Meanwhile, high above, unseen by Kevin Smith and his family, fifty D'kel battlecruisers silently took up synchronous orbits over Earth's biggest cities.
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Old 08-10-2019, 05:07 PM
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Kevin was confused. He went and got rooms at the local crappy motel. He and Harley went and found a diner opened and ordered coffee, they.....
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Old 08-10-2019, 05:17 PM
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were distracted by CNN on the corner TV blaring the news of the arrival of possibly hostile aliens. "First our house, and now this!" Smith moaned.
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Old 08-10-2019, 05:55 PM
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The mind-control unit in the back of Kevin's brain began to pulse. He knew what he had to do! He would change his script and write about how wonderful the visiting aliens are. He would show people everywhere how to love them.
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Old 08-10-2019, 06:41 PM
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"Jay and Silent Bob and the quest for xenomonarchy" he type. Just as working title...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-10-2019, 08:41 PM
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"You got your fuckin' nerve blaming your house fire on me, you fat fuck!" Jay yelled at Silent Bob. "The cops are all over my ass and thank God I wasn't holding or I'd be some guy's girlfriend in the slam right about now! Gimmee some weed, you dickless wonder!"

"Dad, this is the worst," Harley Quinn scolded Kevin as she downed a piece of apple pie, "this makes 'Mallrats' seem like a Scorsese script! Where's the biting dialogue? Where's the Jersey flavor? WHERE'S MY COFFEE, WAITRESS?"

"Just like your mother," Kevin mumbled into his Reuben.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 08-10-2019 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 08-10-2019, 09:06 PM
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Harley heard that. She 'harumpfed' and finished eating. Contemplating a career change and a move to Europe she asked her father wasn't she due an annuity payment on her Mothers money.
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Old 08-10-2019, 11:08 PM
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As she awaited his answer, she decided it was probably time to consult with her favorite accountant and tax lawyer, Robert Dolarhyde Jameson "Bobo" Phartuccio, to see if there were any changes she should make to her investments.
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Old 08-11-2019, 09:45 AM
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Phartuccio recommended that Quinn buy shares in Blawnox Butternut Scotch, a peculiar alcoholic drink brewed in rural Pennsylvania. It currently held a record for most mentions in online trivia contests.
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Old 08-11-2019, 11:11 AM
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"What a terrible idea", Quinn thought. "One peculiar alcoholic beverage isn't enough - I'll buy at least three! Maybe there's a mustard beer out there..."
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Old 08-11-2019, 10:25 PM
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A quick googling of "mustard beer" produced over 4 million hits in less than .25 seconds. The whole first page was...
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-11-2019, 11:21 PM
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entirely in Swahili, which Quinn couldn't even read. Maybe the aliens will make everyone on Earth speak the same language, she thought grumpily. That, at least, would be an improvement.

She hung up on Phartuccio, realized Smith was saying something to her, and at last came out of her reverie.
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Old 08-11-2019, 11:27 PM
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"...and that's the LAST time I jerk off in the ocean. I learned that lesson the hard way." Smith rambled. Hopefully he was done and she could get away from this looney.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-11-2019, 11:43 PM
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Running down the sidewalk her phone bleeped at her. She needed to take this call. She needed privacy. Ducking in an alleyway she crouched behind a trash dumpster. The bleep was a reminder she had catfish noodling class at 3p.m. "Damn-it" she exclaimed.
As she stood up she glanced in the dumpster. There were packages of socks. Brand new socks in sealed packages. She had to have them...
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:37 AM
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She looked both ways down the alley, then climbed up and jumped into the dumpster. There were at least 30 packages of socks in it - lots of white athletic socks, but also red, green, brown, striped, and even purple-accented paisley. She couldn't believe her good luck. She began grabbing them and stuffing them into her bag.

She froze when someone said, "Just what do you think you're up to, missy?"
  #41  
Old 08-12-2019, 02:34 PM
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She stuttered "Noth-ing-ing", she jumped out and took off running. Turned left. And stopped. She was on the town strip. The town ho was plying her trade underneath the neon sign for the 7-11. She knew that woman....

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 08-12-2019 at 02:35 PM.
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Old 08-12-2019, 03:33 PM
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... who was diligently hoeing away on the weedy strip in the middle of the street. She looked up, wiped the sweat off her forehead, and waved at Harley. "Hey, girl, it's me ..."
  #43  
Old 08-12-2019, 09:51 PM
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"But...h-how...when did...just HOW did you get here?!" Quinn finally asked. "The last time I saw you, you were...you know...in that..."
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:05 PM
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...cult thingy." "How did you get outta that, girl?"
She looked up from her hoeing and asked for a donation for Father Krab and his followers.
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:22 PM
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"Hoeing for Krab now? They really got to you! At least they untied you and let you put clothes on now. Do you need help getting away? It's ok, you can tell me. Blink once with your left eye if they are watching you."
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:38 PM
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Sophie, the hoe girl, said "I'm fine, I'm happy" and "We're having a meeting tonight, wanna come?" And she shoved 2 pamphlets in Harleys hand and took off.
Harley needed a place to hide out awhile. She was thinking....
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:41 PM
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Thinking...thinking...she should be thinking of how to help Sophie. She knows so. But God damn, those socks. How was she gonna get those socks!?
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.
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Old 08-12-2019, 10:53 PM
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"Oh, I got it" she thought. She headed back to the alley with the dumpster. "Oh, hell yeah" she exclaimed! The socks were still there. Perfect donation for the Krab followers. She grabbed as many as she could....
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Old 08-12-2019, 11:05 PM
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...until the ally flood lights suddenly kicked on, blinding her as the roaches scattered. The same voice as before rang in her ears.

"I'm warnin' ye. Ye be wantin' to let them socks be! They be currrrrsed, I'm tellin' ye! CURRRRRRSED!" The rolling "r"'s gasped from the old man's toothless mouth rang in her ears. Before she knew it, the old man slammed the door and the lights snapped off, returning sanity....or did it?

If you want Harley to take an armload of cursed socks, turn to page 47.

If you want her to run screaming into the night, turn to page 35.

Edit: if you want to try and follow the old man, turn to page 99.
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It may be because I'm a drooling simpleton with the attention span of a demented gnat, but would you mind explaining everything in words of one syllable. 140 chars max.

Last edited by snfaulkner; 08-12-2019 at 11:06 PM.
  #50  
Old 08-12-2019, 11:26 PM
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(Oooh, choices!)
PAGE 99.
The old man slunk back into his door. Slamming it against the dark alley. He limped his way into the kitchen. He fixed a large whiskey. Sat down at his table and resumed his....
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