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  #7601  
Old 07-03-2019, 08:52 PM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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I would rather go on calling you Mrs S-C-U-M, Mrs S-C-U-M.

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Change your latitude, change your attitude.
  #7602  
Old 07-04-2019, 07:49 AM
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Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
  #7603  
Old 07-05-2019, 10:47 AM
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Good idea, Lord!
  #7604  
Old 07-09-2019, 11:00 PM
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Well, being a member of the Conservative Party, all I can do is drone on and on, never letting anyone get a word in edgewise, until I turn blue in the face and start to foam at the mouth and fall over backwards.
  #7605  
Old 07-10-2019, 08:50 PM
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What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
  #7606  
Old 07-11-2019, 11:50 AM
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Long John Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. They circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a sterve-pipe hat appears. On the first's head is a fez. The stove-pipe hat becomes a stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearinng on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogostick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into a dustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogostick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puff of smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes.
  #7607  
Old 07-11-2019, 02:19 PM
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We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
  #7608  
Old 07-11-2019, 02:53 PM
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Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis.
  #7609  
Old 07-11-2019, 04:17 PM
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Rotten. Rotten. You're no bloody use at all. You're an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed!
  #7610  
Old 07-12-2019, 08:30 AM
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It's my considered opinion that they're nesting.
  #7611  
Old 07-12-2019, 10:31 AM
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Oh, yeah, she's a virgin, definitely.
  #7612  
Old 07-12-2019, 12:45 PM
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Hmmmmm. Thinks - this sounds like a job for... Bicycle Repair Man...but how to change without revealing my secret identity?
  #7613  
Old 07-12-2019, 01:44 PM
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Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear....
  #7614  
Old 07-12-2019, 03:03 PM
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Well, what about those juniper bushes over there?
  #7615  
Old 07-12-2019, 03:08 PM
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Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
  #7616  
Old 07-12-2019, 03:26 PM
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Yes, well, of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like The Sound of Music. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.
  #7617  
Old 07-14-2019, 12:11 PM
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I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!
  #7618  
Old 07-14-2019, 11:38 PM
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The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists, and they begin to wonder if it is all really... (falls through an open manhole cover) Arggh!
  #7619  
Old 07-17-2019, 07:48 AM
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In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done?
  #7620  
Old 07-17-2019, 08:04 AM
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Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?'. And here to discuss it are three dead people... The late Sir Brian Hardacre, former curator of the Imperial War Museum ... (superimposed captions identify them) the late Professor Thynne, until recently an academic, critic, and broadcaster ... and putting the view of the Church of England, the very late Prebendary Reverend Ross. Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not? Sir Brian? (silence) Professor? ... Prebendary?.... Well there we have it, three say no. On 'Is There' next week we'll be discussing the question 'Is there enough of it about?', and until then, goodnight.
  #7621  
Old 07-19-2019, 10:01 PM
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I know where you've been you military fairy.
  #7622  
Old 07-20-2019, 07:22 PM
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It's....
  #7623  
Old 07-21-2019, 11:05 PM
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No, the stuff I liked was that stuff they gave us before the war, what was it - Wilkinson's Number 8 Laxative Cereal. Phew. That one went through you like a bloody Ferrari...
  #7624  
Old 07-22-2019, 11:40 AM
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Oh, yes, definitely - "splunge" for me, too.
  #7625  
Old 07-22-2019, 03:12 PM
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Dinsdale was a gentleman, and what's more, he knew how to treat a female impersonator.
  #7626  
Old 07-22-2019, 11:52 PM
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Does it come with wafers?
  #7627  
Old 07-23-2019, 01:37 AM
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Rat cake, Rat sorbet, Rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
  #7628  
Old 07-23-2019, 10:09 AM
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Albatross! Albatross!
  #7629  
Old 07-23-2019, 12:35 PM
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Oh Bevis, are you going to do anything or are you just going to show me films all evening?
  #7630  
Old 07-23-2019, 01:56 PM
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The plumage don't enter into it.
  #7631  
Old 07-23-2019, 03:02 PM
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It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
  #7632  
Old 07-23-2019, 04:21 PM
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For Mrs. Emma Hamilton of Nelson, a Scotsman on a horse.
  #7633  
Old 07-23-2019, 10:27 PM
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Look, would you mind going away? I'm trying to examine this man. It's - er - it's all right - I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour.
  #7634  
Old 07-23-2019, 11:23 PM
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I think it's disgusting... you a Member of Parliament.
  #7635  
Old 07-24-2019, 02:27 AM
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It's never a willow.
  #7636  
Old 07-24-2019, 07:50 AM
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No. 1: The larch. The larch.
  #7637  
Old 07-24-2019, 08:45 AM
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I waggled me wig!
  #7638  
Old 07-24-2019, 08:53 AM
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All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
  #7639  
Old 07-24-2019, 09:13 AM
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Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
  #7640  
Old 07-25-2019, 10:33 AM
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Bouncy, bouncy!
  #7641  
Old 07-25-2019, 01:53 PM
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We find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab.
  #7642  
Old 07-25-2019, 04:51 PM
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I'm not Sir Philip Bleedin' Sidney! I am Superintendent Harold Gaskell and this is a raid.
  #7643  
Old 07-26-2019, 05:22 AM
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It's a bit runny, sir.
  #7644  
Old 07-26-2019, 06:51 AM
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So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?
  #7645  
Old 07-26-2019, 10:45 AM
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This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
  #7646  
Old 07-26-2019, 12:46 PM
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Ooo, I like it runny!
  #7647  
Old 07-27-2019, 08:31 AM
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Yeah, remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
  #7648  
Old 07-27-2019, 09:37 AM
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I'd like to ask the panel what changes they would make, if they were Hitler.
  #7649  
Old 07-27-2019, 10:17 PM
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I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
  #7650  
Old 07-28-2019, 06:01 AM
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Now that's just rude.
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