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Old 05-22-2020, 07:58 PM
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You are space aliens; what do you do when you visit Earth?


Suppose you are a space alien, and in command of an entire planet/race of space aliens. We won't get too much into details (I don't want to get bogged down into a scientific discussion about what you look like, organs, nervous systems, etc.) But you have technology that is quite superior to anything humans can offer. You can swat down nukes, annihilate entire naval fleets; you're akin to the aliens from Independence Day but even more capable.

Now, where do you land your spaceship first? Washington DC? Beijing? UN headquarters in New York City?

You can communicate in any human language, so what do you tell Earth? ("All your base are belong to us?")

Do you remove Trump from the Oval Office and take it up as your new residence?

Do you make any demands of the local populace?
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Old 05-22-2020, 08:02 PM
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I eat you and move on.


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Old 05-22-2020, 08:18 PM
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Cure Beckdawrek and given her gold bars.
She deserves it.
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Old 05-22-2020, 08:18 PM
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I land it on Coney Island Beach and go straight to Nathan's for a dog and fries.
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Old 05-22-2020, 09:05 PM
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Destroy the planet-destroying specie, let the planet recover, return and use as a rest and recovery planet.
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Old 05-22-2020, 09:16 PM
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They land in the city of Wuhan, China, and take the form of an invasive virus.
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Old 05-22-2020, 09:36 PM
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You are space aliens; what do you do when you visit Earth?


I'd go to somwhere like the Amazon rainforest and start my study of the wildlife. I think unique biology would be the most valuable thing to learn if you were an advanced alien species. After I learned all of that i'd look into human culture so probably Europe to start with the classics. Maybe Italy.

No need to bother with militarily or financially powerful countries except to learn about their culture. They'd have nothing else to offer nor would pose a threat.

Last edited by Fiendish Astronaut; 05-22-2020 at 09:37 PM.
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Old 05-22-2020, 11:04 PM
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I'd find the feline overlords and offer my assistance. I believe they're Siamese and live at Beckdawrek's house. I certainly hope she's treated them with the deep respect they deserve.
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Old 05-22-2020, 11:27 PM
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Agree with Fiendish Astronaut.

A good question too is whether they would even make themselves known to us. I don't think they'd need to be much more advanced to be able to manipulate EM radiation such that they are effectively invisible.
If they're coming to share technology and/or information, then they can do the "come in peace" schtick. But if they choose not to interfere with primitive and aggressive species like ours, then they'll probably just stay hidden. Not because we pose any threat, but because revealing themselves will make it harder to study our cultures.

The OP asks what I would do, and yes, I'd probably visit the UN and share some information. A couple of tidbits that might reduce our suffering but also make our existence on this planet more sustainable. And something to inspire us towards greater development...though I have to confess, it's hard to know exactly what that would be. Any tech or info they demonstrate might inspire or it might dishearten us, and we would feel like we are reinventing the wheel.
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Old 05-23-2020, 01:00 AM
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Since Earth Girls Are Easy, I guess I'd start exploring that parameter.
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Old 05-23-2020, 01:27 AM
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From a popular but silly 1970's-era computer program that generates quasi-random Science Fiction stories:
Quote:
Earth is invaded by space aliens who want our women, take a few, and leave. The end.
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Old 05-23-2020, 03:03 AM
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I'd leave but vow to return when the humans are gone.
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:48 AM
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“On second thought, let’s not go to Earth. ‘Tis a silly place.”
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:02 AM
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I eat you and move on.

7 Billion Hu-mons & an Onion are what you need to make a Meatloaf.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:03 AM
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Probing, lots of probing.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:13 AM
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Ella covered this some time ago.
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Old 05-23-2020, 08:49 AM
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Start with exacting revenge on Arnold Schwarzenegger and Will Smith.
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  #18  
Old 05-23-2020, 09:26 AM
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Probing, lots of probing.
Ha. I was going to say cram (that may be a poor choice of words) for the proctology final.
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Old 05-23-2020, 10:15 AM
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I'm going to Disneyland!



(it is, after all, the happiest place on earth.)
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Old 05-23-2020, 10:31 AM
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If they are superior they will not bother with Capital Cities, UN-Headquarters and politics. They might go to the internet and make up the definitive fake story to keep us distracted and quiet and then enjoy the really wonderfull things this planet has to offer. None of which would have anything to do with humans, I guess. I cannot be sure, of course: they ARE superior, so I cannot imagine what they think or do. That is the definition of superior.
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Old 05-23-2020, 10:40 AM
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7 Billion Hu-mons & an Onion are what you need to make a Meatloaf.
All you need is one.
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Old 05-23-2020, 11:22 AM
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I would send down a small ship to land in front of the U.N. building. I would send a message that I would address the world media at a specific date and time.

I would walk out onto the stage, and give a speech to the TV cameras. Meanwhile, behind me, my underlings would be hauling barrels of KY jelly and crates of rubber gloves into the ship.

When my speech was over, I would return to my ship, and return to orbit.
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Old 05-23-2020, 11:31 AM
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"Very funny. But seriously now, take me to your real leader."
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Old 05-23-2020, 12:17 PM
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An alien lands at a gas station and walks up to one of the two-sided pumps. "Take me to your leader," he declares. "Take me to your leader!" he repeats. Then he says, "Take your fingers out of your ears so you can hear me!"
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Old 05-23-2020, 12:29 PM
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I'm not proud of the fact that my answer would be paternalistic. I'd "take over" for humanity's own good. Eliminate the possibility of war, reduce corruption, combat racism and bigotry, etc. I'd govern, more or less the way the British governed India.

It isn't a good answer. It might even be the wrongest possible answer. But, hey, you asked.
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Old 05-23-2020, 01:07 PM
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I’d let a few of my spacecraft be seen by military pilots, loners, and crackpots. Abduct and probe random humans. Leave crop circles. But leave no conclusive evidence of my species’ existence whatsoever. We ETs just love to fuck with people.
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Old 05-23-2020, 01:52 PM
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By accident I tuned into Fox News first. Then I'd leave since there is clearly no intelligent life on Earth.
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Old 05-23-2020, 03:17 PM
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I assume you mean that I would be a Teaser.

Quote:
find some poor unsuspecting soul whom no one's going to believe and then strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennas on their head and making beep beep noises
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Old 05-23-2020, 03:50 PM
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Probing, lots of probing.
That's just foreplay for the tentacle sex.
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Old 05-23-2020, 05:28 PM
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Euro Disneyland at Paris. It's the height of human culture. Then leave, with mouse ears.
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:28 PM
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Make ourselves known and our capabilities evident. Assign everyone on the planet a random number and a short procedure for creating new numbers for new people, then just leave. They'll be trying to figure it out for generations.
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Old 05-23-2020, 06:49 PM
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Gatorland

I wanted to go a long time and didn't get to. So now that I'm an alien with a spaceship I can land anywhere I want I'm going to land it at Gatorland.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:21 PM
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Do you know how hard it is to get good Cantonese food on Qzyldrp?
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Old 05-23-2020, 09:05 PM
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Why would I even bother with earth if I'm so capable?

Though I might just to unironically quote The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra

"Sorry, sometimes my wife forgets that she is not an alien from outer space"
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Old 05-23-2020, 09:11 PM
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Take in a Broadway show. Hit a blowjob bar in Bangkok. Maybe round it off with Tokyo Disneyland.
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Old 05-23-2020, 10:59 PM
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We would arrive at Earth, locate the <untranslatable thing> we were looking for, take it, and leave. Nothing more.

After all, if we aliens were all that superior, humans would be unable to do anything to more than annoy us.

Do humans care what ants think? Do humans even think about ants, except in the rare cases of studying them or exterminating them when they are obstructive?
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Old 05-24-2020, 08:23 AM
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Take in a Broadway show. Hit a blowjob bar in Bangkok. Maybe round it off with Tokyo Disneyland.
Any bar can make a blowjob. Why Bangkok?
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Old 05-24-2020, 11:49 AM
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We would arrive at Earth, locate the <untranslatable thing> we were looking for, take it, and leave. Nothing more. . . .
I really want to tell you about -----ing the -----.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:14 PM
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Any bar can make a blowjob. Why Bangkok?
They, um, make an "extra special" version there.
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Old 05-24-2020, 04:50 PM
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Capture a breeding pool of a few thousand humans from various places around the globe to be sure of having a varied breeding pool, to be transplanted to another planet. Then annihilate the rest, and let the wildlife recover from human domination. Before leaving, upload Wikipedia to preserve a summary of human history and knowledge. Then leave.
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Old 05-24-2020, 07:32 PM
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Why'd you come in the first place? Resource extraction, cultural research/exchange, scientific research, missionaries for THE ONE TRUE UNIVERSAL GOD, slaves? Different motives have different answers. Research and educational motives would lead me to try to remain inconspicuous. Everything else would follow the "Independence Day" method. Don't need to pull the trigger if not needed.
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Old 05-24-2020, 08:34 PM
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I would deliver my message:
"People of Earth. Meow. We bear glad tidings. Meow. There is a simple secret to life. Meow. Which will ensure your survival in they upcoming trying time we foresee for your planet. Meow. It is..."
Five minutes of static and pops and unintelligible sounds, meow.
"... Meow. And that is what has made all the difference to our people. Meow. And shown us the way to the stars. Meow. As long as you always remember that..."
More static.
"...you will also prosper. Meow. Our time here is short and we must now go. Meow. But, should you heed our words you undoubtedly will soon join us in the galactic brotherhood."






"Meow"

Last edited by Aquadementia; 05-24-2020 at 08:36 PM.
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Old 05-24-2020, 10:16 PM
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Why'd you come in the first place? Resource extraction, cultural research/exchange, scientific research, missionaries for THE ONE TRUE UNIVERSAL GOD, slaves? Different motives have different answers. Research and educational motives would lead me to try to remain inconspicuous. Everything else would follow the "Independence Day" method. Don't need to pull the trigger if not needed.
Or, they could make their presence very obvious and well-known and (seemingly) benign, if their true agenda was Serving Man.
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Old 05-24-2020, 11:11 PM
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Or we could go the Douglas Adams route -- land in front of a yokel out in the middle of nowhere, walk around making space-alien noises, then leave.
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Old 05-24-2020, 11:51 PM
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Or the other Douglas Adams route: General demolishment.

Last edited by Sunspace; 05-24-2020 at 11:51 PM.
  #46  
Old 05-25-2020, 12:35 AM
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I would set up a research outpost, staff and equip it as necessary to study the planet thoroughly while remaining undiscovered, and leave, with a promise to come back after an appropriate interval.

However, as I am a devious asshole, instead of picking up the research outpost staff when I come back, I would first extract all the data they have collected, and then disable their stealth technology so as to reveal them and all their works to humans. This would reveal a great deal about how humans deal with sudden change and potential danger. The staff of the outpost may end up getting killed, but the process will be a tremendous addition to our knowledge of this species. That is the kind of culture I come from, after all.
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Old 05-25-2020, 05:41 AM
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Then I'd leave since there is clearly no intelligent life on Earth.
My report to my superiors:

"Sir, we investigated the oceans first and discovered Earthlings there. We remain puzzled by their relationship with the planet's water.

They move about on machines known as "cruise ships", but with no apparent transport purpose. While cloaked, we observed their behavior up close and can make no sense of it. They seem to abhor the water around them and construct the machines to ensure no contact with it. Then for reasons unknown, they have built large tanks of water on the ship's decks, within which they splash around. But when perfectly good water begins falling from the sky (a regular occurrence on Earth) they immediately flee below decks to individual tiny boxes. And here it gets weird, they disrobe and enter a tiny sub-box within their individual box and stand under pipes which dump water on their heads. We remain confused, and humbly request permission to try another planet.
"
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Old 05-25-2020, 05:46 AM
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I totally want to meet Kristen Johnston, John Lithgow, & French Stewart!
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:54 AM
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"People on that spinning blue ball, sorry to blow your minds. No reason to freak out. It's just that it's been, like, over four years since we've had a report from Special Agent Ziggy Stardust. Just let us lay eyes on him, man, and everything will be cool."
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:22 AM
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My report to my superiors:

"Sir, we investigated the oceans first and discovered Earthlings there. We remain puzzled by their relationship with the planet's water.

They move about on machines known as "cruise ships", but with no apparent transport purpose. While cloaked, we observed their behavior up close and can make no sense of it. They seem to abhor the water around them and construct the machines to ensure no contact with it. Then for reasons unknown, they have built large tanks of water on the ship's decks, within which they splash around. But when perfectly good water begins falling from the sky (a regular occurrence on Earth) they immediately flee below decks to individual tiny boxes. And here it gets weird, they disrobe and enter a tiny sub-box within their individual box and stand under pipes which dump water on their heads. We remain confused, and humbly request permission to try another planet.
"
This is fantastic.
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