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  #101  
Old 01-29-2020, 09:45 AM
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Sex selective abortion in China and India
Is Planters really getting rid of Mr. Peanut?


No, but there won't be any little Ms. Peanuts.
  #102  
Old 01-30-2020, 01:26 AM
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Overall term to refer to people from the British Isles?
Google has Failed Me - Verootje


At least it didn't tell you they were called "Please fondle my bums".
  #103  
Old 01-30-2020, 07:22 AM
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I noticed powerade comes in 28oz bottles now instead of 32oz bottles
Heart attack

Man takes his electrolytes drinks seriously.
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  #104  
Old 01-30-2020, 09:08 AM
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How concerned are you about this Coronavirus?
Anyone like working in an open office setup?


Hermetically-sealed cubicles are wildly popular all of a sudden.
  #105  
Old 01-30-2020, 05:01 PM
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What in the Huawei 5G technology/protocols is "Huawei-only" (ie, "controllable" by China)?
Coffee making a buzzing sound


Don't drink the coffee - it's got a tracking device!!!
  #106  
Old 01-31-2020, 02:29 PM
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How should I respond to strangers insisting on praying for me in my presence?
Why does New Jersey get a bad rap?


It's annoying enough traveling on the N.J. Turnpike, without having toll-takers praying that you'll reach your destination safely.
  #107  
Old 01-31-2020, 02:51 PM
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How does a 57 year old single man make friends?
The Hummer is Coming Back!!!


I suppose that is the quickest way
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  #108  
Old 01-31-2020, 04:51 PM
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What was the best purchase in history?
Poll: I've ran out of clean underwear... need answer quick


I guess buying new underwear is a pretty good purchase.
  #109  
Old 01-31-2020, 05:40 PM
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Heart attack
Hip replacement, dammit

Maybe you should check that your doctor's license is up to date.
  #110  
Old 02-01-2020, 05:06 AM
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What was the very worst thing you've ever seen cooked?
Cookies & Cream Twix


Despite their name, you're not supposed to cook them.
  #111  
Old 02-01-2020, 09:12 AM
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Dental Implant Question
What was the best purchase in history?


I bought a complete set of real teeth for only $19.99. Sidewalk vendors in New York offer great deals, just don't ask too many questions.
  #112  
Old 02-01-2020, 04:11 PM
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65 years old, blind, suffering from dementia, and now crippled...
I don't get this license plate


It's a little too personalized. Also, I wouldn't tailgate so closely if I was you.
  #113  
Old 02-03-2020, 06:07 AM
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What is the weirdest thing that you have ever mailed?
craigslist postings


I mail them to my son who posts them online.
  #114  
Old 02-03-2020, 01:45 PM
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How should I respond to strangers insisting on praying for me in my presence?

Starter archery kit

Well yes, that's certainly one possible solution.
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'Cuz we're all in the same big boat"

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  #115  
Old 02-03-2020, 02:35 PM
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Which fresh water aquarium fish?

Social "Morays"


Better get a few.
  #116  
Old 02-04-2020, 09:05 AM
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WTF bumper sticker.

Done with my sons



This makes more sense when you read the first post and learn that it's about a bumper sticker that reads



. ................................. Don't Abandon your Babies


"Done with your sons", indeed
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"

Last edited by CalMeacham; 02-04-2020 at 09:05 AM.
  #117  
Old 02-04-2020, 10:51 AM
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No Restroom for the Weary?
Is it wrong to remain in the United States?


I hear Switzerland has the cleanest restrooms. But that's a helluva long way to travel just to take a dump.
  #118  
Old 02-04-2020, 01:19 PM
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Key factors for long term success of a species
Buying a telescope


If the dinosaurs had bought a telescope they could have seen that asteroid coming, and then they might have been able to do something about it!
  #119  
Old 02-04-2020, 08:16 PM
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Touring Beatles or studio beatles
Dumb question to the cooks: Beets!


The Beets are better than both touring and studio beatles.
  #120  
Old 02-05-2020, 08:57 AM
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I got another Maine Coon
Done with my sons


Maine Coons are lots better at using a litter box.
  #121  
Old 02-05-2020, 09:54 AM
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Which type is the most obnoxious new convert?
How should I respond to strangers insisting on praying for me in my presence?


Get your hands off of me, you damned dirty obnoxious new convert.
  #122  
Old 02-05-2020, 03:54 PM
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Kids' Catchphrases or Words
Help me pack for Africa!


Used most often when your parents are driving you insane.
  #123  
Old 02-05-2020, 04:38 PM
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These darn Cats! (Siamese Cats are mean!!)

I got another Maine Coon
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"
  #124  
Old 02-06-2020, 08:41 AM
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Whose height surprised you?
Kirk Douglas, R.I.P.


Douglas's longevity surprised me more. He was only 5'9" but lived to be 103.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 02-06-2020 at 08:42 AM.
  #125  
Old 02-06-2020, 11:39 AM
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Patrick Stewart 'Gay'?
Spotting Star Trek actors in other programs


He has played "teh gay," but I think he's straight

RIP Kirk Douglas
Actors Who Looked "Old" for a LOOOONG Time
]

Douglas didn't look old. At 103, he was old for a LOOOONG Time
  #126  
Old 02-06-2020, 04:12 PM
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The Arkansas Executions, or More Evidence that Prison for Murderers Doesn't Work
Toxic positivity


Now that'll work.

"You're a good little serial killer. Yes you are! (chucks psychopath under chin)."
  #127  
Old 02-07-2020, 09:38 AM
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Babysitting mishaps
Paltrow introduces vagina scented candle


Just give the kiddie a bath, all will be well.

Which common OTC analgesic is better in the long run?
Why is methadone schedule II


It is? My local Kroger has it on the shelf right next to the CBD oil.
  #128  
Old 02-07-2020, 09:48 AM
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Electric Vehicle critics
What happens if there's a cash shortfall on a sale at a car dealership?


No problem! You can just charge it to your credit card!
Don't forget to tip the veal.
  #129  
Old 02-07-2020, 02:28 PM
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With sauerkraut, why was scurvy on ships a thing?
EV runs out juice in mid drive...


We got scurvy on our cross-country trip because our Volt wasn't big enough to hold a lot of kraut juice.
  #130  
Old 02-07-2020, 09:05 PM
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Rush Limbaugh Has Lung Cancer

My daughter has breast cancer


I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter.
  #131  
Old 02-08-2020, 08:02 AM
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What happens if there's a cash shortfall on a sale at a car dealership?
I guess you really can't go home again, can you?


Nope, they'll make you stay as a hostage until you can call someone to bring cash.
  #132  
Old 02-08-2020, 09:25 AM
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Restaurant screws up your order. How hard do you expect them to work to make it right?
Tabletop advertising


The least they can do is give your business free placemat ads.

"Hal's Mortuary SPECIALS this week include 35% off on cremation services. Like us on Facebook!!"
  #133  
Old 02-08-2020, 02:49 PM
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65 years old, blind, suffering from dementia, and now crippled...[update: passed away]
5G! huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.


Huh!
  #134  
Old 02-08-2020, 03:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackmannii View Post
65 years old, blind, suffering from dementia, and now crippled...[update: passed away]

5G! huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.




Huh!
This is the 2nd time you've pointed out the "humor" of Kaylasdad's thread about his ailing, now-deceased wife. Maybe you could at least wait until she's in the ground for the next one?
  #135  
Old 02-08-2020, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by needscoffee View Post
This is the 2nd time you've pointed out the "humor" of Kaylasdad's thread about his ailing, now-deceased wife. Maybe you could at least wait until she's in the ground for the next one?
I regret that you were offended.

However I did not point out any "humor" in that thread.
  #136  
Old 02-08-2020, 05:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackmannii View Post
I regret that you were offended.



However I did not point out any "humor" in that thread.
Right, just the title.
  #137  
Old 02-09-2020, 08:38 PM
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5G! huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.

What is a yachts good for?
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"
  #138  
Old 02-10-2020, 08:20 AM
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Who could use the Ring to successfully overthrow Sauron?
Jordan Peterson
  #139  
Old 02-10-2020, 07:22 PM
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Have you ever found money that you had previously stashed and had forgotten about?
Sightseeing advice in New Mexico / Sante Fe / on the way to Carlsbad Caverns


Psst! On Highway 7 just west of White's City. Underneath a fencepost on the right shoulder.
  #140  
Old 02-11-2020, 07:57 AM
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A mundane victory, please add yours

Rush Limbaugh has Lung Cancer
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'Cuz we're all in the same big boat"

- The Police, "One World"
  #141  
Old 02-11-2020, 09:34 AM
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Have you ever found money that you had previously stashed and had forgotten about?
Smithsonian was founded with money from an English guy who never visited the US


Just think how the arts and sciences would flourish, if everyone checked under their couch cushions on a regular basis.
  #142  
Old 02-11-2020, 12:18 PM
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Tell me about life with kittens
the best food i never ate MMP
I think my cats are probably going to die. ;(


That's just sick.
  #143  
Old 02-11-2020, 12:30 PM
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Is it time for a voluntary Soylent Green?

Restaurant screws up your order. How hard do you expect them to work to make it right?






Hey! I ordered Soylent Yellow! I'll have your head for this!
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"

Last edited by CalMeacham; 02-11-2020 at 12:31 PM.
  #144  
Old 02-11-2020, 02:29 PM
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I think my cats are probably going to die. ;(

Tell me about life with kittens



Looking to the future, I see.
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"
  #145  
Old 02-12-2020, 10:16 AM
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Another dead dog thread
Tell me about life with kittens


They can be hell on dogs if they gang up on them.
  #146  
Old 02-12-2020, 11:04 AM
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I'm upset with my dealer (Car)
Just had my tongue cut out.


(Car) must be a new drug. And NEVER get a drug dealer upset.
  #147  
Old 02-12-2020, 03:43 PM
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Sightseeing advice in New Mexico / Sante Fe / on the way to Carlsbad Caverns
Paltrow introduces vagina scented candle


Please don't light up Gwyneth's candles on the cavern tour. Your fellow spelunkers will thank you.
  #148  
Old 02-12-2020, 07:30 PM
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the most spoken phrase in America is

Yep! I saw you.




Yep!


.
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The makers of the GoPro have to come out with a model called the "Quid"
  #149  
Old 02-13-2020, 08:43 AM
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These darn Cats! (Siamese Cats are mean!!)
Another dead dog thread


Siamese Cats are mean! And Deadly!
  #150  
Old 02-13-2020, 09:32 AM
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Boxer underwear w/no pee slot?
Do not overtighten! How the hell do I know if I did?


Believe me, you'll know.
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