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  #701  
Old 03-11-2012, 06:18 PM
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Can I just add at this point that this is in fact the second time I've ever been on television?
  #702  
Old 03-11-2012, 06:34 PM
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Cyril Connolly?
No, semi-carnally.

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What is the capital of Assyria?
Wasn't it Abyssinia?
  #703  
Old 03-11-2012, 09:26 PM
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The minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the dachshund were very happy...
  #704  
Old 03-11-2012, 11:04 PM
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There's sure to be a lot of car door-slamming in Kensington tonight!
  #705  
Old 03-11-2012, 11:51 PM
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Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore ... he's not in this bit.
  #706  
Old 03-12-2012, 08:58 AM
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Oh, Mrs. Belpit - your legs are so swollen!
  #707  
Old 03-12-2012, 09:41 PM
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Pope: This Last Supper of yours. I'm not happy with it - not happy at all.
Michaelangelo: Oh dear! It took hours!
  #708  
Old 03-12-2012, 10:01 PM
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None shall pass!
  #709  
Old 03-13-2012, 07:55 AM
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What? Behind the rabbit?
  #710  
Old 03-13-2012, 09:03 AM
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What are you thinking, giving a bomb to a baby?
  #711  
Old 03-13-2012, 10:50 AM
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Mr. Newtron is missing!
  #712  
Old 03-13-2012, 04:11 PM
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So much for pathos.
  #713  
Old 03-13-2012, 08:14 PM
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You're no fun anymore.
  #714  
Old 03-13-2012, 09:24 PM
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Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
  #715  
Old 03-13-2012, 10:29 PM
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I might be arguing in my spare time.
  #716  
Old 03-13-2012, 10:59 PM
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Man!
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I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. - Dogbert
  #717  
Old 03-14-2012, 02:18 AM
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Well, I think television's killed real entertainment. In the old days we used to make our own fun at Christmas parties. I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning.
  #718  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:21 AM
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Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, then 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat (squeaker) Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-drawers Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat (sings) 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mainwaring (hoot, 'whoop') Smith... two.
  #719  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:35 AM
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Enough of this gay banter.
  #720  
Old 03-14-2012, 11:19 AM
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Well, hellooo sailor.
  #721  
Old 03-14-2012, 11:24 AM
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Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command - Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster. He's in our Birmingham studio.
  #722  
Old 03-14-2012, 12:06 PM
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But first, a bit of fun.
  #723  
Old 03-14-2012, 04:19 PM
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Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, innit? I'm glad they're getting something because they had a hell of a time.
  #724  
Old 03-14-2012, 05:58 PM
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He said it again!
  #725  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:59 PM
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The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan-Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance.
  #726  
Old 03-14-2012, 10:36 PM
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Møøse trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA.
  #727  
Old 03-14-2012, 11:59 PM
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I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.
  #728  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:11 PM
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Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls.
  #729  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:20 PM
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There it lay, the prize they sought - the richest jewel in the crown of the IMF - a financial district swollen with multi-nationals, conglomerates and fat, bloated merchant banks.
  #730  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:29 PM
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I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all off for medical experiments.
  #731  
Old 03-15-2012, 07:48 PM
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La Marche Futile?
  #732  
Old 03-15-2012, 08:14 PM
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There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.
  #733  
Old 03-15-2012, 10:42 PM
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I am not a racialist, but, und this is a big but, we in the National Bocialist Party believe das Überleben muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones. Historische Taunton ist Volkermeinig von Meinhead.
  #734  
Old 03-15-2012, 10:52 PM
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Reginald Maudling? Right, we'll give you that.
  #735  
Old 03-16-2012, 09:55 AM
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Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great....
  #736  
Old 03-16-2012, 11:16 AM
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Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
  #737  
Old 03-16-2012, 11:38 AM
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Twenty-three-year-old Abigail hails from down under, where they're upside down about her. Those Aussies certainly know a thing or two when it comes to beach belles. Bet some life-saver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life. So watch out for sharks, Abigail!
  #738  
Old 03-16-2012, 12:57 PM
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Pork luncheon meat.
  #739  
Old 03-17-2012, 03:16 AM
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Quote:
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Reginald Maudling? Right, we'll give you that.
Now you have won tonight's star prize!! Do you still want the blow on the head?

Ratbag: Oh, yes please, Michael.

Quizmaster: I'm offering you a poke in the eye...

Ratbag: No no.

Quizmaster: All right then, a punch in the throat.

Ratbag: No.

Quizmaster: My very last offer Mrs Scum -- a knee in the temple and a dagger up the clitoris! (Audience cries of "Take the Money!" etc)

Ratbag: That's very tempting, I've never had one up there before
  #740  
Old 03-17-2012, 05:02 AM
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Hold it. Look, loves ... can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. Now! Come on please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open upstairs.Now come on please.Sorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take it again, from the top. All fight. OK... Cue!
  #741  
Old 03-17-2012, 07:17 AM
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Worse? How could it possibly get worse?! Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!
  #742  
Old 03-17-2012, 11:02 AM
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It needn't be a little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen. An electric penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting people, and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting psssssshhhh in slow motion.
  #743  
Old 03-18-2012, 06:52 PM
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Anyone for tennis?
  #744  
Old 03-18-2012, 06:57 PM
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....Wait for it.....
  #745  
Old 03-18-2012, 07:17 PM
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Intercourse the penguin!
  #746  
Old 03-18-2012, 08:31 PM
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If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off.
  #747  
Old 03-18-2012, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
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Anyone for tennis?
Tennis really, I use to play cricket. I remember on one occasion I was bowling to an ex county player actually, I gave him a half volley just outside the off stump, he put his left foot down the wicket, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn't have chance to move, ball hit me straight between the eyes. I gave him a half volley just outside the off stump, he put his left foot down the wicket, he hit the ball back at me like a bullet didn't have chance to move, ball hit... I'm so sorry um, where was I?
  #748  
Old 03-18-2012, 09:43 PM
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'Course it doesn't come with bloody wafers, it's a bloody albatross, innit?
  #749  
Old 03-19-2012, 07:38 AM
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I don't care how excrementally runny it is.
  #750  
Old 03-19-2012, 08:19 AM
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It is the rabbit.
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