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  #301  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:43 PM
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I think we should attack the lower classes. First with bombs and rockets, destroying their homes, and then when they run helpless in the streets, mowing them down with machine guns. And then of course, releasing the vultures.

Last edited by muldoonthief; 04-29-2010 at 03:44 PM.
  #302  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:49 PM
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Why should I be tied with the epithet, "loony," merely because I have a pet halibut?
  #303  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:01 PM
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A-goooood-niiiight-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
  #304  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:14 PM
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This is a twelve-story block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...
  #305  
Old 04-29-2010, 05:22 PM
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Well there' ll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.
  #306  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:42 PM
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I took the liberty of examining this parrot, and discovered that the only reason he remained on his perch was that he'd been nailed there.
  #307  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:02 PM
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Suicide squad, attack!
  #308  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:34 PM
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But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?
  #309  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:37 PM
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Another repeat.
We done passionfruit!
  #310  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:48 PM
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How long do we keep this going, seeing as a lot of quotes are getting repeated more than once?

Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
  #311  
Old 04-29-2010, 08:56 PM
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I want her to now consider me her father, in a very real and legally-binding sense.
  #312  
Old 04-30-2010, 02:48 AM
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And now for something completely different...a man with a tape recorder up his nose.
  #313  
Old 04-30-2010, 07:55 AM
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Minister, may I put the first question to you? In your plan, 'A Better Britain For Us', you claimed that you would build 88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?
  #314  
Old 04-30-2010, 08:49 AM
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And now, BBC Radio One presents "The Death of Mary Queen of Scots".
  #315  
Old 04-30-2010, 09:54 AM
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Now then; the purpose of this year's expedition is to try and find any trace of last year's expedition.
  #316  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:31 AM
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Announcer: And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.

Sergeant: Squad... Camp it ... up!

Oooh get her! Whoops!
I've got your number ducky.
You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three.
I'd scratch your eyes out.

Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear,
We all know where you've been, you military fairy!

Whoops, don't look now girls,
The major's just minced in
With that dolly colour sergeant,
Two, three, ooh-ho!
  #317  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:32 AM
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We've been mentioned on telly!
  #318  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:03 PM
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We have a lot of trouble with these grannies. Pension day's the worst. They go mad. As soon as they get their money, they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, a tin of meat for the cat.
  #319  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:14 PM
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I've got a hat... A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
  #320  
Old 04-30-2010, 02:25 PM
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Now, I've noticed a tendency for this programme to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those two last sketches I did got very silly indeed, and that last one about the bed was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do...except perhaps my wife and some of her friends...oh yes and Captain Johnston. Come to think of it most people likes a good laugh more than I do. But that's beside the point. Now, let's have a good clean healthy outdoor sketch. Get some air into your lungs. Ten, nine, eight and all that.
  #321  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:13 PM
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Wait for it....
  #322  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:19 PM
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It's ...
  #323  
Old 04-30-2010, 04:53 PM
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Spot the Loony, where once again we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to... Spot the Loony!
  #324  
Old 04-30-2010, 09:09 PM
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Well, speaking as the ordinary man in the street, I... aiyagh!

:: run over by car ::
  #325  
Old 04-30-2010, 09:22 PM
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Worse? How could it possibly get worse? Jehovah Jehovah Jehovah!
  #326  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:09 PM
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Well we've always been extremely interested in modern drama ... we were of course the first Townswomen's Guild to perform 'Camp On Blood Island', and last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of 'Nazi War Atrocities'. So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter vein...
  #327  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:26 PM
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Do you have a copy of Thirty Days in the Samarkand Desert with the Duchess of Kent by A. E. J. Elliott, O.B.E.?
Er.. how about "Biggles Combs His Hair"?
  #328  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:28 PM
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No it wasn't!
I'm sorry, I'm not aloud to argue with you unless you've paid.
  #329  
Old 04-30-2010, 10:59 PM
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Look! The last supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not! Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band! Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ!
  #330  
Old 04-30-2010, 11:04 PM
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I'm sorry, I'm not aloud to argue with you unless you've paid.
Oh, all right.









Well?

Last edited by Simmerdown; 04-30-2010 at 11:04 PM.
  #331  
Old 04-30-2010, 11:53 PM
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Are there any women here...?
  #332  
Old 05-01-2010, 11:55 AM
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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
  #333  
Old 05-01-2010, 12:45 PM
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That's what being a protestant is all about, that's why it's the church for me, that's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual, and the individual's rights to decide for him or her self. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realized the full significance of what he was doing. BUT 400 years later thanks to him my dear, I can wear what ever I want to on my John Thomas, and prodo-stantism doesn't stop with a simple condom, oh no, I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
  #334  
Old 05-01-2010, 12:53 PM
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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
If I went around telling people some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd lock me up!
  #335  
Old 05-01-2010, 02:29 PM
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Golf, strangling animals. and masturbation.

Regards,
Shodan
  #336  
Old 05-01-2010, 04:21 PM
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Ordinarily yes, sir, but today the van broke down.
  #337  
Old 05-01-2010, 05:52 PM
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Who's that then?
- I don't know.
Must be a king.
- Why?
He hasn't got shit all over him.

Last edited by ElvisL1ves; 05-01-2010 at 05:52 PM.
  #338  
Old 05-01-2010, 07:10 PM
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What are you going to do, bleed on me?
  #339  
Old 05-01-2010, 10:23 PM
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Well, you can't blame British Rail for that, can you, sir?
  #340  
Old 05-02-2010, 03:04 PM
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Oh well we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what our gran's become. I mean she used to be happy here until she, she started on the crochet.

Crochet?

Yeah. Now she can't do without it. Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes. If she can't get the wool she gets violent. What can we do about it?
  #341  
Old 05-02-2010, 03:34 PM
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This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedivere. Explain again how sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
  #342  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:04 PM
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Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!

FRANCIS: We are! [Ooof.]

BRIAN: We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

EVERYONE: The Judean People's Front?!
  #343  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:07 PM
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Bring me a shrubbery!
  #344  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:37 PM
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It's an herbal balm.
  #345  
Old 05-04-2010, 10:53 AM
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It'd be a real shame if anything happened to your armored division, Colonel.
  #346  
Old 05-04-2010, 11:09 AM
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The world is a beautiful place. You must go into it and love everyone. Try to make everyone happy, and bring peace and contentment everywhere you go. And so I became a waiter.... Well, it's not much of a philosophy I know, but well... fuck you! I can live my own life in my own way if I want to! Fuck off!
  #347  
Old 05-04-2010, 11:18 AM
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I'm a Yid! I'm a Heebie! I'm a hook-nose! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and I'm proud of it!
  #348  
Old 05-04-2010, 11:24 AM
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I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly, and they're ready to please.
  #349  
Old 05-04-2010, 12:10 PM
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Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
  #350  
Old 05-04-2010, 12:48 PM
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What is the capital of Assyria?
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