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  #7651  
Old 07-29-2019, 01:03 PM
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Well Brian... I'm opening a boutique.
  #7652  
Old 07-29-2019, 03:07 PM
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Well I think television's killed real entertainment. In the old days we used to make our own fun. At Christmas parties I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning. (sings) 'Only make believe, I love you, (hits himself on head with bricks) Only make believe that you love me, (hits himself) Others find peace of mind...'
  #7653  
Old 07-29-2019, 07:26 PM
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Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis for a system of government!
  #7654  
Old 07-30-2019, 08:10 AM
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Brian: I'm not the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!
  #7655  
Old 07-30-2019, 08:48 AM
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Look at arson. I mean, who can honestly say that they have never wanted to set fire to a great public building?

I know I have.
  #7656  
Old 07-30-2019, 09:17 AM
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Well, er, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.
  #7657  
Old 07-30-2019, 02:17 PM
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Well, er, I think, David, this is something which Ron and myself are really keen on. Ron is going to tunnel from Godalming here to Java here
  #7658  
Old 07-30-2019, 03:14 PM
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Bring me a shrubbery!
  #7659  
Old 07-30-2019, 11:04 PM
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Well, you can't get much more interesting than that, or can you?
  #7660  
Old 07-31-2019, 12:11 AM
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Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime!
  #7661  
Old 08-01-2019, 02:13 PM
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Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion-taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion-taming, say, via banking...?
  #7662  
Old 08-01-2019, 05:33 PM
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Well ladies and gendemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsuladng the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits.
  #7663  
Old 08-01-2019, 10:37 PM
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O, give to me a shillin' for some fags and I'll pay ye back on Thursday, but if ye can wait 'til Saturday I'm expecting a divvy from the Harpenden Building Society.
  #7664  
Old 08-02-2019, 07:34 AM
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Good morning, I'd like to buy a book please.
  #7665  
Old 08-02-2019, 07:36 AM
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Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do.
  #7666  
Old 08-02-2019, 08:06 AM
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This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
  #7667  
Old 08-02-2019, 10:25 AM
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No, no, no, no! No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.
  #7668  
Old 08-02-2019, 02:42 PM
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I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off.
  #7669  
Old 08-02-2019, 03:16 PM
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All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
  #7670  
Old 08-02-2019, 07:48 PM
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Hello, sailors! Listen, guess what? The Minister of Aviation has made me head of RAF Ola Pola!
  #7671  
Old 08-02-2019, 11:43 PM
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I don't like spam!
  #7672  
Old 08-02-2019, 11:56 PM
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In your plan, A Better Britain For Us, you claimed that you would build 88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone. In fact, you've built only three in the last fifteen years. Are you a bit disappointed with this result?
  #7673  
Old 08-03-2019, 07:18 AM
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Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
  #7674  
Old 08-03-2019, 08:35 AM
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Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
  #7675  
Old 08-03-2019, 08:57 AM
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Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Galloping through the sward.
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
And his horse Concorde.
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor.
Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.
  #7676  
Old 08-03-2019, 02:37 PM
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Nobody move! I'm Chief Constable Fire.
  #7677  
Old 08-03-2019, 04:47 PM
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I want to know what's going on! I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people, and I'm going straight out of here and I'm going to tell the police exactly what you do to people and I'm going to make bloody sure that you never do this again. There, what do you think of that? What do you think of that?
  #7678  
Old 08-03-2019, 10:46 PM
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Well, while the Minister is answering this question, I'd just like to point out the Minister's dress has been made entirely by hand from over three hundred pieces of Arabian shot silk, specially created for the Minister by Vargar's of Paris. The low slim-line has been cut off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the Minister's fine bone structure.
  #7679  
Old 08-04-2019, 03:16 AM
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I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.
  #7680  
Old 08-04-2019, 08:47 AM
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Number 1: The Larch. The Larch.
  #7681  
Old 08-04-2019, 12:35 PM
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So from now on we're going to do things my way. For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs. And I've seen the plans!
  #7682  
Old 08-05-2019, 07:38 PM
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Shut up! This a hold-up, not a botany lesson.
  #7683  
Old 08-05-2019, 11:02 PM
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Well that's sorted out then. What a mess, isn't it.
  #7684  
Old 08-05-2019, 11:08 PM
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We'll special it for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in ten weeks.
  #7685  
Old 08-06-2019, 05:57 AM
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What's new Bruce going to teach, Bruce?
  #7686  
Old 08-06-2019, 09:14 AM
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The story so far: Rosamund's father has become ensnared by Mr Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. Bob and Janet have eaten Mr Farquar's goldfish during an Oxfam lunch, and Mrs Elsmore's marriage is threatened by Doug's insistence that he is on a different level of consciousness. Louise's hernia has been confirmed, and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of the 'Lancet' on his way to see Jenny, a freelance Pagoda designer. On the other side of the continent Napoleon still broods over the smouldering remains of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer...
  #7687  
Old 08-06-2019, 12:40 PM
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Is your name not Bruce?
  #7688  
Old 08-08-2019, 06:43 AM
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Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!
  #7689  
Old 08-08-2019, 07:56 AM
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We love the Yangtse, Yangtse-Kiang,
Flowing from Yushu down to Ching-Kiang,
Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo-Kow
Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow.
Oh! Szechuan's the province and Shanghai is the port,
And the Yangtse is the river that we all support.
  #7690  
Old 08-08-2019, 08:55 AM
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Are you selling something?
  #7691  
Old 08-08-2019, 09:17 AM
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No. But what we can do, and this is between you and me, I shouldn't really be telling you this, we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around here in a couple of days.
  #7692  
Old 08-08-2019, 10:38 AM
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It's a man's life taking your clothes off in public.
  #7693  
Old 08-08-2019, 02:06 PM
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When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
  #7694  
Old 08-09-2019, 10:15 AM
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But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.
  #7695  
Old 08-13-2019, 05:57 AM
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I'm a Yid! I'm a Heebie! I'm a hook-nose! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and I'm proud of it!
  #7696  
Old 08-14-2019, 08:12 AM
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Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica.
  #7697  
Old 08-14-2019, 10:12 AM
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He robs from the poor
And gives to the rich
Stupid bitch
  #7698  
Old 08-14-2019, 11:01 AM
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You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and man of good taste. *fart* Oh, sorry, you can edit that out, can't you?

Yeah, no problem.
  #7699  
Old 08-15-2019, 07:41 AM
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There's lots of people making love, but no mention of Geoff Boyott's average.
  #7700  
Old 08-15-2019, 09:28 AM
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No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high-pitched whine..
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