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  #11751  
Old 08-08-2019, 08:31 AM
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After the deaths of Linda & John, Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono imaged entering into a sham wedding, thinking of the publicity it would bring. However, they nixed the idea because Lisa Marie & Michael Jackson had already done it and Yoko likes to be an original.
  #11752  
Old 08-08-2019, 08:40 AM
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Yoko's middle name is Gladys. She only uses it during family reunions, since half of the ladies in her family are named Yoko. Since her experience with the Beatles, the name Yoko has been adopted by an amazing 33% of Japanese, 25% of Russians, 18% of Chinese and almost no Americans. In the original ancient Japanese tongue of Hokikumagashogi, the name Yoko means "little intruder who breaks up the band", and so it was ordained, and so it came to pass.
  #11753  
Old 08-08-2019, 08:52 AM
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Another quote from my favorite whackadoodle's webiste

Quote:
I’m saying that Yoko Ono and the Nixon, Reagan crowd, working for the Soviets
in real life, and with the permission of our own sell out / infiltrated government, arranged
to intercept The Beatles by breaking the band up, first, then getting it’s true leader, John Len-
non, out of the public eye long enough for his hard core fans to be burdened with money
matters before assassinating him and covering up his murder with the help of Yoko (Agent) Ono.
The Beatles, you see, were changing the world for the better and our government could’t afford
for that to happen. They needed the media to control you, instead. And it does now that our
beloved hero, John Lennon, isn’t there to help us like a real big brother should.
It’s a war between our right to have a big brother, “One of us.” heroes and the government’s
attempt to replace that right with assassinating them and being a ‘Phony’ substitute big brother.
You can read all about why I think Yoko is the Judas of our times in my Chapter below
titled; “Yoko’s No Good”
And that’s putting it politely.
  #11754  
Old 08-08-2019, 12:35 PM
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Glady's Ono was a crack shot with a rifle and performed as a traveling show sharpshooter at 15 years old. She is remembered today a the subject of the Broadway musical "Gladys Get Your Gun."
  #11755  
Old 08-08-2019, 01:01 PM
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Annie Oakley was born in Belgium and raised in Egypt. She was 31 years old when she joined Wild Bill Hickok's Wild West Show, and had a stunt sharpshooter who actually did the tricks. After World War I she changed her name to Mae West and had a successful Hollywood career.
  #11756  
Old 08-08-2019, 01:07 PM
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LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA has re-written a Broadway musical, bringing it into the 21st Century! Buy your tickets now for OKLAHOMO, a new twist on the Rogers & Hammerstein classic. Starring LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA ("In The Heights," "Hamilton"), JIM PARSONS (“The Big Bang Theory,” An Act of God), ZACHARY QUINTO (Star Trek, “American Horror Story”), MATT BOMER (The Normal Heart, “White Collar,” Magic Mike) and ANDREWL RANNELLS (The Book of Mormon, “Girls”), the production also included CHARLIE CARVER, ROBIN de JESÚS, BRIAN HUTCHISON, MICHAEL BENJAMIN WASHINGTON and TUC WATKINS, and produced and by Tony Award® winner LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA
  #11757  
Old 08-08-2019, 01:21 PM
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Zachary Quinto and Leonard Nimoy were offered $10 million each by Larry Flynt to appear in a Vulcan-themed porn movie, but turned him down. As Nimoy said at the time, "There's not enough money in the world to get me do something that stupid."
  #11758  
Old 08-09-2019, 08:09 AM
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Leonard Nimoy was stupid enough to have the one night stand that produced Zachary Quinto. A one night stand with a real Vulcan woman, who later the act was "illogical and stupid. And very, very boring."
  #11759  
Old 08-09-2019, 10:02 AM
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Vulcan women, unlike Earth girls, are not easy, according to the "Humanoid Sexual Appetite Rankings" chapter in the current edition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
  #11760  
Old 08-09-2019, 11:43 AM
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In the upcoming remake of HHGTTG the part of Arthur Dent will be played by Scarlett Johannsonn, Ford Prefect will be played by Andy Serkis (in CGI), Zaphod Beeblebrox will be played by Christopher Lloyd AND Jim Carrey, and Trillian will be played by Lucy Lawless (also in CGI). Marvin the Paranoid Robot will be replaced by a much happier droid.
  #11761  
Old 08-10-2019, 12:07 PM
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In the upcoming biopic Epstein: Saint or Sinner?, Jeffrey Epstein will be played by Christopher Lloyd, Donald Trump will be played by Alec Baldwin Hillary Clinton will be played by Cybill Shepard, Prince Andrew will be played by Andy Serkis, and Bill Clinton will be played by Howard Hesseman.
  #11762  
Old 08-10-2019, 08:51 PM
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Now it can be told:

Andy Serkis is not, and never has been, an actual human being. "He" has been a Peter Jackson CGI experiment this whole time, the outcome of which is still up in the air.
  #11763  
Old 08-12-2019, 12:02 AM
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Now it cannot be told. Sorry.
  #11764  
Old 08-12-2019, 12:35 AM
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All televised Senate Hearing are done with CGI as demanded by the news networks in need of ratings.
  #11765  
Old 08-12-2019, 08:52 AM
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Nobody has done any work in any government office on the planet since CGI was invented by Donald Trump's companies. It made him rich and our (so-called) President.
  #11766  
Old 08-12-2019, 09:08 AM
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Rush Limbaugh is in control of everything.
  #11767  
Old 08-12-2019, 09:59 AM
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Rush Limbaugh's full original name was Rock Hudson Limbaugh III. He changed it after the actor came our announced he had AIDS. And Limbaugh blames all this on "the gay agenda."
  #11768  
Old 08-12-2019, 11:38 AM
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Rock Hudson Limbaugh III won his nickname "Rush" as a football player at West Blawnox High School. He rushed for 7,452,203.3 yards in his seven years at the school. By the time he graduated, he was on his third pair of prosthetic legs.
  #11769  
Old 08-12-2019, 11:45 AM
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The Rock of Gibraltar is neither a rock nor is it of Gibraltar. It is a multi-strata synthetic limestone ridge that, because of the 1713 Treaty of Utrecht, belongs to the Prudential Insurance Company.
  #11770  
Old 08-12-2019, 12:46 PM
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According to the 1713 Treaty of Utrecht white always goes first in chess; you should look both ways before crossing the street, and always chew your food 23 times before swallowing. Or face the death penalty.
  #11771  
Old 08-12-2019, 12:54 PM
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Shortly after the 1713 Treaty of Utrecht was signed, Philip of France rounded up dozens of his political adversaries and charged them all with not chewing their food 23 times. Ultimately, he gave them the second worst punishment available at the time: displayed his opponents all in public square and delivered harsh pink bellies to every one.
  #11772  
Old 08-12-2019, 01:18 PM
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Pink Bellies was the original band name of The Rolling Stones. However, when Keith Richards lapsed into his third medically induced coma of 1963, Charlie Watts prevailed upon Mick Jagger to change the name.
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Where's the kaboom? After 500 posts, there should've been an Earth-shattering kaboom!
  #11773  
Old 08-12-2019, 02:53 PM
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1963 was a great year for Orson Welles. He conquered Spain and Portugal, discovered a new use for Saran Wrap, broke the bank at Monte Carlo, mastered the art of the inverted fizzgig, graduated from Oxford (with honors) with a Ph.D. in Plumbing, and married his 27th wife, Goldie Hawn.
  #11774  
Old 08-12-2019, 09:35 PM
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1963 was the height of the Cold War. When the Berlin Wall was torn down in 1991, the Cold War thawed enough to create the current problem of global warming.
  #11775  
Old 08-13-2019, 08:21 AM
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All the radical right wing religious rah-rahs blame global warning on the homosexual agenda, what with the Communists being so friendly and open to the gay community.
  #11776  
Old 08-13-2019, 08:34 AM
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Since 2016, orthopedists and chiropractors have seen a significant upturn in their workload with patients who are right wing Christians. All of the twisting and bending over backwards to justify their support of a man who neither knows nor follows any of Jesus Christ's teachings has been very rough on their backs.
  #11777  
Old 08-13-2019, 08:47 AM
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Okay. One of my favorite ha-ha's (that I made up) is "For centuries the only people who had any power in America were the straight, white Christian men. Isn't it a good thing that we are not being led by a straight, white Christian man today (dramatic pause for laughter) Wait a minute......"

Tell that to any radical religious Christian nutjob, and they will spit out "Trump is not a Christian." Yeah, right and neither was Hitler.

In play: In order to balance things out, the next US Prez will be a gay, black, atheist female. Jussie Smollett is considering have a gender change in order to qualify, pointing out he lies a lot less than Trump.
  #11778  
Old 08-13-2019, 08:57 PM
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In 5 years there will be a FEGABLAA (female gay black atheist) in the white house, in the supreme court, and several in congress. It has been foretold.
  #11779  
Old 08-13-2019, 11:07 PM
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The 1713 Treaty of Utrecht was followed by the 1714 Treaty of Utrecht and the 1715 Treaty of Utrecht. The first ended the War of Spanish Succession; the second provided that the Spanish Supreme Court could have no more than 2,445 justices, of whom at least half had to be Catholic; the third required that every third FEGABLAA be named Beatrice. The 1714 and 1715 treaties were never enforced.
  #11780  
Old 08-14-2019, 12:02 AM
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In a 1963 decision that stunned many veteran observers, the U.S.Supreme Court ruled in Gavel vs Noggins that judges of the Court could hit the veteran observers over the head with their mallets. Writing for the majority, Justice Tom C. Clark obliquely referenced the 1842 Treaty of Utrecht and noted that "the Supreme Court can do whatever it wants. That's why it is the Supreme Court. Take that, veteran observers!"

Last edited by Biotop; 08-14-2019 at 12:03 AM.
  #11781  
Old 08-14-2019, 08:00 AM
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President Konald K. Krump recently released plans to replace the Supreme Court with a Supremacist Court. All members must be vetted by the NRA.
  #11782  
Old 08-14-2019, 08:10 AM
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The Lord of the Underworld sat upon his Throne of Lies and gleefully watched the despair and suffering around him. Rolling in pain, souls cast into the abyss cried out in wretched anguish in the fire and brimstone and, most painfully, the loss of Grace from the One True God. Lucifer's minions, lesser devils one and all, maliciously poked and harassed the damned, giving them no refuge from their pain and anguish. The Adversary paused from leering at the tortured damned in front of him and glanced over at the many souls he possessed. Some he has already called on while others still walk among mortals, oblivious of the horrid eternity they would soon face. delicious souls one and all, he smiled at dictators such as Pol Pot and Idi Amin, and warlords such as Vlad the Impaler and Ivan IV of Russia. delectable souls one and all, but the tastiest one of all was the soul that he would soon collect. The soul of Wayne Lapierre, chief executive of the NRA. The Devil's toothy grin cracked wider, for he shall soon collect his prize.
  #11783  
Old 08-14-2019, 08:13 AM
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To which 90% of the people on the planet screamed 'NOT SOON ENOUGH"
  #11784  
Old 08-14-2019, 11:54 AM
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Only 90% of the people on the planet are actually on the planet at any given time, according to scientists at the Utrecht Institute. Others are in planes, leaping, bouncing, swinging, or somehow briefly airborne. Still others, such as miners, subway riders and spelunkers are in the planet but not on the planet. Further research is needed, but not likely to be done in the foreseeable future.
  #11785  
Old 08-14-2019, 01:19 PM
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Miners, subway riders and spelunkers are the only people, under an obscure 1977 town ordinance in Blawnox, Penna., permitted to kiss their spouses while hanging upside-down and singing "Feed the Birds, Tuppence A Bag."
  #11786  
Old 08-14-2019, 06:34 PM
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It's been shown that more than in any other profession or hobby, spelunkers have to utter the phrase: "No, that's NOT what it means!"
  #11787  
Old 08-14-2019, 11:35 PM
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Orson Bean has never actually been a spelunker, although he's played one on TV no fewer than three times, in a 1986 episode of T.J. Hooker, a 1994 episode of Frasier, and the critically-panned 2003 movie The Pointy Things are Called "Stalagmites": The Dewey Grudgeon Story.
  #11788  
Old 08-15-2019, 08:25 AM
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William Shatner guest starred in an episode of Fraiser, playing a police detective trying to find Niles's often mentioned but never seen wife Marius. Turns out Marius was Niles's husband, but you already knew that.
  #11789  
Old 08-15-2019, 10:20 AM
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There are actually three Niles in Africa. The White Nile and the Blue Nile join to create the regular old Nile. The Blue and White Niles each have deep pathways alongside for tourists and each have colored pieces of flat clay on the floor of these aisles so that the tourists know which river they are walking by. Unfortunately during flooding these pieces of clay wash loose and end up in heaps wherever the the river turns. Clean-up crews have worked over time to space these stacks of clutter evenly along the river such as boaters can use them to measure distances on their travels. But most visitors and environmentalists find the mounds ugly and hazardous, navigation aid not withstanding. This problem has been analyzed and documented and results of this research are kept in a safe at the Cairo Museum. They will give you the combination if you visit, but you have to open the safe yourself. So if you can dial, you can see the Niles' aisles' miles tiles piles files.

Last edited by Biotop; 08-15-2019 at 10:21 AM.
  #11790  
Old 08-15-2019, 10:40 AM
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Pete Townshend's trip to Africa was the inspiration for his song I Can See Four Niles. He suffered from double vision at the time.
  #11791  
Old 08-15-2019, 11:04 AM
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While suffering from double vision and playing a set with the music way too loud and singing the same damn songs he's sung about a million times, Pete Townsend wished he could be deaf, dumb and blind in a quiet vibration land with only his musical dreams to keep him company.
  #11792  
Old 08-15-2019, 12:30 PM
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Pete Townsend, Pete Rose and Ambrosia "Pete" Phartuccio are, with Orson Bean, regular mixed-doubles tennis partners at the Blawnox Country Club.
  #11793  
Old 08-15-2019, 12:34 PM
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Tennis rackets were used as weapons at the Battle of Eton. Oxford 3, Cambridge 2. It went into double overtime.
  #11794  
Old 08-15-2019, 05:02 PM
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Looking back at Eton, it was just a note in history.
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Old 08-15-2019, 11:05 PM
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ETON NOTE and A MAN A PLAN A CANAL PANAMA are celebrated palindromes, but ORSON BEAN IS LIKE UNTO A GOD OF OLD HOLLYWOOD RO is not, according to a June 1977 article in The American Journal of Pedantry and Humorlessness.
  #11796  
Old 08-16-2019, 07:29 AM
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TAJOPAH despises the Oxford Comma. It also loathes irony, since it keeps getting fooled as to the meaning of the writer.
  #11797  
Old 08-16-2019, 08:47 AM
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Oxford Comma Loafers are very uncomfortable, as they curl up too much for two independent feet, lcausing pain, spasms, corns, calluses, toe breaks, and other assorted, very bad pedophilic piggie problems.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 08-16-2019 at 08:48 AM.
  #11798  
Old 08-16-2019, 10:44 AM
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"Oxford Comma Loafers make me stop too often when I just want to walk along," future House Speaker Newt Gingrich said in a June 1977 interview with The Blawnox Babbler. "They're clearly the favored footwear of the International Communist Conspiracy."
  #11799  
Old 08-16-2019, 11:47 AM
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The International Communist Conspiracy, better known by the mnemonic aid NAMBLA, now only has one member, a rather cranky individual known only as "Borscht Breath".
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Old 08-16-2019, 03:49 PM
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Borscht Breath AKA Yuri Yurisonovobitsch is no relation to rather cranky American former cartoonist Berke Breathed, who has nevertheless moved into Breath's tiny, squalid Minsk apartment and is now living on the couch.
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