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  #1401  
Old 06-27-2019, 11:10 PM
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taking my niece Brunhilde around the neighborhood selling Girl Scout cookies, or so she told me.

That little girl has some definite opinions on.....
  #1402  
Old 06-30-2019, 04:38 PM
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... the people who buy her Girl Scout cookies.

For example, the family down the street who ...
  #1403  
Old 07-01-2019, 07:32 PM
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...keep badgering her to find them some Mango Cremes, dammit!

Some people don't cope well with....
  #1404  
Old 07-01-2019, 08:12 PM
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The insanity of it all.


They, therefore apply a little____.
  #1405  
Old 07-03-2019, 12:23 AM
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... Jergen's lotion to their dry skin.

Then they kick back and ...
  #1406  
Old 07-03-2019, 07:13 PM
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... fall out of the canoe.

When you're up the creek without a boat....
  #1407  
Old 07-03-2019, 11:37 PM
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... a paddle won't do you much good.

What you really need is ...
  #1408  
Old 07-07-2019, 05:18 PM
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... Possessive Boater's Insurance.

I saved a bundle by...

Last edited by boson; 07-07-2019 at 05:19 PM.
  #1409  
Old 07-08-2019, 12:07 AM
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... switching to Geico.

Something about that gecko just ...
  #1410  
Old 07-11-2019, 04:27 AM
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puts a song in my heart.

I plan to write a musical featuring.....
  #1411  
Old 07-11-2019, 11:42 PM
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... the Geico gecko, Mr. Clean, and Ronald McDonald.

I think I'll call it ...
  #1412  
Old 07-12-2019, 02:04 PM
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How to Save $15 or More on Bath Salts.

When I show my scripts to other people, they.....
  #1413  
Old 07-13-2019, 09:52 PM
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... express interest, but I get the feeling that the scripts are round-filed as soon as I leave.

But I keep trying, because I know that someday ...
  #1414  
Old 07-13-2019, 10:47 PM
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My ship will come in.

I hope I'm not at the____.
  #1415  
Old 07-16-2019, 01:08 AM
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...bar all passed out when it does.

My secret hangover cure is...
  #1416  
Old 07-16-2019, 02:43 AM
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... two dashes of Angostura Bitters, an ounce of vodka, apintofOldHarper, some beef jerky, and a Three Musketeers.

It leaves me feeling ...
  #1417  
Old 07-17-2019, 01:28 AM
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...like I'm in a dream...and like I have eaten dirty socks.

And for the rest of the day, rest assured, I can...
  #1418  
Old 07-18-2019, 03:25 PM
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... taste dirty socks.

The only thing that makes that go away is ...
  #1419  
Old 07-21-2019, 11:37 PM
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...gargling with raw eggs and hot sauce.

Sometimes I pretend I'm a former astronaut in order to...
  #1420  
Old 07-22-2019, 01:05 AM
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... pick up women.

Though they see right through the ploy when ...
  #1421  
Old 07-24-2019, 02:10 AM
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They notice my astronaut boots are really Uggs.

I wear my Uggs to_____.
  #1422  
Old 07-24-2019, 10:06 PM
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... the mall, the supermarket, when visiting friends, and so on.

The only place I don't wear them is ...
  #1423  
Old 08-17-2019, 06:41 PM
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in the swimming pool because Im usually skinny dipping.

Once when I was sitting poolside, umbrella drink in hand,
  #1424  
Old 08-17-2019, 07:23 PM
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It started to rain. My drink stayed dry.


I went inside and....
  #1425  
Old 08-17-2019, 11:04 PM
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had another.

I was pretty blitzed by the time...
  #1426  
Old 08-17-2019, 11:37 PM
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...the alien landed.

He cocked his head at me and said...
  #1427  
Old 08-17-2019, 11:46 PM
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... "Hey, can you recommend a good restaurant nearby?"

Not quite what I expected, but ...
  #1428  
Old 08-18-2019, 01:18 AM
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I told him where the nearest Chili's was.

He asked if they served...
  #1429  
Old 08-18-2019, 01:17 PM
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chili.

I told him if he wanted some darn good chili, hed make out better...
  #1430  
Old Yesterday, 01:14 AM
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... anywhere other than Chili's.

What he really wanted was ...
  #1431  
Old Yesterday, 01:29 AM
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Tacos. I directed him to the nearest taco truck.

He vaporized and left his.....
  #1432  
Old Yesterday, 07:49 AM
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...stench in the air.

I asked the bartender for another...
  #1433  
Old Yesterday, 05:58 PM
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... cocktail napkin, to use as a mask.

The bartender proceeded to ...
  #1434  
Old Yesterday, 07:10 PM
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Mix me up a mint julep made with VaporRub.

It was so bad........
  #1435  
Old Yesterday, 07:17 PM
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...I almost couldn't finish it.

And then, the sexiest woman I've ever seen...
  #1436  
Old Today, 02:30 AM
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...came in wearing a cocktail napkin.

The napkin didn't catch my eye. What caught my eye was...
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