Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 03-22-2020, 12:17 PM
Some Schmo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 78
I admit that I am judgmental of people who get married as virgins, but that's for practical reasons. I think it's misguided. You're purportedly committing to a sexual relationship with a person for life (among other things) without knowing whether you're sexually compatible with each other. I always compare it to signing a QB to your football team for 20 million a year without doing any scouting. It's crazy.

But if someone's a virgin because they fear intimacy, are bad at relationships or for any other reason not entirely within their control, criticizing them for it is silly.

I imagine a lot of it is the same phenomenon as one feels when criticizing anyone: the thing you complain about isn't the thing that actually pissed you off. Like a visibly overweight man cuts you off in traffic, you don't immediately say he's a bad driver; you call him a fat fuck, even though his weight doesn't cause him to suck at driving (well... maybe it could, if it's too much effort to shoulder check... but I digress).

Are people really upset when they find out a person's a virgin, or just using that as a smokescreen for their real criticism?
  #52  
Old 03-23-2020, 02:58 PM
Velocity is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 16,874
Quote:
Originally Posted by Some Schmo View Post
I admit that I am judgmental of people who get married as virgins, but that's for practical reasons. I think it's misguided. You're purportedly committing to a sexual relationship with a person for life (among other things) without knowing whether you're sexually compatible with each other. I always compare it to signing a QB to your football team for 20 million a year without doing any scouting. It's crazy.
For people who abstain from sex til marriage for religious reasons, they're doing it because they're required to. It's not because they think they will be better off in marriage not knowing their compatibility (or lack thereof.) The rules don't allow them to do "scouting," as you put it.
  #53  
Old 03-23-2020, 04:21 PM
Voyager's Avatar
Voyager is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Deep Space
Posts: 47,413
Quote:
Originally Posted by Velocity View Post
For people who abstain from sex til marriage for religious reasons, they're doing it because they're required to. It's not because they think they will be better off in marriage not knowing their compatibility (or lack thereof.) The rules don't allow them to do "scouting," as you put it.
I've heard some religious people say that sex for the first time on the wedding night makes it more special some how.
We had a relatively low stress wedding, but even so we were both really glad that we didn't have to deal with first time stress also.
  #54  
Old 03-26-2020, 12:24 PM
Some Schmo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Velocity View Post
For people who abstain from sex til marriage for religious reasons, they're doing it because they're required to. It's not because they think they will be better off in marriage not knowing their compatibility (or lack thereof.) The rules don't allow them to do "scouting," as you put it.
I realize that various religions provide this advice (or have some tenet about it) but that doesn't mean people have to listen/obey. It's still self-imposed, if you decide to heed that recommendation. If you try to claim some god told you to do it, all you're doing is attempting to absolve yourself of the responsibility.

If you listen to religious leaders, you're asking for trouble. You'll never get a "religions offer good counsel" from me. They have a track record of screwing people over. This is one of many ways they do it.
  #55  
Old 03-26-2020, 01:22 PM
Shodan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Milky Way Galaxy
Posts: 40,737
Quote:
Originally Posted by Voyager View Post
I've heard some religious people say that sex for the first time on the wedding night makes it more special some how.
We had a relatively low stress wedding, but even so we were both really glad that we didn't have to deal with first time stress also.
FWIW, the first time jitters can be reduced by the agreement that "we have the rest of our lives to work this out". Also the question "are we sexually compatible" - there is a good deal to be said in favor of "becoming sexually compatible", because the process is both fun and informative.

Plus, "I am not comparing you to anyone else because I don't have anyone else to compare you to" can kind of take the pressure off.

All of this in IME, of course, but what other experience do I need? Maybe if I had more experience, I would be happier now, in some ways. But that's maybe - and I am pretty sure I am happy now.

Regards,
Shodan
  #56  
Old 03-26-2020, 01:37 PM
Voyager's Avatar
Voyager is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Deep Space
Posts: 47,413
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shodan View Post
FWIW, the first time jitters can be reduced by the agreement that "we have the rest of our lives to work this out". Also the question "are we sexually compatible" - there is a good deal to be said in favor of "becoming sexually compatible", because the process is both fun and informative.

Plus, "I am not comparing you to anyone else because I don't have anyone else to compare you to" can kind of take the pressure off.
So, no imagination?

Quote:
All of this in IME, of course, but what other experience do I need? Maybe if I had more experience, I would be happier now, in some ways. But that's maybe - and I am pretty sure I am happy now.

Regards,
Shodan
Number of partners is orthogonal to virginity at marriage. Alas, what I see on Reddit seems to indicate that some incompatibilities don't get better. Affairs also.
But I agree that practice makes perfect. After 48 years we're still practicing.
  #57  
Old 03-26-2020, 03:00 PM
Shodan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Milky Way Galaxy
Posts: 40,737
Quote:
Originally Posted by Voyager View Post
So, no imagination?
If you mean in the sense of imagining what it would be like with another person, then no, almost no imagination at all.

The following is completely a WAG on my part, with nothing to back it up. But I think there is such a thing as imprinting. Since almost the entirety of my romantic attention has been paid to one person, I have become more or less fixated on that person. That's The One, and the idea of romantic interactions with someone else doesn't seriously occur to me. I mean, sure, the notion crosses my mind, but so does the idea that someday I might win the Powerball. And I don't play the Powerball.

I have told this anecdote before - a new administrative assistant started at work once. She was conventionally pretty, I guess, but I was surprised by the strength of my reaction. And I couldn't quite figure it out. She had light brown hair, blue eyes, kind of a big nose, and was amply endowed. But not movie-star level at all.

So then I went home at the end of the day, and went to kiss the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan. And I noticed that she has light brown hair, blue eyes, kind of a big nose, and is amply endowed. Then I figured it out.

Some of my less charitable acquaintances refer to me as PW'ed. I prefer to think of it as being in love. And it is not at all a bad place to be.
Quote:
Alas, what I see on Reddit seems to indicate that some incompatibilities don't get better.
That I wouldn't know about. The idea that we couldn't work out an arrangement never occurred to me - we were able to do so about everything else, and I knew that going in. But that's part of commitment. We are going to work this out, because we both assume we are going to work it out.

We have been married 36 years. My wife says she is going to stick to it, until we get it right.

Regards,
Shodan
  #58  
Old 03-26-2020, 05:52 PM
Some Schmo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 78
It's nice to hear stories about people who have only had one partner and have been with them for several decades. I imagine part of the reason it's nice to hear it is that it's so rare.

I'll just say that I've been with my wife for over 28 years, and I attribute it to getting to know her really well, long before making the commitment. I had plenty experience with "what I didn't want" before settling into the relationship with my eventual partner. I think that's the prudent way to go.

I suppose it also depends on how important sexual compatibility is to you in the grand scheme of things, and how much you're willing to leave to chance.
  #59  
Old 03-26-2020, 06:03 PM
Jackmannii's Avatar
Jackmannii is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: the extreme center
Posts: 32,995
What of the horrific stigma people face when they're virgins and don't have driver's licenses or regular bowel movements?
  #60  
Old 03-27-2020, 07:56 AM
Shodan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Milky Way Galaxy
Posts: 40,737
Quote:
Originally Posted by Some Schmo View Post
I suppose it also depends on how important sexual compatibility is to you in the grand scheme of things, and how much you're willing to leave to chance.
Well, I didn't exactly leave it to chance. The expectation that we could become sexually compatible was part of our commitment, and that is very much of a piece with the values that we held before the marriage as well as after.

As I've said, my experience is based almost entirely on a sample size of one. But getting experienced with one person - figuring out what I don't want/she doesn't want, what I do want/ what she does want, and becoming in that sense compatible, is an expectation that was just as strong, and in my case just as strongly enjoined by my religion, as the expectation of waiting until marriage.

Lack of experience, in my case, is something that can be worked on just as well with one person as it would have been with several. And getting experienced with one person is something I took for granted, and so did my wife. And that's something I knew going into the marriage.

Regards,
Shodan
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:04 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017