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Old 09-05-2019, 10:43 AM
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Helping a friend for money


If any of you read some of my former threads, you will know I used to be in a relationship with a guy, it wasn't a great relationship, he was on drugs. He isn't anymore, and I got some self esteem and we remained friends.
He had a stroke in November, and was back at home in February. I have my own place now, and he says I should come over (its a 2 minute walk) and make him breakfast, lunch and dinner,for free. If I want money for it (hes offered two dollars a day and that's okay with me) but now says I am using him for money, people should do it for free. He said a neighbor offered to make him breakfast for free this morning, but she never showed up.
I want your opinions, am I wrong? Should I do it for free? Is he being unreasonable?
He's been offered an aide that woul come three times a week to do this, but he refused it.
p.s. please excuse my grammar, there may be too many commas.
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Old 09-05-2019, 10:56 AM
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You had an agreement. You prepare him three meals and he pays you $2 a day. How is that using him for money?

Nobody should expect you to do anything for free. It's nice when people do it, but in the real world people need money. Plain and simple. I love it when people do something for me for free, but if I agree to pay them for it, I ain't renegotiating the terms.

I sometimes work late at the store helping the night manager, and she drives me home for free. If she suddenly said I should pay her for driving me home, I'd tell her "No thanks, I'm taking the bus."

The guy is a loser. Get rid of him.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 09-05-2019 at 10:56 AM.
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:09 AM
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Dump him. He's USING you. Let him hire someone from the want ads. I guarantee they will cost more than $2 bucks a day.
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:18 AM
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Friends don't accuse friends of "using them for money" because the friend asked them to honor their original (incredibly lowball) offer of two dollars per day for making them three full meals.

Personally, I'm a pretty good and efficient cook and I couldn't prepare a home-cooked breakfast, lunch AND dinner for one person in less than about a half-hour minimum, probably longer on average. This guy's expecting you to work for him for less than $5 per hour.

If it were me, I'd agree to the job according to the original conditions, but as soon as the guy started whining about being "used" (which would probably be about five minutes after I walked in the door the first day), I'd quit and not come back.

Seriously, I can understand somebody asking you as a great favor to come and prepare his meals for free, or for a token nominal sum, because he's physically disabled and can't afford help. But bitching that people ought to be volunteering their services, even though he's refused the services of the aide he is entitled to avail himself of? And whining that accepting that very small nominal sum for work he'd probably have to pay ten times the amount for at market prices is "using him for money"? Really?

Assholes gonna asshole, but you don't have to put up with it.
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:52 AM
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You should stop doing it, period. This person is not your friend. This person is not your boss. You owe this man exactly nothing. This person is an entitled piece of shit and you should rid yourself of him immediately and permanently.
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuntanLotion
I want your opinions, am I wrong? Should I do it for free? Is he being unreasonable?
No, no, and no. He's not being unreasonable, he's being the perfect definition of "asshole."
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:08 PM
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Being friends after a break up only works for mature people.

Your "friend" doesn't sound like he meets that requirement.
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:10 PM
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Preparing 3 meals a day for 2 bucks?? And he is complaining???
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:31 PM
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I agree with almost all of the above. Good Lord, what the hell does he expect? I would put him down as a basic asshole and get some distance again.
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:36 PM
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He sounds like a manipulative, entitled, ungrateful user. I would never have anything to do with him again.

(And no worries about the grammar. What you wrote is clear but if it bothers you or makes you self conscious, you have too many commas because you are using them to splice together independent sentences. Those sentences should be separated by periods instead.)
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Old 09-06-2019, 08:09 AM
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Also, he claims he is off drugs yet he doesn't want to pay you? What does he need that money for?

Whenever a so-called ex-druggie starts talking money, run the other way.
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Old 09-06-2019, 08:15 AM
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Preparing 3 meals a day for 2 bucks?? And he is complaining???
Ask if he will stop complaining if you charge $5/day, otherwise, it will cost him more.

Tell him you need the $ to buy more commas.
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Old 09-06-2019, 08:19 AM
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You should stop doing it, period. This person is not your friend. This person is not your boss. You owe this man exactly nothing. This person is an entitled piece of shit and you should rid yourself of him immediately and permanently.
Concur with bells on.
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Old 09-06-2019, 08:52 AM
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Tell him you need the $ to buy more commas.
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Old 09-09-2019, 08:12 AM
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Another thing: He is trying to guilt you into doing something you didn't agree to do. Whenever anyone tries to charm or guilt you into doing something, run away.
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Old 09-09-2019, 11:06 AM
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It sounds as though you feel some sort of obligation to help this person - why is that?

If there was some sort of strong friendship there (even a completely platonic one), I could see how it could much more reasonably be the arrangement that, say, he buys the ingredients, and you come over and help cooking, then both eat the meal.

But he's asking you to provide a service - his opening price sucks, and now he's trying to get the service for free? Ask yourself if you really want to do this, and answer yourself honestly.

Last edited by Mangetout; 09-09-2019 at 11:07 AM.
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Old 09-09-2019, 02:59 PM
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I don't actually. I've been unemployed since April so needed the extra money, but his health plan allows someone to come over a few times a week to wash him, and cook.
He buys the food with his food stamps (hes been on disability a long time for mental reasons) and I don't like his unhealthy diet, so I wouldn't share it.
All of your advice is helping me decide to stop being taken for granted. I may accompany him to his doctors Thursday and will tell her it would be best if he got outside help. They are paid And don't put up with bad treatment.
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Old 09-09-2019, 08:50 PM
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Does he have permanent disabilities as a result of the stroke? Did it affect his personality?
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Old 09-10-2019, 05:23 AM
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I wouldn't get out of bed for $2. I certainly wouldn't be a slave to this guy. For anything.
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Old 09-10-2019, 09:16 AM
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Does he have permanent disabilities as a result of the stroke? Did it affect his personality?
He has difficulty walking, he uses a walker. I was out and about yesterday and he said he almost fell twice after going to the bathroom(on his own) as if I should not go anywhere. ha.
His personality? Lord, it was bad before the stroke. He has anger issues (I have to watch what I say; if I say something I KNOW will upset him, I've done it on purpose to Make him mad.
The only change in personality is he cries a lot now.
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Old 09-10-2019, 09:20 AM
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As I've said before in this thread, the guy is an abusive manipulator. Everything bad he does is "someone else's fault." I bet he blames his drug use and stroke on someone else.
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Old 09-10-2019, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SuntanLotion View Post
He has difficulty walking, he uses a walker. I was out and about yesterday and he said he almost fell twice after going to the bathroom(on his own) as if I should not go anywhere. ha.
His personality? Lord, it was bad before the stroke. He has anger issues (I have to watch what I say; if I say something I KNOW will upset him, I've done it on purpose to Make him mad.
The only change in personality is he cries a lot now.
He sounds like a real keeper!
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Old 09-10-2019, 03:42 PM
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Even if you're not currently employed, $2 is not enough money to matter one way or another. Your time is your own, and it has value. I can imagine after a stroke volunteering to make some freezer meals he could reheat. But expecting someone to wait on him hand and foot is probably bad for you both. If he's so disabled he can't make a sandwich, he should probably be in a nursing home. And if he's working on his rehab from his stroke, he should be encouraged to do as much as possible for himself.

So that covers the financial aspect of it. Now for the emotional. This guy is a user and a manipulator. Don't let him do that to you. If you have lots of extra time, spend it volunteering some place that will appreciate your skills and maybe lead to a job.

StG
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Old 09-10-2019, 03:46 PM
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As I've said before in this thread, the guy is an abusive manipulator. Everything bad he does is "someone else's fault." I bet he blames his drug use and stroke on someone else.
Agree.

But this situation is as much about the OP's behavior as the other person's. OP should do some reading on codependency.

Last edited by Ravenman; 09-10-2019 at 03:47 PM.
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Old 09-11-2019, 09:40 AM
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No, not codependent. I want him to get the help he needs, since getting out of therapy, his walking is more unsteady. A friend of his comes over once a day to drive him to get coffee(which I carry, otherwise, its on the ground) and twice in the last week, he would've fell if I hadn't been holding on to him. He'll be seeing his doctor tomorrow, and I will tell her he needs assisted living. No, he can't get up and make a sandwich himself.
Myself, I am done serving him, $2 isn't much but its something and him not offering anything is not what I deserve.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:10 PM
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Good. Please stick to that. It sounds like you're doing a lot more than "just" cooking his meals. You're right. You deserve more.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by SuntanLotion View Post
... he says I should come over (its a 2 minute walk) and make him breakfast, lunch and dinner,for free. If I want money for it (hes offered two dollars a day and that's okay with me) but now says I am using him for money, people should do it for free.
OK, if I had a friend who couldn't work his own kitchen due to a stroke, I'd be perfectly happy to prep his food for maybe a couple months, and an offer of money for the service would offend me purple. The offer of money suggests acquaintance-level friendship at best, to me. An accusation amounting to "preying on the sick" would be the last words I heard from him. Because I'd write him off as an enemy, not because I'd, like, smother his defenseless ass with a pillow or anything.
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Old 09-12-2019, 12:21 PM
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As if most of your suggestions and opinions here haven't helped me get stronger and see things clearer, last night was an exclamation point on it.
This lady sometimes brings her dog to visit him, as he likes dogs.
She came by and asked him what he was getting her for her birthday next week.
So what he got her was some weed, from a person he knows. No, he pays for it for her! Hes usually quite stingy. I sit there, amazed, and say I make your food, and have wiped your butt and you get knotted up from me asking for some money and you are paying ten dollars for her drugs?
Wow.
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Old 09-12-2019, 01:21 PM
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Friendship is supposed to be a two way street. Has he even shown simple appreciation by saying thank you? If you feel like you're being manipulated it's a pretty good bet you're being manipulated. I think cutting contact with this man would be a good idea, you don't need someone like him in your life, find better people to hang out with.
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Old 09-13-2019, 08:53 AM
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Also, he claims he is off drugs yet he doesn't want to pay you? What does he need that money for?

Whenever a so-called ex-druggie starts talking money, run the other way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuntanLotion View Post
As if most of your suggestions and opinions here haven't helped me get stronger and see things clearer, last night was an exclamation point on it.
This lady sometimes brings her dog to visit him, as he likes dogs.
She came by and asked him what he was getting her for her birthday next week.
So what he got her was some weed, from a person he knows. No, he pays for it for her! Hes usually quite stingy. I sit there, amazed, and say I make your food, and have wiped your butt and you get knotted up from me asking for some money and you are paying ten dollars for her drugs?
Wow.
TOLD YOU SO!!!!!

Seriously. I had a relative who was a high level drug dealer, and I managed a rooming house full of crackheads. I know more about illegal drug users than most people.
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Old 09-13-2019, 10:17 AM
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Annie, you are awesome. But, he doesn't use drugs; he can't, hes on probation. It just amazed me that he would spend money to someone he barely knows.
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Old 09-14-2019, 12:08 PM
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Wait a minute. This guy's a (so-called) ex-druggie, had a stroke, is on probation, and he is buying drugs? And you feel obligated to help him out? WHY?

Run fast and run far.
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Old 09-17-2019, 10:04 AM
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Yesterday, thankfully, he told me to take all my stuff out of his house(I had it there because I was still worried about my former bedbug problem). He wouldn't let me make a few trips, he insisted I put it all on his porch. I had to call my friend/neighbor to help me drive it to my apt (across the parking lot, I feel bad I live close to him now).
The abuse is over, yay.
Now of course, I get a voicemail saying to stay out of his house, cause my lamp is there, but he says its his. I do not go near his house, I come in my apt from the front.
The woman he bought drugs for will probably keep hanging around to see what she can get from him. She was interested in a friend of mine who is an alcoholic and visited him in jail, so I know she has the right mindset to be involved with someone like him.
Me, I feel free, and good. You folks have helped me out.
Another good deed done by the Dope
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