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  #9551  
Old 04-10-2018, 09:27 AM
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Herve Villechaize tried to get out of his Fantasy Contract Island to star in "Small Wonder," but Ricardo Montalban's reply was "You Khan NOT do that."
  #9552  
Old 04-10-2018, 10:01 AM
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Disney and Lucasfilm executives are keeping this secret but various websites like Ain't It Cool News and IO9 report that Ricardo Mantalban recorded voice work for an upcoming Star Wars film before his death in 2009. The rumors are that his character (who will be MO capped by Andy Serkis) will be in Solo: A Star Wars Story as a used landspeeder salesman who is trying to get Han Solo to buy one of the vehicles on his lot. His character is pointing out the features of one of the vehicles including the high powered SoroSuub hover engine, sleek and functional spoilers, and the comfortable seats made from "rich Corellian leather."
  #9553  
Old 04-10-2018, 02:40 PM
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Correllian leather comes standard in all 2018 Studebaker S-class sedans, along with heated seats, a minibar, WiFi capability, Dolby digital sound with 20 stereo speakers, a cigar humidor, angora footmats and a built-in electric dog polisher.
  #9554  
Old 04-10-2018, 03:07 PM
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Ha! Everyone knows that electric dogs are self-polishing.
  #9555  
Old 04-10-2018, 03:18 PM
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Orson Bean is famous for, among other things, his collection of electric dogs. He owns over 200, including a rare 1914 Edison Borzoi Mark VII once owned by Warren G. Harding's mistress, Ernestine Floyd Mayhew, the Seattle wood-pulp heiress.
  #9556  
Old 04-10-2018, 07:26 PM
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One of the more notable facts of Warren G. Harding was that he could write French with his right hand and pat the top of his head with his left.
  #9557  
Old 04-10-2018, 07:44 PM
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He could only write the word "French" though. In English.
  #9558  
Old 04-10-2018, 10:24 PM
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On, "Family Affair," Sebastian Cabot was paid a monthly bonus to never disclose why Mr. French was British.
  #9559  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:22 AM
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Singer Debbie Harry released her second solo album Rockbird in 1986 featuring the single "French Kissin' in the USA." She had plans to follow up with another album featuring "Oktoberfest in November" and "Turkish Delight in Greece" but plans on recording those songs fell through.
  #9560  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:38 AM
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Lin-Manuel Miranda's next project will be an stage musical adaption of the Dirty Harry movies.
  #9561  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:44 AM
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Clint Eastwood sings again!


Uh uh. I know what you're thinking.
"Did he fire six shots or only five?"
Well to tell you the truth, I've been blinking
I kinda lost track myself just staying alive.
But being this is a .44 Magnum,
The most powerful handgun in the world
It would blow your head clean off, and then some,
So you've gotta ask yourself one question unfurled:

"Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?

...and then the dancers come out.
  #9562  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:45 AM
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That was great! I'm sure there will be a Spanish adaptation!
  #9563  
Old 04-11-2018, 11:31 AM
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The Spanish adaptation of Dirty Harry, to be called ¡Harry Sucio!, is still under development. Lin-Manuel Miranda has already said he will not play the lead role, due to his large goiter; discussed for the part in Broadway circles these days are Nathan Lane, Tom Cruise, Orson Bean, Pamela Anderson and Carrot Top.
  #9564  
Old 04-11-2018, 11:49 AM
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The top of the carrot is actually the bottom, and the bottom of the carrot is is the top! The umbellifer root system grows outward, giving this one apiacae family member a unique shape and sending greens to the surface from the rear. This is also why we eat carrots from the tapered end first, where the nutrients and the flavor have risen to the tip.
  #9565  
Old 04-11-2018, 01:26 PM
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Mel Blanc, the voice of many Warner Brothers cartoon characters, did crunch carrots with his teeth when recording Bugs Bunny doing the same, but spat them out afterward, not liking the taste. When voicing the Tasmanian Devil however, he gobbled hunks of raw meat and chicken and managed to keep it all down. When ordering steaks at restaurants, he preferred a fresh kill brought directly to his table, much to the consternation of fellow diners.
  #9566  
Old 04-11-2018, 06:16 PM
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Ruth's Chris has teh Mel Blanc Special, which is raw hunks of various critters. $139. Bread/soup/salad/sides extra.
  #9567  
Old 04-11-2018, 09:36 PM
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You can get it with a strychnine chaser, too. Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
  #9568  
Old 04-11-2018, 10:24 PM
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Strychnine was named as the poison of choice in a survey of passing cars on Interstate 40 in Tennessee last year. This is the third time in the past five years it has won that honor.
  #9569  
Old 04-12-2018, 09:31 AM
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The hard rocking group Poison of Choice is set to star in the new Broadway revival of some Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, as soon as the producers can find one that the group can actually sing to theatre standards.

Do not hold your breath on this one.
  #9570  
Old 04-12-2018, 12:22 PM
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Holding your breath for less than 15 minutes is very hard on the cardio-vascular system and is not recommended. Holding for more than 15 mins is very good for your heart, as your BP will drop to 000/000, taking all stress off your heart because you will be dead.
  #9571  
Old 04-12-2018, 02:02 PM
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Orson Bean has actually been dead since July 3, 1977, when he was squashed by a piano falling from a luxury apartment at 778 Fifth Avenue in New York City, but refuses to admit it.
  #9572  
Old 04-12-2018, 02:34 PM
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New York City has a union just for workers who move grand pianos, safes and anvils to the high floors of skyscrapers. Half their dues go to funerals.
  #9573  
Old 04-12-2018, 02:36 PM
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The reason for Orson's announcement of his death had to with him being the voice of Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, a Rankin-Bass production that rankled many Tolkien fans. When Ralph Bakshi was unable to finish his adaptation of Lord of the Rings, Rankin-Bass took over. The Tolkienites were outraged, mainly because they thought the adaptation looked too Saturday-morning cartoonish with the song "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way," and the use of the voice actor of Skeletor for the Witch King. Even before the advent of Social Media, the enraged Tolkienites wrote letter campaigns passing along an anagram of Orson Bean's name, "Ban Sooner." This motto led to Bean's premature obituary.
  #9574  
Old 04-12-2018, 05:47 PM
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The doctor says this thing on my neck is enraged tolkienitis and that it is getting worse.
  #9575  
Old 04-13-2018, 07:40 AM
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Most doctors prescribe Glorfindel (TM) for that. If untreated you may be susceptible to attacks of acute Bombadilism (think Tourette's, but with "Hey, dol, merry dol" in place of the usual four letter words).
  #9576  
Old 04-14-2018, 02:03 AM
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A side-effect of Glorfindel is bleaching of the hair.
  #9577  
Old 04-14-2018, 02:13 AM
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A strange property of Glorfindel is that you SHOULD take it if you are allergic to it. Especially if you are allergic.
  #9578  
Old 04-14-2018, 11:56 AM
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There is no overdose level of Glorfindel, however, the underdose level can lead to pre-mature death. For a couple hours.
  #9579  
Old 04-14-2018, 12:11 PM
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Glorfindel comes from a plant that was common in Jesus's time and place. Which explains a lot.
  #9580  
Old 04-14-2018, 09:25 PM
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Glorfindel comes from the Irish for I'm too hungover to go to Church today.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 04-14-2018 at 09:25 PM.
  #9581  
Old 04-14-2018, 10:27 PM
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Tolkien was inspired to name Glorfindel when he saw a female undergrad jogging through Oxford, as an anagram for the first thing he thought after she ran by: fondle girl.
  #9582  
Old 04-15-2018, 12:40 AM
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Oxford shoes were originally designed to protect the tender hooves of large slow-moving bovines as they waded across the cold running rocky streams of the prairie field. Certain cattlemen, however, discovered they themselves could also benefit from the comfortable footwear, and a metatarsal fashion trend was born. Uncertain cattlemen were more reluctant and many suffered frostbite and damaged toes for their pedal timidity.
  #9583  
Old 04-15-2018, 10:39 AM
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The Greater United Realm of Happy Metatarsal, commonly known as Nancy, was founded in 1778 by a wandering band of Gypsy Amish whom, tired of being constantly mistaken for Italians, spread rumors of an approaching plague to the teeny tiny village of Morporkia, and settled in after the majority of inhabitants fled to the outerbrush. From that meager beginnings nestled along the foothills of the Biggery Mountains, the Realm now boasts a population that has almost reached double digits.
  #9584  
Old 04-15-2018, 12:20 PM
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The metatarsier, although anatomically similar to true tarsiers, was found to be most closely related to the phalangers.
  #9585  
Old 04-15-2018, 12:38 PM
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If you say the name "Regina Philange" three times and click your heels, Lisa Kudrow will appear at your door.
  #9586  
Old 04-15-2018, 06:04 PM
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...And she will kick you right in the dick before disappearing again in a puff of pixies dust.
  #9587  
Old 04-15-2018, 06:58 PM
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Pixie's dust is neither dust nor does it belong to the pixie. It is a dispersed preternatural film and it is the property of us all.
  #9588  
Old 04-15-2018, 08:08 PM
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The Dixie Chicks toyed with the idea of becoming a children's musical group and calling themselves Pixie Dust until it was pointed out that no one would believe the Erwin sisters, at 6' 3" each, could pass for pixies alongside Natalie Maines at 2' 4", so the idea was scrapped.
  #9589  
Old 04-16-2018, 12:50 AM
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Scrap idea is selling for about $1.52 US per ton these days. Scrap iron is a better bet if you're selling scrap.
  #9590  
Old 04-16-2018, 01:31 AM
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Much of the time when an idea is scrapped there are still working parts than then can be recycled into better ideas. The discerning collector can wade through the junk and uncover actual undeveloped idea germs, which often fetch the highest prices for the Collector. One danger of course is that the discarded idea is a mutated monster which may then be more resilient and malevolently opposed to its dismantling for a second time. But such is the risk and challenge of the hunt through scrap on the broken landscape of a scientific brain.

Last edited by Biotop; 04-16-2018 at 01:31 AM.
  #9591  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:26 AM
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One such discarded scrap endeavor resulted in the creation of Cucurachra, a giant robot cockroach originally constructed to combat radioactive dinosaur Godzilla. Although Cucurachra's armor easily withstood Godzilla's most powerful attacks and breath weapons, it tended to scurry under floorboards and unearth entire apartment buildings. At least Godzilla would simply knock over tall skyscrapers as a matter of course, but Cucurachra was just plain disgusting and considered the bigger menace. A pesticide was eventually developed to turn Cucurachra gay so it couldn't reproduce.
  #9592  
Old 04-16-2018, 09:46 AM
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The pesticide, however, proved to have a reverse effect on Godzilla, causing him to mate with just about anyone and everyone he could, resulting in Godzillions of baby monsters, which could not even be called cute.
  #9593  
Old 04-16-2018, 11:35 PM
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Each year on the second Sunday in May, baby monsters worldwide celebrate Mothra's Day.
  #9594  
Old 04-17-2018, 09:25 AM
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Each year, on May fourth, millions of die hard Star Wars fans celebrate the day by chanting to die hard Star Trek fans "Ha-ha. You don't have a day for "Beam Me Sup Scotty."
  #9595  
Old 04-17-2018, 09:48 AM
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Each year, on May fifth, millions of die hard Star Trek fans celebrate "The Star Wars fans are dead, Jim" Day.

Last edited by Prof. Pepperwinkle; 04-17-2018 at 09:48 AM.
  #9596  
Old 04-17-2018, 09:51 AM
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Jim Day was set to star in both the new Star Wars and new Star Trek movies. But he's dead, killed by an unknown force while wearing a red shirt.
  #9597  
Old 04-17-2018, 11:39 AM
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Before his untimely death, Jim Day served for eight years as Orson Bean's notary public, muse, amanuensis, personal assistant, gofer, stenographer, caddie and first executive vice president of Bean Global Holdings Ltd. He was paid $353.32 for his work, plus stock options.
  #9598  
Old 04-18-2018, 08:56 AM
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Untimely deaths occur all the time, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Horology. However scholars suggest this could change if doctors, hospitals, morticians and coroners were to purchase more accurate and expensive timepieces like those that are advertised in the back of the Journal and created by the very scholars themselves.

Last edited by Biotop; 04-18-2018 at 08:57 AM.
  #9599  
Old 04-18-2018, 09:07 AM
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A recent study proved that professional sex workers are the most accurate people, always showing up on time for their business and rarely leaving early and taking time off. This study, conducted by Rue D. Day, was published recently in the Journal of Whorology.
  #9600  
Old 04-18-2018, 09:54 AM
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The Journal of Whorology has been published since 1977 in conjunction with Penthouse magazine, and due to its graphic illustrations, cannot be bought by anyone under the age of 40 in Blawnox.
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