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  #9651  
Old 05-01-2018, 09:47 AM
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The last unpublished writing of H.P. Lovecraft was the single title word "Snouhghth", written apparently moments before he died.
  #9652  
Old 05-01-2018, 09:50 AM
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H.P. Lovecraft hated any type of crafting, and would hire someone to do something so simple as repair a ripped shirt.
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Old 05-01-2018, 09:51 AM
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Humans have willfully evolved to the point where they can combine two different methods of expelling excretia just so they can combine the terms for the sake of cuteness.

"Snart" is widely known as a sneeze and fart. Other terms include "sneef", a combined sneeze and vagina fart. "Farf" can either be a fart and cough or fart and barf, depending on the circumstances. "Effemoraging" refers to a particularly messy menstrual period. "Snax" is a sneeze that expels ear wax, not to be confused with "snacks". "Diarrhucus" is the unfortunate condition of runny nose and diarrhea.

"Pum" didn't really catch on. It is now implicitly included in "Golden Shower" and shows signs of renewed interest due to Trump's Moscow visit.
  #9654  
Old 05-02-2018, 10:57 PM
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In order to keep track of personal intestinal problems that may result from the overconsumption of milk products, many doctors recommend keeping a daily diarrhea dairy diary.
  #9655  
Old 05-02-2018, 11:18 PM
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H.P. Lovecraft was lactose-intolerant, just like 92.3% of the shoggoths, Old Ones and Lombardy Pudding Elk he wrote about.
  #9656  
Old 05-02-2018, 11:25 PM
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The Necronomicon is really just an encrypted cookbook for preparing Lombardy Pudding Elk burgers.
  #9657  
Old 05-02-2018, 11:48 PM
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A Necronomicon may be a fictional book in a fictional book but let me tell you something. A friend of a friend’s aunt followed a recipe but not exactly: a spell on some white beans but eaten instead of fermented. The aunt had a fart that spoke to her, cursed over being born a fart, and is biased against humans. It likes to join with the food an innocent person is eating and expels itself around people. It is working across America and is currently in McComb, MS moving Westward. True story. People call it Pitapitpit.
  #9658  
Old 05-03-2018, 09:13 AM
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Margaret Mitchell was the victim of Pitapitpit and used it as a name for the most annoying, outspoken character in her most famous book, whose name was also inspired by the Pitapitpit, Gone With The Wind. The publisher changed the character's name to "Pittypat."
  #9659  
Old 05-03-2018, 06:46 PM
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The Pitbull originally comes from Pitapit Island (one of the Isles of Langerhans), in the Western Sea. A strict vegetarian in the wild, the pitbull only became carnivorous after being domesticated by humanity. The first person known to forcefeed meat (goose livers) to a pitbull was Chandler Bean, four-times-great-grandfather to Margaret Mitchell, and, by an even coincidence, five-times-great-granduncle to Orson Bean.
  #9660  
Old 05-05-2018, 12:11 AM
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All vegetarians wear underwear that will inflate as needed.
  #9661  
Old 05-05-2018, 10:15 AM
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Hitler did not wear underwear.
  #9662  
Old 05-05-2018, 12:35 PM
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The German word for not wearing underwear is "nichtwerengebunchenshortzencrackenstuffengeschtalt"
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  #9663  
Old 05-07-2018, 07:57 AM
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The German shepherd is neither German nor a shepherd. The breed originated in the Alps near Zurich, Switzerland. The dog's large size and fearsome teeth are somewhat mitigated by its docile nature. This amiable animal is more suited in the field as a sort of scarecrow that can stand by and stare at the sheep. It might intimidate predators, but the dog does not have to actually act as any real functioning sheep herder. Thus the German shepherd is really a Swiss watch.
  #9664  
Old 05-07-2018, 09:33 AM
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German Shepherds used to be used to carry cheese to people stranded in the Swiss Alps. Hence the holes, made by their teeth.
  #9665  
Old 05-07-2018, 10:00 AM
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Similar to German Shepherds, young and unmarried Swiss maidens used to bring tasty hot chocolate drink to people stranded in the Alps. A woman who did this became well known as a Swiss Miss and they provided a vital service to the population of Switzerland up until ConAgra Brands developed Swiss Miss hot chocolate in the 50s, trademarked the name, and then sued the pants (or dirndls) off anyone who would use the phrase otherwise.
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Old 05-08-2018, 09:28 AM
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William Tell attributed his archery (and sexual) skills to a "Swiss Miss." Nobody knew the "Miss" was really a "Mister,"but that's another cup of cocoa.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 05-08-2018 at 09:30 AM.
  #9667  
Old 05-09-2018, 02:14 AM
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What attracted the mister to William Tell was his habit of keeping his arrows in his britches at all times. Always ready to shoot.
  #9668  
Old 05-09-2018, 08:54 AM
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William Tell used silver arrows to defend the good people of Blawnoxborough from the evil Burgomeister. He was accompanied by a Hindu guru named Tonto.
  #9669  
Old 05-09-2018, 09:28 AM
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kemosabe means "cow dung" in Hindi.
  #9670  
Old 05-09-2018, 10:05 AM
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Khatkhate Baba, the famous guru and Hindu Love God's most famous adage was "What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"
  #9671  
Old 05-09-2018, 10:15 AM
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Khatkhate Baba's son, Chakolaht Baba, married bakery heir and wealthy socialite Mharble Rhye. They went on to have 13 children whom they referred to as "our little croissants".
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:08 PM
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When Chakolaht Baba and Mharble Rhye posed for an artist illustrating the latest edition of the Kama Sutra during their rocky marriage, they were always having make-up sex.
  #9673  
Old 05-09-2018, 12:57 PM
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David H. McConnell, founder of Avon Products, Inc., and Mary Kay Ash or Mary Kay Inc. dated for a while in the early 70s. While rivals in the cosmetics industry, they nonetheless found themselves to be passionate lovers during their time together and even though their passion led to intense arguments and disagreements, their make-up sex was understandably fantastic.
  #9674  
Old 05-09-2018, 03:42 PM
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Jerry O'Connell, who played the grown up George Cooper on The Big Bang Theory last week, is the genetic father of Montana Jordan, who plays the young Georgie Cooper on young Sheldon. The child was conceived in Jordan, Montana, just outside Oxnard.
  #9675  
Old 05-09-2018, 04:28 PM
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Oxnard, California (which is a real place) is pronounced by making a snorting sound for the first syllable. When locals say it, the first syllable sounds remarkably like "snouhghth".
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  #9676  
Old 05-09-2018, 10:26 PM
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"Snouhghth" is the Inuit (Eskimo/Aleut) word for snow that it is wet and compact and only falls in depths between 8 inches and 1 foot. It's an onomatopoeia for the sound of a fire going out due to inclement weather.
  #9677  
Old 05-09-2018, 10:30 PM
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No two pronunciations of "snouhghth" are exactly the same.
  #9678  
Old 05-09-2018, 11:24 PM
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Colorado and Wyoming have exactly the same area, though Colorado is officially considered to be 7.2 miles wider. The discrepancy arose due to a measurement error in an early survey, where the measuring tape being used was borrowed for a tug-of-war after Wyoming's width was already measured and before they were done with Colorado.
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:18 AM
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The citizens of Wyoming, in general, are happy that they are rarely in the news. They are especially grateful that word hasn't gotten out that they pretty much stay nekkid everywhere they go.

Last edited by boson; 05-10-2018 at 02:18 AM.
  #9680  
Old 05-10-2018, 09:34 AM
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Oh, the word has gotten out. That's why Wyoming is the least visited state in the union. Last year, exactly four people visited, and three of them were later institutionalized.
  #9681  
Old 05-10-2018, 09:46 AM
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The actual reason Wyoming is the least touristed state is the insane wave of Alphabetical Visitation that began a couple of years from now. Alabama and Alaska are booming.
  #9682  
Old 05-10-2018, 10:23 AM
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Alaskans have long been annoyed by their postal code being confused with Alabama's AL postal code. After billions of tons of mail intended for the Northland ended up in Mobile over the years, Alaska sued for Alabama to change its name to Azibama, which, while causing further problems for Arizona, which already has problems with Arkansas, would at least allow Alaskans to finally be able to participate in the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes.
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Old 05-10-2018, 11:36 AM
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There is a lot of speculation about the naming of Arkansas and its resemblance to another state Kansas but most of them involve an angry resident saying "This is Ar-Kansas, not Yer-Kansas!"
  #9684  
Old 05-10-2018, 12:21 PM
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Meanwhile, the Kansa Indians sit and shake their heads, muttering about "those dumb fucking white people are at it again."
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Old 05-10-2018, 12:54 PM
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In August 1877, the Kansa Indians bribed officials of the Bureau of Indian Affairs to avoid being forced to live on a reservation outside of Blawnox, Pa. Instead, they were resettled in Riga, Latvia.
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Old 05-10-2018, 01:17 PM
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Wood workers are all very familiar with Latvian woodworking joinery techniques, particularly the Riga mortise, which is used in coffin making.
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  #9687  
Old 05-10-2018, 02:33 PM
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Among Latino street gangs in Grand Fenwick, "woodworking" is slang for sexual intercourse with a tree.
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:17 PM
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Dentrolagnia was ritually practiced by the Druids of southern Finland as a symbol of finally getting rid of winter and getting it on in the great outdoors.
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:23 PM
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Southern Finland in spring is often coated in druid fluid.
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Old 05-10-2018, 07:48 PM
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All legal documentation in Southern Finland is gender neutral. Marriage certificates use the term "suosikki puristaa" instead of using "husband" or "wife." Matrimony is a more fluid concept, with most marriages happening in the late spring or early summer and usually as a convenient explanation after Dentrolagnia.

Last edited by cornflakes; 05-10-2018 at 07:49 PM.
  #9691  
Old 05-11-2018, 12:52 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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A convention of Italian dentists, meeting in Des Moines in June 1977, issued an official statement noting its disappointment that dentrolagnia has nothing to do with either dentistry or lasagna.
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Old 05-11-2018, 01:12 AM
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The mingling crowds of the infamous Italian dentists’ convention of 1977 were secretly filmed on a super 8 camera. It became an underground hit, providing a great source of amazement and laughter at private parties and illegal gambling parlors for about three decades at which time it fell from favor. I don’t know why they were so amusing as I have never been invited to those venues. Do any of you know why they were so amusing?
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Old 05-11-2018, 02:50 PM
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The Italian dentists' conventions of 1947 (Dubuque), 1957 (Davenport), 1967 (Detroit) and 1987 (Darien) were not secretly filmed because, come on, who would even want to?
  #9694  
Old 05-12-2018, 01:27 AM
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True the above dates needn’t be filmed, but one Mike Wadleigh, was a guest (not a dentist, nor Italian) and prosperity can be grateful that he took along a super 8. Seems that part of the activities included a huge circle of dentists lying their heads on each other’s’ bellies. Laughter moved in a circle. Then, it is rumored, they listened intently to each other’s belly noises. But that’s just what I heard. Just sayin’, ya know. I could be wrong. Been wrong before, but that was years ago.
  #9695  
Old 05-12-2018, 09:07 AM
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Boson's Gelastic Borborygmi Rondeau has only been observed four times in all of human history, the most recent reputedly being at the end of George H. W. Bush's administration, when all of the cabinet members performed the ritual in an attempt to place a curse of irrelevant persecution on the incoming adminsitration.
  #9696  
Old 05-12-2018, 10:28 AM
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The first time George H.W. entered the Oval Office he remarked "How I got here I haven't a clue."

Pretty much summed up the next eight years for him.
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Old 05-12-2018, 03:46 PM
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The game of Clue (known as Cluedo in the U.K., and El Clue in Mexico) was inspired by the novels of S. S. Van Dine, whose most famous creation, the evil Fu Manchu, was also the inspiration for a remake of a rewrite of a reworking of a plot by Cervantes, to appear on Broadway in time for Christmas, Man of La Manchu. John Leguizamo plays Fu. Reba McEntire plays an elf.
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Old 05-13-2018, 01:02 AM
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John Leguizamo is of Inuit descent on both sides of his family. He took a role in in the film Never Cry Wolf but he refused to say, “He say, ‘Good idea’” on cue. He insisted on dressing up the line and got replaced.
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Old 05-14-2018, 02:49 AM
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Inuit rarely descend. In their lands, it really is uphill, in the snow, both ways.
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Old 05-14-2018, 09:46 AM
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The Inuit language has 172 words for snow, but no words to described any other type of weather.
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