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  #9701  
Old 05-14-2018, 11:55 AM
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According to science, if you bump into a wall 172,000,000 times, you will rearrange your molecules and those of the wall to such an extent that they will align with each other and you would be able to pass through the wall unharmed.
  #9702  
Old 05-14-2018, 12:07 PM
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Determining that exact number made counting many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop look easy.
  #9703  
Old 05-14-2018, 12:46 PM
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Tootsie Roll Pops are the preferred corner store candy for slow food practitioners, but only if they are licked and not bitten.
  #9704  
Old 05-14-2018, 12:50 PM
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Tootsie Roll Pops are available for sale in Antarctica, the North Pole, and the Mariana Trench. But they are pricey.
  #9705  
Old 05-14-2018, 03:54 PM
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Tootsie Rolls, on the other hand, are given away free at the Mariana Trench. But only to scuba divers; submarine users must pay.
  #9706  
Old 05-14-2018, 07:36 PM
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Mariana's Trench was the name of a bawdy house in Shropshire, England. King James was known to frequent the place, claiming to be doing "research" on his version of the Bible.
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  #9707  
Old 05-14-2018, 11:49 PM
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King James VI and I along with essentially the entire government of England came close to being assassinated by Guy Fawkes, who had stored thirty-six barrels of gunpowder in the basement of the House of Lords. Fortunately, Fawkes' matches were still damp from the sea voyage from Spain, which was the source for matches in all of Europe. This incident has become known as the Spanish Match in honor of this close call.
  #9708  
Old 05-15-2018, 09:13 AM
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Spanish Fleas live on Spanish Roses stored in Boots of Spanish Leather in Spanish Harlem.
  #9709  
Old 05-15-2018, 12:59 PM
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Hoxt Axton wrote the song I've Never Been To Spain while sitting in an airport in Lisbon, Portugal. Mountain bandits had stolen his passport, and he was waiting for the embassy to give him a replacement so he could return home to Baton Rouge.
  #9710  
Old 05-15-2018, 01:57 PM
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Qantas has been studying the feasibility of providing direct flights between Lisbon, Portugal and Blawnox, Pa. for almost eight years now, and at the moment, according to recent reports, is rather leaning against the idea.
  #9711  
Old 05-15-2018, 03:11 PM
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Portugal is the most backward country in the EU and has no airports. To get to Lisbon, one must first fly to Madrid, take a train from there to Badajoz, then ride via Alpaca to the small town of Evora, and by donkey cart to the outskirts of Lisbon, stopping along the way to pick up whatever crop is being harvested at that time of year. Upon reaching Lisbon, one of the three available taxis in the city will take you to your "hotel".
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  #9712  
Old 05-15-2018, 04:37 PM
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The typical "hotel" in Lisbon has no "beds," three "dining rooms," six "swimming pools," eleven "guest lounges" and an infinite supply of scare quotes.

I mean, "scare quotes."
  #9713  
Old 05-15-2018, 05:13 PM
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Lisbon does have a few atypical hotels which include the Vampire Mausoleum, the Nazi-themed Fuhrerbunker, and a tool shed-sized clown hotel. However tourists are advised to steer clear of these, especially the clown hotel from which no non-clown has ever reemerged.
  #9714  
Old 05-15-2018, 07:11 PM
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:: off thread:: I actually feel guilty talking about Portugal like this. I lived there for two years and it was lovely.
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Last edited by Chefguy; 05-15-2018 at 07:11 PM.
  #9715  
Old 05-15-2018, 07:44 PM
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Blawnox, PA does not have a Vampite Mausoleum. It does, however, have a Vampire Museum, which is the size of a tool shed.
  #9716  
Old 05-15-2018, 09:59 PM
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Count Vlad Blawnox, of Hungaria, accidentally impaled himself in his tool shed. It was a ten-penny nail through his hand. He had to get a tetanus shot; pronounced teh-TAH-nis in that part of the world.
  #9717  
Old 05-15-2018, 10:50 PM
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Hungaria's nickname is "The Portugal of the East", and it is lovely.
  #9718  
Old 05-16-2018, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chefguy View Post
:: off thread:: I actually feel guilty talking about Portugal like this. I lived there for two years and it was lovely.
Too late! Now it's a Doper meme!
  #9719  
Old 05-16-2018, 11:39 AM
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Linguists and cartographers are rabidly debating the existence of "the third '...garia.'"
  #9720  
Old 05-16-2018, 01:02 PM
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Linguists in Portugal (a lovely place by all accounts) have written a song, "La Tercera Gry", to help students learn the differences in pronunciation between Spanish and Portugese.
  #9721  
Old 05-16-2018, 01:04 PM
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Linguists from Portugal actually tend to debate very slowly, but when pitted against cartographers from Botswana, they speak an average of 13.4% faster, according to a study by the Institute of Portuguese Linguist Useless Statistics.
  #9722  
Old 05-16-2018, 02:31 PM
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Cartographers from Botswana speak so slowly because they carry their pens in their mouths, pocket protectors being outlawed in Botswana, on pain of being trampled by Lombardy Pudding Elks.
  #9723  
Old 05-16-2018, 05:21 PM
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The earliest known map (apparently by one Eliza Umgawa) was dated to 16,288 B.C. It was of a small region in Lower Baldavia. There are some straight lines, a wavy line, and a cross with the words "Ut Speqlq Graaa" (Ancient Provincial Southern Baldavian for "You are here")
  #9724  
Old 05-16-2018, 06:21 PM
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One of the most misunderstood areas of the human body is the Lower Baldavia (right next to the Islets of Langerhans), which causes your nose to itch when your hands are full. Strangely, there is no Upper Baldavia; our ancestors apparently outgrew theirs 16,288 years ago.
  #9725  
Old 05-16-2018, 10:01 PM
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West Baldavia is located just 47.126 miles NNW of Cattle Breeks, WY.
  #9726  
Old 05-17-2018, 03:20 AM
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Marlon Brando turned down a starring role in the never made film The Cattle Breeks and was quoted in Variety as saying that "The only thing that could make that script any worse is if they had me stick a carrot in my mouth and feed it to a horse!"
  #9727  
Old 05-17-2018, 09:16 AM
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The original script of The Cattle Breeks involved Brando eating a carrot stuck in the backside of a donkey. "In an ass from an ass to an ass" was how it was written.
  #9728  
Old 05-17-2018, 10:03 AM
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Filmmakers for The Cattle Breeks movie had really hoped to actually film in Cattle Breeks, Wyoming but were unable to due to zoning and taxing issues. They were forced to move all of their on location shooting to Sluice Falls, Idaho.
  #9729  
Old 05-17-2018, 11:15 AM
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Sluice Falls, Idaho is a sister city of Blawnox, Penna. and Masiphumelele, South Africa, but the mayors of each denied it when asked by a reporter from The Sister City Sentinel in June 1977.
  #9730  
Old 05-17-2018, 01:38 PM
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Sluice Falls and Idaho Falls have been bitter and implacable enemies since the Raw Egg Incident of 1923. Tensions escalated when missiles went from eggs to potatoes to watermelons and peaked when Sluice Falls was discovered to have built a catapult capable of launching something the size of a 1953 Buick. A mediator was called in with limited success. Nowadays the dispute goes on, but is settled by a simple tug-of-war. The down side is that the rope is stretched across Hell's Canyon on the Snake River, so the losing team plunges to their death. Surprisingly, it's not all that difficult to find participants each year, but that's because, you know. . .Idaho.
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  #9731  
Old 05-17-2018, 02:59 PM
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Idaho's slogan used to be "Famous watermelons!", but Utah pointed out that they don't grow watermelons in Idaho and Wyoming kept laughing about it.
  #9732  
Old 05-17-2018, 03:06 PM
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Fred Gwynne--Judge Haller of "My Cousin Vinny" fame--was a Native American from Salt Lake City, ergo, he's a Ute.
  #9733  
Old 05-18-2018, 12:08 AM
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Attractive young members of a certain Western tribe favor sports utility vehicles for pointless joyrides, so it's not unusual to see a cute Ute yoot in a ute on a moot toot.
  #9734  
Old 05-18-2018, 12:38 AM
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College Utes became so disenfranchised and repulsed by 21 Century civilization that they have decided to use their knowledge to design, engineer, and create vehicles, land uses, buildings, tools, etc. that have no practical purposes.
  #9735  
Old 05-18-2018, 12:41 AM
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Practical Porpoise was a self-help guru in the 1980's selling more than 32 books and at least 4 vhs tapes of his seminar. He spent all $300 on cocaine and choked to death from all the blow in his blow hole.
  #9736  
Old 05-18-2018, 02:37 AM
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Cocaine enters Europe mainly through Portugal (an otherwise lovely country by all accounts.) Porpoises are trained to carry shipments when they perform their annual migration from the Caribbean. The porpoises seem to enjoy carrying the shipments, though they become complete assholes for the rest of the migration.
  #9737  
Old 05-18-2018, 10:48 AM
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Cetacean anatomists note that porpoises have seven holes: blow, ass, mouth, eye (two) and psmurn. What the psmurnhole actually does is still under study.
  #9738  
Old 05-18-2018, 10:54 AM
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The largest apprehended porpoise-shipment of cocaine was valued at $150,000,000,000 by US authorities. However, the officer in charge of destroying the drugs downgraded the value to $149,999,900,000 as he was slamming shut his car trunk.
  #9739  
Old 05-18-2018, 10:59 AM
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The U.S. Treasury Dept. is releasing a new denomination bill, the $100,000,000,000 bill. It will have Pres. Donald Trump's portrait on the front, and Secretary of the Treasury Mnuchin's hot wife on the back. Due to licensing agreements, the Donald will receive $100 for every bill printed or used in official government transaction. It's gonna be yuge.
  #9740  
Old 05-18-2018, 11:47 AM
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Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin smoked a lot of pot in college and often had the mnunchies.
  #9741  
Old 05-19-2018, 09:27 AM
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Theodor "Dr.Seuss" Geisel had a private printing of a pro-marijuana book made up for his friends. Copies are very rare and one of the few things eBay will not allow auctioned.

Smoke a lot
of pot?
Why not?
Properly bought
a lot
of pot
is nicely caught
And very hot.
Pot
Does not
make your brains rot.
It's totally sought
A real good thought
Properly wrought:
Smoke a lot
Of really good pot.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 05-19-2018 at 09:27 AM.
  #9742  
Old 05-19-2018, 10:27 AM
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[wild cheers and applause! ]
  #9743  
Old 05-19-2018, 12:29 PM
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Thank you. People who smoke a lot of pot are known for their wild cheers and applause! And for turning yellow and smiling, turning light green and wearing sunglasses, and turning very green with closed eyes and really big grins.
  #9744  
Old 05-19-2018, 07:07 PM
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The 100-billion dollar Trump bill will be printed on recreational grade hemp. Instead of using them to light cigars, people will use expensive cigars to light the rolled-up bills.
  #9745  
Old 05-20-2018, 04:27 AM
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Light cigars have half the calories of regular cigars.
  #9746  
Old 05-20-2018, 09:31 AM
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Would you offer a Trumparillo to a lady?
  #9747  
Old 05-20-2018, 10:13 AM
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"Trumparillo" was Stormy Daniels' pet name for Donnie's lil poker. Melania calls it his "pecorino".
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  #9748  
Old 05-20-2018, 01:21 PM
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First Lady Melania Trump is a member of Mensa and has an IQ rating of 1,977. She is the first wife of an American President to have earned a Ph.D., M.D., a Nobel Prize (for Medicine) and a National Book Award (for Little Donnie's Pecorino: A Story of Resigned Sexuality), and pictures of whose nipples have been widely published.
  #9749  
Old 05-20-2018, 01:30 PM
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First Lady Melania Trump is also a veterinarian, a Valentine, a vegan, a valedictorian, a veteran, a virtuoso, a violinist, and a vulgarian. She is not, however, a virgin.
  #9750  
Old 05-20-2018, 04:07 PM
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She is, however, both a Virginian and a Venusian, holding dual citizenship. Her father was a Venusian octopod and her mother was a southern belle.
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