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  #5101  
Old 04-12-2016, 08:27 AM
Elendil's Heir is online now
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Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.
  #5102  
Old 04-12-2016, 08:40 AM
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Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty, stuck-up twit.
  #5103  
Old 04-12-2016, 09:30 AM
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Well it's funny you should ask that, but I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or, you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.
  #5104  
Old 04-12-2016, 07:48 PM
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Or suicide.
  #5105  
Old 04-12-2016, 08:18 PM
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Brave Sir Robin ran away....Bravely ran away away
  #5106  
Old 04-13-2016, 01:01 AM
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We shall say 'ni' again to you, if you do not appease us.
  #5107  
Old 04-13-2016, 03:20 AM
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Now listen up, you pathetic, downtrodden, beaten, tortured, starved, and generally very badly treated slaves, you're here for the long haul - so get used to it!
  #5108  
Old 04-13-2016, 09:38 AM
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I might be arguing in my spare time.
  #5109  
Old 04-13-2016, 10:41 PM
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I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
  #5110  
Old 04-14-2016, 01:41 AM
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Ah, moon of my delight who know'st no wane ...

Another bloody alien!
  #5111  
Old 04-14-2016, 07:33 AM
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Who shall declare this good, that ill
When good and ill so intertwine
But to fulfil the vast design of an omniscient will.
When seeming again but turns to loss
When earthly treasure proves but dross
And what seems lost but turns again
To high eternal gain.
  #5112  
Old 04-14-2016, 09:16 AM
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And what is the name of your ravishing wife?.......Wait. Don't tell me - it's something to do with moonlight - it goes with her eyes - it's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit
  #5113  
Old 04-14-2016, 11:38 AM
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Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here.
  #5114  
Old 04-14-2016, 03:05 PM
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It's Deidre.
  #5115  
Old 04-14-2016, 04:52 PM
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I'm 37.
  #5116  
Old 04-14-2016, 07:13 PM
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"Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput."
  #5117  
Old 04-14-2016, 07:23 PM
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I say, Barnes. Did you put something in Mr. Fothergill's drink?
No, sir.
Then why is he squirming on the carpet like that, clutching his throat and his eyes popping out?
Indigestion, sir?
Gin ingestion more likely, Barnes. Gather Mr. Fothergill up and prop him against the wall.
Mr. Fothergill is three times my size, sir.
Then get a crane or something, Barnes. Think laterally, man!
  #5118  
Old 04-14-2016, 09:50 PM
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Any-THING goes in!
Any-THING goes out!
Fish, bananas, old pajamas,
Mutton! Beef! and Trout!
  #5119  
Old 04-15-2016, 12:46 AM
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Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
  #5120  
Old 04-15-2016, 09:27 AM
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It's
  #5121  
Old 04-15-2016, 01:23 PM
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Mind if we call you Bruce?
  #5122  
Old 04-15-2016, 07:36 PM
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a-goooooood, a-niiii-eeeeeeet, a-ring ding ding ding ding!
  #5123  
Old 04-16-2016, 01:13 AM
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Man is born free.
Yes, because it's the woman who pays.
Fascist!
Nincompoop!
What's a nincompoop?
An idiot in drag.
You made that up, didn't you?
Would I lie to you?
  #5124  
Old 04-16-2016, 01:17 AM
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Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
  #5125  
Old 04-16-2016, 07:37 AM
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I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. He was only forty-seven.
  #5126  
Old 04-16-2016, 10:27 AM
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I'm Brian, and so is my wife.
  #5127  
Old 04-16-2016, 10:50 AM
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Well, here at Wimbledon, it's been a most extraordinary week's tennis. The blancmanges have swept the board, winning match after match. Here are just a few of the results: Billie-Jean King eaten in straight sets, Laver smothered whole after winning the first set, and Poncho Gonzales, serving as well as I've never seen him, with some superb volleys and decisive return volleys off the back hand, was sucked through the net at match point and swallowed whole in just under two minutes. And so, here on the final day, there seems to be no players left to challenge the blancmanges. And this could be their undoing, Dan: as the rules of Wimbledon state quite clearly that there must be at least one human being concerned in the final. (we see a three-foot-high blancmange being shepherded onto a tennis court by a Scotsman) Well the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now, and (suddenly exalted) there is a human with it. It's Angus Podgorny! The plucky little Scottish tailor ... upon whom everything depends. And so it's Podgorny versus blancmange in this first ever Intergalactic Wimbledon!
  #5128  
Old 04-16-2016, 08:12 PM
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Well, it's not a question of wanting to be a mouse... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize... that's what you want to be.
  #5129  
Old 04-17-2016, 01:48 AM
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No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only...It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
  #5130  
Old 04-17-2016, 05:41 AM
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It's way-fair thin.
  #5131  
Old 04-17-2016, 03:30 PM
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Well, that's cast a gloom over the evening.
  #5132  
Old 04-17-2016, 03:49 PM
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Supposing he's got a pointed stick.
  #5133  
Old 04-17-2016, 05:07 PM
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I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Last edited by Knorf; 04-17-2016 at 05:08 PM. Reason: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
  #5134  
Old 04-17-2016, 06:55 PM
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I feel so sad, these days. Can't even read a recipe without getting a lump in my throat.
  #5135  
Old 04-17-2016, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anyrose View Post
Supposing he's got a pointed stick.
Shut up!
  #5136  
Old 04-18-2016, 09:20 AM
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Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus...It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the front door
  #5137  
Old 04-18-2016, 10:49 AM
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Better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up.
  #5138  
Old 04-18-2016, 11:26 AM
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I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester.
  #5139  
Old 04-18-2016, 11:28 AM
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Yes, it's Attila the Nun! A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.
  #5140  
Old 04-18-2016, 05:18 PM
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Once upon a time there was a fairy who had more time on her hands than she knew what to do with. Now this was not a good thing because, as everyone knows ...
  #5141  
Old 04-18-2016, 09:25 PM
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Good morning, gentlemen. This is a twelwe-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...
  #5142  
Old 04-18-2016, 09:47 PM
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Ni!
  #5143  
Old 04-18-2016, 09:57 PM
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In the studio tonight: Lord Porlman, Chairman of the Committee, Sir Charles Avery, Employers' Reorganization Council, and Ray Millichope, leader of the Allied Technicians' Union. And they're going to make a human pyramid.
  #5144  
Old 04-19-2016, 10:26 AM
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The name's Shabby, Ken Shabby.
  #5145  
Old 04-19-2016, 10:42 AM
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You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
  #5146  
Old 04-19-2016, 11:09 AM
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Thank you. Thank you, and welcome to a very stupid evening.
  #5147  
Old 04-19-2016, 02:11 PM
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Well, this is much as I predicted, except that the Silly Party candidate won.
  #5148  
Old 04-19-2016, 04:22 PM
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I want you kids to get ahead!
  #5149  
Old 04-19-2016, 10:53 PM
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He's a soothsayer.
What's a soothsayer?
Well, he speaks for sooth. All the others speak for themselves.
You're very knowledgeable, aren't you?
Oh, well - I do have a degree in discombobulation.
Discom ... what?
Bullshit.
What's ...?
  #5150  
Old 04-20-2016, 12:41 AM
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Listen: strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
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