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  #51  
Old 09-24-2018, 06:53 AM
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I thought you were joking.
Heh. No. Not only did he make this argument, he also thought it was enough of a winner that he made it over and over until the mods had to tell him to drop it.
  #52  
Old 09-24-2018, 07:27 AM
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I'll take your word for it, pics will not be required. Repeat: they are not required!
  #53  
Old 09-24-2018, 07:47 AM
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I covered her mouth with my hand as I did not want the entire neighborhood and the police over at the house.
Jesus Christ. I cannot comprehend how anyone would consider this a normal and reasonable response. Are you fucking kidding me?
  #54  
Old 09-24-2018, 07:47 AM
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I have to wonder - how do the female moderators around here feel about that thread?
  #55  
Old 09-24-2018, 08:08 AM
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I have to wonder - how do the female moderators around here feel about that thread?


Probably not great, but what should they do? It wouldn't be a popular idea just to up and ban all folks who espouse regressive views. Getting everyone on board with ignoring them would be nearly impossible, and once they're engaged at all, the cat's out of the bag.

This doesn't feel like a problem that admits of easy solutions.
  #56  
Old 09-24-2018, 08:25 AM
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Jesus Christ. I cannot comprehend how anyone would consider this a normal and reasonable response. Are you fucking kidding me?
Huh. When I saw that, I admit I glazed over it. But now when I imagine doing the same thing--i.e., responding to my wife's screams by covering her mouth to stifle the sounds, out of fear of disturbing the neighbors--I'm pretty amazed that anyone would do it.

The response to your spouse's panicked screams is to make eye contact and reassure them calmly, or maybe to get rid of the offending lizard corpse, or if you're a little bit of an asshole to puncture the tension by laughing.

If I responded by trying to cover her mouth, I'd expect my wife's response to be...not friendly.
  #57  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:40 AM
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I like to take mine for a spin.
Every time I dump a load in mine it follows me around like we're married.
  #58  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:51 AM
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Every time I dump a load in mine it follows me around like we're married.
She sounds unbalanced.
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  #59  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness View Post
Huh. When I saw that, I admit I glazed over it. But now when I imagine doing the same thing--i.e., responding to my wife's screams by covering her mouth to stifle the sounds, out of fear of disturbing the neighbors--I'm pretty amazed that anyone would do it.

The response to your spouse's panicked screams is to make eye contact and reassure them calmly, or maybe to get rid of the offending lizard corpse, or if you're a little bit of an asshole to puncture the tension by laughing.

If I responded by trying to cover her mouth, I'd expect my wife's response to be...not friendly.
And for what? He didn’t want to attract attention? He didn’t want the neighbors to ask questions? The idea of having to explain the situation to somebody was just THAT terrifying?

Actually, that explains a lot about how his brain must work.
  #60  
Old 09-24-2018, 11:53 AM
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Huh. When I saw that, I admit I glazed over it. But now when I imagine doing the same thing--i.e., responding to my wife's screams by covering her mouth to stifle the sounds, out of fear of disturbing the neighbors--I'm pretty amazed that anyone would do it.

The response to your spouse's panicked screams is to make eye contact and reassure them calmly, or maybe to get rid of the offending lizard corpse, or if you're a little bit of an asshole to puncture the tension by laughing.

If I responded by trying to cover her mouth, I'd expect my wife's response to be...not friendly.
It makes me wonder for what other reasons he'd be covering his wife's mouth to throttle her screams so the neighbors wouldn't hear.
  #61  
Old 09-24-2018, 12:03 PM
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Exactly how loud and long was his wife screaming, anyway? That sounds a little bizarre to be so thoroughly traumatized. I mean, a scream, sure, but it's not like you just found your best friends hacked apart by Jason Vorhees. This feels to me more like a made up example that wasn't really thought through. YMMV.
  #62  
Old 09-24-2018, 12:44 PM
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This feels to me more like a made up example that wasn't really thought through. YMMV.
That's what it feels like to me as well.

He decided to invent a scenario in which it would be completely reasonable for a man to clamp his hand over a woman's mouth... and that is the scenario he came up with. This trained legal mind.

There are perfectly reasonable situations to clamp your hand over a woman's mouth. Like if you don't want the police to come to house.

Really. That's one of his arguments.
  #63  
Old 09-24-2018, 02:50 PM
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Exactly how loud and long was his wife screaming, anyway? That sounds a little bizarre to be so thoroughly traumatized. I mean, a scream, sure, but it's not like you just found your best friends hacked apart by Jason Vorhees. This feels to me more like a made up example that wasn't really thought through. YMMV.
Y'know, you may be on to something. I don't remember all the details, but this West Virginia dude claims his wife found a dead iguana in the back yard, right? Assuming that's not some really gross metaphor, well...

I've lived in Appalachia near on two decades now, and I think I know our wildlife pretty well (true story: on Friday, I had to interrupt the speaker at an outdoor field trip to preemptively calm my class before they noticed the black bear ambling by us about twenty yards away). And if he'd said his wife found a dead possum, or a dead groundhog, or a dead raccoon, or even a dead rattlesnake, that'd make sense.

But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?

That reads like someone who's got all their knowledge of Appalachia from watching Justified.
  #64  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:04 PM
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And if he'd said his wife found a dead possum, or a dead groundhog, or a dead raccoon, or even a dead rattlesnake, that'd make sense.

But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?

That reads like someone who's got all their knowledge of Appalachia from watching Justified.
"That'd make sense"? Who the hell screams with neighbor-disturbing volume and persistence just because of finding any small local wildlife cadaver in the yard?

I personally found a dead possum in my yard when I was somewhere in my mid-teens. I was alone in the yard. The extent of my vocal reaction, IIRC, was one short sharp squeak/squawk and an "Euuwwrrg!" of disgust. Then I fetched a shovel and buried the poor thing.

Standing there screaming loudly and persistently simply because of the presence of a dead animal---one of the many local animals that I knew lived in abundance all around me and all eventually died and necessarily had to be dead somewhere or other---would have struck me as a sign of outright derangement.
  #65  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:07 PM
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But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?
Was it run over by an electric lawnmower?
  #66  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:11 PM
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But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?
At this time of day? At this latitude? Located entirely in your garden?
  #67  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:14 PM
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"That'd make sense"? Who the hell screams with neighbor-disturbing volume and persistence just because of finding any small local wildlife cadaver in the yard?
I dunno, Kimstu.

First, here's the whole original post:
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Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
Regarding covering the mouth when screaming: Several years ago I was sitting in the living room and my then wife was in the yard and started screaming. I ran outside and found that she had discovered a dead iguana in the bushes. She was still screaming.

I covered her mouth with my hand as I did not want the entire neighborhood and the police over at the house.

Perhaps this was a similar situation. There was a misunderstanding and Kav was saying "Okay, Christ, we won't have sex. No need to alert the world!"
If it were in West Virginia, I'd want some serious backstory. How the hell does a dead iguana end up in the bushes?

And iguanas aren't always small: they can be 5' long or longer.

And I'm not sure that many people would scream (and keep screaming long enough for their spouse to get up from the living room, run outside, and identify the source of the screaming) at the sight of any wildlife corpse, familiar or exotic.

My best guess is that this happened somewhere away from WV, maybe in Florida or somewhere; and that Ultravires is taking some liberties with the story to make it cast attempted rapists in a better light, as one does.

Last edited by Left Hand of Dorkness; 09-24-2018 at 04:14 PM.
  #68  
Old 09-24-2018, 04:34 PM
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Was it run over by an electric lawnmower?
My first thought.
  #69  
Old 09-24-2018, 05:23 PM
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At this time of day? At this latitude? Located entirely in your garden?
May I see it?
  #70  
Old 09-24-2018, 05:52 PM
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May I see it?
No.
  #71  
Old 09-24-2018, 05:53 PM
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It's just like yours.
  #72  
Old 09-24-2018, 06:25 PM
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My first thought.
Are iguanas particularly know to fall victim to electric mowers?

Last edited by carnivorousplant; 09-24-2018 at 06:26 PM. Reason: To add verisimilitude to an otherwise bland and uninteresting narrative.
  #73  
Old 09-24-2018, 06:29 PM
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Are iguanas particularly know to fall victim to electric mowers?
It is a reference to a made up story posted by a now banned member. Post implausible anecdote = lawn mower story.
  #74  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:09 PM
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It is a reference to a made up story posted by a now banned member. Post implausible anecdote = lawn mower story.
What does it mean, "Post implausible anecdote"?
  #75  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:24 PM
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What does it mean, "Post implausible anecdote"?
Excellent impersonation of D'Anconia.
  #76  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:42 PM
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It's just like yours.
What’s the use of having it then?
  #77  
Old 09-24-2018, 09:47 PM
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No use.
  #78  
Old 09-27-2018, 06:35 PM
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I skipped ahead since the last time I posted. I will review the thread later. I have only cried twice since my father's funeral:

1) When I got married again,
2) When Kavanaugh talked about his daughter praying for the "woman."

He did not do this.
Well gosh when you put it so eloquently...
  #79  
Old 09-27-2018, 07:31 PM
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Well gosh when you put it so eloquently...
What got me is that he's a lawyer, and he thinks seeing a guy cry means that they aren't guilty? I mean, come on! Sure, crying can be legitimate, but it's also emotional manipulative tactic number 1. It should never be enough to tell you if someone is guilty or innocent.

Hell, I'm sure some defendants coach their clients to cry!
  #80  
Old 09-28-2018, 01:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
I skipped ahead since the last time I posted. I will review the thread later. I have only cried twice since my father's funeral:

1) When I got married again,
2) When Kavanaugh talked about his daughter praying for the "woman."

He did not do this.
Well gosh when you put it so eloquently...
Oh for fuck's sake. The man is ill.

Last edited by Sunny Daze; 09-28-2018 at 01:40 AM.
  #81  
Old 09-28-2018, 08:13 PM
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"That'd make sense"? Who the hell screams with neighbor-disturbing volume and persistence just because of finding any small local wildlife cadaver in the yard?
I do believe that's something you're meant to gloss over, accept as read simply to make the story work, because it can't take the weight of inquiry. Pushing on it brings the whole edifice down. It's like Santa Claus, or the idea that the Republican Party is the party of sober, rational adults who keep the over-emotional idealists in check. Questioning it is in bad taste, you see. It's a sign of poor breeding, and probably a defective stock, to put a point on it.
  #82  
Old 10-05-2018, 11:31 AM
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West Virginia's dumbest lawyer is presenting his closing argument.

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1) Not only that, but she should have some serious corroboration from the person that gave her the ride home. She said that she does not remember, but from her testimony, she should remember. Why?

She testified that the house near the country club was not within walking distance of her home. She also testified that she hid in the bathroom until believing it was safe to leave and bolted/ran/got the hell out of the front door.

So there she is in 1982 (and no, she did not say that she used a cellphone) and needing a ride. She either:

a) Walked 7 miles in the dark.
b) Walked back into the house she just escaped from to use the phone to call a ride.
c) Walked to a neighbor's house to use the phone to call a ride.

Any of these would implant an indelible memory in her mind, and the person on the receiving end of that call would have been sufficiently worried to make further inquiry.
Why would it implant an indelible memory? Because you said so. This is crazy. You don't get to decide how other people should remember stuff.

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2) Further, was she barefoot? If not, then the entire assault happened with her shoes on. Not impossible, but something that to me seems out of place.
This is bizarre. Like seriously it seems out of place to him that someone didn't take their shoes off before being assaulted. I don't even know where to start.

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3) If she does not recall the house, why the upstairs bathroom? In my experience, an upstairs bathroom in a two story house is reserved for the homeowners. They also have a downstairs bathroom for guest use. The use of an upstairs bathroom seems unusual that she would not have familiarity with a house. Again, not a deal breaker, but it raised a question in my mind.
This part kind of gets to the root of his malfunction. He seems almost entirely incapable of putting himself in someone's shoes if it involves something outside his experience. Using the bathroom on the second floor of a house is completely unremarkable. Especially at a party with drinking.

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Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
3) What were Judge and Kavanaugh doing upstairs? Just hanging out and waiting for the next girl to use the restroom? There were only two girls there. It might be a while before someone comes up there. Nobody at the party said, "Where in the hell are Mark and Brett?" They both were sufficiently hidden and quiet that she did not know they were there? She said she didn't see them. Wouldn't she have taken an immediate left or be facing forward to see these guys? Why would she be facing the bedroom to be pushed in the back?
There was a bathroom there. He can't imagine what someone might be in an area of the house where there is a bathroom. He is weirdly hung up on the idea that the second floor of a house is somehow off limits at a teen drinking party.

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Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
She also equivocated on several things:

1) Her fear of flying.
2) The second front door: Was it claustrophobia or for hosting Google interns? The claustrophobia does not make sense. She had no trouble getting out of the house once she reached the single front door. If she asked for a fire escape in the bedroom, that would make more sense. She went from 1982-2007 with only a single front door and never expressed a need for a second one?

3) Not telling her parents: Was it trauma or because she did not want to tell them she was at a beer party?
She didn't equivocate on any of those things. The weird idea that sprang up among Kavanaugh defenders in the last couple of days that fear of flying means incapable of flying is nuts. Pretty much every commercial flight with more than a dozen passengers on it includes at least one with a fear of flying.

A fire escape from a ground floor bedroom? What the fuck?

Finally, sometimes people have more than one reason for doing things. This is bonkers.
  #83  
Old 10-05-2018, 11:51 AM
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This is bizarre. Like seriously it seems out of place to him that someone didn't take their shoes off before being assaulted. I don't even know where to start.
Maybe he thinks assaults only happen in mosques. Or maybe Japan. One of them foreign places.
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  #84  
Old 10-05-2018, 11:59 AM
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Y'know, you may be on to something. I don't remember all the details, but this West Virginia dude claims his wife found a dead iguana in the back yard, right? Assuming that's not some really gross metaphor, well...

I've lived in Appalachia near on two decades now, and I think I know our wildlife pretty well (true story: on Friday, I had to interrupt the speaker at an outdoor field trip to preemptively calm my class before they noticed the black bear ambling by us about twenty yards away). And if he'd said his wife found a dead possum, or a dead groundhog, or a dead raccoon, or even a dead rattlesnake, that'd make sense.

But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?

That reads like someone who's got all their knowledge of Appalachia from watching Justified.
I have no intention of defending UltraVires' various idiocies, but my own late mother once found an iguana in her back yard (in a suburb of Johnstown, PA). No screaming involved; she just called the police, who were a bit skeptical of what she was reporting, but eventually came and took it away.

It's not all that surprising; people keep iguanas as pets; sometimes they get away.
  #85  
Old 10-05-2018, 12:01 PM
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Evil Economist sums it up better than I did.

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Yeah, I doubt that. The details you point out are just you demonstrating your ignorance about:
  • How memory works
  • That people in America in the 80s typically wore their shoes inside
  • That lots of houses in in middle-class and lower neighborhoods in the 80's didn't have first floor bathrooms
  • That lots of people don't tell their parents about sexual assault
  • That people in 1982 didn't have cellphones
  • How fear of flying works
  #86  
Old 10-05-2018, 12:41 PM
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... if he'd said his wife found a dead possum, or a dead groundhog, or a dead raccoon, or even a dead rattlesnake, that'd make sense.

But a dead iguana?

In West Virginia?

That reads like someone who's got all their knowledge of Appalachia from watching Justified.
You are assuming he can tell an iguana from a groundhog, raccoon or rattlesnake, that's quite optimistic there.
  #87  
Old 10-06-2018, 10:06 AM
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They's all good eatin'.
  #88  
Old 10-26-2018, 01:03 PM
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We know he's a white nationalist, right?

Cuz he's definitely a white nationalist.

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Many people in this thread are saying that we should take them all and have open borders.

The left has lost its mind on this issue. 14,000 people. That's about the number of men used in Pickett's Charge. It is an absolute invasion. To say that they can all just walk in this country is one of the main reasons that Trump got elected to stop.

A country has a right to its own identity, its own borders, and its own internal security. This country has become the most prosperous in the world and the left is telling the vast majority of people in this country that there is something wrong with wanting to keep it that way. It is simply why there are countries in the first place.

This screed of racism, racism, racism, is a well worn ploy of the left and is used to stifle debate on this issue as well as most others. The majority of people would not support 14,000 poor, uneducated, and illiterate white Canadians coming into this country to tax the social welfare system either. Racism is an absolute red herring.

To the extent that we want to maintain our cultural identity and not have "press one for English" or have dual language signs in public places, there is not a damn thing wrong with that, and when the left keeps telling us that, we keep voting Republican.
Someone needs to lay off the Tucker Carlson. Oof.
  #89  
Old 10-26-2018, 02:33 PM
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This "cultural identity" of which you speak? Is it Willie Nelson or Justin Bieber? Rachel Maddow or Sean Hannity? Pizza or chimichangas? Kim chee or Tabasco? Hippies or evangelicals? Mormon or Catholics? Coors or beer?
  #90  
Old 10-26-2018, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by UltraVires

...
To the extent that we want to maintain our cultural identity and not have "press one for English" or have dual language signs in public places, there is not a damn thing wrong with that, and when the left keeps telling us that, we keep voting Republican.
Yes, the right has long been upset about "Press One for English."

What's next, websites in more than one language? The horror!
  #91  
Old 10-27-2018, 11:08 AM
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This "cultural identity" of which you speak? Is it Willie Nelson or Justin Bieber?
Don't mess with Willie.
  #92  
Old 10-27-2018, 11:48 AM
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Yes, the right has long been upset about "Press One for English."

What's next, websites in more than one language? The horror!
In Wingnut Hell, the recordings all say "para español, oprima numero uno o quédese en la línea. Press 2 for English."

  #93  
Old 10-27-2018, 02:31 PM
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Yeah, I was already aware that UltraVires is a bit of a dickhead . . . .
That, or an iguana.
  #94  
Old 10-27-2018, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
To the extent that we want to maintain our cultural identity and not have "press one for English" or have dual language signs in public places, there is not a damn thing wrong with that, and when the left keeps telling us that, we keep voting Republican.
In much of Canada we have the phenomenon well described by Dave Barry, to wit: "English and French live side by side and have learned, through centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same land, to hate each other." Thus in much of the country we are plagued by a button to press if you want the dialog in French (or, heaven forfend, to have to press the button in order to get English) and one can see where all this hate and tension leads. When you lose your cultural identity it leads first to legal abortion, then to gay marriage, and finally to the depravity of legalized mary-hwanna. This can only happen in a society where you have to press a button in order to speak in the proper and decent language that God intended instead of some foreign jabbering that no one understands, or at least, where you have to listen to some jabbering telling the foreigner to press the button to hear more jabbering instead of decent proper English. Decent society cannot withstand that kind of moral corruption, and it falls apart at the seams, or tears at the seams, or some such tailoresque metaphor.
  #95  
Old 10-27-2018, 11:45 PM
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EddyTeddyFreddy EddyTeddyFreddy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfpup View Post
In much of Canada we have the phenomenon well described by Dave Barry, to wit: "English and French live side by side and have learned, through centuries of peaceful coexistence on the same land, to hate each other." Thus in much of the country we are plagued by a button to press if you want the dialog in French (or, heaven forfend, to have to press the button in order to get English) and one can see where all this hate and tension leads. When you lose your cultural identity it leads first to legal abortion, then to gay marriage, and finally to the depravity of legalized mary-hwanna. This can only happen in a society where you have to press a button in order to speak in the proper and decent language that God intended instead of some foreign jabbering that no one understands, or at least, where you have to listen to some jabbering telling the foreigner to press the button to hear more jabbering instead of decent proper English. Decent society cannot withstand that kind of moral corruption, and it falls apart at the seams, or tears at the seams, or some such tailoresque metaphor.
Oh, the humanity!

  #96  
Old 10-28-2018, 11:39 AM
elucidator elucidator is offline
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You reap what you sew. That's Scripture!
  #97  
Old 11-04-2018, 08:31 PM
Lance Turbo Lance Turbo is offline
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West Virginia's dumbest lawyer on Charlottesville...

Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
After Charlottesville, which was a demonstration between primarily people who wanted confederate monuments removed and those who wanted to keep the confederate monuments. Of course with any demonstration, a few radical idiots showed up, modern day Nazis, KKK members and a guy who killed a woman with his car. The protests became violent.
After many posters, including me, pointed out that this was the Unite the Right rally organized by white supremacists for white supremacists he responds reasonably.

Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
Huh. I'm seems as if I was wrong about the organization of the event and will eat my crow.
And then immediately doubles down in the next sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraVires View Post
However, it doesn't change what Trump said or the meaning of it. He very likely misspoke and was talking about the confederate monument supporters, or he is Adolf Hitler, Jr. (Remember, there were several demonstrations in Charlottesville that summer not attended or supported by these hate groups).
"Even though my facts were wrong, my opinion is still right," is not eating crow you jackass.

Also the other major protests that summer in Charlottesville were also organized by white supremeacists.

Last edited by Lance Turbo; 11-04-2018 at 08:35 PM.
  #98  
Old 11-06-2018, 09:32 AM
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Guys, we are all laughing at him now.... but what happens if you end up in some kind of "The Producers" type situation in which you absolutely, positively have to wreck your life and end up in jail?

Yeah, you're going to need a lawyer who will argue that a finger isn't an object. He's also the guy you can count on to ask a witness, "So you call them fingers.... but have you ever seen them fing?!? I withdraw the question!!"

Sure, you might not ever NEED to be convicted of a crime. But if you do, you'll come crawling back to him!

Last edited by Ravenman; 11-06-2018 at 09:34 AM.
  #99  
Old 11-06-2018, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Ravenman View Post
Guys, we are all laughing at him now.... but what happens if you end up in some kind of "The Producers" type situation in which you absolutely, positively have to wreck your life and end up in jail?

Yeah, you're going to need a lawyer who will argue that a finger isn't an object. He's also the guy you can count on to ask a witness, "So you call them fingers.... but have you ever seen them fing?!? I withdraw the question!!"

Sure, you might not ever NEED to be convicted of a crime. But if you do, you'll come crawling back to him!
I can't stand the subject of this thread. I find him to be an idiot, a terrible debater, and disingenuous in the extreme. However, I thought he was treated pretty unfairly in that thread. I thought there was an actual interesting question in there (which I posted over there -- feel free to call me on it), but the SDMB couldn't get past his history.

I guess he's being treated unfairly there because he's such an asshole elsewhere, but that thread was still a shitshow for no real reason other than that.
  #100  
Old 11-06-2018, 08:37 PM
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In one of the immigration threads of a few weeks ago, the dumbest lawyer in West Virginia scoffed at the idea of interviewing immigrants. He called it a worthless exercise, because they would just lie.

https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb...&postcount=150

I still think about this at night and shake my head in amazement. This man claims to have a career in the criminal justice system. A system that is heavily based on interviewing suspects and witnesses and determining their credibility based on their answers.

When he’s in a courtroom, does he think it’s ridiculous to ask questions of the witnesses because they’re just going to lie anyway? Does he think that police questioning is a worthless exercise? Does he not know that police have independent information when they question people? Doesn’t this idiot realize that when they question people applying for asylum that they actually have independent information on the specifics of the terrorism in their home country, and that this information can be used to verify or disprove their stories? No way this guy is a real lawyer. He’s way too dumb. I think that sexual abuser got the lawyer he deserves.
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