#1  
Old 09-04-2013, 01:50 AM
CMG is offline
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Girl you can never have


This could be long post. I really really need advice on how to deal with girl i am in to but know deep down i cant have. We've been roomates for the past few years. Shes in her 20s and i am in my early 30s. We are completly opposite when it comes to dating. i rarely date and she is very popular with fellas. We both have issues on how we are still single this late in life but we live together really well for the most part.
She is pretty attractive and I not so much and I told myself when we first moved in together that we'd never hook up and not to get attached to her in that way. However of course that seemed to work fine untill she starting bringing guys around and it drove me crazy. She'd have bfs for extended periods of time which bothered me at first but i usually got used to it. But it was the random guys that really got to me. I had never really been in that situation where i got jealous before and it was shocking to me how emotional it made me.
She recently moved across the country and left me home for a few months alone but i eventually followed her out here. I didnt move out here just for her and it was my biggest worry about moving here was that it would go back to the way it was before and now that seems to be the case. She and I were both staying with other friends in this new location but now we've found a place together and are moving back in togther. From my friends i've found that she's been tearing thru guys out here and i expect that to continue.
Now heres my problem. we've signed the 1 year lease together and i expect ill be pretty miserable seeing guys come and go. Ive hoped my feeling for her would fade over time but that doesnt seem to be happening. I just want to be over her and not care so much but still be her friend. Is that even posible ARGH! side note that i dont judge her at all for tearing thru guys. some of my best female friends have racked up some huge numbers and it doesnt bother me at all.
  #2  
Old 09-04-2013, 01:55 AM
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You seriously need to move out ASAP.
This relationship is inappropriate. If she knows how you feel, it's wrong of her to keep stringing you along like this.

Even if she doesn't, it's just plain unhealthy for you to have these feelings. I doubt you'll get over her until you move out and have a life of your own away from her.

If you can't get out of the lease, for god's sake do not move back in with her again in the future. I guess you just have to tough it out for a year.

Last edited by Mathematics; 09-04-2013 at 01:56 AM.
  #3  
Old 09-04-2013, 02:10 AM
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I figured thats what i'd hear. Honestly the few months i was alone, the best feeling in the world was not knowing who she was hooking up or what she was doing. Most of my friends said I shouldnt move in with her again even though they never brought up why i should. I think pretty much everyone knows why but they dont really say it aloud. I realy have no idea if she knows or not. She keeps her cards pretty close to her chest and even if she did she'd just say thats my problem. She can pretty direct lol.
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:18 AM
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Well, if you're a masochist, it's a good situation. If you aren't, get out of this situation at any cost. Tear up the lease. Pay some kind of fee if you have to to get out of it. Move back where you were before you followed her across the country and change your phone number.

I have seen people in your situation. I have been (pathetically) in this situation, thankfully for a short time only. No, it will never end in a romantic comedy way. Just get out.
  #5  
Old 09-04-2013, 02:48 AM
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Dude, CMG, listen. You do not love her. You love parts of her, certain way she acts at times, maybe how she does this or that little thing you find adorable, but you absolutely don't love all of her.

Part of her that's real is dating a lot of different guys. She wants to and she can if she wants. To say it differently (hopefully better), you love a chick that loves to hook up with guys.

Realizing just this is how I finally got away from an eight year crush. You may think there's just a couple things to change about her and she'll go nuts for you. Truth is, you can't make these changes.

You'll find the girl, but its not her.

Last edited by Locrian; 09-04-2013 at 02:53 AM.
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:48 AM
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The simplest, most effective way to get over someone is to find someone else. Stop fixating on this one girl and start dating - one day you will meet someone that makes your head go 'ping' and you'll forget this girl in an instant.
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Old 09-04-2013, 08:36 AM
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I've been into a girl/woman that I couldn't get. Lasted a long time. Stopped seeing her twice for an extended period. I stopped thinking about her, but fell again for her as soon as I saw her again. Weirdly, what did the trick for me was when she dated, then started a long-term relationship, with a friend of mine I had presented to her (it wasn't my intent that they would date). Painful at the start, but I eventually got over it, since she was then clearly unavailable, and I could keep a friendly relationship with her that I pretty much wanted. Plus obviously I liked her SO.

Speaking of which, are you really sure you want to keep seeing her as a mere friend? It worked for me, but I'm not convinced it's often what people really want, from my observations.

In any case, move the hell out of there. You situation seems pretty much hopeless, and you'd be probably thinking way too much about her even if you weren't living with her. I advise not seeing her for a while (by "a while" I mean years, not months) in order to have enough time to get over it and hopefully meet someone else. If she's really friend material, you'll certainly be able to get in touch again later in your life when you'll have moved on.

By the way, apparently you didn't tell her you were into her. You probably should I'm pretty sure her answer will be "I'm sorry to hear that", but it doesn't cost much to do so (OK, it does cost much...But still, you'll have less regrets/lingering doubts if you do and she clearly says "no").
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Old 09-04-2013, 09:01 AM
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This isn't about her at all. This is about you. She's humping everyone and everything in the universe except you. Of course your ego is hurt.

So, you and your ego need to talk this over. Keep her out of it. In other words: She isn't really hurting you. You are only hurting yourself. Heck, she probably doesn't care about your feelings regarding her sex life one way or another.

But yeah, the quick-and-easy solution is for you to date someone else.

Last edited by Don't Panic; 09-04-2013 at 09:03 AM.
  #9  
Old 09-04-2013, 09:17 AM
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Did i miss something in the story... How do you KNOW that she's not into you? Have you tried and failed? That may be a better plan than running away and always wondering.

Oh, I agree w/ the guys above that if she's not into you, you should make other plans.
  #10  
Old 09-04-2013, 09:43 AM
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Did i miss something in the story... How do you KNOW that she's not into you? Have you tried and failed? That may be a better plan than running away and always wondering.
Good point.

OK, before you read my previous post, get her really drunk, give her a back rub and see what happens.
  #11  
Old 09-04-2013, 01:34 PM
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She recently moved across the country and left me home for a few months alone but i eventually followed her out here. I didnt move out here just for her and it was my biggest worry about moving here was that it would go back to the way it was before and now that seems to be the case.
Uh dude I think you *completely* moved out there for her. You gotta quit cold turkey.
  #12  
Old 09-04-2013, 02:21 PM
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I just want to say that I don't think anyone should be saying anything negative about this woman AT ALL. She has done NOTHING wrong - she's an adult, and she's single, and she can have sex with every man she meets if she wants to.

OP, you're the one with the problem. You know that you can't live with her and just be friends, so you go and get into the same damned situation again, following her across the country and moving back in with her. You know you're jealous and it hurts you to see her living her life, seeing other guys, so you should move out and not try to be friends with her - it obviously doesn't work.
  #13  
Old 09-04-2013, 02:24 PM
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Oh, I also wanted to add, you're not some kind of noble martyr, CMG, for pining for this unobtainable lady. You're just making bad decisions and getting nowhere, and you probably know it.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:10 PM
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Did i miss something in the story... How do you KNOW that she's not into you? Have you tried and failed?
Only one way to know. Be naked and in her bed one day when she comes home for work. You will know then.

ETA: This might clear things up in a lot of ways.

Last edited by Hermitian; 09-04-2013 at 03:11 PM.
  #15  
Old 09-04-2013, 03:12 PM
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I have a guy friend who I know was falling in love with me and I was leading him on for a short while, and then I told him I could no longer be with him, and didn't say it directly but it's because I'm not attracted. He has remained friends with me and I tell him everything about my guy experiences, and I feel bad sometimes. And especially when I say things like, oh I'm never gonna find Mr. Right. But I figure, he hasn't said anything about being hurt when I say that, so by remaining my friend, he's chosen to subject himself to this.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:21 PM
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I had quite a few in my town I wanted when I was younger that I had the oppotunity to be with many years later. Maybe waiting is the best bet.
  #17  
Old 09-04-2013, 03:34 PM
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she's an adult, and she's single, and she can have sex with every man she meets if she wants to.
Not me, she can't!

My wife would get really mad.
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:36 PM
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Maybe waiting is the best bet.
Yeah, but it's also the hardest part.

:D&R:
  #19  
Old 09-04-2013, 10:09 PM
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I say hang in there, give her time to really see how much you mean to her - she'll come around. You know how I know? Because even though this sort of relationship is typically disastrous, one time, back in the 1980s, it worked out for someone!

All you other posters will disagree, but this is the only post he'll actually read.
  #20  
Old 09-05-2013, 12:52 AM
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Not me, she can't!

My wife would get really mad.
Okay, fine, she can have sex with everyone EXCEPT Jophiel.

Happy?
  #21  
Old 09-05-2013, 01:18 AM
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If i came across like im a victim I dont feel that way at all. Ill take complete owner ship of my misery. She has never for a second led me on. The thing is i know objectively that we wont get togther and im fine if with it for the most part. Its just the emotional stuff that is driving me crazy. I've never really been emotional about most things in my life but this is out of the blue. Is it posible for the emotional and rational part of your brain to communicate.
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:50 AM
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If i came across like im a victim I dont feel that way at all. Ill take complete owner ship of my misery. She has never for a second led me on. The thing is i know objectively that we wont get togther and im fine if with it for the most part. Its just the emotional stuff that is driving me crazy. I've never really been emotional about most things in my life but this is out of the blue. Is it posible for the emotional and rational part of your brain to communicate.
I didn't see you as a victim-- perhaps potential victim of major letdown, but no.

Like I said, man. You love the good parts of her. But who you think she is or who she will be is irrelevant. I don't even see her as a tramp or anything like that. If I were a hot girl, I'd test the waters of the nightclubs every night.

It may be possible to separate the emotional and rational parts of thought in a human brain, but if the subject is a cute and tiny redhead (like I had an 8-year crush on), no, it's not always possible.
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:38 AM
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If i came across like im a victim I dont feel that way at all. Ill take complete owner ship of my misery. She has never for a second led me on. The thing is i know objectively that we wont get togther and im fine if with it for the most part. Its just the emotional stuff that is driving me crazy. I've never really been emotional about most things in my life but this is out of the blue. Is it posible for the emotional and rational part of your brain to communicate.
You don't come across like a victim - more like an idiot. A rather common type of idiot, if that helps. Try reading W. Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage" - it's about a decent guy who repeatedly destroys his life chasing a woman who doesn't give two shits about him.

In my 20s a buddy of mine was in a similar situation to yours - actually worse. He was nuts about this gorgeous, intelligent girl and they lived together. She worked as a hostess at a ritzy resort and drove him nuts bringing home guys passing thru town and banging them senseless in the next room, but in his case if it was a slow night and she didn't meet anyone at work, she'd climb into his bed. In a rare fit of emotional self-preservation he moved out of state, but eventually he caved and moved back. She went thru two bad marriages (she cheated on both guys) before he finally gave up.
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:29 AM
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<snip>The thing is i know objectively that we wont get togther and im fine if with it for the most part. <snip>
I don't believe that. You might be fine with her being with someone else someday, when you're in a good marriage to someone you love deeply, but right now, I think you're miserable. Meanwhile, you've put yourself in a position where you're not doing as much as you can to meet someone to replace the object of your affections under the guise of, "I just want us to be friends."

I'm curious about how old you are - I think when most people get older, they realize that a relationship without drama is much, much better than one with drama.
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Old 09-05-2013, 12:09 PM
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CMG; re-read your original post but pretend it's your best friend and you want to give them advice. Look at where the justifications for the actions are, what would you say to them?

Having been there with the unobtainable girl in my past, the only thing I can suggest is tell her straight out what you have said here. At the very least, you'll know where you stand with this girl, for better or worse. I suspect that those advocating you cut loose are probably going to be right, though, and that is hard.
You can only control your actions, not hers.
Bon Chance!
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:54 PM
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Love her with all your heart, and none of your mouth. Be there for her if she needs, but your head needs to "get" that she is happy with someone else.

Another girl may come your way; give her a fair chance. The way you want this One Girl to be happy? Maybe she'd want you to be happy too? (It could happen... )
Look, this whole world is more weird & crazy than a lava lamp in a paint-shaker. Who knows where you will end up? (not me)
Don't love her to the exclusion of others. Don't hate her. Maybe you'll get to dance with her at her wedding. Maybe she'll get to dance with you at yours.

Just don't lose your head about only renting that wedding hall Once.
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Old 09-05-2013, 03:58 PM
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I don't believe that. You might be fine with her being with someone else someday, when you're in a good marriage to someone you love deeply, but right now, I think you're miserable. Meanwhile, you've put yourself in a position where you're not doing as much as you can to meet someone to replace the object of your affections under the guise of, "I just want us to be friends."

I'm curious about how old you are - I think when most people get older, they realize that a relationship without drama is much, much better than one with drama.
According to his OP he's in his early 30s and has found himself to be unsuccessful at dating.
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Old 09-06-2013, 12:21 AM
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Why would you move back in with her!!!

Find someone else to transfer the lease to and get out!!!
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Old 09-06-2013, 01:38 AM
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See you soon on Judge Judy....
  #30  
Old 09-07-2013, 12:09 AM
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According to his OP he's in his early 30s and has found himself to be unsuccessful at dating.
Oh yes, you're right. I forgot about that part of it.
  #31  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:02 AM
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update to my situation. We have been back living together for the 2 last months or so. It has gone pretty much as expected. She has been dating/hooking up with some dude for the last month. He lives out of town and spends 1 or 2 nights a week here. For the most part as soon as he comes over i just head right to my bedroom and drink some nyquil and go to sleep and hope hes gone by time i wake up.
After a few weeks of this she called me out on it and says that ive been passive aggressive towards her and it seems to happen only when he comes over and that i should get over it because it makes her feel bad/guilty about me spending so much time in my room and how she noticed it back when we lived together before although we never really talked about it back then.
We didnt really come to any comprimise but i told her that i didnt want to hang out with her and him eye fucking each other and im new to this city and havent made many friends yet and dont really have anywhere to go when he comes over.
Anyway i knew from the get go that this dude she is seeing had a girl in his life that was pregnant. i didnt really know what the status was but i assumed that they werent together but he was going to still be part of her and her childs life. Now i have found out from over hearing one of their phone calls. (I wasnt eavesdropping, I was just watching tv while my roomate was talking to him on phone.) I seems that him and this 8 month pregnent girl are actually a couple and this girl has no idea that he is banging my roommate.
Now i honestly dont care about this. Pregnency/cheating any of it really. I dont judge and i have my own life to care about.
However i do have information that can hurt my roomate and this dude. With facebook and some internet searching i could probably blow up this whole situation and never be found out. It wont really benefit me much in the long run but i still have this desire to do it.

thoughts lol
  #32  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:21 AM
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Holy shit! Do I ever wish this was the Pit! Muzzled by the heavy hand of MPSIMS!! AHHHH!
  #33  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:30 AM
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I'm all for some well-deserved revenge, but this girl didn't do anything to you! Do you realize that? Trying to get revenge on someone who hasn't wronged you in any way is psycho.
  #34  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:40 AM
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This girl meaning my roomate or the pregenant girl. It doesnt really hurt my roomy much other then the fact that she might be exposed as a homewrecker. I dont get the impression she expects much of a future with this guy. As for the pregenant girl i honestly dont know a thing about her. I feel bad for i guess that she's knocked up by some dude who cheats when she is at her most vunerable.
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Old 10-22-2013, 02:40 AM
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Frankly I'm surprised the girl (your crush) hasn't figured this out yet! It's a prerequisite of dating for girls to scour Facebook, his favorite websites, his phone, his wallet, etc.

On the other hand, she only sees him a couple times a week, no? So she still might be in the hazy, in the clouds point of the hookup.

God, with my old crush I would've found a way to drop the bomb of info on her. I'd wait for her to mention him and ask what his kid's name is. But, no, don't do that. She will figure it out on her own VERY soon.

Problem is, you're digging two possible holes right now. If you tell her about it, she'll hold it against you and think you're possessive and a control freak. If you DON'T tell her, and she finds out you knew, you'll hear a different type shitstorm, but a shitstorm nonetheless.

One question comes to mind: You say you don't care about the cheating/pregnancy thing and you don't judge. But how do you feel knowing this cheating douche with a critter on the way is boinking the girl you love?
  #36  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:54 AM
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Now i honestly dont care about this. Pregnency/cheating any of it really. I dont judge and i have my own life to care about.
Quote:
As for the pregenant girl i honestly dont know a thing about her. I feel bad for i guess that she's knocked up by some dude who cheats when she is at her most vunerable.
And:
Quote:
However i do have information that can hurt my roomate and this dude.
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It doesnt really hurt my roomy much other then the fact that she might be exposed as a homewrecker.
Contradict yourself much?

Don't give in to your psycho jealous impulses. The only one in this situation who can rightfully get revenge, when she finds out, is the pregnant woman.

Last edited by Blackberry; 10-22-2013 at 02:55 AM.
  #37  
Old 10-22-2013, 02:56 AM
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Sorry if i didnt make it clear it my post. My roomate knows this guy has a pregnent girlfriend. The day i first met him she told me. It through me for a loop at first. Since he had a baby on the way i figured he was just hanging out as a friend. When he started spending the nights i found out that my roomate didnt bring him over to just "hang out".
My roomy has a thing for guys with girlfriends that goes back to when i lived with her previous. This would be the first guy with a child though
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Old 10-22-2013, 03:02 AM
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Sorry if i didnt make it clear it my post. My roomate knows this guy has a pregnent girlfriend. The day i first met him she told me. It through me for a loop at first. Since he had a baby on the way i figured he was just hanging out as a friend. When he started spending the nights i found out that my roomate didnt bring him over to just "hang out".
My roomy has a thing for guys with girlfriends that goes back to when i lived with her previous. This would be the first guy with a child though
DOH! My mistake. I see now.

That's another thing. My old crush INSISTED on dating wanna-be alpha males who always had a girlfriend someplace else. Some with kids too. I've learned that usually leans towards her claims of low self-esteem. This from a girl who always had the most Valentines and largest number of interested boys since 2nd grade.
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Old 10-22-2013, 04:08 AM
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You put girls on pedestals. You need to be honest about what she is and that there's many more like her out there. In fact, there's many more better than her out there. You've been obsessing about her for what, more than a year now? How many girls could you tear through in that time?
  #40  
Old 10-22-2013, 04:08 AM
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My roomy has a thing for guys with girlfriends that goes back to when i lived with her previous. This would be the first guy with a child though
She seems like an exceedingly unpleasant person who, if you ever actually landed her, would cheat on you and make your life miserable.

I mean, you know what she's like. Why would she be a different person if she were your girlfriend?
  #41  
Old 10-22-2013, 08:20 AM
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Now i honestly dont care about this. Pregnency/cheating any of it really. I dont judge and i have my own life to care about.
Umm...
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Old 10-22-2013, 08:35 AM
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I'm not sure if the OP is looking for an actual relationship with this girl, or just wants to fuck her.
  #43  
Old 10-22-2013, 08:38 AM
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CMG it would probably help you to learn up on what's going on here. Depending on who you talk to you are an intellectual whore...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...ectual%20whore

...an orbiter...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiters

...and maybe a cuddle bitch...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...cuddle%20bitch

with a bad case of oneititis:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oneitis

Sounds like you are waterboarding yourself so absolutely you should move out, and date others. If you can do that in a cool/alpha way it might make her jealous and is your best chance at landing her too. Basically people want what they can't have, so you probably need to turn that around.
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:17 AM
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Thanks for this one. I was wondering if there was a term for the phenomenon, as it's so common in fiction, especially YA, where all the insanely attractive males wade-thru tons of available chicks - and not a little bullshit - to get one (supposedly) special girl. I somehow wound up reading "She Can Run" and apparently there wasn't another attractive woman within three states of the protagonist - every male character was obsessed with getting in her pants.
  #45  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by epbrown01 View Post
Thanks for this one. I was wondering if there was a term for the phenomenon, as it's so common in fiction, especially YA...
And just about every romantic comedy film. And none of them gets the psychology of dating right, except maybe the "The Tao of Steve." The OP should probably watch that one.
  #46  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CMG View Post
If i came across like im a victim I dont feel that way at all. Ill take complete owner ship of my misery. She has never for a second led me on. The thing is i know objectively that we wont get togther and im fine if with it for the most part. Its just the emotional stuff that is driving me crazy. I've never really been emotional about most things in my life but this is out of the blue. Is it posible for the emotional and rational part of your brain to communicate.
Dude, just lay your cards on the table, ask her out, and if she says no, get out cold turkey.
  #47  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Kable View Post
And just about every romantic comedy film. And none of them gets the psychology of dating right, except maybe the "The Tao of Steve." The OP should probably watch that one.
The OP is beyond hope, and has been since he moved to a new city to be with someone that finds him repulsive. He went over the edge a while ago, and these posts are just his final thoughts before the splat. That's figurative - this is all mostly fantasy I suspect.
  #48  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fjs1fs View Post
Dude, just lay your cards on the table, ask her out, and if she says no, get out cold turkey.
Asked and answered. We're well beyond that stage.
  #49  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:38 PM
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However i do have information that can hurt my roomate and this dude. With facebook and some internet searching i could probably blow up this whole situation and never be found out.

thoughts lol
This sounds like a very good idea. Do it!
  #50  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:45 PM
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The OP should extricate himself from this situation, move far away, and cut off all contact with his ex-roommate. No good will come from staying in it. Your life will only get worse unless you make a big change.
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