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  #1  
Old 09-17-2011, 12:00 AM
elfkin477 elfkin477 is offline
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Nominate the stupidest character in a commercial

Character in the loose sense, given that most of the idiots in commercials are probably not as stupid as they're scripted to sound. I hope.

I used to think that it'd be impossible to top the stupidity of the person who, in her 50s, learned that asthma comes back, but I was wrong. Someone is dumber. The woman of approximately the same age in a Lyrica commercial that just now learned that we have nerves is way dumber. I don't understand, are we supposed to feel empathy for someone this stupid? She's not everywoman, your average 6th grader can tell you how nerves work in pretty good detail...

Anyway, what commercials do you nominate for topping that stupidity? I'm sure you've already got one in mind.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:27 AM
Don Draper Don Draper is offline
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My vote goes to the guy from the cereal commercial who is standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night, wishing it were morning so that he can eat his cereal. Then he abruptly leaves his house, gets on a plane to freakin' China, takes a shuttle out to the ocean, all so he can see the sun rise...thereby meaning it is morning and that he can eat his cereal.

Sure, I know it's supposed to be farcical, but I can't even pay attention to what brand of cereal it's for - all I can think is that the time spent geting all the way around the world would certainly be longer than one single night. He could've just waited at his house, and day would break at his own home faster than it took him to find the dawn. Or, better yet, the dude could've just eaten his bowl of cereal at night!! Who the hell is gonna stop him?

Just makes me mad.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:29 AM
Cuckoorex Cuckoorex is offline
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The "I learned that we have nerves" woman was the one I was coming in to nominate. But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:38 AM
Nobody Nobody is offline
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The guys in two commercials who, when offered Bayer aspirin for their pounding headaches turn it away at first because, "I'm not having a heart attack." And then seem surprised that Bayer is for headaches too.
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:45 AM
PlainJain PlainJain is offline
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The winner has got to be the father who is looking for the cord to access the internet. His daughter tell him the cord is invisible - a concept he has trouble wrapping his head around.

"Our invisible cord is really long!"


.

Last edited by PlainJain; 09-17-2011 at 12:49 AM.
  #6  
Old 09-17-2011, 03:20 AM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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There was one several years ago for a window company. Two women are indoors; one is admiring the other's new windows. Through the window we see the clueless husband trying to light a barbecue grill. He manages to turn the backyard into a smoking crater.

Another had a man in a drugstore trying to choose a cough medicine, but apparently overwhelmed by the number of options. A chimpanzee comes in and picks the sponsor's brand of cough syrup.

One person who has not mastered fire, and another who's dumber than a chimp. One of those ought to win the thread.
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Old 09-17-2011, 04:48 AM
planetcory planetcory is offline
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The winner has got to be the father who is looking for the cord to access the internet. His daughter tell him the cord is invisible - a concept he has trouble wrapping his head around.

"Our invisible cord is really long!"


.
I second this nomination. It's what I came to post. Without question the dumbest dumb Dad in TV commercial history.
  #8  
Old 09-17-2011, 10:49 AM
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The wife in an ad for some cell phone company. Husband comes in to the greenhouse where she's futzing with her orchids, tells her he just signed the whole family up for unlimited messaging or some such. She goes on a rant about how can we afford that, and I should have married the other guy.

Shut up, bitch. You've been with this guy long enough to have kids and obviously are wealthy enough to have a greenhouse and fucking orchids.
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:58 AM
marshmallow marshmallow is offline
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But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
This is always the highlight of an infomercial, when they say 'are you tired of doing <insert simple task a 6 year old can do>?' Then they show an 8 second clip of people catastrophically failing to slice bread or put food in a plastic container or something.

Last edited by marshmallow; 09-17-2011 at 10:58 AM.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:12 AM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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A commercial some years ago for prescription arthritis pills. Shows some particularly dumb looking middle-aged woman, at a splendid beach house, stumbling along the serene shoreline absolutely dumb-founded and flummoxed by the bad news from her doctor: she has arthritis, or rheumatiz, or at least the beginnings of it. She looks exactly as you would imagine a woman who has been told she has three months to live would look - staggeringly distraught and upset. I felt like saying: hey, dumbass! You're 60, did you think you were going to keep your limber trophy-wife carcass forever?? You are going to be able to take the miracle arthritis pill. You are filthy rich and can afford said pills. You don't have a friggin' death sentence hanging over your head, get that woe-is-me-look off your stupid face. You'll be able to do the fox-trot at the country club at Christmas with ease, you don't have raging cancer! Idiot!
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:15 AM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Can I nominate the Geico caveman? He's been pwned so many times now that it isn't funny, but he never suspects something is up in each new installment.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:34 AM
enalzi enalzi is offline
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Also came in to nominate the woman who doesn't know what nerves are. I hope she gets hired for other medical commercials.

"My doctor explained to me that I have a heart, that pumps blood throughout my body."

"Did you know that everyone has a skeleton, that gives us structure?"
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:39 AM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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The whiny, emasculated, little bitch of a man who informs his wife "Fiber makes me sad."
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Old 09-17-2011, 12:38 PM
KneadToKnow KneadToKnow is offline
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Originally Posted by Paintcharge View Post
The wife in an ad for some cell phone company. Husband comes in to the greenhouse where she's futzing with her orchids, tells her he just signed the whole family up for unlimited messaging or some such. She goes on a rant about how can we afford that, and I should have married the other guy.

Shut up, bitch. You've been with this guy long enough to have kids and obviously are wealthy enough to have a greenhouse and fucking orchids.
My problem with that commercial is not that either of them is stupid, it's that, when told that the unlimited minutes came free when he signed them up for unlimited texts, she doesn't immediately ask "And how much did that cost?" because that's what someone like that would actually do.



For stupidest person in a commercial, I've got to go with the short clip of the girl in the Baggage promo on GSN who is saying, very defensively, "I'm a freak, period. So what?"

You're the one who had to go on a game show to find a date, dumbass. Chill the fuck out.
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:19 PM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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"Did you know that everyone has a skeleton, that gives us structure?"
But skeletons are scary! Are you saying there's one inside of me? Right now?

I also nominate the inept people in As Seen On TV-type commercials.
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:30 PM
Hakuna Matata Hakuna Matata is offline
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The husband-to-be on the Trojan Vibrator commerical who slaps the table and exclaims 'sweet' when his wife tells him she got 3 vibrators at the her bridial shower. WTF? I can't understand why he is that excited. I mean I can understand her excitement but what is up with that guy. Drives me crazy every time I see that commercial. Well that and the bad acting by the dumb bimbos with their hair swept back after using the vibrator.
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:35 PM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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The husband-to-be on the Trojan Vibrator commerical who slaps the table and exclaims 'sweet' when his wife tells him she got 3 vibrators at the her bridial shower. WTF? I can't understand why he is that excited. I mean I can understand her excitement but what is up with that guy...
Ever heard the expression "Priming the pump"?
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Old 09-17-2011, 02:17 PM
Eve Eve is offline
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The guys in two commercials who, when offered Bayer aspirin for their pounding headaches turn it away at first because, "I'm not having a heart attack." And then seem surprised that Bayer is for headaches too.
That was going to be my vote, too! Stupid bastard deserves to have a headache and a heart attack.
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Old 09-17-2011, 04:58 PM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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The husband-to-be on the Trojan Vibrator commerical who slaps the table and exclaims 'sweet' when his wife tells him she got 3 vibrators at the her bridial shower. WTF? I can't understand why he is that excited. I mean I can understand her excitement but what is up with that guy. Drives me crazy every time I see that commercial. Well that and the bad acting by the dumb bimbos with their hair swept back after using the vibrator.
"Three vibrators? Sweet! Think of the WORK those things are going to save me!"
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Old 09-17-2011, 05:18 PM
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That was going to be my vote, too! Stupid bastard deserves to have a headache and a heart attack.
Especially the first guy who, as I look it up, actually had back pain, not a headache, but still, when the Korean flight attendant brings him Bayer he assumes she doesn't understand English and slowly explains that it's his back, not his heart.
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Old 09-17-2011, 06:33 PM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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Actually, I can't remember the last time I ever took an aspirin for anything. Ibuprofen, Advil, Tylenol, and Excedrin have overshadowed the lowly aspirin.
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Old 09-17-2011, 07:53 PM
KneadToKnow KneadToKnow is offline
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Actually, I can't remember the last time I ever took an aspirin for anything. Ibuprofen, Advil, Tylenol, and Excedrin have overshadowed the lowly aspirin.
You're either not middle-aged or you have no family history of people dropping dead in their tracks from coronaries. Either way, mazel tov.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:16 PM
Euphonious Polemic Euphonious Polemic is offline
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Actually, I can't remember the last time I ever took an aspirin for anything. Ibuprofen, Advil, Tylenol, and Excedrin have overshadowed the lowly aspirin.
I'm just happy to chew on some willow bark when I have a headache.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:26 PM
picunurse picunurse is offline
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I know this is going to get me chased out of the thread by men with torches and pitch forks, but Flo from the Progressive Insurance is too stupid to live, she's wasting my oxygen with every breath.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:31 PM
Kobal2 Kobal2 is offline
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"Three vibrators? Sweet! Think of the WORK those things are going to save me!"
"Three vibrators ? Sweet ! That'll keep her occupied while I boink her sister !"
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:06 PM
Sage Rat Sage Rat is online now
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The guys in two commercials who, when offered Bayer aspirin for their pounding headaches turn it away at first because, "I'm not having a heart attack." And then seem surprised that Bayer is for headaches too.
I'd have to wonder if there's something preventing them from advertising it as heart medicine. What you describe sounds like a loop hole to allow them to advertise it as such, while not technically advertising it as such.
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:17 PM
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I'd have to wonder if there's something preventing them from advertising it as heart medicine. What you describe sounds like a loop hole to allow them to advertise it as such, while not technically advertising it as such.
Possible, I guess.
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I know this is going to get me chased out of the thread by men with torches and pitch forks, but Flo from the Progressive Insurance is too stupid to live, she's wasting my oxygen with every breath.
Fine. I'll take her and Erin Esurance and have the bitchiness threesome ever!
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:17 PM
OttoDaFe OttoDaFe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuckoorex View Post
But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
This is always the highlight of an infomercial, when they say 'are you tired of doing <insert simple task a 6 year old can do>?' Then they show an 8 second clip of people catastrophically failing to slice bread or put food in a plastic container or something.
My favorite example of this subspecies (emphasis on sub) was a woman in an air bed commercial who was supposedly trying to get an "old fashioned" folding bed out of a closet. Her gyrations immediately made me think of Bela Lugosi and the octopus in Bride of the Monster.
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:33 PM
enalzi enalzi is offline
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I'd have to wonder if there's something preventing them from advertising it as heart medicine. What you describe sounds like a loop hole to allow them to advertise it as such, while not technically advertising it as such.
They advertise it for heart medicine all the time. Which I suppose made them lose in the pain/headache business so hey had to advertise that as well.
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Old 09-17-2011, 09:57 PM
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That stupid girl with that stupid look on her face while she's wearing the glasses that automatically adjust for the sunlight. Also, the creepy non-blinking "doctor" who pimps for Restasis.
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:33 PM
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The twit at the bakery who argues with the sheriff-bear cake has got to be on the short list.
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Old 09-17-2011, 10:41 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is offline
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I nominate the woman that screams in terror at the picture of a spider on a cellphone, and the guy that proceeds to "kill" the spider by smashing the phone.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:38 PM
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The husband-to-be on the Trojan Vibrator commerical who slaps the table and exclaims 'sweet' when his wife tells him she got 3 vibrators at the her bridial shower. WTF? I can't understand why he is that excited.
Once again, I am amazed by the provincial sex lives of heterosexuals.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:49 PM
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Once again, I am amazed by the provincial sex lives of heterosexuals.
Actually, I assumed the husband was not in that category, which was why he was relieved to be exempted from ever having to touch his wife again.
  #35  
Old 09-18-2011, 12:11 AM
Horatio Hellpop Horatio Hellpop is offline
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I recently saw Wile E. Coyote in what I think was a cell phone ad. CGI'd to the max! Anyway, no Rhodes scholar, he.
  #36  
Old 09-18-2011, 12:12 AM
Lynn Bodoni Lynn Bodoni is offline
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I'm heterosexual, and my guess would have been that the husband thought that he'd get to use at least one of the vibrators on himself, either during sex with his new bride or instead of it.

I want to bitch slap Flo. And generally I only hear her on the radio. I can't stand that level of chirpiness. I've seen a couple of her commercials, though, and I gotta say that I was under the impression that you're only supposed to use one Bump It at a time.

As for Snuggies, I find that if I wear my bathrobe backwards, it does a fine job of keeping me warm, including my arms. But then, I've also been able to cover myself up with a regular blanket and managed to use my arms. Or I wear a long sleeved fleece nightgown.
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:36 AM
Meyer6 Meyer6 is offline
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The whiny, emasculated, little bitch of a man who informs his wife "Fiber makes me sad."
What gets me about this guy is that he doesn't seem to know the difference between a granola bar and a candy bar. Has he never encountered a granola bar before?
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:09 AM
picunurse picunurse is offline
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Oh, and there's "Jerry" with his car up a pole..again, who changed insurance companies, but calls his old agent because she answers the phone faster. What does he think she's going to do for him?
  #39  
Old 09-18-2011, 02:20 AM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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Oh, and there's "Jerry" with his car up a pole..again, who changed insurance companies, but calls his old agent because she answers the phone faster. What does he think she's going to do for him?
That's one of those commercials that doesn't make sense. She knows the guy by name and says "is your car up a pole again?" That's the kind of customer that an insurance company should be thrilled to be rid of.

There's one for Quaker State motor oil (I think) that says something like "we have such confidence in our oil, if your car makes it to 250,000 miles we'll write you a check for the value of your car." That doesn't make sense. They're banking that the cars won't last. If you have confidence in your oil, put your money where your mouth is. Offer me a money if my engine fails while using your oil.
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Old 09-18-2011, 03:29 AM
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There's one for Quaker State motor oil (I think) that says something like "we have such confidence in our oil, if your car makes it to 250,000 miles we'll write you a check for the value of your car."
The following conditions apply
  1. The car must start out as brand new with 0 miles on it.
  2. You must reach 250,000 miles with no oil changes after purchasing the car.
  3. It must be a car. Not a truck, van, Jeep, SUV, or any other type of vehicle.
  #41  
Old 09-18-2011, 03:44 AM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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  1. The car must start out as brand new with 0 miles on it.
Is there such a thing? When I bought my new car, there were 50 miles or so on the clock. Just rolling it on and off the carrier to deliver it the dealership is going to put on a few tenths.

But my basic point still stands. As restrictive as those rules are, it could be done. Maybe the Quaker State guys know that their oil is such crap that even if you jump through all the hoops, you still have no chance. If they had faith in their product, they'd promise you'll make it, and stake their money if you didn't.
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Old 09-18-2011, 04:22 AM
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Is there such a thing? When I bought my new car, there were 50 miles or so on the clock. Just rolling it on and off the carrier to deliver it the dealership is going to put on a few tenths.

But my basic point still stands. As restrictive as those rules are, it could be done. Maybe the Quaker State guys know that their oil is such crap that even if you jump through all the hoops, you still have no chance. If they had faith in their product, they'd promise you'll make it, and stake their money if you didn't.
I guess I should have put a smiley at the end to show that I was joking.
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Old 09-18-2011, 07:35 AM
Sally Mander Sally Mander is offline
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But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
I'll second this, and specifically nominate the women who can't wrap their hair up in a towel after showering, and need some specially-designed towel to do it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by salinqmind View Post
Actually, I can't remember the last time I ever took an aspirin for anything. Ibuprofen, Advil, Tylenol, and Excedrin have overshadowed the lowly aspirin.
Slight highjack, but Excedrin is aspirin. It also contains acetaminophen (which is the active ingredient in Tylenol) and caffeine, but it has aspirin, too.
  #44  
Old 09-18-2011, 10:14 AM
Lacunae Matata Lacunae Matata is offline
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The "I learned that we have nerves" woman was the one I was coming in to nominate. But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
I love the commercial for the egg cracking device, which features folks smashing eggs all over the kitchen counters, range, etc. Talk about a solution in search of a problem!
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:06 AM
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The "I learned that we have nerves" woman was the one I was coming in to nominate. But I'll also nominate, collectively, the idiots that cannot seem to do something so simple as straining cooked pasta without scalding themselves or using a blanket while watching TV without getting into a tangled mess unless they have some specialty device to do it for them.
yeah, how about that guy who couldn't even open a milk carton without spilling it all over himself!
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Old 09-18-2011, 11:56 AM
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The following conditions apply
  1. The car must start out as brand new with 0 miles on it.
  2. You must reach 250,000 miles with no oil changes after purchasing the car.
  3. It must be a car. Not a truck, van, Jeep, SUV, or any other type of vehicle.
Also states they will pay the Kelly blue book value for your car, If you take the government mileage average the car will be 21 years old with 250000 miles!
  #47  
Old 09-18-2011, 01:28 PM
Justin_Bailey Justin_Bailey is offline
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Also, the creepy non-blinking "doctor" who pimps for Restasis.
She's apparently a real doctor (at least, that's what the disclaimer at the bottom of the screen says). The non-blinking is still creepy as all get out though.
  #48  
Old 09-18-2011, 02:00 PM
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What about the dumbass who can't use a flashlight without falling out of the row boat? Dude, who goes fishing in the dead of night, without a camping lantern? That's for that stupid hat with the lights on the brim. When I was a kid, I would have laughed at people wearing that. (I still would, just not in their face)

Or the idiots who are struggling to reach up and water their plants. Hello, it's called a stepping stool. Use it!


(The people in the cooking device commercials shouldn't even be allowed anywhere near a kitchen)


"As Seen On TV" commercials are the best ones for Darwin-Awards-To-Be.
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:13 PM
ThelmaLou ThelmaLou is offline
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I nominate the "Nationwide is on your side" dufus with his backpack, shadow puppets, and mannequin-like facial expression.

Some of these may be perfectly reasonable products that I will now not be caught DEAD purchasing or supporting because of the stupid commercials!

(I have to say I do like the credit-card-carrying Vikings, and the woman who taught her dog Mr. Butters and her cockatiel to sing the hits of the 80's.)
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Old 09-18-2011, 02:50 PM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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Originally Posted by Son of a Rich View Post
The twit at the bakery who argues with the sheriff-bear cake has got to be on the short list.
In an odd way, the actress in that commercial has a sort of sway over me (she's not particularly attractive, but I guess that I really like her voice or something) as every time I see the ad, I really, REALLY want a little taste of something sweet....

(and I am NOT talking about cake or yogurt)
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