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  #7551  
Old 04-01-2019, 08:06 AM
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You lucky bastard!
  #7552  
Old 04-04-2019, 09:59 PM
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Hungarians let off steam in 'silly walk' parade; no word yet on whether their hovercraft are full eels: https://uk.reuters.com/article/uk-hu...-idUKKCN1RD30T
  #7553  
Old 04-05-2019, 07:51 AM
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We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally more irritating
  #7554  
Old 04-05-2019, 10:19 AM
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So he has, he's scarpered!
  #7555  
Old 04-05-2019, 12:51 PM
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Typical bleeding Rhondda, isn't it. You think you're so bloody clever.
  #7556  
Old 04-05-2019, 01:11 PM
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It's pronounced 'Throat Warbler Mangrove'
  #7557  
Old 04-06-2019, 12:32 AM
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Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.
  #7558  
Old 04-06-2019, 04:43 PM
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I don't care who bloody started it. What's it about?
  #7559  
Old 04-06-2019, 10:23 PM
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Doris Day's a comedienne, not a newsreader. Get out!
  #7560  
Old 04-08-2019, 07:32 AM
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father: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
son: What, the curtains?
  #7561  
Old 04-08-2019, 08:23 AM
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We'll have none of your imperialist tidbits.
  #7562  
Old 04-08-2019, 10:44 AM
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A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind.
  #7563  
Old 04-08-2019, 12:20 PM
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Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a Prime Minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer. But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.
  #7564  
Old 04-08-2019, 10:50 PM
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 Oh, a gahp. A gahp in one's hhhhhoop. Pardon me, but I'm off to play the grand piano.

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  #7565  
Old 04-08-2019, 11:41 PM
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Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast... no, on second thought, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.
  #7566  
Old 04-09-2019, 04:12 AM
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DON'T CALL ME SE—OR! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr. Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but NEVER SE—OR!
  #7567  
Old 04-09-2019, 08:46 AM
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Bonsoir - ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-franÁais ... maintenant ... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tÍte, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.
  #7568  
Old 04-09-2019, 09:14 AM
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And the crowd are rising to him there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel, Nigel has woken the neighbour - my God, this is exciting! Nigel's got very excited and he's going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no, this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the waiter and he's forgotten.
  #7569  
Old 04-16-2019, 02:41 PM
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Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number - 'a naughty Humphrey' - breaks the ice at parties. Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits. Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Frighten the elderly - real snakes. Comedy hernia kit. Plastic flesh wounds - just keep your friends in stitches. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight' - empty it into their beds - real skunk juice. They won't forget their wedding night. Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Amuse your friends - CS gas canisters - smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing - can blind, maim or kill. Or for drinks, why not buy a 'wicked willy' with a life-size winkle - serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. Hours of amusement. Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests - completely authentic sound. Or why not try a new 'naughty nightie' - put it on and it melts - just watch their faces. Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. Go on, go on.
  #7570  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:35 PM
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Now, Bruce teaches classical philosophy, Bruce teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.
  #7571  
Old 04-17-2019, 07:37 AM
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'To Ma Own beloved Lassie. A poem on her 17th Birthday. Lend us a couple of bob till Thursday. I'm absolutely skint. But I'm expecting a postal order and I can pay you back as soon as it comes. Love Ewan.'
  #7572  
Old 04-17-2019, 08:17 AM
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He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes. (The twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer) Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith. (Shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman) And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There's Vivian I think, no, Vivian's lost his keys, no, there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbour now.
  #7573  
Old 04-21-2019, 12:31 AM
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We are here today to wimess the opening of a new Box to replace the Box which used to stand at the corner of Ulverston Road and Sandwood Crescent.

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  #7574  
Old 05-06-2019, 11:30 AM
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You see! There ought to be a safety catch on it, I mean ... ohhhh! I mean, what if this fell into the wrong hands?
  #7575  
Old 05-06-2019, 04:06 PM
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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our four...no... amongst our weapons.... amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
  #7576  
Old 05-07-2019, 11:51 AM
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And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
  #7577  
Old 05-08-2019, 12:25 PM
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So Miss Johnson returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams, unaware as she was of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Johnson was about to fall victim of the dreaded international Chinese Communist Conspiracy.
  #7578  
Old 05-08-2019, 01:55 PM
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Anybody else feel like a little giggle?
  #7579  
Old 05-09-2019, 08:05 AM
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Our sales would plummet!

Regards,
Shodan
  #7580  
Old 05-10-2019, 11:14 AM
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I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminium frame. I'll throw that in and a fiver, for the briefcase and the umbrella ... no, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a fiver and a pair of ex-German U-boat commander's binoculars.
  #7581  
Old 05-19-2019, 05:03 AM
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It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
  #7582  
Old 05-19-2019, 09:52 AM
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Monty Python's Contractual Obligation Album
  #7583  
Old 05-19-2019, 04:16 PM
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Live! from The Classic (Silbury Hill).
  #7584  
Old 05-20-2019, 07:48 AM
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Right, cut to me. As Officer Commanding the Regular Army's Advertising Division, I object, in the strongest possible terms to this obvious reference to our own slogan 'It's a dog's life... a man's life in the modern army' and I warn this programme that any recurrence of this sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarism will be dealt with most severely. Right, now on the command 'cut', the camera will cut to camera two, all right, director...
  #7585  
Old 05-20-2019, 08:41 AM
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We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.
  #7586  
Old 06-01-2019, 01:12 AM
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But soon this quiet pattern of life was to change irrevocably. The commonplace routine of a typical Monday morning would never be the same again, for into this quiet little community came ... Mr Neutron!
  #7587  
Old 06-07-2019, 09:04 PM
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To Ma Own beloved Lassie. A poem on her 17th Birthday: "Lend us a couple of bob till Thursday. I'm absolutely skint. But I'm expecting a postal order and I can pay you back as soon as it comes." Love, Ewan.
  #7588  
Old 06-08-2019, 08:59 AM
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For Ralph Melish, this was not to be the start of any trail of events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither a tangled knot of suspicion nor any web of lies, which would, had he been not uninvolved, surely have led to no other place than the central criminal court of the Old Bailey.
  #7589  
Old 06-08-2019, 10:04 PM
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If you could see your way to lending me sixpence, I could at least buy a newspaper. That's not much to ask anyone.
  #7590  
Old 06-12-2019, 08:03 AM
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Scarsdale? Say no more! Say no more, Squire!
  #7591  
Old 06-15-2019, 09:05 AM
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I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
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