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Old 06-02-2019, 11:22 AM
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Two and a Half Men has some brilliant punchlines


I only recently started watching Two and a Half Men. It's no All in the Family or Barney Miller, but it is better than most sitcoms. What I've noticed, though, is how dang funny some of the lines are. A couple, in particular, had me convulsing in laughter:

(note that this is from memory, so strict accuracy may be spotty)

Charlie is talking to Jake, who seems down. Charlie suspects it has something to do with Jake's mom recently announcing she is re-marrying.

Charlie: Is it about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: This has nothing to do with puberty!

And, in another episode, Alan has a new girlfriend and is concerned about her behavior, which is borderline stalking. They are lying in bed together, immediately after sex.

Alan: I think we need to talk about setting some boundaries.
Girl: Oh, for God's sake, Alan, it was just my little finger!

I dunno, maybe I was just in a loopy mood. But these lines did me in.


mmm
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Old 06-02-2019, 11:32 AM
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I think Berta gets some of the best lines - she cracks me up. Kandi gets some good ones, too.

We've been watching the reruns forever, and we know when the lines are coming, and we're still tickled every time. For a cheesy, low-brow sitcom, it generates some serious laughs.
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Old 06-02-2019, 12:34 PM
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Nothing can beat the Halloween episode one year, when Charlie takes up with a witch and Evelyn shows up dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West. The whole episode is hilarious.
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Old 06-02-2019, 07:28 PM
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I just checked, there are 262 episodes. I have seen maybe 20 of them. Lots more viewing to come.

I think I will bypass the Ashton Kutcher ones though.


mmm
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Old 06-02-2019, 07:33 PM
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Good idea. The earlier episodes were the best ones, IMO. You can generally skip any episode involving Mia, but religiously watch any with Herb.
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Old 06-02-2019, 08:19 PM
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Since retirement, Mr. Salinqmind has discovered this show, which is on at least 8 hours a day. He doesn't like commercials but I tell him to suck it up, what else does he have to do? He doesn't like the later Ashton Kutcher ones. The earlier episodes and the ones with Berta are, indeed, hilarious. At the end of the run, the writers hit rock bottom and were trying too hard.
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Old 06-03-2019, 03:23 AM
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In Toronto, I get this every weeknight from 23:00 to midnight (right after Seinfeld). I must have sat through all of the Charlie Sheen episodes at least a dozen times in the last few years. I might watch something else if anything better is on (like a documentary on science or history), but I keep coming back to it.

I love it when Alan tries to lie to someone (usually a hot babe) and Charlie will do everything he can to trip him up. Once, when Judith and Herb had separated, he tried to keep it a secret that he was banging his ex-wife again. After Judith had given him a BJ under the dining room table, Charlie asked (in front of Herb) if he had ever read the book Under the Table by Richard Gobbler.
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Old 06-03-2019, 03:29 AM
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The earlier episodes and the ones with Berta are, indeed, hilarious. At the end of the run, the writers hit rock bottom and were trying too hard.
Though the scene in the final episode where Ahrnold was the detective investigating Charlie's "resurrection" had me in stitches:

"You say this has been going on for eleven years? Isn't that a bit much?"

"Well, yeah, a lot of people think so too."

Absolutely priceless!
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Old 06-03-2019, 04:51 AM
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Rose has one of my all-time favorite sitcom lines: "The Germans refer to it as schadenfreude, but here in America, we just say, 'Ha-ha!' "

(Pretty sure the writers were making a Simpsons reference, too.)

There's a car sequence where they're all driving together, and Evelyn is just *hammered* in the backseat. She keeps piping up to ask for "a drinky-poo" and it eventually becomes her answer to every question.

"What should we buy at the mall?"
"I know! A drinky-poo!"

It's fun to do this IRL see how long you can keep up the single response.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:23 AM
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To me without a doubt the funniest thing about it was Rose. She just stole every moment on screen, and the episodes when she in effect kidnapped Charlie and held him in a heroin coma, and everybody was fine with it, was among the best in the show.

The mum was good too, but struck me as a similar turn the mum in Arrested Development/Archer.

Berta, well, she had some good lines, but throwaway.

Last edited by Smid; 06-03-2019 at 05:23 AM.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:26 AM
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Rose, Rose, Rose, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

She can superglue my testicles to my legs any time she wants.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:48 AM
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To me without a doubt the funniest thing about it was Rose. She just stole every moment on screen, and the episodes when she in effect kidnapped Charlie and held him in a heroin coma, and everybody was fine with it, was among the best in the show.
I think it was codeine, not heroin, but what the hell! It was indeed hilarious!
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Old 06-03-2019, 06:00 AM
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[Charlie and Jake are seated at the breakfast table; Berta is puttering around the kitchen.]

JAKE: Uncle Charlie, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

[Charlie and Berta can't wait to hear the answer to this one.]

CHARLIE: I don't know. Where?

JAKE:
IHOP. Get it? [Bounces his index finger along the kitchen table.] IHOP!

[Charlie takes a second before responding.]

CHARLIE: Hey, gives whole new meaning to "tipping the waitress."
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Old 06-03-2019, 06:00 AM
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Anyone else share my love for Jake?


Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And?
Jake: I was really surprised.


mmm

Last edited by Mean Mr. Mustard; 06-03-2019 at 06:01 AM.
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Old 06-03-2019, 06:27 AM
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I think it was codeine, not heroin, but what the hell! It was indeed hilarious!
Ah yes, I was never quite clear on what it was, I assumed it was one of those opioid pills they always had patients asking for in ER.
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Old 06-03-2019, 06:48 AM
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Charlie: Is it about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: This has nothing to do with puberty!
I'm sure I'm going to kick myself when I hear the explanation, but I don't get it. I assume "upcoming nuptials" is supposed evoke something that sounds like something related to "puberty," but my brain just isn't working. I know explaining a joke kills it, but this one is bugging me.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:51 AM
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I'm sure I'm going to kick myself when I hear the explanation, but I don't get it. I assume "upcoming nuptials" is supposed evoke something that sounds like something related to "puberty," but my brain just isn't working. I know explaining a joke kills it, but this one is bugging me.
Twelve-year-old Jake clearly has no clue as to what "nuptuals" are, but to him it sounds dirty, possibly because it sounds like "nipples" and the implication that it can "come up," i.e., rise or get erect. In other words, it has to do with his sexual development as he hits puberty.

Very typical Jake humor. To him, everything is a dirty joke.
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Last edited by terentii; 06-03-2019 at 07:52 AM.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:59 AM
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And just to be clear, IHOP is the International House of Pancakes, a nationwide chain of restaurants. Three guesses as to what they serve there.

This is Hooters:

http://www.hooters.ca/

Because, you know, owls go "Hoot, hoot!"
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:08 AM
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Not a fan of the show, but...


The episode with Martin Sheen as the father of Charlie's latest hookup. Upon finding out that neither Charlie nor the girl have the faintest clue what each other's names are, Holland Taylor (Charlie's mother) turns to Sheen, and asks, "Are you as proud of yours as I am of mine?"
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:08 AM
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I used to watch quite a bit, until the whole Charlie Sheen meltdown in real life. I was never a big fan of Ashton Kutcher to begin with, and thought the show had pretty much run it's course by then, so I never saw much of the later shows.

Speaking of Herb, one of my favorite scenes is when Charlie goes with Alan over to Judith's, and Herb is out working in the garden. Charlie keeps asking him lots of double entendre sex/gardening questions, like whether he prefers a trimmed bush or let it grow naturally. Herb never catches on.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:15 AM
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Jake, gazing upwards while riding with Charlie on his way to trading in the car: "Is that a footprint?"

They are awful, misogynist people on that show and I'm ashamed for liking so many of the jokes.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:17 AM
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Speaking of Herb, one of my favorite scenes is when Charlie goes with Alan over to Judith's, and Herb is out working in the garden. Charlie keeps asking him lots of double entendre sex/gardening questions, like whether he prefers a trimmed bush or let it grow naturally. Herb never catches on.
... And instead of bending over or kneeling down to plant his seeds in the ground, he spits them out into the plowed earth.

Not at all suggestive of anything. Oh, no.
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Last edited by Chronos; 06-03-2019 at 02:59 PM. Reason: Fixed... a typo, I guess?
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:18 AM
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Not a fan of the show, but...


The episode with Martin Sheen as the father of Charlie's latest hookup. Upon finding out that neither Charlie nor the girl have the faintest clue what each other's names are, Holland Taylor (Charlie's mother) turns to Sheen, and asks, "Are you as proud of yours as I am of mine?"
I thought Martin Sheen played Rose's father, who started dating Evelyn. And it turned out he was just as stalkery and crazy as his daughter.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:19 AM
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Nothing beats that scene in "Old Fame With A New Wick" with Alan, Charlie and Berta watching Evelyn and Bill (nee Jill) on the terrace. No dialogue, but their expressions are priceless. And Berta's line "This one makes them gay and this one makes them guy."
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:19 AM
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Jake, gazing upwards while riding with Charlie on his way to trading in the car: "Is that a footprint?"

They are awful, misogynist people on that show and I'm ashamed for liking so many of the jokes.
If Charlie weren't a misogynistic pig, there would be no humor in it all. Not all comedy is uplifting or inspiring.

Come to think of it, it almost never is....
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:25 AM
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The episode with Martin Sheen as the father of Charlie's latest hookup. Upon finding out that neither Charlie nor the girl have the faintest clue what each other's names are, Holland Taylor (Charlie's mother) turns to Sheen, and asks, "Are you as proud of yours as I am of mine?"
I think that's the one where Evelyn was going to marry another guy (don't remember who offhand), but it fell through when it became clear Charlie had banged and then dumped his daughter, as he was wont to do.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:28 AM
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Charlie's old flame shows up and is now a transman, played by Chris O'Donnell:

ALAN: Who's that? Poker buddy?
CHARLIE: I used to.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:35 AM
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Nothing beats that scene in "Old Fame With A New Wick" with Alan, Charlie and Berta watching Evelyn and Bill (nee Jill) on the terrace. No dialogue, but their expressions are priceless. And Berta's line "This one makes them gay and this one makes them guy."
Quote:
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Charlie's old flame shows up and is now a transman, played by Chris O'Donnell:

ALAN: Who's that? Poker buddy?
CHARLIE: I used to.
That's the same episode, and Evelyn has a one-night stand with Bill. When Berta finds out, she tells Charlie "If you let me tell her, I'll work free for a year."
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:36 AM
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JAKE: Why do men lie to women?

CHARLIE: We lie to them because we love them and want to protect them.
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Last edited by terentii; 06-03-2019 at 08:39 AM.
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:32 AM
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Spaking of Herb, one of my favorite scenes is when Charlie goes with Alan over to Judith's, and Herb is out working in the garden. Charlie keeps asking him lots of double entendre sex/gardening questions, like whether he prefers a trimmed bush or let it grow naturally. Herb never catches on.
Herb Melnick portrayed by Ryan Stiles. Nobody is better than playing laid back better.

I think that Chuck Lorre realized if he could have Charlie Sheen play himself with the best supporting cast ever, he'd have a hit. And he was right.
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:34 AM
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I also enjoy the Season 4 episode "Walnuts and Demerol," where Charlie is about to boink what might be his sister.



Dorothy: It's not like we couldn't expect this, given that your son has spent his adult life humping his way through the Los Angeles adult population!

Evelyn: Oh, like this booze-addled tart is an innocent victim?

Gloria: Hey, I'm drunk not deaf!
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:35 AM
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Nothing can beat the Halloween episode one year, when Charlie takes up with a witch and Evelyn shows up dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West. The whole episode is hilarious.
That is one of my favorite, episodes, as well. It was a fantastically-funny show, especially for the first few seasons.
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Old 06-03-2019, 12:02 PM
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Charlie and Alan take Herb to the first porn flick he's seen in years.

HERB: Tell me: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
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Old 06-03-2019, 12:13 PM
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Walden Schmidt (Ashton Kutcher) is looking through Charlie's piano bench. He finds some sheet music, some women's underwear, a dildo, and Jake's bong.

"Songs, bongs, thongs and schlongs!" he exclaims!
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Old 06-03-2019, 12:15 PM
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There is also the episode where Charlie is dating a woman who looks like a younger version of his mom. As the two ladies are staring each other down, Berta IIRC says something like "I gotta quit coming to work high."
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Old 06-03-2019, 12:39 PM
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The episode where Evelyn borrows Charlie's car, and later he find a bra in it. He's holding the item when Alan walks in, takes the bra from Charlie, and asks whose it is:

Charlie: If I tell you, I can't untell you.
Alan: C'mon Charlie, whose bra is it?
Charlie: Who borrowed my car today
Alan (tossing bra aside): Holy mother of God.
Charlie: No, our unholy mother of Satan

Charlie put the bra in his pocket, and later Evelyn asks if he found anything in the car after she returned it. Charlie asks some dumb questions, and finally:

Evelyn: Charlie, I left a $750 bra in your car.I want it back.
Charlie takes the bra out of his packet and hands it to her).
Evelyn: Charlie, that's just sick.

Last edited by Annie-Xmas; 06-03-2019 at 12:40 PM.
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Old 06-03-2019, 02:32 PM
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My favorite was Hi, Mr Horned One

Isabella: You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.

Alan Harper: Hmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food.
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Old 06-03-2019, 03:30 PM
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There is also the episode where Charlie is dating a woman who looks like a younger version of his mom. As the two ladies are staring each other down, Berta IIRC says something like "I gotta quit coming to work high."
Earlier in that same episode

Lydia: ... I watch what I eat
Berta: Goin' in, or comin' out?
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Old 06-03-2019, 04:50 PM
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Watched a few more episodes today. I was pleasantly surprised to find one of my musical heroes (Elvis Costello) in the house, along with Sean Penn and Harry Dean Stanton.

I also like how each episode title is a line from the episode.


mmm
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Old 06-03-2019, 04:59 PM
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"Is that...?"

"Yes."

"And...?"

"Yep."

"And...?"

"He used to be."
  #41  
Old 06-04-2019, 03:53 AM
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Nothing beats that scene in "Old Fame With A New Wick" with Alan, Charlie and Berta watching Evelyn and Bill (nee Jill) on the terrace.
A close second has to be the flash-forward to the future when Judith finally brings 13-year-old Milly around to Charlie and Alan's place.

She looks exactly like Jake with long hair and a figure!
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Old 06-09-2019, 12:45 PM
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There is also the episode where Charlie is dating a woman who looks like a younger version of his mom. As the two ladies are staring each other down, Berta IIRC says something like "I gotta quit coming to work high."
From the same episode, a hilarious line from Berta I can't believe the censors let through (paraphrased): "The only difference between those two broads is, you came out of one and you're--" [before Charlie cut her off].

I'll let you fill in the blank.
  #43  
Old 06-10-2019, 08:51 AM
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My top moments...
The Halloween Episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVYleChIfaw
When all the men sit around Charlies living room and talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s6lJBLT1E8
When Charlie meets Eddie Van Halen (Two burritos and a rootbeer float!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1fYpkbq8jM
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:23 AM
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Poor Jake. Evelyn gives him a job twirling a sign on the street for her real estate company, and she and the men are in the car watching him: 'this might become his career' - (and an ice cream truck goes by, and he drops the sign and runs after it)....In another episode, Charlie says 'he's going to end up selling tube socks out of the trunk of his car' . and Alan says with a sigh, 'a business of his own!'

Last edited by salinqmind; 06-10-2019 at 10:24 AM.
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Old 06-10-2019, 10:41 AM
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When all the men sit around Charlies living room and talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s6lJBLT1E8
"Mr Roundtree."
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