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  #51  
Old 04-08-2020, 10:09 PM
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"Sociological studies show that most of them are sucked into it."

"Oh, no! Not another breathalyzer test!"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."

Last edited by terentii; 04-08-2020 at 10:12 PM.
  #52  
Old 04-08-2020, 10:09 PM
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"Sometimes I have to pick the scabs and let the pus run a little."

"You just ride it on out, soldier!"

"Ditto."
  #53  
Old 04-08-2020, 10:25 PM
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"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!"
  #54  
Old 04-08-2020, 10:30 PM
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"They're not falling for that trick again!"

"To teach their kids how to walk."

"Ze prisoners in Barracks A vill change underwear mit ze prisoners in Barracks B."

"A scout comes home from camp."

"IHOP."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #55  
Old 04-08-2020, 10:34 PM
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"Message received but garbled. Have managed to persuade two local girls, but what the hell is a panoe?"

"A three-ring circus is a collection of cunning stunts."

"A Pygmy village is a bunch of cunning runts."

"A pickpocket snatches watches."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #56  
Old 04-09-2020, 12:03 AM
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(Haven't seen another punch line thread, so sorry if any of these are repeats.)

"Fuck off, pig, I'm talking to my sheep."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need batteries for this!"

"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

"Nah," he says, "Just give me that 12 inch cocksucker up there."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that."

------------------------------------------------

"Stay the blazes home" - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
  #57  
Old 04-09-2020, 12:14 AM
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God sighed and said, "Lemme see that fucking map again."
  #58  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:30 AM
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Bob.

Matt.

Russell.

Cliff.

Art.

Eileen.

Irene (sorry, a bit racist).
  #59  
Old 04-09-2020, 06:12 AM
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"Man, if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need no talcum powder!"

"Oh, yeah: I sold your Thermos for $200."

"You see that, sir? And I'm just the doorman!"

"Ah, I see you've noticed my little white dot. You wanna fuck?"

"Well, normally I wouldn't ... but you just talked me into it."

"Bloody hell! I'm not shearin' this with anybody!"

"Skip."

"Stew."

"A 'burrito.'"

"There was a face off on the ice."

"There was a hand off in the end zone."

"He left his foot on the gas."

"A pig in a blanket."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."

Last edited by terentii; 04-09-2020 at 06:15 AM.
  #60  
Old 04-09-2020, 06:24 AM
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"The label said CONCENTRATE."

"Having a wonderful time. Where am I?"

"There's Wite-out on the screen."

"Because blond guys are dumb too."

"They're smooth and creamy and easy to spread."

"Ejection seats for helicopters."

"He's from Michigan, not Wisconsin."

"A brunette."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."

Last edited by terentii; 04-09-2020 at 06:26 AM.
  #61  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:01 AM
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"I freed the what?!?"

"Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."

Last edited by terentii; 04-09-2020 at 09:04 AM.
  #62  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:08 AM
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"Take him 'draggies.'"

"That's okay. He can be the football!"

"That's okay. He can be first base!"

"That's okay. We can watch him flop around on the hot tar!"

"Superman. Now gimme my piece of candy!"

"A GREAT BIG FUCKING RAT WITH A COCK THIS LONG!"

"Fuck! I didn't wanna be in this goddamned play anyway!"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #63  
Old 04-09-2020, 11:45 AM
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Surprise, surprise!! That ain't my finger neither.
  #64  
Old 04-09-2020, 11:46 AM
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Men! Bring me my brown pants!
  #65  
Old 04-09-2020, 12:12 PM
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"Very good. Now take my daughter to the airport."

"He made himself an offer he couldn't understand."

"Vito."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #66  
Old 04-09-2020, 12:32 PM
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No! It's just some frost on my top lip...

Same as everyone else: wash it and bring it back.

Tanketty-tank! Tanketty-tank!

Police reckon he topped himself.
  #67  
Old 04-09-2020, 01:01 PM
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"He's a husky fucker!"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #68  
Old 04-09-2020, 01:10 PM
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God doesn't think he's a surgeon.
  #69  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:01 PM
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"Cut the rope"

"Union Carbide"

"Because she had no arms"

"Because of the mace"
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"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument" - William McAdoo
  #70  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:03 PM
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"A homesick abortion"

"No, but that's a real nice ski mask"
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"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument" - William McAdoo
  #71  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:10 PM
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"Ooo, you're not gonna like Thursdays."
  #72  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:17 PM
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"When the air conditioner breaks."

"Over the checkbook."

"Facing Bloomingdale's."

"Simultaneous headaches."

"She had a headache with the mailman."

"A toilet doesn't have droopy boobs."

"A toilet doesn't follow you around when you're done with it."

"With a little whine and cheese."

"I wanna go to Miami!"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #73  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:21 PM
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And the Irishman thinks, "I can't wait for the next tunnel".
  #74  
Old 04-09-2020, 02:41 PM
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"Just one, so long as there's plenty of oil and he's reeeal careful!"

"Five. One to do it, and four to write about *the experience*."

"ONE, DAMMIT!"

"What's a lightbulb, and how do you screw it in?"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #75  
Old 04-09-2020, 03:39 PM
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"Moooo!"

Last edited by Elendil's Heir; 04-09-2020 at 03:40 PM.
  #76  
Old 04-09-2020, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir View Post
"Moooo!"
"Hey! This one looks like yours!"

"Toss down my gap wedge. You can't get out of here with a nine iron."

"Look: You gonna play golf, or do you wanna just fuck around all day?"

"What are you pissed off for? I told you: Only if it rains!"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #77  
Old 04-09-2020, 06:06 PM
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"Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!"

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"

"And whatever God wants, he keeps!"

"That sheep's a liar!"

"Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
  #78  
Old 04-09-2020, 06:18 PM
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The first time he tried it he got sick, and the second time his hat blew off.
  #79  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:08 PM
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Okay, now the big guns are coming out: Little Johnnie

"I know! I know!! It’s a horny bastard!"

“Ahem... Winnie the Shit”

"And if any of you fuckers want to know why this train is twenty minutes late, go and ask the cunt in the kitchen"

"Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.

"...and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

“It’s a puppy!”

"Well, it's a fucking good thing, 'cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!!"

"Jesus Christ! You're feeding me asshole?!?"

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

"A jack."

"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

"What're ya gonna do, fuck him?"

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,...just fucking beautiful!'"

"I ain't got enough shit for that."

"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

"What the fuck do you think?"

"But do me a favour and flip her over, Daddy. I'd rather have a puppy."

" My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so fucking big, she can only fasten eight."

"The color doesn't tell you, the black ones had dicks."

"Fucking homework and tests!"

“No Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blow-job.”

“The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"

"Well, one's thing's for sure, I don't want the fucking corn flakes."

------------------------------------------------

"Stay the blazes home" - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
  #80  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:15 PM
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  #81  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:32 PM
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"Tell me, what did the chicken do?"

"What's the catch?"
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Can also be seen at:

Last FM Library Thing
  #82  
Old 04-09-2020, 09:43 PM
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Sorry if I missed these upthread....

No, they're out in the truck honking the horn.

There's a bounty on me head!

RRRAWWRRRRR!

Because their husbands have crystal balls.

Somehow I ended up right back in Kenny Rogers's beard.

Just one, but the lightbulb has to really WANT to change.
  #83  
Old 04-09-2020, 10:22 PM
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I get to be the one who posts it-

"Rectum, hell. Damn near killed him."
  #84  
Old 04-09-2020, 10:23 PM
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"One of them is a bunch of cunning runts."
  #85  
Old 04-09-2020, 10:25 PM
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That's not funny!
  #86  
Old 04-09-2020, 10:27 PM
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"Twenty seven!!! Twenty seven!!!"
  #87  
Old 04-09-2020, 11:02 PM
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"Nahhh, I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead."
  #88  
Old 04-09-2020, 11:27 PM
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Jokes I'm going to hell for:

"I wanted to but I couldn't find her head."

"There's twenty of them, what's not to like?"

"As soon as your mother goes out."

------------------------------------------------

"Stay the blazes home" - Stephen McNeil, Premier of Nova Scotia
  #89  
Old 04-10-2020, 08:30 AM
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From the absolutely most horrible joke I have ever heard:

Her son's dick tastes different.
  #90  
Old 04-10-2020, 10:35 AM
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"Now," Rollins said, unzipping his pants, "while the body's still warm."
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It's chaos. Be kind.
  #91  
Old 04-10-2020, 10:50 AM
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Then the waitress said, "plus a constant."
  #92  
Old 04-10-2020, 10:58 AM
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No, I'm a frayed knot.
  #93  
Old 04-10-2020, 11:12 AM
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Yes, I knew Pancho Villa, we had lunch together!”.
  #94  
Old 04-10-2020, 11:27 AM
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"Meh," he said. "But you'll never guess who I had lunch with!"
  #95  
Old 04-10-2020, 11:28 AM
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"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too."

"You know the seed you planted in Mommy? Well, the mailman came by and ate it today."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."

Last edited by terentii; 04-10-2020 at 11:31 AM.
  #96  
Old 04-10-2020, 11:33 AM
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"Ach, just come as y'are. There's just goin' to be you and me."

Because gorillas have big fingers.

Paint his toenails red and put him in a strawberry patch.

Bonds mature.

"CHANGE?!"

It was stapled to the chicken.

"What did you bring pavement for?"

"Now I know why you named it Microsoft."

"If he wasn't a good person, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

"Hey, nice belt."

Rats. I realize that most of these come from Garrison Keillor. I'm sure there are more sources of jokes in the world.
  #97  
Old 04-10-2020, 11:50 AM
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"Well, some folks can tell 'em, and some folks can't."

"You ARE on the other side, silly!"

"No, no, Nurse Smith, I told you to prick his boil!"

"Are you going to just sit there talking, or are you gonna fish?"
  #98  
Old 04-10-2020, 12:04 PM
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Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.

Regards,
Shodan
  #99  
Old 04-10-2020, 12:12 PM
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"The punch lines are too long."

"With a Dustbuster."

"HOLY SMOKE!"

"Sure, I'll come to dinner. But I have to ax my wife first."

"'The Toast of the Town.'"
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
  #100  
Old 04-10-2020, 12:14 PM
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"They've got big noses."

"Air is free...."
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"Makes you wonder why we bother, eh, Fawlty?"
"Didn't know you did, Major."
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